Over the course of a few days I have watched the Netflix documentary "My Beautiful Broken Brain" about a lady named Lotja that had a stroke at age 34 that left her with brain damage. Her story and recovery seem to be much more severe and extreme than what I went through at age 12 but she also received a lot more help in her recovery so it is a very interesting show for me to watch. I am can relate to much of what she says and some of her experiences. It is fascinating to see her blank-not-blank stares and then her intense happy smile and the shine in her eyes that has behind it an interesting new world that is fascinating and easy to get lost in; the world that "brain injury" has opened up. Some people might call it neuroplasticity and others chemical electricity that causes the firing up of cells and/ neurotransmitters. What ever you call it I can see the world she is in and it makes me feel happy that she can see it and appreciate it for the fascinating place it is. It validates me.
She says a few things I'd like to repeat"
"The film is a really, really important part of this story. ...absolutely born off necessity. It's created a way for me to understand something that is extremely complex and it has created a structure. a narrative structure for me to understand my own story."
"reality is only what we believe and perceive to be true. That makes absolute sense to me. And very little does to me these days."
something to the effect of "It takes a very long time for you learn how to live in your new brain" -
At one point she asks David Lynch if he thinks the brain is the engine of the mind or vice versa.
These and other things really resonate with me.
The film being the narrative born of necessity to help her understand and give structure to something that is extremely complex is an excellent description and explanation for my current writing. Writing helps me process and understand. It helps me move forward. Talking also does. It is not all that I do it is just the part of me that is really working to get through somethings that have turned so much more complicated than they needed to. Whether that is entirely my own fault and of my own making or whether I have just landed myself in a series of unfortunate events that have left me at the mercy of others and led me to this very bizarre place I do not know but that is not what matters most right now. What matters most is what I do about it.
I wish for people understand what has made this last year and a few months so complicated. My brain was injured. But is was also scarred. Scarred physically from an injury that would leave permanent damage and scarred in many other ways as well. The whole picture, all variables, needed to be taken into account and I am sad to say that the researcher that claimed this and treated me lost sight of that with me.
It has been extremely difficult to relive events from your youth that were painful. It is hard to be processing as an adult and a child at the same time. It is difficult to know that so much of you had been lost for so many years because you had not received proper care from the first injury. Mood changes, school struggles, friend problems, balance, push crash cycles, language skills, understanding and being able to read social situations and cues, decision making skills, all of those effected my life and slowly transformed me into who I had become prior to the car accident concussion. The car accident itself led to a whole new set of problems that were then overlooked or over treated as my brain was a new mess of processing and reprocessing that was effected by the way it had learned to cope before.
I knew I did not want to take another 20 plus years to "stabilize" and figure out my world. I knew I wasn't terribly happy with the world I had figured out and I wanted help this time. Help that was not exclusively directed by and figures out by me, the untrained professional.
It was not easy to find that help, but I did find it. It was the absolute best help I could find and I was thrilled. I had to drive farther and I knew I may have to pay more, but it was worth it.
But then tragedy struck at the moment I started to break through and really start to recognize and work on the changes and acceptance that needed to happen to help me heal from both injuries I was dropped. Told I no longer needed treatment and abandoned... All because I recognized my own transference and/or I suggested counter transference that was neither confirmed nor denied but sure earned me a scarlet letter real quick. It is so confusing and immensely more painful than imagined. That rejection, that theft of healing is a make or break you moment. There is not a rational and/or predictable reaction to your own grief and trauma and it usually effects us more profoundly in ways that we never could have ever predicted. Traumatic events are like that, they turn you into something you are not and then you have to figure out the new you with the new insights and experiences that will forever change your perceptions and that you cannot return from. This has been traumatic. I have lost my chance at healing all over again. I have lost my youth and my sense of self worth again. This time stolen with my heart and faith in the system that was actually built to help and protect me in my situation. Then to try and separate yourself mentally from the person that has taught you so much and planted in you how to overcome the very trauma he has caused... It is not a simple task. Why is it not more obvious how damaging this is?
It is unjust and unfair and I don't want to fight the industry. I'd rather utilize, appreciate, love and help. ...and ironically that may be the very thing that got me into trouble. It breaks my heart again and again.
But through it I am finding hope and beauty and though I have felt still more rejection I am choosing not to break. I have also learned who some true friends are and where my strengths really lie.
...And I still type and write in hopes that I may help myself and others because this was not deserved and if my story can help relieve the suffering to any degree or can help people see that there are other ways to do things, ways to work together and not against each other, than it is worth it. It is worth the pain and the reprocessing, the uncomfortable situations and even the embarrassment. I will not be shamed and I will not be blamed. I will fight again for me and my brain.
Thursday, January 17, 2019
Upcycling
The whole picture. I wrote about how I am cycling and it can be perceived as rumination. I have written about how I get stuck in my head sometimes. I talk about some of the same things and to others that may feel redundant. However, that is not the whole picture. I am not stuck in my head nearly as much as it could be perceived that I am.
I was reading this article this morning and reflected on my recent experiences I realized that this may be the image I am projecting...https://blogs.psychcentral.com/childhood-neglect/2019/01/trapped-in-a-circle-of-your-own-self-doubt-3-steps-out/
...and I paused to find and insert this article but got sidetracked by email.
I sent one to that Dr. that, in his carelessness or dabbling of the dark arts, had sent me spiraling into and exiled outer-space. I wanted to give him the chance to fix things before I pursued complaints against what I am now feeling and logically perceiving as "unethical treatment."
He decided I was a threat and liability so he called my treatment done, and because I have been documenting my "crazy," my thoughts and feelings, it can make it easy for him to turn things into just that. Write me off as "our treatment of that issue is done, you are healed of that," thus relieving him and his clinic of their obligations in treating me and making sure he or they had not accidentally or intentionally done harm.
I am at a huge disadvantage because they will definitely be bias toward protecting him. I have already been blamed as I look back frustrated that he wouldn't hear me when I cried and tried and fought desperately for him to understand and continue to provide or help me find the appropriate help.
I have surgery that I am facing that is directly related to the car injury.
I am reliving my trauma from my youth that is directly related to the car accident and head injury from that.
It is strange to be an adult and a child at the same time.
I am cycling through the intensities of the emotions one experiences with that.
The whole picture of me had been lost. I had forgotten and buried so much and when did that happen? Did it happen with the crash? Some of it feels like yes and some of it feels like no.
"So this is all part of the job" I asked Not really given answer, I think he responded with a question. "We have been working to uncover my buried story and now you are just going to take it all back?" I asked when I could finally get into see him after two weeks of ... I won't label...
But when I was just breaking through is precisely when he decided to drop me.
When he decided I was "cured" of needing him and his expertise. I needed to figure out again what I was really capable of occupationally. My relationships were a mess and TBI was a major factor in this. All of this was just coming to light, it had not been addressed.
He did not want to work with me anymore but that does not mean that his skillset was no longer needed. On the contrary his skillset is exactly what was needed. What a curse for him, if it really is true that no-one else in his practice could have taken me and there are no others with similar skillsets he could have referred me to.
This is very frustrating. It is a crazy, terrible and yet beautiful story that I can appreciate for many reasons and for what it is but it is also very frustrating. Other peoples methods of self preservation and justification are very frustrating to me.
so as I stay true to letting things come out and be what they are as I write (on my blog and on my ever increasing report on studying myself) I will let this one stay also.
...I will have to edit later since I need to go now.. But this feels important to me to publish now
I was reading this article this morning and reflected on my recent experiences I realized that this may be the image I am projecting...https://blogs.psychcentral.com/childhood-neglect/2019/01/trapped-in-a-circle-of-your-own-self-doubt-3-steps-out/
...and I paused to find and insert this article but got sidetracked by email.
I sent one to that Dr. that, in his carelessness or dabbling of the dark arts, had sent me spiraling into and exiled outer-space. I wanted to give him the chance to fix things before I pursued complaints against what I am now feeling and logically perceiving as "unethical treatment."
He decided I was a threat and liability so he called my treatment done, and because I have been documenting my "crazy," my thoughts and feelings, it can make it easy for him to turn things into just that. Write me off as "our treatment of that issue is done, you are healed of that," thus relieving him and his clinic of their obligations in treating me and making sure he or they had not accidentally or intentionally done harm.
I am at a huge disadvantage because they will definitely be bias toward protecting him. I have already been blamed as I look back frustrated that he wouldn't hear me when I cried and tried and fought desperately for him to understand and continue to provide or help me find the appropriate help.
I have surgery that I am facing that is directly related to the car injury.
I am reliving my trauma from my youth that is directly related to the car accident and head injury from that.
It is strange to be an adult and a child at the same time.
I am cycling through the intensities of the emotions one experiences with that.
The whole picture of me had been lost. I had forgotten and buried so much and when did that happen? Did it happen with the crash? Some of it feels like yes and some of it feels like no.
"So this is all part of the job" I asked Not really given answer, I think he responded with a question. "We have been working to uncover my buried story and now you are just going to take it all back?" I asked when I could finally get into see him after two weeks of ... I won't label...
But when I was just breaking through is precisely when he decided to drop me.
When he decided I was "cured" of needing him and his expertise. I needed to figure out again what I was really capable of occupationally. My relationships were a mess and TBI was a major factor in this. All of this was just coming to light, it had not been addressed.
He did not want to work with me anymore but that does not mean that his skillset was no longer needed. On the contrary his skillset is exactly what was needed. What a curse for him, if it really is true that no-one else in his practice could have taken me and there are no others with similar skillsets he could have referred me to.
This is very frustrating. It is a crazy, terrible and yet beautiful story that I can appreciate for many reasons and for what it is but it is also very frustrating. Other peoples methods of self preservation and justification are very frustrating to me.
so as I stay true to letting things come out and be what they are as I write (on my blog and on my ever increasing report on studying myself) I will let this one stay also.
...I will have to edit later since I need to go now.. But this feels important to me to publish now
Wednesday, January 16, 2019
Blackbirds
I'd rather work with you than against you. In my quest to heal I need to understand. And you need to understand, I am neither a toy nor a liability.
But I am strong. Since my story has been written it is not so hard to figure out what has happened and to know that you know better. You are tricky and sly and I see that. But you may have gotten caught up a little too much in the label, stigmas, and preconceived notions that your profession claims to be helping. I am so much more than people want to give me credit for. And I believed the lie that I wasn't. I believed the lies that people told me about me because they felt I was a threat to their superiority. I am not a threat, I am friend. I do not believe in the king of the hill I believe in the camaraderie of the game and I believe that there is room on the hill for everyone in the end.
My intention is to help and heal and that is what I will do. If the problem is bigger and runs deeper than this incident and this is truly policy or a regular practice I will do my best to make sure these mistakes are not repeated with others. I know better than to think that I am that special, I am an isolated incident and that somehow my silence will protect others, whether the problem is with you or within the profession; I know better.
Your faith in me may have been a superficial guise but how much faith do you have in yourself and your ability to help people find their buried self and become empowered happier healthier versions of themselves? You are the best. And we both know that.
I'd rather work with you than against you. But, either way, I will work to protect the vulnerable and for the ethics in the profession that have been warped and used against me, the one they are meant to protect. You are not out of my league nor I out of yours.
You are not afraid of me and I expect a call.
But I am strong. Since my story has been written it is not so hard to figure out what has happened and to know that you know better. You are tricky and sly and I see that. But you may have gotten caught up a little too much in the label, stigmas, and preconceived notions that your profession claims to be helping. I am so much more than people want to give me credit for. And I believed the lie that I wasn't. I believed the lies that people told me about me because they felt I was a threat to their superiority. I am not a threat, I am friend. I do not believe in the king of the hill I believe in the camaraderie of the game and I believe that there is room on the hill for everyone in the end.
My intention is to help and heal and that is what I will do. If the problem is bigger and runs deeper than this incident and this is truly policy or a regular practice I will do my best to make sure these mistakes are not repeated with others. I know better than to think that I am that special, I am an isolated incident and that somehow my silence will protect others, whether the problem is with you or within the profession; I know better.
Your faith in me may have been a superficial guise but how much faith do you have in yourself and your ability to help people find their buried self and become empowered happier healthier versions of themselves? You are the best. And we both know that.
I'd rather work with you than against you. But, either way, I will work to protect the vulnerable and for the ethics in the profession that have been warped and used against me, the one they are meant to protect. You are not out of my league nor I out of yours.
You are not afraid of me and I expect a call.
Sleep cycles... No, sleep AND cycles
I almost got a good nights sleep last night. Almost. This time it was my shoulder that woke me. I sprained my clavical and some other bone connection in my shoulder the other day teaching snowboarding to the most adventures and daring 4 year old person I have ever met. He was furious with me because I would not take him on the steepest and most difficult runs of our resort. He can neither turn or stop. He was fun to work with, hilarious, and also exhausting, but in an effort to keep him from careening completely out of control and really hurting himself or someone else I took a few falls myself. I am not even sure which fall it was or how one can actually fall in a way that would result in the child's snowboard coming down on ones shoulder or vice verse but I managed it. And now the pain of that wakes me...
Why does sleep evade me in this time of need? What lesson or joke is the universe playing with me?
Oh well. It does make me laugh because the stacking of events that keep me from sleep seems so statistically impossible. But statistics do fail to take into account individuals so there is that.
And my brain just keeps working... Trying to process far too much all at once.
I thought to be done but I think I will defend myself since some people seem to think I should be judged harshly for my reprocessing and/or rumination.
If we look at how people often handle things we will see that many learn very slowly or not at all how to break free of learned and/or natural behaviors that can cause problems for them in the long run. Many people fall into depression and grieve for years, sometimes their lifetime. Obesity is evidence that unhealthy habits are repeated to the detriment of the person. People will excuse and justify their own bad behavior and perpetuate problems often for their entire life. Most of us take years to acquire knowledge and evolve. I know many people who decide that something is the way it is and will not budge on their belief no matter the evidence even when the belief is causing them harm. It is hard to watch when you care for that person but you eventually learn not to try and explain or help them because they will just fight you on it and your relationship will be damaged. These are very normal and common habits, behaviors and problems.
But those who wish to change, know well the process is slow. It takes time and the process can be very cyclical. In fact the scenario's I described are cyclical. People change and evolve or regress in very cyclical ways. They will cycle through and repeat many of the same things but with small changes each time that eventually turn into the bigger problem or the fix. Understanding and changing can be a slow process. Rarely is it an overnight dramatic change. It may appear that way with some people but even in their cases there was likely some cyclical conditioning prior to the epiphanic change.
So I am cycling. Rapid cycling maybe, but is it "unhealthy" or is that a judgement? Is it unhealthy to let the cycling happen quicker if it wants to? In order to move out of this faster? Often to pack it away is to let it fester. If I try to leave it alone my brain will very naturally slide into its well traveled ruts, thus digging them deeper, and I will be broken again and have to accept that previous beliefs about my worthlessness are in fact confirmed and true. I would rather not. I am already a slow processor and I am "intense" or I feel things intensely. But I am also intelligent, teachable, and tenacious. When I want to learn and I want to change I think it is okay for me to rapid cycle and fight my way out of the condemning situation. And I suppose if I need to, every now and again, I may have to stick up for and defend myself. I may have to fight with others for myself, but I will try to fight fair.
I am cycling, yes. I may or may not get stuck in rumination. But I am cycling up and out and with each rumination I discover something new or find joy in something of value to me so I will excuse myself from anyones cyclical judgements here. Instead I will be happy to share what I have learned through this process and I hope it may help them in the event they choose to drop their judgements and talk with me about it.
Why does sleep evade me in this time of need? What lesson or joke is the universe playing with me?
Oh well. It does make me laugh because the stacking of events that keep me from sleep seems so statistically impossible. But statistics do fail to take into account individuals so there is that.
And my brain just keeps working... Trying to process far too much all at once.
I thought to be done but I think I will defend myself since some people seem to think I should be judged harshly for my reprocessing and/or rumination.
