The worst lie:
“I would always want to protect you...”
No, you would not. You did not when it was your job to. You used me.
Right now I need protecting that I would not have needed if you had actually had my best interest in mind, if you actually cared, wanted, or tried to protect me.
It was a lie
an A manipulation
solid evidence of your lies.
And the words haunt me and sting harsh again, in this moment that I need protection.
...which makes me think of my two last physical stings from the flying yellow and black creatures that sting. Both within the last two years, both turned into cellulitis and I had to take medications to stop the severe overreaction from spreading... My body reacted too extreme...
This seems a familiar theme.
The stings that turn into life threatening infections...
from the deceptive creatures who do not love me.
Friday, December 27, 2019
Thursday, December 26, 2019
Favorite Quotes of the moment
"You lose a leg or a kidney, you're still you, but you lose a part of your brain -literally, lose your mind - and who are you then?"
-Lori Gottlieb
"She is not herself. You have no idea what she is fighting."
- The character Finn in Star Wars: the Rise of Skywalker.
-Lori Gottlieb
"She is not herself. You have no idea what she is fighting."
- The character Finn in Star Wars: the Rise of Skywalker.
Monday, December 23, 2019
A long day
EEG and MRI results turned into a long day.
Kids coming was a definite positive.
Now, mostly, I need to go to bed.
But I just have to say
Turns out
By Brain really is a fascinating place!
So fascinating that the day ended (I just returned home) with yet another brain scan.
And this is all so funny to me.
HA HA HA HA HA
and that is all I will say about that.
Goodnight.
Kids coming was a definite positive.
Now, mostly, I need to go to bed.
But I just have to say
Turns out
By Brain really is a fascinating place!
So fascinating that the day ended (I just returned home) with yet another brain scan.
And this is all so funny to me.
HA HA HA HA HA
and that is all I will say about that.
Goodnight.
"Try not to think about what might have been..."
Dr. She tells me I present very well, but regardless she says "at the moment they felt you were stalking they should have had you admitted."
And I have to say I full heartedly agree with that, because that would have been back in January as there is sufficient evidence in medical records and email that this was being suggested by the Institutionees even back that far.
If that had happened I would likely have tried to convince them that I did not need to go... but maybe I would not have. Either way, the mere suggestion of it would have sent me into a strange fit that would not have been deniable and made clear that I needed the added care and observation.
Had I been hospitalized/institutionalized at that point the providers at whatever facility would have seen the varying degrees and the bizarre rapid cycling mood instability I was experiencing. I most certainly would have then been put on the mood stabilizer that Dr. Concussion saw and acknowledged I needed but avoided providing due to her conversation with Dr. He and the proceeding labeling of me as a Liability.
I would have received the care I needed and the stupid romantic transference-countertransference feedings would have ended then and there.
But alas, it is far too complex -Or is it diabolical?- in that they were, or he was, not actually concerned about me stalking but was rather trying to build that image of me. The concern about it was not actually there, rather it was their attempts to build a case against me...
Conspiracy theory?
Unfortunately it is not. and even if it had merely been their attempts to make me appear to be a stalker that they had me admitted for it would have been a good move for me, because I desperately needed that kind/level of care, assessment, evaluation, observation and medication.
This really is the reality the evidence suggests. So many questions beg to be answered like, did they keep me untreated on purpose, not have me admitted because that could potentially work against them in the mistakes that had been made? I would not think so and actually I know so, because it would have been so much better to get the help then and to reconcile.... Unless of course they were the frauds it appears they may be... and so it goes, reality meets insanity and who is really crazy here? Because the truth is I was not stalking, I was there seeking help. I was trying to understand what was going on with my head while trying to protect Dr. He the way he had manipulated or conditioned me too and because I really did genuinely care for him.
I have wondered about that, if it was genuine or the product of manipulation.
Dr. She answered this question for me when I asked how it was that my heart physically hurt for the entire time between the appointment Dr. P dropped me and when I finally got back to him two weeks later. I wanted to know how it was that just seeing him and when I was with him those last two appointments my heart had settled and did not hurt, but would continue to again (though to a lesser degree) after I left He. Dr. She said it is because I genuinely cared for him.... and I know this it true... because, stupidly even still, I still do. Even though he deserves it not at all and even though I have to turn him in because there is a chance he is a master manipulator who plays with his patients regularly AND because I am worth standing up for. I am worth being heard and respected and -now this is leading into a post I have been meaning to write- it is reckless and scary that they would deny mania and mess with me the way they did. There is or are many things very wrong with how I was handled and THAT is why I cannot just let it go. They are medical providers that behaved incredibly irresponsibly, carelessly and recklessly and even if I really truly am an isolated incident, I deserve to have this addressed and actions and records corrected appropriately on my behalf. They cannot deny mania, that is morally, ethically, occupationally, and medically wrong and it was very dangerous and irresponsible.
