I need to write this out, before we leave.
On Sept. 21st 2017, I was in a car accident. The timing was interesting, the scenario was interesting. But the most interesting part was being hit in the head by an airbag.
I remember seeing the lady that was about to crash into me much too late to do anything about it because my attention had been on a car that was moving faster than the others. That is where I felt a threat was coming from. but then oh, where the heck did that car come from. I still don't recall. I don't recall seeing her at the intersection. At least not communicating to me that she intended to go in a direction that threatened the safety of my crossing. But mostly I don't remember. As I saw her I knew "this is going to be bad" because I was gunning it in an Acura TL (they have awesome get up and go) and barely had time to get my foot halfway onto the break and I was fearing a side impact from the car that was coming at me faster then expected. Then every thing went black. Then I am stopped, by the other car and my face and arm hurt so bad and I am trying to understand where I am and what just happened. I see the other car I see my airbag, I hurt really bad, but I am okay. I am miraculously okay. I am shaking as I instinctively check to make sure we are out of harms way and I find my phone and dial 911. I am crying. Not a historical cry but a confused and disoriented crying. As I open the broken door and step out I feel so weird. Everything feels off and my right side feels taller than my left. I am limping but I don't know why because they only thing that really hurts is my face and my arm, and they hurt so bad I am sure that something is broken, I will lose teeth from it, and that I will be black and blue and look terrible for days. "Everything went black, but I did not go unconscious" I repeat to the police officer. I am an emotional mess. Disoriented and confused. the thread that had been holding my mental health together pulled out right down to the end.
I wish to report this beautifully and crafted with artistry but I lack time so I may skip and jump but there are important things here. I don't feel I have fully processed what happen and my Dr. Perri Cherrie (name changed to protect privacy) who understands this from the professional and psychological side, who could give me answers, is no longer available for me. We talked about this a little but I was slow to process and share and I likely have forgotten some of what I had shared.
But so many things I felt and experienced in the coming months were familiar. "I've been here before" "I've gone through this before" It made me realize how much the head injury from my youth had impacted me through my formidable teen years.
I remember feeling my brain rerouting as the sports medicine Dr. who works with concussions asked me questions. I remember black when he asked me to recall the words. I couldn't. With clues, I was able to retrieve them, but only because I had experience with this, I already knew tricks and there were times that my thoughts were even more clear, like how a person can walk on a broken leg or lift a car when there is danger and they must protect. I asked the first doctor I went to the day of the accident about concussion, I was confused disoriented and pathetic, and my head was my biggest concern I didn't want to lose any more brain power and stability. He pretty much blew me off and was more interested in my husbands thumb he had fixed the month before. He x-rayed my arm and shoulder and gave me eye drops, and said every thing looked good and that was they end of that. But even still my left wrist is weaker and will begin to shake if I hold it in certain positions or use it too much. It never did that before.
But my head was my biggest concern. The next day my husband texted his sister a picture of the car. She made comments back that hurt my feelings a bit but triggered an immature emotional reaction and feelings that I had worked through long ago. I had been brought back to an emotional place with my-sister-in-law that neither of us were in anymore. It took me a bit to realize it, and not before I am sure I did a bit of unintentional damage to the relationship first. "I've been here before."
I wrote as so much flooded back when Dr. Cherie caught me off guard with his expectation that I come in no more or at least not for a long time and only if I get "hung up" on something. In that writing I wrote about my 12 year old head injury and the mistakes that were made in my care and as I wrote I faced the feeling I have had but have not been able to express, the feeling that tells me that I didn't go completely unconscious in the car accident, because I had been there before, my body had learned and my instinct knew that I had to wake up quick because deep down inside I knew the only one looking out for me, the only one that could protect me, was me. I had to wake up, I had to be okay. That may have not been the best thing to do in terms of getting the help I need, but it is what is it and I may never know.
I will end here because I have to fly... Literally to Italy. No time to even edit but I'll do that later.