If we look at how people often handle things we will see that many learn very slowly or not at all how to break free of learned and/or natural behaviors that can cause problems for them in the long run. Many people fall into depression and grieve for years, sometimes their lifetime. Obesity is evidence that unhealthy habits are repeated to the detriment of the person. People will excuse and justify their own bad behavior and perpetuate problems often for their entire life. Most of us take years to acquire knowledge and evolve. I know many people who decide that something is the way it is and will not budge on their belief no matter the evidence even when the belief is causing them harm. It is hard to watch when you care for that person but you eventually learn not to try and explain or help them because they will just fight you on it and your relationship will be damaged. These are very normal and common habits, behaviors and problems.
But those who wish to change, know well the process is slow. It takes time and the process can be very cyclical. In fact the scenario's I described are cyclical. People change and evolve or regress in very cyclical ways. They will cycle through and repeat many of the same things but with small changes each time that eventually turn into the bigger problem or the fix. Understanding and changing can be a slow process. Rarely is it an overnight dramatic change. It may appear that way with some people but even in their cases there was likely some cyclical conditioning prior to the epiphanic change.
So I am cycling. Rapid cycling maybe, but is it "unhealthy" or is that a judgement? Is it unhealthy to let the cycling happen quicker if it wants to? In order to move out of this faster? Often to pack it away is to let it fester. If I try to leave it alone my brain will very naturally slide into its well traveled ruts, thus digging them deeper, and I will be broken again and have to accept that previous beliefs about my worthlessness are in fact confirmed and true. I would rather not. I am already a slow processor and I am "intense" or I feel things intensely. But I am also intelligent, teachable, and tenacious. When I want to learn and I want to change I think it is okay for me to rapid cycle and fight my way out of the condemning situation. And I suppose if I need to, every now and again, I may have to stick up for and defend myself. I may have to fight with others for myself, but I will try to fight fair.
I am cycling, yes. I may or may not get stuck in rumination. But I am cycling up and out and with each rumination I discover something new or find joy in something of value to me so I will excuse myself from anyones cyclical judgements here. Instead I will be happy to share what I have learned through this process and I hope it may help them in the event they choose to drop their judgements and talk with me about it.
Monday, January 14, 2019
The very hungry caterpillar
So I needed to get some medical records to help me pursue the treatments I need with doctors and to get a full picture of this car accident mess. The hospital I had to go to is the new version of the hospital I was treated in and stayed at 28 years ago this month when I had my first TBI. While there I thought to ask about those medical records as well. They likely do not have anything since they only keep them for 7-10 years. However the lady was super nice and said that she would submit it and try to see if anything turned up.
Why do I want these?
I want to know how bad or how minor this the TBI I suffered so long ago really was.
If I have learned one thing this past year it is that acting like someone is okay and believing they are okay does not make them okay. It does not make them better.
It is not bad to believe that someone is okay and/or they will be okay but if it is due to denial or believing that believing will magically change things, then it is not likely to help.
In fact it can cause extended pain and perpetuating problems.
So often people flip, or pendulum swing to the other extreme and they become enablers.
I am not asking for or seeking that.
But balance is somewhere in the middle and too many people seeing my strengths and wanting to believe that I am okay have neglected to fulfill their obligations and that has caused and perpetuated some serious problems for me.
I have choices.
I can be bitter and angry.
I can keep trying to believe that it was not neglect.
I can recognize that neglect happens for reasons that are usually out of the neglected's control and this does not mean that they are not valuable but rather may be reflective of the pain and suffering of the neglector.
I can forgive.
I can forget about it and just keep on trying to pretend that I am just fine and just like everyone else.
I can try to file for disability
I can learn about it from my new place and face it for what it is.
I can seek and continue to seek help
I can try to do it all alone.
I can talk about it
Or I can stay quiet
I have many many choices and I have made many of these before and I make them everyday... Where I end up, I really don't know and I am not so sure I care because I have learned how to enjoy the journey more. So this time around is already much more fun and will be as I try to accept what and who I am.. again... and again.
I have choices and
Fortunately I have this incredible brain. An injured brain with only the medical records of family members and my memories to prove it. I know I had, at very least, a quarter sized bleed that showed up on CT scans. And it was rattled extra as it bounced along unconscious in a sled being pulled to a car to take me home. So there is permanent damage. (And if you think people have negative stigma's about mental health issue's try admitting that you have brain damage.)
But in spite of all of that -and directly because of that- I have this amazing brain that has been solving itself ever since. By creating it's own new pathways initially with little to no professional help it became a ridiculously resourceful analyzer and problem solver. It is capable of taking pathways and making connections that uninjured brains don't even know exist.
It is no wonder I feel so very comfortable outside of boxes and my boundaries are not as easy to define or identify for others. It is that way in my brain. And even when it isn't this brain has some knowledge on accessing that.
...So when someone says, "don't try to solve this" that power of suggestion automatically sets gears into motion and the can of worms is opened. That is not a good time to abandon and jump ship by the way.
I have choices.
Right now I need to fight for me. Right now I get to face it or hide. I am facing my fears and I am refusing to be the victim of my own learned neglect -neglect myself to care for others.
And it's funny how looking back I see that my neglecting of myself has not enhanced my care of others and does not help them but it likely causes more damage than harm.
Though I had often said that caring for others is part of how I care for myself (and this is true -it is still true) my balance has a tendency to lean too far from caring for myself. So while I still want to maintain that part of caring I will do it with a new perspective.
...It seems that my fighter, that I thought should stay buried forever, is emerging hopefully morphed and more evolved. I am ready to embrace it and/or (at very least) accept it for what it is and work with it.
Why do I want these?
I want to know how bad or how minor this the TBI I suffered so long ago really was.
If I have learned one thing this past year it is that acting like someone is okay and believing they are okay does not make them okay. It does not make them better.
It is not bad to believe that someone is okay and/or they will be okay but if it is due to denial or believing that believing will magically change things, then it is not likely to help.
In fact it can cause extended pain and perpetuating problems.
So often people flip, or pendulum swing to the other extreme and they become enablers.
I am not asking for or seeking that.
But balance is somewhere in the middle and too many people seeing my strengths and wanting to believe that I am okay have neglected to fulfill their obligations and that has caused and perpetuated some serious problems for me.
I have choices.
I can be bitter and angry.
I can keep trying to believe that it was not neglect.
I can recognize that neglect happens for reasons that are usually out of the neglected's control and this does not mean that they are not valuable but rather may be reflective of the pain and suffering of the neglector.
I can forgive.
I can forget about it and just keep on trying to pretend that I am just fine and just like everyone else.
I can try to file for disability
I can learn about it from my new place and face it for what it is.
I can seek and continue to seek help
I can try to do it all alone.
I can talk about it
Or I can stay quiet
I have many many choices and I have made many of these before and I make them everyday... Where I end up, I really don't know and I am not so sure I care because I have learned how to enjoy the journey more. So this time around is already much more fun and will be as I try to accept what and who I am.. again... and again.
I have choices and
Fortunately I have this incredible brain. An injured brain with only the medical records of family members and my memories to prove it. I know I had, at very least, a quarter sized bleed that showed up on CT scans. And it was rattled extra as it bounced along unconscious in a sled being pulled to a car to take me home. So there is permanent damage. (And if you think people have negative stigma's about mental health issue's try admitting that you have brain damage.)
But in spite of all of that -and directly because of that- I have this amazing brain that has been solving itself ever since. By creating it's own new pathways initially with little to no professional help it became a ridiculously resourceful analyzer and problem solver. It is capable of taking pathways and making connections that uninjured brains don't even know exist.
It is no wonder I feel so very comfortable outside of boxes and my boundaries are not as easy to define or identify for others. It is that way in my brain. And even when it isn't this brain has some knowledge on accessing that.
...So when someone says, "don't try to solve this" that power of suggestion automatically sets gears into motion and the can of worms is opened. That is not a good time to abandon and jump ship by the way.
I have choices.
Right now I need to fight for me. Right now I get to face it or hide. I am facing my fears and I am refusing to be the victim of my own learned neglect -neglect myself to care for others.
And it's funny how looking back I see that my neglecting of myself has not enhanced my care of others and does not help them but it likely causes more damage than harm.
Though I had often said that caring for others is part of how I care for myself (and this is true -it is still true) my balance has a tendency to lean too far from caring for myself. So while I still want to maintain that part of caring I will do it with a new perspective.
...It seems that my fighter, that I thought should stay buried forever, is emerging hopefully morphed and more evolved. I am ready to embrace it and/or (at very least) accept it for what it is and work with it.
in and out of the rabbit hole
On last year;
Reprocessing… Maybe it is best not to reprocess any of it. Sometimes as I start to reprocess so many times of feeling like I don’t belong and I identify some of the reasons for that I start to feel that I don’t belong in this world at all. I can feel this in both positive and negative ways.
I am tired again.
I will get surgery on my ankle sooner rather than later because 1. It is hurting too much when I teach and snowboard now which is increasing the risk of further damage and injury. I was able to get away with it last year because I couldn’t and didn’t ride much due to the concussion and the chiropractor was treating. Plus the head and other pains kept me from feeling it as much. But I did feel it because I got really good at riding switch (riding with the opposite foot as the lead foot) from that and the fact that I was already off balance made going switch not nearly as scary. (because it already was scary riding off balance) 2. I am already sleeping so terribly and my brain is a mess because of that so I’d rather not prolong that any longer than I have to because the surgery is likely going to screw that up too. 3. Since writing seems to be what I can and am driven to do right now, I could take advantage of that time for writing. 4. I would like to get all this crap addressed sooner rather than later so I can move on with my life.
Tenacity
In my adolescence I was given that label as a nickname.
Sometimes I figure things out before I actually figure things out.
or another way to look at that might be;
sometimes people think I have things figured out before I actually do.
This is an interesting thing to observe and think about.
I see it in teaching a lot.
One way we learn is by parroting and mimicking. But that does not mean the concept has been fully understood or grasped, it can merely be part of the learning process.
Sometimes my intuition and instinct will give answers from my mouth and it is after that point that I start to process what I am saying.
I do not think I am unusual in that.
Often where we think we are different we are the same
and where we think we are the same we are different
and sometimes I don't have things figured out and wouldn't (or don't even care to) figure it out if they didn't get nervous and start making mistakes due to their own suspicion of me... that is reflective of them or projected onto me
I likely do the same thing
Oh dear brain... you may need to stop while you are still ahead (haha, that's a funny play on words too and I did exactly what I talked about, processed what I said after saying it)
Sometimes I figure things out before I actually figure things out.
or another way to look at that might be;
sometimes people think I have things figured out before I actually do.
This is an interesting thing to observe and think about.
I see it in teaching a lot.
One way we learn is by parroting and mimicking. But that does not mean the concept has been fully understood or grasped, it can merely be part of the learning process.
Sometimes my intuition and instinct will give answers from my mouth and it is after that point that I start to process what I am saying.
I do not think I am unusual in that.
Often where we think we are different we are the same
and where we think we are the same we are different
and sometimes I don't have things figured out and wouldn't (or don't even care to) figure it out if they didn't get nervous and start making mistakes due to their own suspicion of me... that is reflective of them or projected onto me
I likely do the same thing
Oh dear brain... you may need to stop while you are still ahead (haha, that's a funny play on words too and I did exactly what I talked about, processed what I said after saying it)
Sunday, January 13, 2019
what the...?
And other times I'm like "what the hell just happened??" or "what the hell was wrong with me?!"
and I'm back to my same old self when I look in the mirror.
and I'm back to my same old self when I look in the mirror.
past blast on being angry
I journaled these thoughts back in August, long before (at least it feels a bit like forever too me) my recent "break through" and self studying journalling experience started. After my conversation with the lovely lady yesterday I think this could be helpful information to some.
8/29/18
A friend told me about a book she read. Part of it talked about the forbidden emotions in dysfunctional families. How there is one forbidden emotion.
I think my forbidden emotion-my own- is anger. I don’t handle it from others well and I don’t handle it well from myself.
So I avoid it.
And I’m not too sure how that affects me, my decision making, and my relationships.
It seems that anger is part of the emotional process of coping. It is part of the grieving processes. Maybe I need to stop looking at it as “bad”
Anger, In my opinion, is masking an underlying problem or emotion and is almost never fully justified, or if it is justified maybe I don’t view it as constructive.
But maybe it is or can be constructive?… maybe... when it is embraced as a valid and justifiable emotion that deserves a spot in the counsel of the ego?
Right now I feel angry
...because I don’t want to deal with all the bills and insurance and lawyer stuff from the car accident.
I feel angry that it was already hard to organize and structure my mental energy and time and now it seems immensely harder
… all because that lady didn’t stop, didn’t signal, and didn’t wait her turn or turn and check again and then didn’t maneuver her left turn correctly.
But then I feel angry with myself too because I was hurrying across the intersection. I went the way that made me more nervous in the first place and I don’t remember being aware of her before I started into the intersection (though that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t, I took a hard blow to the head, I may have been) but I wasn’t more aware of her… Just saying it I feel that my anger with myself for those things is somewhat unjustified, I feel that I would never be angry with someone else for those things, and if I were it would only because I feel scared and worried for them (like when I get mad at my kids for getting hurt. I’m not mad, I’m scared and worried) I think it is okay to forgive myself those offenses.
But what about the anger I feel for myself because it wasn’t even that bad of an accident and it’s been such a hassle and a hold up. Am I just using it as an excuse and I am angry at myself for using it as an excuse? Or am I angry because it really has tipped an already delicate scale and I AM angry about it (writing the latter makes me cry). And I am angry that the scale was already delicate and damaged.
Is the anger I am feeling keeping me from taking care of what I need to. Is the suppressed anger what is causing the avoidance, the embarrassment, and compounding the problem, etc?
I think I may be afraid to be angry because anger has hurt me and others in the past. My anger has hurt me and others.
Maybe I am afraid that if I embrace it even a little all the other anger I have will come out and I will be so angry. A raging angry maniac
Or I will just cry… but I do that anyway, shut in, cry, retract…
So I am not so angry at the moment.
Maybe anger comes in waves?
Maybe anger passes quickly when you decide to face it, embrace it, accept it, or even just allow yourself to feel it and analyze it?
I think I have written out what I need to today.
But can I face the medical bills? Can I bring myself to call my lawyer that used to be my friend in school years?
Or is that maybe it is embarrassment and shame?
But I’ll save that for another day.
...and now I am tired.
neuroplasticity
What is Neuroplasticity?
Here is a "medical definition" and a link with great information about it:
"Neuroplasticity: The brain's ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections throughout life. Neuroplasticity allows the neurons (nerve cells) in the brain to compensate for injury and disease and to adjust their activities in response to new situations or to changes in their environment."
https://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=40362 https://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=40362
And here is the definition from the other side of the tracks...oh wait; the other side of the tracks, also referred to as "the wrong side of the tracks," is where I grew up... so maybe I "should" call it the definition from the other side of the profession. Yeah that works.
And here is the definition from the other side of the profession:
Neuroplastcity: the ability of your brain to make new connections in an attempt to restore functionality and stability by learning to take and make new paths that may be uncomfortable and unnatural for you and others.
Your brain now works things out differently and you need to let it. It's okay. With mTBI [concussions] it is likely that your brain has just learned and realized, through the rattling and shaking (that works something like a waking), that there is more to it than it formerly realized and/or has forgotten about and it may be a bit excited and overly anxious to access and utilize some of those new area's. It may even forget how efficient it had become as it is having flashbacks of the excitement of being a new life once again. It's neural connections are firing all over as it tries to remember how it worked before. [I speculate and would love to see a study or do a study to see if the concussed/injured brain behaves similar to an infant or child's brain on an FMRI, this could potentially explain the emotional instability that is so common and also difficult to deal with in concussed and head injured patients].
Appropriate guidance through and during these processes can be immensely helpful.
But finding skilled professionals who understand this and know how to guide you through this is incredibly difficult.
Even more difficult than I thought as I had a conversation just yesterday with a lovely lady from San Francisco who has not been able to find appropriate help with this. I thought it would be much easier to find in a large area like that with great schools in the area... so that causes feelings of sadness in me.