Not going to edit yet, actually time to get going.
Good Morning.
ps- the majority of my post titles are meant to be humorous. They at least make me laugh in spite of some not so funny stuff they address.
And I have to say I full heartedly agree with that, because that would have been back in January as there is sufficient evidence in medical records and email that this was being suggested by the Institutionees even back that far.
If that had happened I would likely have tried to convince them that I did not need to go... but maybe I would not have. Either way, the mere suggestion of it would have sent me into a strange fit that would not have been deniable and made clear that I needed the added care and observation.
Had I been hospitalized/institutionalized at that point the providers at whatever facility would have seen the varying degrees and the bizarre rapid cycling mood instability I was experiencing. I most certainly would have then been put on the mood stabilizer that Dr. Concussion saw and acknowledged I needed but avoided providing due to her conversation with Dr. He and the proceeding labeling of me as a Liability.
I would have received the care I needed and the stupid romantic transference-countertransference feedings would have ended then and there.
But alas, it is far too complex -Or is it diabolical?- in that they were, or he was, not actually concerned about me stalking but was rather trying to build that image of me. The concern about it was not actually there, rather it was their attempts to build a case against me...
Conspiracy theory?
Unfortunately it is not. and even if it had merely been their attempts to make me appear to be a stalker that they had me admitted for it would have been a good move for me, because I desperately needed that kind/level of care, assessment, evaluation, observation and medication.
This really is the reality the evidence suggests. So many questions beg to be answered like, did they keep me untreated on purpose, not have me admitted because that could potentially work against them in the mistakes that had been made? I would not think so and actually I know so, because it would have been so much better to get the help then and to reconcile.... Unless of course they were the frauds it appears they may be... and so it goes, reality meets insanity and who is really crazy here? Because the truth is I was not stalking, I was there seeking help. I was trying to understand what was going on with my head while trying to protect Dr. He the way he had manipulated or conditioned me too and because I really did genuinely care for him.
I have wondered about that, if it was genuine or the product of manipulation.
Dr. She answered this question for me when I asked how it was that my heart physically hurt for the entire time between the appointment Dr. P dropped me and when I finally got back to him two weeks later. I wanted to know how it was that just seeing him and when I was with him those last two appointments my heart had settled and did not hurt, but would continue to again (though to a lesser degree) after I left He. Dr. She said it is because I genuinely cared for him.... and I know this it true... because, stupidly even still, I still do. Even though he deserves it not at all and even though I have to turn him in because there is a chance he is a master manipulator who plays with his patients regularly AND because I am worth standing up for. I am worth being heard and respected and -now this is leading into a post I have been meaning to write- it is reckless and scary that they would deny mania and mess with me the way they did. There is or are many things very wrong with how I was handled and THAT is why I cannot just let it go. They are medical providers that behaved incredibly irresponsibly, carelessly and recklessly and even if I really truly am an isolated incident, I deserve to have this addressed and actions and records corrected appropriately on my behalf. They cannot deny mania, that is morally, ethically, occupationally, and medically wrong and it was very dangerous and irresponsible.
Not going to edit yet, actually time to get going.
Good Morning.
ps- the majority of my post titles are meant to be humorous. They at least make me laugh in spite of some not so funny stuff they address.
many hands make light work
Sleep deprived? Definitely. Though at the moment, aside from the occasional yawn, I am not feeling it.
I opted to sleep in the extra bedroom so as not to keep my husband up, especially since he went to bed not feeling too well. He thought he was just overly tired. However, not sleeping myself, I could hear him across the hall not sleeping well at all. I decided to head to my bed knowing that I often sleep better when he is by my side. He had been sick. He is sick now.
He is hot and cold, sweating while cold to touch, tossing and turning and he has now had to escape to the bathroom 3 times to wretch his insides out.
It is very unpleasant for him and I hate that I am powerless.
As I listen to him hurling in the bathroom I am reminded of when I had my daughter. I remember how I only puked three days; the day when I found out I was pregnant, the day I found out she was a girl and the day I had her. All three for various reasons that were probably not so much morning sickness. In fact the day I had her it was because I had been induced with an induction that was too hard and too fast. I had been induced after having labor stopped about 2 weeks prior, because she was too small.