So these are my thoughts that are waking and/or keeping awake at 3:40 am. And I know that screens will not help me go back to sleep but I also know that my brain will not sleep easily and wants to hold onto things it feels are important and get them done quickly or as soon as possible less it forgets. It is a coping mechanism and strategy that I use and that helps me feel more happy and productive when I do utilize it (that strategy being: get it done when you think about it so you don't forget and it comes back to haunt you when you either, a) can't do anything about it or b) it is too late to do it and you have lost that window of opportunity.)
*In this blog entry I am "modeling my thinking" as I write more than one would typically say. Modeling your thinking is an effective teaching method one learns when they become a teacher (at least I learned it in my program. I have worked with some teachers that did not seem to learn that strategy)
I use it here to illustrate this actually happening to some extent in a somewhat comical way and I now explain this to further illustrate and because I have learned that my re-routed thinking styles are often misunderstood. *
**The other side of the profession is referring to me and my experiences of learning and education from having suffered a TBI at 12 and a more recent mTBI.
Saturday, January 12, 2019
letting it be and reprocessing me
It is time to stand on my own two feet.
...Problem is one of them is literally broken... well torn
the tendon is torn and will require surgery to heal or an acceptance of pain and limitations. With acceptance my lifestyle would be limited by pain and the risk of increasing injury.
I will choose surgery and maybe sooner than I was planning because last night that was the pain that kept me up. The pain is increasing with my increased activity... and that increases risk and damage which can result in decreased positive response to surgery.
I have a lot to write and I am not sleeping well anyway, so maybe it is time to schedule that.
Maybe it is wise to give up most of this snowboarding season, which means giving up work (again), to once again heal.
From an automobile accident.
The interesting thing is ... and here is where I may struggle to get my thoughts out clearly...
Push crash
It's been an off and on theme for a long time as I look back and reprocess some of my life and memories.
The car accident definitely heightened that and created new forms. While the initial push crash I was experiencing is not so sever anymore, right now I am feeling a new type of crash as my brain is stronger and healthy enough to now feel some pains it could not handle or process before. My peroneal tendon is crashing on me and my left wrist. My sinuses and some teeth might also be crashing. Sinuses have bugged me much more frequently since, so I don't really call that a crash, mostly just an annoyance. But my teeth that hit hard enough that immediately following I was confident I would end up loosing a tooth are two are acting a bit strange, maybe related to sinuses. Not sure. I have had to take antibiotics for sinus infections 4 times since the car accident of Sept 21, 2017. That may not sound like much but that is about how many times (or more) I have been on antibiotics for sinus infections in the combined total of 39 years prior to said accident. Plus the intermittent colds that have not needed antibiotics... I wonder if my sinuses are crashing?
But mostly my left wrist. I notice it feeling weak and shaky still and the pain also seems to be increasing with use. I have not experienced anything like this in my left wrist before. My right has been broken twice in my life but it does not do the weird shakey thing quite like the left has been doing. Left was the arm that took the blow from the airbag. That and my face are what were in immediate pain. From my shoulder to my hand hurt so bad I was certain something was broken but the insta care doctor, the one who cared more about my husbands thumb he had fixed the month previous than in treating me, found nothing on the X-ray and that was that. When I asked about possible concussion he said "it's possible," kind of blew it off as he concluded "we don't really do anything for that anyway."
Even my husband will tell you he was an ass (to me but not to him)
I wonder if it is because he did not like how he perceived my response to my husbands injury the previous month. The one where I probably seemed cold and distant to my spouse in pain and where I was taking pictures and videos while he stitched. Intuitively I sensed he didn't like how I was handling my husbands pain and suffering but he does not realize that I was providing for my husband exactly what he wants in situations like this. He does not like extra attention or to feel coddled, and he does not need or want to feel my pain for him when he is in so much pain. But he will want pictures and he had actually asked me to take some, though I am fairly certain it was while the doctor was out of the room, and I decided to get my husband the added bonus so I took them while the doctor was working on his thumb. I did this because I knew husband would like those even better and I value my husband more that the doctors perceived disapproval.
But it would seem that doctor made a judgement about me and when it was my turn, and I needed his medical attention he treated me with the same regard he likely felt I deserved due to his perception of how I handled my husbands pain.
That is my intuition and once again my writing has taken a different direction than I anticipated and I am not sure where it belongs, on blog or my book of reprocessing? But staying true to allowing things to be what they are or turn into I'll go ahead and publish here. and I'll try again on the push crash theme that I thought would evolve into a radical resolve theme.
...Problem is one of them is literally broken... well torn
the tendon is torn and will require surgery to heal or an acceptance of pain and limitations. With acceptance my lifestyle would be limited by pain and the risk of increasing injury.
I will choose surgery and maybe sooner than I was planning because last night that was the pain that kept me up. The pain is increasing with my increased activity... and that increases risk and damage which can result in decreased positive response to surgery.
I have a lot to write and I am not sleeping well anyway, so maybe it is time to schedule that.
Maybe it is wise to give up most of this snowboarding season, which means giving up work (again), to once again heal.
From an automobile accident.
The interesting thing is ... and here is where I may struggle to get my thoughts out clearly...
Push crash
It's been an off and on theme for a long time as I look back and reprocess some of my life and memories.
The car accident definitely heightened that and created new forms. While the initial push crash I was experiencing is not so sever anymore, right now I am feeling a new type of crash as my brain is stronger and healthy enough to now feel some pains it could not handle or process before. My peroneal tendon is crashing on me and my left wrist. My sinuses and some teeth might also be crashing. Sinuses have bugged me much more frequently since, so I don't really call that a crash, mostly just an annoyance. But my teeth that hit hard enough that immediately following I was confident I would end up loosing a tooth are two are acting a bit strange, maybe related to sinuses. Not sure. I have had to take antibiotics for sinus infections 4 times since the car accident of Sept 21, 2017. That may not sound like much but that is about how many times (or more) I have been on antibiotics for sinus infections in the combined total of 39 years prior to said accident. Plus the intermittent colds that have not needed antibiotics... I wonder if my sinuses are crashing?
But mostly my left wrist. I notice it feeling weak and shaky still and the pain also seems to be increasing with use. I have not experienced anything like this in my left wrist before. My right has been broken twice in my life but it does not do the weird shakey thing quite like the left has been doing. Left was the arm that took the blow from the airbag. That and my face are what were in immediate pain. From my shoulder to my hand hurt so bad I was certain something was broken but the insta care doctor, the one who cared more about my husbands thumb he had fixed the month previous than in treating me, found nothing on the X-ray and that was that. When I asked about possible concussion he said "it's possible," kind of blew it off as he concluded "we don't really do anything for that anyway."
Even my husband will tell you he was an ass (to me but not to him)
I wonder if it is because he did not like how he perceived my response to my husbands injury the previous month. The one where I probably seemed cold and distant to my spouse in pain and where I was taking pictures and videos while he stitched. Intuitively I sensed he didn't like how I was handling my husbands pain and suffering but he does not realize that I was providing for my husband exactly what he wants in situations like this. He does not like extra attention or to feel coddled, and he does not need or want to feel my pain for him when he is in so much pain. But he will want pictures and he had actually asked me to take some, though I am fairly certain it was while the doctor was out of the room, and I decided to get my husband the added bonus so I took them while the doctor was working on his thumb. I did this because I knew husband would like those even better and I value my husband more that the doctors perceived disapproval.
But it would seem that doctor made a judgement about me and when it was my turn, and I needed his medical attention he treated me with the same regard he likely felt I deserved due to his perception of how I handled my husbands pain.
That is my intuition and once again my writing has taken a different direction than I anticipated and I am not sure where it belongs, on blog or my book of reprocessing? But staying true to allowing things to be what they are or turn into I'll go ahead and publish here. and I'll try again on the push crash theme that I thought would evolve into a radical resolve theme.
Thursday, January 10, 2019
time to stand on my own two feet
My husband...He knows about my blog. He can read this and know what is coming. Know where I am, how I am doing and how I am feeling. He doesn't like talking about things. He can read this. But he doesn't.
It is time to stand on my own two feet.
I have two men in my life that I love but neither read my blog.
It is time to stand on my own two feet.
the new Therapist
Radical acceptance.
That is a term the new therapist taught me. and honestly I wonder what my old therapist would think of this
for me
right now
But my old therapist really wouldn't know because I kept way too much from him. Because I felt his "pain" and I protected him. Probably at my expense.
Empath
that was the word I have been looking for.
what is that, what does it mean again?
I do know the word but I really don't want to think about it right now. Clearly it fits me but I need it to not for a minute
and I need to be strong at the same time.
The problem is I know I need to leave. I know that needs to be my radical acceptance
and yet then I am the rejector.
And I will not have support in this decision.
I will have support from my new therapist
but I won't be able to afford him anymore so it's a bit of a predicament.
I don't need a psychiatrist. Old therapist is actually correct in that it was not what I needed when I emailed him concerned that I was cycling into an unstable state.
But facing this reality puts me at high risk of cycling into an unstable place. and acting on it will. or maybe not acting on it is what is putting me at risk? I really don't know. But clearly I am "high risk"
I read an article recently about brain injuries and the outcome of lasting effects also being related to the amount of social/emotional support the person has during recovery. I am past the initial physical recovery from this most recent concussion...I think. But my past is difficult and I can confidently say that leaving my husband is going to earn me much criticism and that lack of support that I have long dealt with could very well escalate.
that, and I will be so poor... I'm okay with that, but it is hard to give up financial security. I have been there before and I am resourceful; it's just another added stressor and since my current job pays enough to cover... well nothing. Taxes maybe. I am not at all sure how to move forward. I will have to be the one leaving. I will have to give up everything. Except the kids which is what really matters... but I will not have means to support them financially.
They will be angry. They will experience hard emotions. They will blame me.
I will hurt and I will question myself. I will wonder if I am doing "the right" thing.
But I don't want to think about that right now. I am not "right" to stay. I have not been "right" to stay. Where I thought I was being an empath I was merely being weak and he deserves more than that.
I have stayed too long
and damage is done
Am I strong enough?
Or am I stuck.
I wish it were not so complicated
But it is.
So Radical Acceptance?
Maybe then I will sleep again?
That is a term the new therapist taught me. and honestly I wonder what my old therapist would think of this
for me
right now
But my old therapist really wouldn't know because I kept way too much from him. Because I felt his "pain" and I protected him. Probably at my expense.
Empath
that was the word I have been looking for.
what is that, what does it mean again?
I do know the word but I really don't want to think about it right now. Clearly it fits me but I need it to not for a minute
and I need to be strong at the same time.
The problem is I know I need to leave. I know that needs to be my radical acceptance
and yet then I am the rejector.
And I will not have support in this decision.
I will have support from my new therapist
but I won't be able to afford him anymore so it's a bit of a predicament.
I don't need a psychiatrist. Old therapist is actually correct in that it was not what I needed when I emailed him concerned that I was cycling into an unstable state.
But facing this reality puts me at high risk of cycling into an unstable place. and acting on it will. or maybe not acting on it is what is putting me at risk? I really don't know. But clearly I am "high risk"
I read an article recently about brain injuries and the outcome of lasting effects also being related to the amount of social/emotional support the person has during recovery. I am past the initial physical recovery from this most recent concussion...I think. But my past is difficult and I can confidently say that leaving my husband is going to earn me much criticism and that lack of support that I have long dealt with could very well escalate.
that, and I will be so poor... I'm okay with that, but it is hard to give up financial security. I have been there before and I am resourceful; it's just another added stressor and since my current job pays enough to cover... well nothing. Taxes maybe. I am not at all sure how to move forward. I will have to be the one leaving. I will have to give up everything. Except the kids which is what really matters... but I will not have means to support them financially.
They will be angry. They will experience hard emotions. They will blame me.
I will hurt and I will question myself. I will wonder if I am doing "the right" thing.
But I don't want to think about that right now. I am not "right" to stay. I have not been "right" to stay. Where I thought I was being an empath I was merely being weak and he deserves more than that.
I have stayed too long
and damage is done
Am I strong enough?
Or am I stuck.
I wish it were not so complicated
But it is.
So Radical Acceptance?
Maybe then I will sleep again?
Wednesday, January 9, 2019
Writing my own story
This is where I belong
In the brain injury world
It is something I was fighting when I didn't know what I was fighting because I had what others (in authority) had perceived as "a full recovery" and because I had not lost (too much) of my intellectual abilities.
I do not want to be passed off now as head injury being "secondary" to mental illness or that is compounded by a preexisting mental illness. I do not believe this is the case. Even though in the case of this recent concussion it seems that way, that mental illness was secondary to a first and worse head injury. I believe my mental illnesses are a direct result of head injury. I may have been biologically more susceptible to mental illness but we can not say they would have developed had I not had a head injury. Prior I was a child and I was fine. Other then being a deep thinker at times and considered "gifted" I was easy going and NOT all the things I developed after the head injury that could get me all sorts of psychiatric diagnosis. My childhood had problems that would also mess me up, but the head injury definitely caused its own set of problems and I believe that my ability to maintain balance and keep myself out of hospitals and psych wards through some pretty intense mood swings and suicidal tendencies may be evidence against mental illness being the primary problem. It is just a theory. But it is also my life and it is my story and I get to write it.
In the brain injury world
It is something I was fighting when I didn't know what I was fighting because I had what others (in authority) had perceived as "a full recovery" and because I had not lost (too much) of my intellectual abilities.
I do not want to be passed off now as head injury being "secondary" to mental illness or that is compounded by a preexisting mental illness. I do not believe this is the case. Even though in the case of this recent concussion it seems that way, that mental illness was secondary to a first and worse head injury. I believe my mental illnesses are a direct result of head injury. I may have been biologically more susceptible to mental illness but we can not say they would have developed had I not had a head injury. Prior I was a child and I was fine. Other then being a deep thinker at times and considered "gifted" I was easy going and NOT all the things I developed after the head injury that could get me all sorts of psychiatric diagnosis. My childhood had problems that would also mess me up, but the head injury definitely caused its own set of problems and I believe that my ability to maintain balance and keep myself out of hospitals and psych wards through some pretty intense mood swings and suicidal tendencies may be evidence against mental illness being the primary problem. It is just a theory. But it is also my life and it is my story and I get to write it.
Tuesday, January 8, 2019
It's all coming back to me now. there and back again. and the life of tao
I felt your pain and I felt your attraction and I protected you.
I am sorry I am not what you thought I was.
I tried to tell you.
I tried to tell you I was breaking but you didn't see it.
Maybe I didn't realize it until it was too late.
I think that somehow using the word "counter-transference" in an email got me exiled
You did nothing wrong, I did nothing wrong. But the rules and guidelines are wrong.
You can fix this
I can help you help me.
But I didn't get here alone and I need help getting out.
I thought I was stronger and could. I maybe could have been. but conditions are not right for me to do it alone.
My mind has been trying to protect me and you at the same time and I believe you are trying to follow your rules do the same but it's not working. and as I stumble I am making mistakes and making a mess. I am not trying to. I don't want to hurt you and I am trying my best.
But I need you to be real again. I need you out of my head and out of my heart and just real.
You have excellent control and you are not reading this. for your own sake. so I speak to myself and I know it. which is why it hurts so much. You said things you cannot take back and I don't wish for you too. but reality aftermath is haunting and it is one too many punches to roll with. my complicated plate just got more so.
Now I have to tell myself it is was all in my head. I am making it all up and none of it was or is real.
If that is true than I guess that is a good thing to tell myself and I do need to get psychiatric care. But if it is not true than it is a messed up system that is first creating the thief then punishing them for it.
... If you ever decide to check in on me please talk to me.
and in the event that you do not, I stay exiled and forgotten, well I guess then I am sad for you because you are missing out. You are missing out on the beauty and adventure of me. You are missing out on the spark of life I bring to you. You are missing out on playfulness and conversations that intrigue you. You are missing out on Neverland and me. I am worth loving. I am worth the risk. I could have given you my beautiful world and you could have shared your burdens. I am not a bad place to be and you are always welcome to contact me but I'm taking back my power now.
And I will be okay. thank you for your time and what you have given me and given me back I will always love you for it. But I'd rather embrace my insanity and grieve the loss. You will be proud but you will also be hurt, but I can't save you from that nor will I try any longer. Sorry I am a slow processor
(you taught me that)
This is my story and this is how it goes.
I can get back on track.
I hope that this is not a regular part of your job and you don't become attached like this often because really not many people can handle it. Not everyone is as strong a fallen angel.
Yay.
my happy insanity is back. and somehow that makes me sane again.
My heart will heal. I'll come through this grieving process okay, and reprocess without falling back into the traps. I am strong and I am good again.
and just as soon as I start sleeping normal my mood will be more consistent... my brain will level out again and I don't need to put my life on hold waiting for doctors who rarely figure it out before I do anyway.
I got this
I am sorry I am not what you thought I was.
I tried to tell you.
I tried to tell you I was breaking but you didn't see it.
Maybe I didn't realize it until it was too late.
I think that somehow using the word "counter-transference" in an email got me exiled
You did nothing wrong, I did nothing wrong. But the rules and guidelines are wrong.
You can fix this
I can help you help me.
But I didn't get here alone and I need help getting out.
I thought I was stronger and could. I maybe could have been. but conditions are not right for me to do it alone.
My mind has been trying to protect me and you at the same time and I believe you are trying to follow your rules do the same but it's not working. and as I stumble I am making mistakes and making a mess. I am not trying to. I don't want to hurt you and I am trying my best.
But I need you to be real again. I need you out of my head and out of my heart and just real.
You have excellent control and you are not reading this. for your own sake. so I speak to myself and I know it. which is why it hurts so much. You said things you cannot take back and I don't wish for you too. but reality aftermath is haunting and it is one too many punches to roll with. my complicated plate just got more so.
Now I have to tell myself it is was all in my head. I am making it all up and none of it was or is real.
If that is true than I guess that is a good thing to tell myself and I do need to get psychiatric care. But if it is not true than it is a messed up system that is first creating the thief then punishing them for it.
... If you ever decide to check in on me please talk to me.
and in the event that you do not, I stay exiled and forgotten, well I guess then I am sad for you because you are missing out. You are missing out on the beauty and adventure of me. You are missing out on the spark of life I bring to you. You are missing out on playfulness and conversations that intrigue you. You are missing out on Neverland and me. I am worth loving. I am worth the risk. I could have given you my beautiful world and you could have shared your burdens. I am not a bad place to be and you are always welcome to contact me but I'm taking back my power now.
And I will be okay. thank you for your time and what you have given me and given me back I will always love you for it. But I'd rather embrace my insanity and grieve the loss. You will be proud but you will also be hurt, but I can't save you from that nor will I try any longer. Sorry I am a slow processor
(you taught me that)
This is my story and this is how it goes.
I can get back on track.
I hope that this is not a regular part of your job and you don't become attached like this often because really not many people can handle it. Not everyone is as strong a fallen angel.
Yay.
my happy insanity is back. and somehow that makes me sane again.
My heart will heal. I'll come through this grieving process okay, and reprocess without falling back into the traps. I am strong and I am good again.
and just as soon as I start sleeping normal my mood will be more consistent... my brain will level out again and I don't need to put my life on hold waiting for doctors who rarely figure it out before I do anyway.
I got this
the exiled
sleep evades me yet again.
to bed at 10
awake at 11
again at 4
again at 5
and awake since then
So I'm giving up on sleep again
since all I am doing is stewing
or something like that
I am only using that word because it rhymes
Today I have an appointment with my doctor that is in the same office as the therapist who exiled me.
Be busy
goodbye
to bed at 10
awake at 11
again at 4
again at 5
and awake since then
So I'm giving up on sleep again
since all I am doing is stewing
or something like that
I am only using that word because it rhymes
Today I have an appointment with my doctor that is in the same office as the therapist who exiled me.
Be busy
goodbye
Monday, January 7, 2019
7:35am
Last night I only took melatonin to help me sleep. I still woke at 3:30 and wanted to write but went back to sleep fairly easily. Then didn’t wake until 6:00 and then 7:00 (went to bed at 10pm)
The night (or two nights) before I had taken melatonin and clonazipam which worked about the same but my emotions yesterday were so screwy I decided to avoid the clonazipam and I am glad the melatonin worked fine last night.
At my 3 am waking my thoughts went a bit deep. They wanted to go deep but fortunately I was able to redirect them well enough to sleep.
reciprocity
I reflect other's feelings. projection. the intensity of my reactions may be reflective of the intensity of emotions projected?
I was able to go back to sleep and only have slightly been interested in revisiting those thoughts. Not sure that they are productive. So I'll leave them and I did because now it is 12:50 pm two days later and I am only writing to finish this up because it was open on my screen when I came to accomplish some other task on my computer.
I am easily side-tracked and derailed these days. I want resolution and I want to understand what "test" results were as well as why it is some people feel so sure that I am, can be, or will be of no value to them. That I am not worth the investment of time and energy. I would really like this question answered.
Maybe it is because I have not valued myself and truly when one does not believe in or value their self it is likely they won't be able to be of much value to others... but which came first the chicken or the egg? and why is it when I start to learn that or start to value myself that is when I will be turned on? What am I doing wrong?
At least I am of great superficial value still. I connect quickly and easily with people and they enjoy me for a moment I enjoy them and the moment is great. I am glad I can be that. I suppose I need to work on accepting that this is where it must end with me and I need to stay content with that through the times when I yearn for more.
Is that what I am to learn from this?
I don't know if this is me trying to "solve" or not. I think it is me trying to understand. And to solve or not to solve doesn't matter really because either way I am living this. This is my beautiful crazy life and not a burden but an adventure. Sometimes I wish more people could see it that way and enjoy the journey with me. I often feel I have more to contribute than I am allowed to. Oh well I guess. I suppose that is ego maybe arrogance? I don't know you decide today because I don't want to.
Okay... back on track...
What did I come on here to do again?
Saturday, January 5, 2019
tenacity
so when I type on my 70+ page self reflection and study report it does not copy and paste well if I choose to transfer it here. Therefore although, right now that is where I intended to start I am coming here because my thoughts feel like they might be worth publishing.
Push-Crash cycle. that is the cycle that is easy to get into after a head injury. It is a cycle I think I lived fairly regularly in since I was 12. After a head injury it is hard to break and aside from the obvious wearing out of crashes it wears a person out long term.
At 39 I had figured out well enough how to stay out of the extremes of those cycles, though I was not in my healthiest happiest place and honestly too much of my efforts to maintain in the more healthy productive ways had been lost and buried over the years, influenced maybe a bit too much by external influences. But I was level and managing. Emotional intensities sufficiently buried and/or masked as far as I thought. But maybe they weren't buried as well as I thought and I am sure they bled through the mask in ways that confused others. But I was fine without anti-depressants or anti-anxieties and I was finding my way once again after some pretty harsh rejection from what we had thought were good family friends.
Then I took a job at a school. I had been looking for part time but decided to take this one because it seemed like it could be a good place to build the career I have been putting off building and they said "family first." Unfortunately they had some very screwy philosophies that included top down training that came in the form of "well nobody trained me on it" and no curriculum resources. They also liked to make snap decisions about their teachers that would effect them significantly without ever getting the teachers input. Those and many other reasons made it a very unhealthy environment to work in and that was pretty obvious from the get go.
So I was in a quandary. This was not a healthy work environment and the demands were ridiculous being a first year charter school, no base curriculum, three grades, mainly troubled or low preforming students that were not getting the help and support they needed, no training on the basics; like how to use the smart tv's, new technology for the classroom and not the standard for the area, or the grading system. But I loved the kids I was working with.. It was a dilemma as I quickly became less and less available for my own struggling family. Since they had not got the numbers they were expecting at the first part of the year they had displaced teachers that could easily walk into my position I decided to start looking into other options.
On September 21st I made a decision to apply for a different job. I loved my kids I was working with but I new that my first priority needed to be to help my own kids. I talked with my administrator. I let her know how I was feeling about things, reminding her that I had initially been looking for part time and that she knew hiring me that family was my first priority. I explained that I was embarrassed, I felt bad about it and even though I was not sure what I was going to do just yet, that I was exploring other options and I wanted to give her a heads up. She was surprisingly understanding and supportive. She told me that they did not expect perfection but she also would support me in whatever decision I made. She let me know that I could just take it one week at a time and I didn't need to make a decision right away. It was the most support I had felt from administration the entire year, so I was encouraged, but still felt it worth applying and talking to the other school.
On my way home is when I go hit by a car turning left.
And that really complicated things.
Everything went black but I hadn't blacked out completely (I don't think). Then I was stopped and my arm and face hurt so badly, my emotions were instantly out of whack and I was confused, disoriented, and my whole body felt off; my right side felt longer than my left and I was limping even thought I didn't know why. I opted out of the ambulance ride, though on hind sight I wish I had taken it and had them do a whole body scan at the hospital because it would take so long to figure it all out and then I would have at least had it all documented from the beginning. They would have found the peroneal tendon tear in my ankle that I let go for over a year before deciding to have it examined by the correct doctor after realizing it was not going to heal on its own. If I had gone to the hospital they may have done an MRI or CT scan on my head that could have checked my sinuses and teeth that I have since had problems with. They may have picked up on why my left wrist will now get week and shaky with certain movements and activity. Maybe they would have picked up on the hairline fracture in my neck and maybe they would have found why my right hip still feels a little off too. But they almost certainly would have caught onto the concussion and given me better advice than the doctor at the insta care who I had to ask if it was a possibility and simply replied "maybe but we really don't do anything for those;" the doctor who was much more interested in my husbands thumb he had repaired the previous month than my puffy face and pathetic emotions.
Push crash became my daily routine.
It took a week and my chiropractors office picked up on the concussion. They realized I wasn't acting quite right and my exhaustion and emotions were telling a very obvious story to them.
It was a relief to know, though I think I already suspected it I was just to tired and malfunctional to really know it or face it.
But it scared the hell out of me.
It scared me because I already worried about my delicate brain, memory, language recall, emotional intensities, all of those things that I had worked so hard to "balance" and figure out how to manage since the head injury of my youth.
...It makes me sick just now, knowing that I found such an excellent doctor of neuropsychology that knows and understands the academic side of it so well and has been able to help me more than he realizes but that I am not allowed to utilize anymore. It makes me hurt a hurt built over a lifetime and all because he could possibly fall for me in some theoretical alternative? It is exactly what I need and I believe I could even be of value to him but I am of none. I am alone again. I have derailed... once again. My thoughts to reprocess and heal are derailed once again by this taboo and too many unanswered questions.
I am an adult. I am strong and solid and confident in so many ways. I have and can handle so very much. I am powerful. But I not a threat. ...unless one really is unethical then I often instinctively or intuitively turn into a natural fighter for justice and compassion. But even then just because I can be a fighter doesn't mean that I will be. Just because I am intelligent enough to go after a person and bring down the fort doesn't mean I will, and this most recent hit has taken so much of my fight out of me I haven't been able to even face the terrible school that is actually causing pain and psychological damage to children.
However I can hold my own but I am also sensitive and I listen. I try not to put "my own" over the needs of others. I can be accommodating and meet in the middle.
But I think this whole idea of having nothing to do with me because I am a potential liability, too complex, or not worth the time is unfair, disingenuous, and this is where it has become unethical. Besides I promise I can sufficiently kill (and probably already have) any feelings that could compromise his position. It's not that hard to face and talk to people. It seems so silly to me. Maybe a bit elitist.
I am not trying to solve this. I am living this and I wish to face it with maturity, like an adult and talk about it. It feels stupid and rather pointless in a way to try and work through this with a different counselor, they can only validate what I am feeling. He is trained and skilled and he can handle this. He has worked with me and understands me but he has withheld too much information and is unwilling to talk about it, that puts us both in the same positions as of the untrained, unskilled, heartbreakers, all of those who are too immature and scarred of facing their own insecurities to be a friend, or a professional, an adult or at least a creative free individual who can think and solve problems outside of the box.
When you have talked hard things out it is well worth it. The other side offers new strength value and insight you would not have otherwise had. Even if it doesn't go well or go as planned. There is more harm in leaving it a taboo; taking away the agency due to rigid conformity to rules that are not always correct.
I am a free thinker I suppose and I suppose in a world of conformity that is a lonely place to be.
I understand the need and value of conformity and I conform when needed and most often for the sake of others but to be able to think and discuss things openly and freely; it is a hidden treasure that is all to often buried and lost.
A conversation would be so helpful for me.
I am taking a clinic on the defensive cycles of communication. Doing what I can to become a better communicator because obviously I make mistakes but connecting with and understanding others is important to me.
... Now back on track to my original thoughts...
Head injuries cause problems. I am more sensitive to sleep and those basic healthy patterns of diet, exercise and sleep. I know this. It has been this was for a long time. But now it is even more so I feel. Though I am better. I can feel that I am better; my balance is better, I can write and communicate more effectively again, etc, I seem to be even more sensitive to those lifestyle patterns and stressors.
and right now it is a bit hard, sad and confusing because I once again have to figure out what to do with myself when I grow up. I love kids. I love working with kids but every time I substitute or if my class of snowboarders is to big I will have a head ache by 3:00 (or sooner) and then little to no reserves left to take care of my family, my house or myself. Often I will take a 30-45 minute nap and that will help but my mood stability is compromised at that point and I cry easy, I become impatient, I am forgetful and whatever else.
I am sad and confused about this because I once again have to figure out what to do with my life. How to move forward. I have to decide if I can or should even try to go back to teaching. Am I capable of it anymore? I likely could and find a balance, but I am not sure that it is worth it and honestly I am not sure how effective I would be... probably still a good teacher but I'd likely end up in trouble because I'd focus on the kids at the expense of all the political, grades, and paper work proofs they keep piling onto teachers. And no doubt I will end each day with a headache as I try to manage 30+ kids and all of their different learning styles at the same time everyday...
As I write this my internal tenacity is pushing back and a determination to try might be building... But...if I try and I find myself failing... I don't think that is a hit I can take. I'd sure like some good sound advice in this and other decisions I need to be making right now...
And likely the biggest problem form me right now is how screwed up my sleep cycle is after whatever weird reaction (manic-like) I had to being dropped by my therapist and then the time changes of Italy and back.
Push-Crash cycle. that is the cycle that is easy to get into after a head injury. It is a cycle I think I lived fairly regularly in since I was 12. After a head injury it is hard to break and aside from the obvious wearing out of crashes it wears a person out long term.
At 39 I had figured out well enough how to stay out of the extremes of those cycles, though I was not in my healthiest happiest place and honestly too much of my efforts to maintain in the more healthy productive ways had been lost and buried over the years, influenced maybe a bit too much by external influences. But I was level and managing. Emotional intensities sufficiently buried and/or masked as far as I thought. But maybe they weren't buried as well as I thought and I am sure they bled through the mask in ways that confused others. But I was fine without anti-depressants or anti-anxieties and I was finding my way once again after some pretty harsh rejection from what we had thought were good family friends.
Then I took a job at a school. I had been looking for part time but decided to take this one because it seemed like it could be a good place to build the career I have been putting off building and they said "family first." Unfortunately they had some very screwy philosophies that included top down training that came in the form of "well nobody trained me on it" and no curriculum resources. They also liked to make snap decisions about their teachers that would effect them significantly without ever getting the teachers input. Those and many other reasons made it a very unhealthy environment to work in and that was pretty obvious from the get go.
So I was in a quandary. This was not a healthy work environment and the demands were ridiculous being a first year charter school, no base curriculum, three grades, mainly troubled or low preforming students that were not getting the help and support they needed, no training on the basics; like how to use the smart tv's, new technology for the classroom and not the standard for the area, or the grading system. But I loved the kids I was working with.. It was a dilemma as I quickly became less and less available for my own struggling family. Since they had not got the numbers they were expecting at the first part of the year they had displaced teachers that could easily walk into my position I decided to start looking into other options.