And the story is very fascinating really, as my stories so often are. For example, I didn't know I was in labor, couldn't feel the contractions until after they had medicated me to stop them. It was only caught because I was measuring too small, too small despite the fact that I had gained about twice what is considered "healthy pregnancy weight gain," but it was okay because my almost 5'7" athletic frame started the pregnancy at about 103 lbs. Induced because her heart rate dropped while being monitored, it turned out her umbilical cord was too short, and yet she still scored a perfect 10 on the Apgar. The first or one of very few the midwife had ever given. She was shocked considering. So basically after my daughter had the heart stopping thrill of bungee-ing out of me she scored a 10 on the Apgar. That's just how we role in this family.
Those are just a touch of the peculiarities of my pregnancy I was reminded of as I am listen to my poor husband puking his guts out the way I did 6 times that first night I found out I was pregnant when he was out of town. And as I think of this and my mind then wanders on to so many details of our life together, our children, etc, I am struck by just how little we ever get to share or know of the back stories that are so very influential to our lives.
Back stories; we know so little of each other.
And another story I want to share, as I am attempting to achieve that sleep deprived feeling -but I think it best to post is as it's own post.
Which may make these posts appear to be evolving into magnificent mania and surely this is mimicking the start, but so far I am not feeling the push back or high feelings so hopefully after EEG is completed and the systems are medicated again we will not cross over. (we being all of the me's ... and I am reminded of: "but my personality is still changing too much" I pleaded the day he dropped me unexpectedly).
I opted to sleep in the extra bedroom so as not to keep my husband up, especially since he went to bed not feeling too well. He thought he was just overly tired. However, not sleeping myself, I could hear him across the hall not sleeping well at all. I decided to head to my bed knowing that I often sleep better when he is by my side. He had been sick. He is sick now.
He is hot and cold, sweating while cold to touch, tossing and turning and he has now had to escape to the bathroom 3 times to wretch his insides out.
It is very unpleasant for him and I hate that I am powerless.
As I listen to him hurling in the bathroom I am reminded of when I had my daughter. I remember how I only puked three days; the day when I found out I was pregnant, the day I found out she was a girl and the day I had her. All three for various reasons that were probably not so much morning sickness. In fact the day I had her it was because I had been induced with an induction that was too hard and too fast. I had been induced after having labor stopped about 2 weeks prior, because she was too small.
And the story is very fascinating really, as my stories so often are. For example, I didn't know I was in labor, couldn't feel the contractions until after they had medicated me to stop them. It was only caught because I was measuring too small, too small despite the fact that I had gained about twice what is considered "healthy pregnancy weight gain," but it was okay because my almost 5'7" athletic frame started the pregnancy at about 103 lbs. Induced because her heart rate dropped while being monitored, it turned out her umbilical cord was too short, and yet she still scored a perfect 10 on the Apgar. The first or one of very few the midwife had ever given. She was shocked considering. So basically after my daughter had the heart stopping thrill of bungee-ing out of me she scored a 10 on the Apgar. That's just how we role in this family.
Those are just a touch of the peculiarities of my pregnancy I was reminded of as I am listen to my poor husband puking his guts out the way I did 6 times that first night I found out I was pregnant when he was out of town. And as I think of this and my mind then wanders on to so many details of our life together, our children, etc, I am struck by just how little we ever get to share or know of the back stories that are so very influential to our lives.
Back stories; we know so little of each other.
And another story I want to share, as I am attempting to achieve that sleep deprived feeling -but I think it best to post is as it's own post.
Which may make these posts appear to be evolving into magnificent mania and surely this is mimicking the start, but so far I am not feeling the push back or high feelings so hopefully after EEG is completed and the systems are medicated again we will not cross over. (we being all of the me's ... and I am reminded of: "but my personality is still changing too much" I pleaded the day he dropped me unexpectedly).
Bright eyed and bushy tailed ...at 3am
Sleep deprived
I will definitely be that.
My daughter is who I am having come with
to be sure I can safely make the long drive (she is a driver now so she can take over if I can not)
and be the extra set of ears.
She loves biology and is thinking about going into medicine.
Seemed like an okay choice
But I am not sleeping.
I have a bit
-a bit-
but my whole right leg is hurting
since physical therapy on Friday
that triggered a pretty severe pain in the appendix region... that still hurts
and my right leg feels week and sore.
my back
the part that has the bulging disc has been acting up
and it is a bit sore but not like the appendix region
maybe it is appendicitis ?
I am tired. I feel even a bit nauseous
is it appendicitis or is it tired?
my brain is bothered
it seems like he knew stuff about this and the possible tie to head injury
He who broke me and worried only about saving himself?