On September 21st I made a decision to apply for a different job. I loved my kids I was working with but I new that my first priority needed to be to help my own kids. I talked with my administrator. I let her know how I was feeling about things, reminding her that I had initially been looking for part time and that she knew hiring me that family was my first priority. I explained that I was embarrassed, I felt bad about it and even though I was not sure what I was going to do just yet, that I was exploring other options and I wanted to give her a heads up. She was surprisingly understanding and supportive. She told me that they did not expect perfection but she also would support me in whatever decision I made. She let me know that I could just take it one week at a time and I didn't need to make a decision right away. It was the most support I had felt from administration the entire year, so I was encouraged, but still felt it worth applying and talking to the other school.
On my way home is when I go hit by a car turning left.
And that really complicated things.
Everything went black but I hadn't blacked out completely (I don't think). Then I was stopped and my arm and face hurt so badly, my emotions were instantly out of whack and I was confused, disoriented, and my whole body felt off; my right side felt longer than my left and I was limping even thought I didn't know why. I opted out of the ambulance ride, though on hind sight I wish I had taken it and had them do a whole body scan at the hospital because it would take so long to figure it all out and then I would have at least had it all documented from the beginning. They would have found the peroneal tendon tear in my ankle that I let go for over a year before deciding to have it examined by the correct doctor after realizing it was not going to heal on its own. If I had gone to the hospital they may have done an MRI or CT scan on my head that could have checked my sinuses and teeth that I have since had problems with. They may have picked up on why my left wrist will now get week and shaky with certain movements and activity. Maybe they would have picked up on the hairline fracture in my neck and maybe they would have found why my right hip still feels a little off too. But they almost certainly would have caught onto the concussion and given me better advice than the doctor at the insta care who I had to ask if it was a possibility and simply replied "maybe but we really don't do anything for those;" the doctor who was much more interested in my husbands thumb he had repaired the previous month than my puffy face and pathetic emotions.
Push crash became my daily routine.
It took a week and my chiropractors office picked up on the concussion. They realized I wasn't acting quite right and my exhaustion and emotions were telling a very obvious story to them.
It was a relief to know, though I think I already suspected it I was just to tired and malfunctional to really know it or face it.
But it scared the hell out of me.
It scared me because I already worried about my delicate brain, memory, language recall, emotional intensities, all of those things that I had worked so hard to "balance" and figure out how to manage since the head injury of my youth.
...It makes me sick just now, knowing that I found such an excellent doctor of neuropsychology that knows and understands the academic side of it so well and has been able to help me more than he realizes but that I am not allowed to utilize anymore. It makes me hurt a hurt built over a lifetime and all because he could possibly fall for me in some theoretical alternative? It is exactly what I need and I believe I could even be of value to him but I am of none. I am alone again. I have derailed... once again. My thoughts to reprocess and heal are derailed once again by this taboo and too many unanswered questions.
I am an adult. I am strong and solid and confident in so many ways. I have and can handle so very much. I am powerful. But I not a threat. ...unless one really is unethical then I often instinctively or intuitively turn into a natural fighter for justice and compassion. But even then just because I can be a fighter doesn't mean that I will be. Just because I am intelligent enough to go after a person and bring down the fort doesn't mean I will, and this most recent hit has taken so much of my fight out of me I haven't been able to even face the terrible school that is actually causing pain and psychological damage to children.
However I can hold my own but I am also sensitive and I listen. I try not to put "my own" over the needs of others. I can be accommodating and meet in the middle.
But I think this whole idea of having nothing to do with me because I am a potential liability, too complex, or not worth the time is unfair, disingenuous, and this is where it has become unethical. Besides I promise I can sufficiently kill (and probably already have) any feelings that could compromise his position. It's not that hard to face and talk to people. It seems so silly to me. Maybe a bit elitist.
I am not trying to solve this. I am living this and I wish to face it with maturity, like an adult and talk about it. It feels stupid and rather pointless in a way to try and work through this with a different counselor, they can only validate what I am feeling. He is trained and skilled and he can handle this. He has worked with me and understands me but he has withheld too much information and is unwilling to talk about it, that puts us both in the same positions as of the untrained, unskilled, heartbreakers, all of those who are too immature and scarred of facing their own insecurities to be a friend, or a professional, an adult or at least a creative free individual who can think and solve problems outside of the box.
When you have talked hard things out it is well worth it. The other side offers new strength value and insight you would not have otherwise had. Even if it doesn't go well or go as planned. There is more harm in leaving it a taboo; taking away the agency due to rigid conformity to rules that are not always correct.
I am a free thinker I suppose and I suppose in a world of conformity that is a lonely place to be.
I understand the need and value of conformity and I conform when needed and most often for the sake of others but to be able to think and discuss things openly and freely; it is a hidden treasure that is all to often buried and lost.
A conversation would be so helpful for me.
I am taking a clinic on the defensive cycles of communication. Doing what I can to become a better communicator because obviously I make mistakes but connecting with and understanding others is important to me.
... Now back on track to my original thoughts...
Head injuries cause problems. I am more sensitive to sleep and those basic healthy patterns of diet, exercise and sleep. I know this. It has been this was for a long time. But now it is even more so I feel. Though I am better. I can feel that I am better; my balance is better, I can write and communicate more effectively again, etc, I seem to be even more sensitive to those lifestyle patterns and stressors.
and right now it is a bit hard, sad and confusing because I once again have to figure out what to do with myself when I grow up. I love kids. I love working with kids but every time I substitute or if my class of snowboarders is to big I will have a head ache by 3:00 (or sooner) and then little to no reserves left to take care of my family, my house or myself. Often I will take a 30-45 minute nap and that will help but my mood stability is compromised at that point and I cry easy, I become impatient, I am forgetful and whatever else.
I am sad and confused about this because I once again have to figure out what to do with my life. How to move forward. I have to decide if I can or should even try to go back to teaching. Am I capable of it anymore? I likely could and find a balance, but I am not sure that it is worth it and honestly I am not sure how effective I would be... probably still a good teacher but I'd likely end up in trouble because I'd focus on the kids at the expense of all the political, grades, and paper work proofs they keep piling onto teachers. And no doubt I will end each day with a headache as I try to manage 30+ kids and all of their different learning styles at the same time everyday...
As I write this my internal tenacity is pushing back and a determination to try might be building... But...if I try and I find myself failing... I don't think that is a hit I can take. I'd sure like some good sound advice in this and other decisions I need to be making right now...
And likely the biggest problem form me right now is how screwed up my sleep cycle is after whatever weird reaction (manic-like) I had to being dropped by my therapist and then the time changes of Italy and back.
Thursday, January 3, 2019
Epiphany is that you?
"Maybe, I will really burn this down"
Burn bridges
f*#@ it up on purpose
maybe that is how I can feel like I have some control in my life
if I start intentionally messing things up..
Is that why people do some of the things they do?
a way to gain control when they feel like they have none
a way to gain power when they feel powerless
If everything feels so screwed up anyway
why not take control and start screwing it up intentionally
...before it screws you
aahhh...
this makes sense
I bet this is a common problem
I wonder how much I may have unconsciously done this myself already
"don't you worry about you f*#@ing things up, I've totally got it covered."
and I think I have had this epiphany before
just in a slightly different version
in what often feels like a king of the hill* culture. (*referring to the children's game where you try to knock the king off of the hill to become the king of the hill; become the strongest and the best by knocking others down)
humans are weird
and very fascinating
Burn bridges
f*#@ it up on purpose
maybe that is how I can feel like I have some control in my life
if I start intentionally messing things up..
Is that why people do some of the things they do?
a way to gain control when they feel like they have none
a way to gain power when they feel powerless
If everything feels so screwed up anyway
why not take control and start screwing it up intentionally
...before it screws you
aahhh...
this makes sense
I bet this is a common problem
I wonder how much I may have unconsciously done this myself already
"don't you worry about you f*#@ing things up, I've totally got it covered."
and I think I have had this epiphany before
just in a slightly different version
in what often feels like a king of the hill* culture. (*referring to the children's game where you try to knock the king off of the hill to become the king of the hill; become the strongest and the best by knocking others down)
humans are weird
and very fascinating
alone again
and so it's been decided
again and again
I'm best off
stuck right where I am
Fine.
I hate all you all
and at least that makes me laugh
here alone
again
confused again
unsure of which way to turn
because somehow
I fuck everything up
and I don't even like that word
not one bit
but seems to be my talent
Go me
right now
fucking it up
any chances that ever could have potentially existed
don't worry
I'll screw the shit out of it
Maybe I should be prostitute
this is so horrible of me to type and I know I "shouldn't" publish it especially since it is very much out of character for me. But that maybe exactly why it is making me laugh.
To hell with trying to be what I am not
I am just one fucking screw up that despises that word and (being fully honest here) has a tendency to be a bit "judgey" of the use and/or regular users of the word. It is not something I like the idea of at all. but at the same time
it is making me laugh as I am making an effort to get out of my "stuck"
Really
its bullshit
my stuck
is bullshit
I am stuck in the boxes that others place me in and I don't have any idea how to get out
After 40 years and I am here, maybe I am not capable of it?
Maybe I am just plain old bullshit and all the bad words I try to avoid and maybe I should embrace that
But I am supposed to be careful of the "shoulds"
but that was the golden mistake
so what the hell does that mean
what does it all mean?
Well, since its of no value where I thought it might be then
it is all just bullshit
so to hell with all ya all
and this is my angry profane rant that I have kept inside for so fucking long that it makes me laugh and cry at the same time!
I never swore when they warned my parents I might.
...And I will keep you away
I will keep you safe
from me
because I am just a fucking load of bullshit that somehow preserves others from the liability of myself by fucking things up beyond repair.
Go ME!
At least I am really good at fucking things up. so good that half the time people think I've done my job before I've even started. I can fuck things up before the fucking has even started! Now that is a skill!
I feel very proud of myself now.
I am competent and skilled and nobody even knows it. which must mean that I am humble too, right?
... there you have it
my talents revealed
good day
Where am I even going with this
If any humans in the real world actually happen to stumble across this and read this
I am sorry (though it does make me laugh in this moment and I kind of need that)
I need people much more than they need me.
and I am sorry for that
but at least I am good at preserving them by making a mess of things early on
I don't know how I feel about that
I am not even sure what I mean by that
It is likely one of those things that I am supposed to keep inside and not reveal that I feel about myself because it reflects poorly on me. I am supposed to somehow work through that on my own without talking about it until I am strong and on the other side of it. I have not had much success with that. Maybe I am the Ghostrider ...what a stupid movie. Yep, that about fits. Stupid, overly dramatic without being overly dramatic, bad acting, but actually kind of intelligent on some level...
How dumb
... um these might be negative thought processes and I don't allow self-deprecation by my kids or their friends.. so I am being a really bad example here.
For what purpose?
I don't know?
No, I do, for the purpose of illustrating the realities and to help me move out of my stuck... moving from thinking [counterproductive] to doing.
I am sorry if I have warped advice and instructions
but when we are prematurely left to our own devices and/or are not valued enough to be worked with, befriended, played with, or loved, then we often go awry.
Humans are weird
Why do we self sabotage?
I think I am good now.
Time to start my day
...again
"oh man, it's already 10,"
"I don't even care"
"Yes I do, I've gotten my writing out. I feel better. Now what can I do to be the strongest version of me today?"
again and again
I'm best off
stuck right where I am
Fine.
I hate all you all
and at least that makes me laugh
here alone
again
confused again
unsure of which way to turn
because somehow
I fuck everything up
and I don't even like that word
not one bit
but seems to be my talent
Go me
right now
fucking it up
any chances that ever could have potentially existed
don't worry
I'll screw the shit out of it
Maybe I should be prostitute
this is so horrible of me to type and I know I "shouldn't" publish it especially since it is very much out of character for me. But that maybe exactly why it is making me laugh.
To hell with trying to be what I am not
I am just one fucking screw up that despises that word and (being fully honest here) has a tendency to be a bit "judgey" of the use and/or regular users of the word. It is not something I like the idea of at all. but at the same time
it is making me laugh as I am making an effort to get out of my "stuck"
Really
its bullshit
my stuck
is bullshit
I am stuck in the boxes that others place me in and I don't have any idea how to get out
After 40 years and I am here, maybe I am not capable of it?
Maybe I am just plain old bullshit and all the bad words I try to avoid and maybe I should embrace that
But I am supposed to be careful of the "shoulds"
but that was the golden mistake
so what the hell does that mean
what does it all mean?
Well, since its of no value where I thought it might be then
it is all just bullshit
so to hell with all ya all
and this is my angry profane rant that I have kept inside for so fucking long that it makes me laugh and cry at the same time!
I never swore when they warned my parents I might.
...And I will keep you away
I will keep you safe
from me
because I am just a fucking load of bullshit that somehow preserves others from the liability of myself by fucking things up beyond repair.
Go ME!
At least I am really good at fucking things up. so good that half the time people think I've done my job before I've even started. I can fuck things up before the fucking has even started! Now that is a skill!
I feel very proud of myself now.
I am competent and skilled and nobody even knows it. which must mean that I am humble too, right?
... there you have it
my talents revealed
good day
Where am I even going with this
If any humans in the real world actually happen to stumble across this and read this
I am sorry (though it does make me laugh in this moment and I kind of need that)
I need people much more than they need me.
and I am sorry for that
but at least I am good at preserving them by making a mess of things early on
I don't know how I feel about that
I am not even sure what I mean by that
It is likely one of those things that I am supposed to keep inside and not reveal that I feel about myself because it reflects poorly on me. I am supposed to somehow work through that on my own without talking about it until I am strong and on the other side of it. I have not had much success with that. Maybe I am the Ghostrider ...what a stupid movie. Yep, that about fits. Stupid, overly dramatic without being overly dramatic, bad acting, but actually kind of intelligent on some level...
How dumb
... um these might be negative thought processes and I don't allow self-deprecation by my kids or their friends.. so I am being a really bad example here.
For what purpose?
I don't know?
No, I do, for the purpose of illustrating the realities and to help me move out of my stuck... moving from thinking [counterproductive] to doing.
I am sorry if I have warped advice and instructions
but when we are prematurely left to our own devices and/or are not valued enough to be worked with, befriended, played with, or loved, then we often go awry.
Humans are weird
Why do we self sabotage?
I think I am good now.
Time to start my day
...again
"oh man, it's already 10,"
"I don't even care"
"Yes I do, I've gotten my writing out. I feel better. Now what can I do to be the strongest version of me today?"
Wednesday, January 2, 2019
yesterday
Yesterday,
after starting the day off real low, I had a great day teaching snowboarding. I got to help a kid face his fears, taking him to the next level. He had a bit of a melt down. I had a good conversation with his dad and in the end I at least got to tell the boy that he did it. Nobody else. He made it down with the fear anxiety and all and that is something he can be very proud of.
I had other fantastic students as well. For a moment, before we switched her to her correct starting group I had a lovely 50+ year old lady with neuropathy who was just learning how to snowboard. She had been misplaced into my group because it had been assumed when she talked about going up a certain lift/hill the day before she had been in a lesson. She had not and she knew nothing about snowboarding so I had to level her down, which she was embarrassed about, but my thought, and I shared this with her, was how freaking awesome she was for having tried it on her own. Everybody assumed she had a lesson because that kind of bravery from a lady her age from a state with no snow is kind of unheard of.
I love this job because I get to meet really great people and I get to work with really great people, who are fun and open minded. They laugh easy and care. It pays lousy but the payoff is quite high.
It was crazy for me to be teaching concussed last year. I know this even more this year as my balance and brain are so much better and I am relieved to know I am a good snowboarder again and the mess of my brain last year has not taken that from me forever.
Snowboarding last year was "A bit reckless" some might say, but it was the home and comfort that I needed. The connection with nature and people that kept me going and kept me okay through a very hard time. It helped me heal.
I am grateful for the job. For my Neverland.
I am curious about my cycling right now.
But grateful that I have come so far.
This type of daily cycling used to be so much more painful and difficult and my self-talk was so hard to redirect, control, whatever.
I am still cycling. Today I am starting a bit low, with yet another lingering cold, but at least I get to work again. And all will be well again. I am grateful I have that confidence now.
after starting the day off real low, I had a great day teaching snowboarding. I got to help a kid face his fears, taking him to the next level. He had a bit of a melt down. I had a good conversation with his dad and in the end I at least got to tell the boy that he did it. Nobody else. He made it down with the fear anxiety and all and that is something he can be very proud of.
I had other fantastic students as well. For a moment, before we switched her to her correct starting group I had a lovely 50+ year old lady with neuropathy who was just learning how to snowboard. She had been misplaced into my group because it had been assumed when she talked about going up a certain lift/hill the day before she had been in a lesson. She had not and she knew nothing about snowboarding so I had to level her down, which she was embarrassed about, but my thought, and I shared this with her, was how freaking awesome she was for having tried it on her own. Everybody assumed she had a lesson because that kind of bravery from a lady her age from a state with no snow is kind of unheard of.
I love this job because I get to meet really great people and I get to work with really great people, who are fun and open minded. They laugh easy and care. It pays lousy but the payoff is quite high.
It was crazy for me to be teaching concussed last year. I know this even more this year as my balance and brain are so much better and I am relieved to know I am a good snowboarder again and the mess of my brain last year has not taken that from me forever.
Snowboarding last year was "A bit reckless" some might say, but it was the home and comfort that I needed. The connection with nature and people that kept me going and kept me okay through a very hard time. It helped me heal.
I am grateful for the job. For my Neverland.
I am curious about my cycling right now.
But grateful that I have come so far.
This type of daily cycling used to be so much more painful and difficult and my self-talk was so hard to redirect, control, whatever.
I am still cycling. Today I am starting a bit low, with yet another lingering cold, but at least I get to work again. And all will be well again. I am grateful I have that confidence now.
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
Rapid cycling
1/1/19 8:30pm
I used to wonder about a thing called "rapid cycling." The term seemed to fit me as I would find myself cycling between extreme highs and lows multiple times within a day or from day to day. But usually it was within the same day. I looked up what it meant but it turned out that what I was experiencing was not really what was defined as rapid cycling. From what I remember the term referred to bipolar types of mania/hypo-mania and depression cycles that would last for a few days to weeks per each up and down swing. Since it was not something that happened that rapidly and I was not "bipolar" I figured the medical/psychological defined term was not a condition or symptom that matched me. I am pretty sure I asked a doctor/psychiatrist/counselor about it also and by their definition it did not fit.
But the term rapid cycle in a different sense is very fitting. Today could be considered a "rapid cycle" day, though not quite the same as they way I would experience it years ago when I wondered about the term. I was not up and down all day and I did not have to work so hard to change somewhat crazy cyclical thinking patterns. Upon reflection now I wonder if my previous "rapid cycling" was just immature and unskilled fighting of negative/destructive and unhealthy thought processes. As I would try to fight my negative thoughts I'd upswing. Upswing as I tried to tell myself the positive or talk myself out of the negative. I would down swing as I realized the ridiculousness of positives. I was fighting myself. At least those are parts as I remember.
since my "normal" may be "too intense" who freaking knows
I used to wonder about a thing called "rapid cycling." The term seemed to fit me as I would find myself cycling between extreme highs and lows multiple times within a day or from day to day. But usually it was within the same day. I looked up what it meant but it turned out that what I was experiencing was not really what was defined as rapid cycling. From what I remember the term referred to bipolar types of mania/hypo-mania and depression cycles that would last for a few days to weeks per each up and down swing. Since it was not something that happened that rapidly and I was not "bipolar" I figured the medical/psychological defined term was not a condition or symptom that matched me. I am pretty sure I asked a doctor/psychiatrist/counselor about it also and by their definition it did not fit.
But the term rapid cycle in a different sense is very fitting. Today could be considered a "rapid cycle" day, though not quite the same as they way I would experience it years ago when I wondered about the term. I was not up and down all day and I did not have to work so hard to change somewhat crazy cyclical thinking patterns. Upon reflection now I wonder if my previous "rapid cycling" was just immature and unskilled fighting of negative/destructive and unhealthy thought processes. As I would try to fight my negative thoughts I'd upswing. Upswing as I tried to tell myself the positive or talk myself out of the negative. I would down swing as I realized the ridiculousness of positives. I was fighting myself. At least those are parts as I remember.
since my "normal" may be "too intense" who freaking knows
face to face
1/1/19 4:12 am
the travel back from Italy and time changes have our family so tired we came home and were in bed by 10 pm this New Years Eve. I have to work tomorrow too. Teaching snowboarding to preschoolers so I need the sleep. But now here I am awake again. unable sleep. This time it was the furnace that woke me but it is my predicament that is keeping me awake... too long awake, this time with tears... too many.. so I am trying the writing again.
I'm cycling through dangerous grounds now.
as my mind toys with the feelings of worthlessness and realizing how much of a burden I really am...
it's dangerous territory...
[should I post some no trespassing signs and stay out? or walk through it in order to face whatever creature is there?... the one that may be slowly and slyly wrapping its soft and familiar tentacles around me and pulling me in anyway]
Losing the one person in my life who seemed to have answers, seemed to know how to help me, and seemed to be able to care about me in ways I needed to be cared about is too harsh a blow right now and in my fatigue my mind keeps cycling back to things I've screwed up. I am aware that right now is a very easy time for me to cycle right back into old ways and negative thinking patterns and truly I don't want to so I am trying to stay out of the ruts... But my most trusted mentor that has been able to help me most effectively in getting out of those ruts wants nothing to do with me and I've lost him and I am supposed to keep pushing him out of my mind... somehow believing that I did nothing wrong.
...Obviously I did something wrong, or many things wrong. Where this mentor and mistaken friend is a licensed and trained therapist I am somehow supposed to be able to avoid self blame, but seriously, that is a ridiculous and ludicrous notion to believe that somehow it was all the therapist and not me that screwed up when I am obviously screwed up or I wouldn't have been there in the first place.
So this leads me into remembering that at one point I was able to find that empowering. Can I do that again? but the empowering fed a more severe reaction that likely screwed things up even more so is it best to avoid that?
I suppose what does it matter if it does lead to mania again, that would be nice to feel again... except without the heart pain. But I know better, I rarely come out of those episodes with out causing irreparable damage. It's not like in the movies, where people forgive and everyone is better for it, it is more, people are terrified of you for whatever reason and no longer want anything to do with you. Maybe they are not terrified at all but annoyed and needing to preserve themselves. I don't know what it is, because they don't/won't tell me and I am not on the other side. The most likely answer I have been given as of yet is that my pushing of boundaries makes people feel uncomfortable and/or angry.
Okay.
But why then do I also loose people when I am not in those crazy manic-like places? or am I there [or perceived there] more than I realize because I am more intense or extreme or whatever it is that I am?
Loosing people is a natural part of life?
that sucks
I hate that
And as abandoned as I feel why is it I want to do some abandoning myself?
I want to leave all that I have worked to build over the past 20 years. I had decided about a year ago that I was not going to think about leaving anymore because I had invested too much and my wavering mental commitment may be causing harm itself. But I am aware again and I am tired of feeling like a burden and I feel [again] so aware of how core values have been and continue to be compromised ... wondering if I am or have lost too much of me or if it is selfish to think that way at all especially since through it all I have also found and created new bits and pieces of me.
...it is a predicament.
I start with a new therapist tomorrow. and I'll try a different one next week... just to ensure "a good match." But I really don't want to find someone new at all. I like my old one, if that is all he can ever be for me... so its a predicament.
It hurts
and I guess thats life
but why does it have to be that way?
I am glad he has people looking out for him and "protecting" him but I am mad at those people too. I am mad at the ones he works with that will look out for him so completely at my expense. And maybe I am mad at him too for giving them all the credit and trust while I am left alone to figure this out all over again but now more complicated... I am not mad at him for looking out for himself just mad at the system for abandoning when they are supposed to be the ones to help people fix those issues, to protect... or at very least do no harm.**
and my anger only reinforces their fear of my being a liability, which I was not and am not.
...but I suppose I could become in order to live up to there expectations. (a topic I have found very fascinating, especially in the education world)
I don't think I will, but usually we don't know how we will react to life stressors until we are faced with them. Often we are very surprised by our feelings and reactions, and [like it or not] the expectations we put on each other can be a driving voodoo force.
You know this and I know that you do. "Please be careful with me... I am sensitive and I would like to stay that way"
To whom am I speaking to? Your guess is as good as mine
...but I do hope (and expect) that my awareness of it will keep me from becoming any kind of feared "liability."
I do wish more people would face their fears.
We are not so scary once we are faced.
Profoundly strengthening really. :)
Good night again morning.
**posted 7/11/20: At that point I felt like others were telling him how to handle me and that he needed to get rid of me. I felt as though some of the things he said and his good riddance email to me were likely influenced by those at his institution and/or flawed policies. I felt that some of the "tricks" he had tried with me were things he was told to do by others at his institution i.e. when he he looked at me and forcefully commanded me to, "stop emailing" him. He also had said things about how others needed him more, they had to turn people away, I didn't know the other side of things, and he questioned my "ability to pay." He had in a previous appointment also expressed some disappointment or disagreement with the expectations his institution had of him.
the travel back from Italy and time changes have our family so tired we came home and were in bed by 10 pm this New Years Eve. I have to work tomorrow too. Teaching snowboarding to preschoolers so I need the sleep. But now here I am awake again. unable sleep. This time it was the furnace that woke me but it is my predicament that is keeping me awake... too long awake, this time with tears... too many.. so I am trying the writing again.
I'm cycling through dangerous grounds now.
as my mind toys with the feelings of worthlessness and realizing how much of a burden I really am...
it's dangerous territory...
[should I post some no trespassing signs and stay out? or walk through it in order to face whatever creature is there?... the one that may be slowly and slyly wrapping its soft and familiar tentacles around me and pulling me in anyway]
...Obviously I did something wrong, or many things wrong. Where this mentor and mistaken friend is a licensed and trained therapist I am somehow supposed to be able to avoid self blame, but seriously, that is a ridiculous and ludicrous notion to believe that somehow it was all the therapist and not me that screwed up when I am obviously screwed up or I wouldn't have been there in the first place.
So this leads me into remembering that at one point I was able to find that empowering. Can I do that again? but the empowering fed a more severe reaction that likely screwed things up even more so is it best to avoid that?
I suppose what does it matter if it does lead to mania again, that would be nice to feel again... except without the heart pain. But I know better, I rarely come out of those episodes with out causing irreparable damage. It's not like in the movies, where people forgive and everyone is better for it, it is more, people are terrified of you for whatever reason and no longer want anything to do with you. Maybe they are not terrified at all but annoyed and needing to preserve themselves. I don't know what it is, because they don't/won't tell me and I am not on the other side. The most likely answer I have been given as of yet is that my pushing of boundaries makes people feel uncomfortable and/or angry.
Okay.
But why then do I also loose people when I am not in those crazy manic-like places? or am I there [or perceived there] more than I realize because I am more intense or extreme or whatever it is that I am?
Loosing people is a natural part of life?
that sucks
I hate that
And as abandoned as I feel why is it I want to do some abandoning myself?
I want to leave all that I have worked to build over the past 20 years. I had decided about a year ago that I was not going to think about leaving anymore because I had invested too much and my wavering mental commitment may be causing harm itself. But I am aware again and I am tired of feeling like a burden and I feel [again] so aware of how core values have been and continue to be compromised ... wondering if I am or have lost too much of me or if it is selfish to think that way at all especially since through it all I have also found and created new bits and pieces of me.
...it is a predicament.
I start with a new therapist tomorrow. and I'll try a different one next week... just to ensure "a good match." But I really don't want to find someone new at all. I like my old one, if that is all he can ever be for me... so its a predicament.
It hurts
and I guess thats life
but why does it have to be that way?
I am glad he has people looking out for him and "protecting" him but I am mad at those people too. I am mad at the ones he works with that will look out for him so completely at my expense. And maybe I am mad at him too for giving them all the credit and trust while I am left alone to figure this out all over again but now more complicated... I am not mad at him for looking out for himself just mad at the system for abandoning when they are supposed to be the ones to help people fix those issues, to protect... or at very least do no harm.**
and my anger only reinforces their fear of my being a liability, which I was not and am not.
...but I suppose I could become in order to live up to there expectations. (a topic I have found very fascinating, especially in the education world)
I don't think I will, but usually we don't know how we will react to life stressors until we are faced with them. Often we are very surprised by our feelings and reactions, and [like it or not] the expectations we put on each other can be a driving voodoo force.
You know this and I know that you do. "Please be careful with me... I am sensitive and I would like to stay that way"
To whom am I speaking to? Your guess is as good as mine
...but I do hope (and expect) that my awareness of it will keep me from becoming any kind of feared "liability."
I do wish more people would face their fears.
We are not so scary once we are faced.
Profoundly strengthening really. :)
Good night again morning.
**posted 7/11/20: At that point I felt like others were telling him how to handle me and that he needed to get rid of me. I felt as though some of the things he said and his good riddance email to me were likely influenced by those at his institution and/or flawed policies. I felt that some of the "tricks" he had tried with me were things he was told to do by others at his institution i.e. when he he looked at me and forcefully commanded me to, "stop emailing" him. He also had said things about how others needed him more, they had to turn people away, I didn't know the other side of things, and he questioned my "ability to pay." He had in a previous appointment also expressed some disappointment or disagreement with the expectations his institution had of him.
Tuesday, December 18, 2018
the circle of... life?... or is it madness
I am in a bit of an obsessive cycle, trying not to "solve this" while trying to solve this mess. Why did I break and why do I want so desperately to talk to my Dr. Perri Cherie? this may just turn into a very disjointed connected post but I'll let it be whatever it decides to be and whatever it turns itself into. I wasn't going to mention Dr. Cherie, I meant to focus on the repeats of patterns I am seeing as I have been reading through some previous posts.
I was going to come on here to say I think it is very likely that the head injury I suffered really is what has effected my mood stability so much. It took me a very long time to figure out how to stabilize my moods, how to utilize my neuroplasticity, and how to concurrently cope with the variety of other atypicals of my life, and over all I had reached a balance. It was maybe not the most healthy balance and there were definitely problems with the craftsmanship but I had at very least stabilized the major mood and insanity issues. Until I took another blow to the head.
It upset my stability. Knocked it out of balance again.
But this time, being older and wiser, having the luxury of a little more time on my hands, knowing the trials I had faced far too alone the first time and the major time, I was determined to put myself back to together with correctly guided professional help. So I sought out the best, which is more challenging than you realize when your brain is a mess and your emotions are out of whack. The very reason I needed good help are exact problems that make it challenging to find good help. But with some help, and exhausted determination (which means it takes more time) I found and continue to find good help. My vestibular therapist was amazing and I was seriously sad to leave her when it was time to be done. My chiropractor did such a good job with me and offered some emotional support so I likely stayed there too long but moved on easily, shutting that door when I realized this. But still they were the support I needed. I tried a few places that weren't a good fit. I had a few doctors that blew me off or just didn't want to be involved. Those likely contributed to my overlooking of symptoms, like my ankle that will actually require surgery if I ever hope to have it heal. Sometimes it was discouraging but I kept on looking as I knew I wasn't put back together right and I want to be. Along the way I was directed to not only a good psychologist but the best neuropsychologist in the area for head trauma related issues. Maybe I am bias, but I quickly saw how knowledgable he is and how good he really is at his job. He had the ability to help me; not only to help me put myself back together but to put myself together better then I had ever been. He was a dream come true, the reward to much effort, and the answer to many years of prayers. But something happened... I was too much and not enough at the same time. Too much crafted over too many years maybe, not enough obvious injury maybe? I am not sure. Yet I am sure I could ramble on and on about the endless possibilities and because I can do that I will likely hit on some truths along the way but I really would rather not. But something happened and I am not sure what or why.