Why head, why?
The repeat starts
of words and phrases, feelings and figurings...
What was real? what was perceived?
But I know, as I have a million times, but wanted to deny to myself and everyone,
that he had played with me... when he should not have.
Grooming of some form or another
the fire he played in and then tried to let die...
Intentional? Accidental?
Was I the first or the last in a long line of many? Somewhere in between?
He played
"don't try to solve this"
"I told you not to try and solve this"
"I have tested your brain in ways you don't even know"
"What we have had is a beautiful thing and I would not want to fuck that up"
"I don't need more friends"
"I meant everything that I said"
.... repeats
that started right away
-my fight or flight-
the natural reaction to a threat
...a threat
punished for loving
the threat?
and I am
so delicately balanced.
my whole right leg is weak
Maybe I should text my dad. he rises early. he could take me
my children should not have to shoulder this burden
this burden that I am
but my dad...
My family
they do not understand and they do not want to.
they want to maintain there illusions that doctors are...
godlike?
Dr She, literally my hero, because without her intervention... I can't say where I would be
...faded and fading when I got to her.
Dr. She is not a fan of Dr. He
I understand why now.
At first when I went to her I still loved him in a silly childish and manic fed way. I still held onto what I wanted to believe: that he meant no harm, he made mistakes, and if only I could clarify and fix my mistakes he would come to his senses and fix, or -at very least- play fair.
Dr. She does not care about his motives they way I do. She cares about how it has effected me. Dr. She may or may not think I am worth standing up for and fighting for, but she does her job and feels responsibility for my safety and wellbeing... she says he is an idiot and at best was negligent at worst was malicious.
Dr. She wants me to be able to look back on Dr. He and roll my eyes.
She lets me talk about him still, when I need to, because I am making progress in processing and handling the trauma
and I am being responsible.
Talking to her is not "governing myself accordingly" based on the commands of the Institute's lawyer, because they do not want me talking to his colleagues.
Their demands and commands are not right. They are unjust and unconstitutional and their accusations false.
Delicately balanced it is
Reckless endangerment.
Viktor Frankl is who I become now
Not literally, but figuratively
or rather like him
in that to survive this incredibly delicate balancing act
-of psychology, really-
I observe myself and my psychology with the mind of a scientist.
a slight form of detachment probably
when I am so very attached
and I remember that earlier today
I like me even if others do not
and I have people that are supportive and that are looking out for me in their own playing-it-safe kind of ways.
I am loved and I am appreciated
...even if, at times, it is only by myself and God.
I like me
because I am tenacious
and forgiving
I try
I make mistakes
I take responsibility for my mistakes
I love
I play
I find and make adventures
I have met some of the most amazing and incredible people and I am so very lucky to have and to have had the acquaintances I have.
Life is a beautiful thing
and I love it and appreciate it
even when I don't -a place that I am so grateful I am no longer in.
So delicate balance for a day.
might make a mess of the holidays
but I'll recover
and find my adventures again.
...now
I sure hope that I will at least feel as sleep deprived as I will be at 10am
Goodnight again
... though I doubt I'll sleep
I am WIDE awake
hopefully ibuprofen will relax things enough..
ha
literally the lol variety-
a ha-ol
... big yawn as I proof read
-this is hope :)
goodnight
I will definitely be that.
My daughter is who I am having come with
to be sure I can safely make the long drive (she is a driver now so she can take over if I can not)
and be the extra set of ears.
She loves biology and is thinking about going into medicine.
Seemed like an okay choice
But I am not sleeping.
I have a bit
-a bit-
but my whole right leg is hurting
since physical therapy on Friday
that triggered a pretty severe pain in the appendix region... that still hurts
and my right leg feels week and sore.
my back
the part that has the bulging disc has been acting up
and it is a bit sore but not like the appendix region
maybe it is appendicitis ?
I am tired. I feel even a bit nauseous
is it appendicitis or is it tired?
my brain is bothered
it seems like he knew stuff about this and the possible tie to head injury
He who broke me and worried only about saving himself?
Why head, why?
The repeat starts
of words and phrases, feelings and figurings...
What was real? what was perceived?
But I know, as I have a million times, but wanted to deny to myself and everyone,
that he had played with me... when he should not have.
Grooming of some form or another
the fire he played in and then tried to let die...
Intentional? Accidental?
Was I the first or the last in a long line of many? Somewhere in between?