So I am searching myself for answers and I am finding some repeat patterns. I am glad I have this forgotten blog to refer back to. It is helpful. Yet, I also know that I am very different. I have grown and matured a lot from some things I read while others I am still very much the same, but mostly I had become more of a balanced version of all of it, except that I maybe had lost a bit too much of my insanity. Or I had believed that I had. There are parts of me that I just need to embrace and accept better. I need to be okay with my perfectly imperfect self. Dr. Perri Cherie was teaching me that and how to, and constructively. Or at least that is what I thought. I was blocked and stubborn at times I am sure, but I also was protecting. Not me so much as him. I feel I am repeating myself now and am losing track of where I intended to go with my writing today... But I committed to letting it be whatever it turned out to be so if I am ruminating I suppose that is what needs to be, for a moment... And I will accept that so that I can move on. I am at times a slow processor but on that note, why would I be hard on myself for that when repetition and practice is how we learn? But repetition in the lonely brain is rumination and "counterproductive." Is it? Buddha says to question everything, and as one who often does I know that this can be exhausting and you then can become a black hole of knowledge. SO... This is why I crave talking to Perri Cherie so desperately. He had answers and he knew how to work with me and how to work me. Even if he was playing with me, I didn't mind because I like play and good things happen when we are allowed to play... But I never really thought or felt that he was playing with me in any way that was "inappropriate" or whatever and I still don't think it because I am "very intuitive" and I do sense those things... though I tend to be naive too, as I don't see myself as a threat or temptation to anyones moral integrity.
So I am really rambling and letting my thoughts work there way out. It feels neutral and safe inside of me at the moment so I will believe it is healthy. When I keep too much inside that is when things go off in unhealthy directions, when my head starts really getting screwed up, and when I really get stuck. So I will let this nonsense continue to flow and foolishly publish for the whole world to see because I know they won't anyway and I am allowed to be human, I am allowed to make mistakes, I am allowed to be me, and I am allowed to be free.
Dr. Perri is not allowed to be free and I am sad for him. I wish he would talk to me because I know he can still help me and I know that I could help him also. But that does not matter as I am allowed no influence there. That is a restriction that really bothers me. But it is. It is that restriction that seems to cause my brain to repeat some of the unhealthy patterns. But maybe it is that restriction that protects us both? I am open to that idea but I think it is wrong. It will take some convincing before I can believe it. I think it is wrong because it undermines me and the progress I have made. I think it is wrong because there are often exceptions to the rules and there are so many things that make this feel like an exception, but I don't like where my thoughts are going now, because it causes pain, so I will redirect.
hmmm... what were my original intentions. Oh yeah. Why did I break? Because I was already broken. because I was working so hard to hold broken pieces together when a lovely person who was also working to hold his broken pieces together bumped into me, or did I bump into him?.. I don't know, probably doesn't matter. But as broken pieces fell I think some of his broken pieces got mixed into mine as I tried to pick them up.
Poor man, he was so kind as he tried to help and to make sure I left with all my pieces, but in his startled rush he sent me off with some of his as well. I wonder if he realizes that he hasn't got all of his broken pieces now?
(This makes me laugh.
But still this story wants to keep going)
And though he tried to help me collect all of my pieces some of my pieces likely scattered into the nooks and crannies of his office where they are now lost from me forever.
His cleaning people will likely clean my pieces from his space and they will be out with the trash, forever forgotten by all but me.
I hope I will not need them. I feel like I do. But maybe I can put me back together with out them. Or maybe I will throw all my pieces out and start over.
I will not throw his pieces out though. I like the way they shine and I will keep them just in case he ever decides he needs/wants them back. It might be best to lock them out of sight and mind because I find their colors so mesmerizing and I wish to duplicate them when I cannot because I don't have the full formula. ...and as I think this I realize that because he does, he likely won't even need his pieces back... Oh what a lovely mystery he is. But I will keep them anyway, maybe to study and see if I can figure out the formula.
...But if I'd like to study them I suppose I will need to go to school and become a wizard myself and then I can pull these sorcerer's stones out when I have the correct wizarding guidance to study them; otherwise they may just cause me trouble.
...well now, that ended far more strangely than I expected. But it makes me laugh so there you go. I'll edit later... So who then am I posting for? I ask myself. I don't know, myself and anyone who cares to read me? why not just leave it unposted? umm.. because whats the fun in that? and besides the only way to truly fail is it never try, or to never put yourself out there in the first place.
and this is out there
I was going to come on here to say I think it is very likely that the head injury I suffered really is what has effected my mood stability so much. It took me a very long time to figure out how to stabilize my moods, how to utilize my neuroplasticity, and how to concurrently cope with the variety of other atypicals of my life, and over all I had reached a balance. It was maybe not the most healthy balance and there were definitely problems with the craftsmanship but I had at very least stabilized the major mood and insanity issues. Until I took another blow to the head.
It upset my stability. Knocked it out of balance again.
But this time, being older and wiser, having the luxury of a little more time on my hands, knowing the trials I had faced far too alone the first time and the major time, I was determined to put myself back to together with correctly guided professional help. So I sought out the best, which is more challenging than you realize when your brain is a mess and your emotions are out of whack. The very reason I needed good help are exact problems that make it challenging to find good help. But with some help, and exhausted determination (which means it takes more time) I found and continue to find good help. My vestibular therapist was amazing and I was seriously sad to leave her when it was time to be done. My chiropractor did such a good job with me and offered some emotional support so I likely stayed there too long but moved on easily, shutting that door when I realized this. But still they were the support I needed. I tried a few places that weren't a good fit. I had a few doctors that blew me off or just didn't want to be involved. Those likely contributed to my overlooking of symptoms, like my ankle that will actually require surgery if I ever hope to have it heal. Sometimes it was discouraging but I kept on looking as I knew I wasn't put back together right and I want to be. Along the way I was directed to not only a good psychologist but the best neuropsychologist in the area for head trauma related issues. Maybe I am bias, but I quickly saw how knowledgable he is and how good he really is at his job. He had the ability to help me; not only to help me put myself back together but to put myself together better then I had ever been. He was a dream come true, the reward to much effort, and the answer to many years of prayers. But something happened... I was too much and not enough at the same time. Too much crafted over too many years maybe, not enough obvious injury maybe? I am not sure. Yet I am sure I could ramble on and on about the endless possibilities and because I can do that I will likely hit on some truths along the way but I really would rather not. But something happened and I am not sure what or why.
So I am searching myself for answers and I am finding some repeat patterns. I am glad I have this forgotten blog to refer back to. It is helpful. Yet, I also know that I am very different. I have grown and matured a lot from some things I read while others I am still very much the same, but mostly I had become more of a balanced version of all of it, except that I maybe had lost a bit too much of my insanity. Or I had believed that I had. There are parts of me that I just need to embrace and accept better. I need to be okay with my perfectly imperfect self. Dr. Perri Cherie was teaching me that and how to, and constructively. Or at least that is what I thought. I was blocked and stubborn at times I am sure, but I also was protecting. Not me so much as him. I feel I am repeating myself now and am losing track of where I intended to go with my writing today... But I committed to letting it be whatever it turned out to be so if I am ruminating I suppose that is what needs to be, for a moment... And I will accept that so that I can move on. I am at times a slow processor but on that note, why would I be hard on myself for that when repetition and practice is how we learn? But repetition in the lonely brain is rumination and "counterproductive." Is it? Buddha says to question everything, and as one who often does I know that this can be exhausting and you then can become a black hole of knowledge. SO... This is why I crave talking to Perri Cherie so desperately. He had answers and he knew how to work with me and how to work me. Even if he was playing with me, I didn't mind because I like play and good things happen when we are allowed to play... But I never really thought or felt that he was playing with me in any way that was "inappropriate" or whatever and I still don't think it because I am "very intuitive" and I do sense those things... though I tend to be naive too, as I don't see myself as a threat or temptation to anyones moral integrity.
So I am really rambling and letting my thoughts work there way out. It feels neutral and safe inside of me at the moment so I will believe it is healthy. When I keep too much inside that is when things go off in unhealthy directions, when my head starts really getting screwed up, and when I really get stuck. So I will let this nonsense continue to flow and foolishly publish for the whole world to see because I know they won't anyway and I am allowed to be human, I am allowed to make mistakes, I am allowed to be me, and I am allowed to be free.
Dr. Perri is not allowed to be free and I am sad for him. I wish he would talk to me because I know he can still help me and I know that I could help him also. But that does not matter as I am allowed no influence there. That is a restriction that really bothers me. But it is. It is that restriction that seems to cause my brain to repeat some of the unhealthy patterns. But maybe it is that restriction that protects us both? I am open to that idea but I think it is wrong. It will take some convincing before I can believe it. I think it is wrong because it undermines me and the progress I have made. I think it is wrong because there are often exceptions to the rules and there are so many things that make this feel like an exception, but I don't like where my thoughts are going now, because it causes pain, so I will redirect.
hmmm... what were my original intentions. Oh yeah. Why did I break? Because I was already broken. because I was working so hard to hold broken pieces together when a lovely person who was also working to hold his broken pieces together bumped into me, or did I bump into him?.. I don't know, probably doesn't matter. But as broken pieces fell I think some of his broken pieces got mixed into mine as I tried to pick them up.
Poor man, he was so kind as he tried to help and to make sure I left with all my pieces, but in his startled rush he sent me off with some of his as well. I wonder if he realizes that he hasn't got all of his broken pieces now?
(This makes me laugh.
But still this story wants to keep going)
And though he tried to help me collect all of my pieces some of my pieces likely scattered into the nooks and crannies of his office where they are now lost from me forever.
His cleaning people will likely clean my pieces from his space and they will be out with the trash, forever forgotten by all but me.
I hope I will not need them. I feel like I do. But maybe I can put me back together with out them. Or maybe I will throw all my pieces out and start over.
I will not throw his pieces out though. I like the way they shine and I will keep them just in case he ever decides he needs/wants them back. It might be best to lock them out of sight and mind because I find their colors so mesmerizing and I wish to duplicate them when I cannot because I don't have the full formula. ...and as I think this I realize that because he does, he likely won't even need his pieces back... Oh what a lovely mystery he is. But I will keep them anyway, maybe to study and see if I can figure out the formula.
...But if I'd like to study them I suppose I will need to go to school and become a wizard myself and then I can pull these sorcerer's stones out when I have the correct wizarding guidance to study them; otherwise they may just cause me trouble.
...well now, that ended far more strangely than I expected. But it makes me laugh so there you go. I'll edit later... So who then am I posting for? I ask myself. I don't know, myself and anyone who cares to read me? why not just leave it unposted? umm.. because whats the fun in that? and besides the only way to truly fail is it never try, or to never put yourself out there in the first place.
and this is out there
Wednesday, December 12, 2018
Itally
12/13/18 12:32 am Italian time
Italy is a bit like me.
It is crowded, full of people and old ideas and new ideas.
It is new and scary but old and traditional.
It is full of roundabouts.
…So many roundabouts
It is plain but beautiful.
It has mountains of adventure and oceans of mystery.
It is fast moving but slow to evolve.
It's full of carefully crafted but not always intentionally crafted things
and naturally beautiful things.
It has passion and energy but feels calm and collected.
And all of this has to live cohesively in one small nation.
It is exciting to be here and scary at the same time but I feel calm and at home as I usually do when I love myself enough to let me be me.
It is hard to communicate but that is nothing new. People think and do things differently than I am used to but that is a reality for me no matter where I am. I am not afraid of the people here because I don’t understand them exactly and they don’t understand me.
It is easier here to see that for what it is.
It may cause some discomfort, and some people will not be open to helping or being friendly, but that is okay because it is hard. However with those who are friendly and do try to help it is so nice and such an awesome experience as we get to participate in humanity at it’s best:
Despite language barriers, cultural and even racial differences people can find a way to connect and share warmth and friendship with each other.
It is a beautiful thing and part of why I love to travel. While some parts are hard and intimidating -and sleep is definitely disrupted- it is such an incredible adventure that will open your heart and your mind to new and beautiful ways of being if you embrace it for all that it is and allow it to.
I love Italy already and I am very glad to be here.
It is the healing journey of independence after the one with friends that in many ways broke us.
Italy is a bit like me.
It is crowded, full of people and old ideas and new ideas.
It is new and scary but old and traditional.
It is full of roundabouts.
…So many roundabouts
It is plain but beautiful.
It has mountains of adventure and oceans of mystery.
It is fast moving but slow to evolve.
It's full of carefully crafted but not always intentionally crafted things
and naturally beautiful things.
It has passion and energy but feels calm and collected.
And all of this has to live cohesively in one small nation.
It is exciting to be here and scary at the same time but I feel calm and at home as I usually do when I love myself enough to let me be me.
It is hard to communicate but that is nothing new. People think and do things differently than I am used to but that is a reality for me no matter where I am. I am not afraid of the people here because I don’t understand them exactly and they don’t understand me.
It is easier here to see that for what it is.
It may cause some discomfort, and some people will not be open to helping or being friendly, but that is okay because it is hard. However with those who are friendly and do try to help it is so nice and such an awesome experience as we get to participate in humanity at it’s best:
Despite language barriers, cultural and even racial differences people can find a way to connect and share warmth and friendship with each other.
It is a beautiful thing and part of why I love to travel. While some parts are hard and intimidating -and sleep is definitely disrupted- it is such an incredible adventure that will open your heart and your mind to new and beautiful ways of being if you embrace it for all that it is and allow it to.
I love Italy already and I am very glad to be here.
It is the healing journey of independence after the one with friends that in many ways broke us.
Tuesday, December 11, 2018
I need to write this out, before we leave.
On Sept. 21st 2017, I was in a car accident. The timing was interesting, the scenario was interesting. But the most interesting part was being hit in the head by an airbag.
I remember seeing the lady that was about to crash into me much too late to do anything about it because my attention had been on a car that was moving faster than the others. That is where I felt a threat was coming from. but then oh, where the heck did that car come from. I still don't recall. I don't recall seeing her at the intersection. At least not communicating to me that she intended to go in a direction that threatened the safety of my crossing. But mostly I don't remember. As I saw her I knew "this is going to be bad" because I was gunning it in an Acura TL (they have awesome get up and go) and barely had time to get my foot halfway onto the break and I was fearing a side impact from the car that was coming at me faster then expected. Then every thing went black. Then I am stopped, by the other car and my face and arm hurt so bad and I am trying to understand where I am and what just happened. I see the other car I see my airbag, I hurt really bad, but I am okay. I am miraculously okay. I am shaking as I instinctively check to make sure we are out of harms way and I find my phone and dial 911. I am crying. Not a historical cry but a confused and disoriented crying. As I open the broken door and step out I feel so weird. Everything feels off and my right side feels taller than my left. I am limping but I don't know why because they only thing that really hurts is my face and my arm, and they hurt so bad I am sure that something is broken, I will lose teeth from it, and that I will be black and blue and look terrible for days. "Everything went black, but I did not go unconscious" I repeat to the police officer. I am an emotional mess. Disoriented and confused. the thread that had been holding my mental health together pulled out right down to the end.
I wish to report this beautifully and crafted with artistry but I lack time so I may skip and jump but there are important things here. I don't feel I have fully processed what happen and my Dr. Perri Cherrie (name changed to protect privacy) who understands this from the professional and psychological side, who could give me answers, is no longer available for me. We talked about this a little but I was slow to process and share and I likely have forgotten some of what I had shared.
But so many things I felt and experienced in the coming months were familiar. "I've been here before" "I've gone through this before" It made me realize how much the head injury from my youth had impacted me through my formidable teen years.
I remember feeling my brain rerouting as the sports medicine Dr. who works with concussions asked me questions. I remember black when he asked me to recall the words. I couldn't. With clues, I was able to retrieve them, but only because I had experience with this, I already knew tricks and there were times that my thoughts were even more clear, like how a person can walk on a broken leg or lift a car when there is danger and they must protect. I asked the first doctor I went to the day of the accident about concussion, I was confused disoriented and pathetic, and my head was my biggest concern I didn't want to lose any more brain power and stability. He pretty much blew me off and was more interested in my husbands thumb he had fixed the month before. He x-rayed my arm and shoulder and gave me eye drops, and said every thing looked good and that was they end of that. But even still my left wrist is weaker and will begin to shake if I hold it in certain positions or use it too much. It never did that before.
But my head was my biggest concern. The next day my husband texted his sister a picture of the car. She made comments back that hurt my feelings a bit but triggered an immature emotional reaction and feelings that I had worked through long ago. I had been brought back to an emotional place with my-sister-in-law that neither of us were in anymore. It took me a bit to realize it, and not before I am sure I did a bit of unintentional damage to the relationship first. "I've been here before."
I wrote as so much flooded back when Dr. Cherie caught me off guard with his expectation that I come in no more or at least not for a long time and only if I get "hung up" on something. In that writing I wrote about my 12 year old head injury and the mistakes that were made in my care and as I wrote I faced the feeling I have had but have not been able to express, the feeling that tells me that I didn't go completely unconscious in the car accident, because I had been there before, my body had learned and my instinct knew that I had to wake up quick because deep down inside I knew the only one looking out for me, the only one that could protect me, was me. I had to wake up, I had to be okay. That may have not been the best thing to do in terms of getting the help I need, but it is what is it and I may never know.
I will end here because I have to fly... Literally to Italy. No time to even edit but I'll do that later.
On Sept. 21st 2017, I was in a car accident. The timing was interesting, the scenario was interesting. But the most interesting part was being hit in the head by an airbag.
I remember seeing the lady that was about to crash into me much too late to do anything about it because my attention had been on a car that was moving faster than the others. That is where I felt a threat was coming from. but then oh, where the heck did that car come from. I still don't recall. I don't recall seeing her at the intersection. At least not communicating to me that she intended to go in a direction that threatened the safety of my crossing. But mostly I don't remember. As I saw her I knew "this is going to be bad" because I was gunning it in an Acura TL (they have awesome get up and go) and barely had time to get my foot halfway onto the break and I was fearing a side impact from the car that was coming at me faster then expected. Then every thing went black. Then I am stopped, by the other car and my face and arm hurt so bad and I am trying to understand where I am and what just happened. I see the other car I see my airbag, I hurt really bad, but I am okay. I am miraculously okay. I am shaking as I instinctively check to make sure we are out of harms way and I find my phone and dial 911. I am crying. Not a historical cry but a confused and disoriented crying. As I open the broken door and step out I feel so weird. Everything feels off and my right side feels taller than my left. I am limping but I don't know why because they only thing that really hurts is my face and my arm, and they hurt so bad I am sure that something is broken, I will lose teeth from it, and that I will be black and blue and look terrible for days. "Everything went black, but I did not go unconscious" I repeat to the police officer. I am an emotional mess. Disoriented and confused. the thread that had been holding my mental health together pulled out right down to the end.
I wish to report this beautifully and crafted with artistry but I lack time so I may skip and jump but there are important things here. I don't feel I have fully processed what happen and my Dr. Perri Cherrie (name changed to protect privacy) who understands this from the professional and psychological side, who could give me answers, is no longer available for me. We talked about this a little but I was slow to process and share and I likely have forgotten some of what I had shared.
But so many things I felt and experienced in the coming months were familiar. "I've been here before" "I've gone through this before" It made me realize how much the head injury from my youth had impacted me through my formidable teen years.
I remember feeling my brain rerouting as the sports medicine Dr. who works with concussions asked me questions. I remember black when he asked me to recall the words. I couldn't. With clues, I was able to retrieve them, but only because I had experience with this, I already knew tricks and there were times that my thoughts were even more clear, like how a person can walk on a broken leg or lift a car when there is danger and they must protect. I asked the first doctor I went to the day of the accident about concussion, I was confused disoriented and pathetic, and my head was my biggest concern I didn't want to lose any more brain power and stability. He pretty much blew me off and was more interested in my husbands thumb he had fixed the month before. He x-rayed my arm and shoulder and gave me eye drops, and said every thing looked good and that was they end of that. But even still my left wrist is weaker and will begin to shake if I hold it in certain positions or use it too much. It never did that before.
But my head was my biggest concern. The next day my husband texted his sister a picture of the car. She made comments back that hurt my feelings a bit but triggered an immature emotional reaction and feelings that I had worked through long ago. I had been brought back to an emotional place with my-sister-in-law that neither of us were in anymore. It took me a bit to realize it, and not before I am sure I did a bit of unintentional damage to the relationship first. "I've been here before."
I wrote as so much flooded back when Dr. Cherie caught me off guard with his expectation that I come in no more or at least not for a long time and only if I get "hung up" on something. In that writing I wrote about my 12 year old head injury and the mistakes that were made in my care and as I wrote I faced the feeling I have had but have not been able to express, the feeling that tells me that I didn't go completely unconscious in the car accident, because I had been there before, my body had learned and my instinct knew that I had to wake up quick because deep down inside I knew the only one looking out for me, the only one that could protect me, was me. I had to wake up, I had to be okay. That may have not been the best thing to do in terms of getting the help I need, but it is what is it and I may never know.
I will end here because I have to fly... Literally to Italy. No time to even edit but I'll do that later.
Monday, December 10, 2018
Where to Begin... Again and Again
Published elsewhere on 10/10/18
So I find myself going in some silly circles or something like that... actually it is more like starting down paths then shying away and ducking into the trees or an ally way to avoid seeing the people I have been walking with turn and walk away. ...And yet I am aware that for every person that has turned [their] back there is (likely), at least, one other that figured I had; and they gave up waiting for me as I hid in the trees or ally way fearful that their rest or deviation meant they were turning their back. It's silly, I know, but it is.
... there is so much more going into our actions then we ever fully know. It is so easy to make assumptions about other peoples actions but those assumptions are based on our own interpretations which our based on our experiences, not theirs. And it goes both ways.
Sometimes being aware can be difficult. I suppose that is why they say "ignorance is bliss."
Yet, while I could philosophically ramble on for ever -I'm sure-, I would like this rambling to help me work through, what seems to be, some mental blocks so I can get back on the track I feel so compelled to be on.
Writing often helps. and strangely enough, publishing these pointless ramblings also tends to help me. I think it is something like talking through your feelings, only I am talking them through with myself in a place that feels safe, people can take or leave it without me seeing their reactions and I can speak with that hope of actually hitting a cord with someone; reaching another person that relates and/or feels helped, inspired or enlightened in someway. The internet is interesting in that way, it connects us while taking us away from people. I think that is why we need to be especially careful with it... but that is a rambling for someone else or some other time.
Today I'd like to focus my work-through-it rambles on why it is so hard to start something that has so much potential, is needed, has been well received in conversations and could really help so many people? Why is it so difficult to get myself organized and my thoughts put down on paper? again, there are so many reasons for that... but one thing I feel that continues to trip me up is not my lack of confidence in myself but others lack of confidence in me. As I try to write, put things together, move forward, etc. I think of how I can prove what I am doing how I can help those people see that it is not me they need to have confidence in but the idea that they had very warmly and excitedly received. I think how I can change what I need to change about the idea, myself or whatever it is to improve both myself and the project I am passionate about. Because I value other people I have to acknowledge that there is a reason for their lack of confidence in me but the irony of this is this often leads me to hide in those trees or duck in those ally ways as I subconsciously try to protect the scars I feel are not fully healed ...and thus justify their lack of confidence further perpetuating my short comings. And I get stuck.
Partly because I don't actually know -and I know that I don't really know- where I, or the idea's of the project, went wrong. Then communication looks something like this: I am afraid to ask and in the event that I do people are often afraid to answer honestly and they either say "it's not you, it's me" or in one such event "it's all you." Obviously neither are entirely true, neither are very helpful from a professional stand point, and, I suppose, I am still short on professionalism because I am not entirely sure how to handle these situations and I do take it somewhat personally, even when I think I don't.
If I take me and my shortcomings out of the equation, or if I were my friend and not myself I might point out that we live in a culture where you are largely expected to be "self-made." Also people have been conditioned to stick with what is safe and avoid taking risks. I might also point out that people are so busy and they have so much going on, [which is part of/contributors to problems I am trying to solve] so I need to keep going and know that it is not personal. I might also point out to my friend self that some of the exact problems I am facing are part of why there is such a need for what I am trying to do.
So maybe it is okay to step back. to take a new approach and to start again knowing that this may be the time I get it right or it may not. but what matters most is that I know, in myself, what I am trying to do is true to what I value.
And I value people, whether or not I feel they value me, because, at least from my stuck, I have learned that my feelings may just be my perception of the truth
...and even if it is someone else's truth (that I am of little value), that matters very little because, quite frankly, they are wrong. :)
... there is so much more going into our actions then we ever fully know. It is so easy to make assumptions about other peoples actions but those assumptions are based on our own interpretations which our based on our experiences, not theirs. And it goes both ways.
Sometimes being aware can be difficult. I suppose that is why they say "ignorance is bliss."
Yet, while I could philosophically ramble on for ever -I'm sure-, I would like this rambling to help me work through, what seems to be, some mental blocks so I can get back on the track I feel so compelled to be on.
Writing often helps. and strangely enough, publishing these pointless ramblings also tends to help me. I think it is something like talking through your feelings, only I am talking them through with myself in a place that feels safe, people can take or leave it without me seeing their reactions and I can speak with that hope of actually hitting a cord with someone; reaching another person that relates and/or feels helped, inspired or enlightened in someway. The internet is interesting in that way, it connects us while taking us away from people. I think that is why we need to be especially careful with it... but that is a rambling for someone else or some other time.
Today I'd like to focus my work-through-it rambles on why it is so hard to start something that has so much potential, is needed, has been well received in conversations and could really help so many people? Why is it so difficult to get myself organized and my thoughts put down on paper? again, there are so many reasons for that... but one thing I feel that continues to trip me up is not my lack of confidence in myself but others lack of confidence in me. As I try to write, put things together, move forward, etc. I think of how I can prove what I am doing how I can help those people see that it is not me they need to have confidence in but the idea that they had very warmly and excitedly received. I think how I can change what I need to change about the idea, myself or whatever it is to improve both myself and the project I am passionate about. Because I value other people I have to acknowledge that there is a reason for their lack of confidence in me but the irony of this is this often leads me to hide in those trees or duck in those ally ways as I subconsciously try to protect the scars I feel are not fully healed ...and thus justify their lack of confidence further perpetuating my short comings. And I get stuck.
Partly because I don't actually know -and I know that I don't really know- where I, or the idea's of the project, went wrong. Then communication looks something like this: I am afraid to ask and in the event that I do people are often afraid to answer honestly and they either say "it's not you, it's me" or in one such event "it's all you." Obviously neither are entirely true, neither are very helpful from a professional stand point, and, I suppose, I am still short on professionalism because I am not entirely sure how to handle these situations and I do take it somewhat personally, even when I think I don't.
If I take me and my shortcomings out of the equation, or if I were my friend and not myself I might point out that we live in a culture where you are largely expected to be "self-made." Also people have been conditioned to stick with what is safe and avoid taking risks. I might also point out that people are so busy and they have so much going on, [which is part of/contributors to problems I am trying to solve] so I need to keep going and know that it is not personal. I might also point out to my friend self that some of the exact problems I am facing are part of why there is such a need for what I am trying to do.
So maybe it is okay to step back. to take a new approach and to start again knowing that this may be the time I get it right or it may not. but what matters most is that I know, in myself, what I am trying to do is true to what I value.
And I value people, whether or not I feel they value me, because, at least from my stuck, I have learned that my feelings may just be my perception of the truth
...and even if it is someone else's truth (that I am of little value), that matters very little because, quite frankly, they are wrong. :)
Sunday, December 9, 2018
Fires and flowers.
This is hard... I forgot to leave myself the 20% reserve today... I forgot or just had too much to do.
Over all it was an amazing day. I got to teach my daughters friend how to snowboard. I got to comfort her through a tear-filled melt down when she got frustrated with how hard it was and was putting too much pressure on herself to live up to her dad's percieved expectations. Then I even had the privilege of opening the door for a bonding moment with her dad by having a talk with him about what were realistic expectations in this new learning experience. Her dad was great. I was pleased with the outcome and that I had the privilege of being involved.
Then on my way out I somehow got talking with a coworker who opened up about some similar issues. She was intrigued by how I had embraced my insanity. I admitted to her that up until very recently I thought I didn't really have a laugh. My laugh had been missing for so long I thought I genuinely didn't have one. Not that I never laughed but it was just a silent inside kind of laugh that was easily missed. We talked about anxiety and we bonded and though I had plenty to get home for it was a very good place to be and it felt good to have that bonding moment and once again be thanked for my insight. There was plenty more in the day, but those were major highlights.
And then to top it all off we got to go to my parents for dinner...
But I had spent over 80% of my energy... well over,
and I started to unravel a bit, far too early into the evening and I found myself awkwardly fighting back tears for no apparent reason at all while passively participating in pleasantries with my husband and my parents.
How do I phase out what is reminding me to take care of myself? It is so hard sometimes. And it hurts. I am sure I will cycle through this a few times before I make it out okay
but tonight I am wondering why I reacted so extremely to the breakup my therapist said I should have seen coming. Why do I feel he was careless with me? I am so sad that I have to let him go and that I am no longer allowed to utilize him when I know he has answers and knowledge I am missing. When I know he can help if he would. I am so sad that he will not be my... anything.
I feel sorry for "overreacting" or what ever I did wrong to mess this up.
I am sure it is for the best if he says so and truly I don't want to be a complication or liability to him... ...but maybe I do. and maybe he is wrong.
It just doesn't feel fair.
and I don't feel up to grieving this lose right now.
But as my thoughts try to turn to my old ways of tough love and negative self take for being so pathetic, I am now consciously making the decision "ta not ta;" not to put myself down for feeling down and once again confused by this. So I will keep my pathetic self pity here in print and embrace that for what it is too... a sadness and grieving that I have every right to feel and even to express. I won't wallow in it and I'll get some sleep and get it turned around again, but I believe it is okay to feel the sad and to allow myself to hurt. And I think it is okay for me to be patient with myself. It is not easy to separate the fires... and it hurts, which is not terribly surprising since fire is hot and separating them will inevitably lead to a few burn scars.
"Your mind is a garden
Where you decide which ideas to grow
and which thoughts to weed out."
What to do when your therapist dumps you
This a snippet from my report of my own self discovery, I wrote it as an outward reflection in hopes of someday helping others if they ever find themselves in a similar situation.
I read a few articles that were extremely helpful for me, but there were very few, so I decided to publish this here as a way to pay it forward, to connect with my values today, and to honor both myself and my therapist I'd like to pass this info on sooner rather that later ...because I know how painful it can be and if I can help to relieve any suffering I am happy to. I'd like no one to go through these feelings alone, because you are not alone and you are loved more than you know.
6:56am
If your therapist dumps you and you liked them at all, even the smallest at all, then you need to realize that means they are at least good at wearing their mirrored therapist mask and it was you that you were seeing and liking. I hope that you can feel empowered by that. Now no sugar coating but; Yep, your screwed up, and yes, you have things to work on, But you have also seen a version of you that you can connect with, that you liked and that you can even love.
You liked you, not just your therapist.
You are worth liking and even loving. By accepting that part of you and all parts of you and then by choosing to be teachable, you can reach the best version of you; that version of you that you have hope of obtaining (I know you have that hope, and even the ability, or you would not have gone to therapy in the first place -and you would not be reading this at all).
No matter what reason he/she abandoned, rejected, or dumbed you it doesn’t really matter and no matter what he/she tells you, you will never be satisfied with their answer if you did not feel prepared for it, or if it caught you off guard.
But you can find comfort in knowing and trusting -if you liked them at all, even in the tiniest way- that:
1. you do like/love yourself and you can, - your even allowed to,
2. the therapist is good at their job even if they make mistakes, and
3. it proves two things;
a. you are worth loving and
b. your therapist has more faith in you than you know and they know you will be okay.
So choose to be okay and find a new therapist going in with an open heart and an open mind, agreeing to be teachable and knowing that you can change and you are on the right track, or that you can succeed, become a better you, be happy, manage your symptoms or whatever it is you are looking to get out of therapy. You can do it and you are worth it.
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