He played
"don't try to solve this"
"I told you not to try and solve this"
"I have tested your brain in ways you don't even know"
"What we have had is a beautiful thing and I would not want to fuck that up"
"I don't need more friends"
"I meant everything that I said"
.... repeats
that started right away
-my fight or flight-
the natural reaction to a threat
...a threat
punished for loving
the threat?
and I am
so delicately balanced.
my whole right leg is weak
Maybe I should text my dad. he rises early. he could take me
my children should not have to shoulder this burden
this burden that I am
but my dad...
My family
they do not understand and they do not want to.
they want to maintain there illusions that doctors are...
godlike?
Dr She, literally my hero, because without her intervention... I can't say where I would be
...faded and fading when I got to her.
Dr. She is not a fan of Dr. He
I understand why now.
At first when I went to her I still loved him in a silly childish and manic fed way. I still held onto what I wanted to believe: that he meant no harm, he made mistakes, and if only I could clarify and fix my mistakes he would come to his senses and fix, or -at very least- play fair.
Dr. She does not care about his motives they way I do. She cares about how it has effected me. Dr. She may or may not think I am worth standing up for and fighting for, but she does her job and feels responsibility for my safety and wellbeing... she says he is an idiot and at best was negligent at worst was malicious.
Dr. She wants me to be able to look back on Dr. He and roll my eyes.
She lets me talk about him still, when I need to, because I am making progress in processing and handling the trauma
and I am being responsible.
Talking to her is not "governing myself accordingly" based on the commands of the Institute's lawyer, because they do not want me talking to his colleagues.
Their demands and commands are not right. They are unjust and unconstitutional and their accusations false.
Delicately balanced it is
Reckless endangerment.
Viktor Frankl is who I become now
Not literally, but figuratively
or rather like him
in that to survive this incredibly delicate balancing act
-of psychology, really-
I observe myself and my psychology with the mind of a scientist.
a slight form of detachment probably
when I am so very attached
and I remember that earlier today
I like me even if others do not
and I have people that are supportive and that are looking out for me in their own playing-it-safe kind of ways.
I am loved and I am appreciated
...even if, at times, it is only by myself and God.
I like me
because I am tenacious
and forgiving
I try
I make mistakes
I take responsibility for my mistakes
I love
I play
I find and make adventures
I have met some of the most amazing and incredible people and I am so very lucky to have and to have had the acquaintances I have.
Life is a beautiful thing
and I love it and appreciate it
even when I don't -a place that I am so grateful I am no longer in.
So delicate balance for a day.
might make a mess of the holidays
but I'll recover
and find my adventures again.
...now
I sure hope that I will at least feel as sleep deprived as I will be at 10am
Goodnight again
... though I doubt I'll sleep
I am WIDE awake
hopefully ibuprofen will relax things enough..
ha
literally the lol variety-
a ha-ol
... big yawn as I proof read
-this is hope :)
goodnight
Sleep deprived, EEG, what adventure shall we see?? ...what me will I be?
Since I now have medical providers that actually give a shit and listen I go in for an EEG tomorrow. The neurologist, Dr. Odd, that I finally got into wants to see if he can find anything that would explain the tremors. The tremors that Concussion doctor ignored... or rather suggested I see a neurologist for but did not refer, ultimately claiming I should have the wrist orthopedic surgeon who first suggested it refer. I bring this up again because it was an inappropriate way for the Concussion doctor who had asked to be my primary care for anything car accident related and head injury related. I bring this up again because it annoys the hell out of me how some people I know and the Neuroscience Institute want to blow me off and brush me off and act like it was: a. that I did and/or are doing something wrong and/or b: I find myself having to defend myself to people who don't want to take the time to think about or understand what happened and why it is a big deal.
...I think I am not so bitter until I start to write, than I realize I am and I am also very angry. But you would not know this in observing my everydayness. You would not know this because I continually choose not to be, and so I am mostly not. However, there is obviously some deep resentment, because it sure comes out here.
So back on track
I have an EEG tomorrow morning at 10:00am and I am supposed to arrive sleep deprived. The instructions are very specific in their instructions to "go to bed and midnight and get up at 4:00am."
.... meds?
that was my question for Dr. Odd after the office lady went over the sheet of instructions with me.
I know if I take my new meds at the regular scheduled time I will not be able to stay awake until midnight. If I take them later then I will have an extremely difficult time getting up in the morning... I'll have an extremely difficult time getting up at 4 am if I take the new meds at all...
So, what do I do?
They kind of left it up to me.
Maybe don't take the meds.. I think that may have been the suggestion.
... that is what I have opted for so far.
And
This has made me nervous.
I find myself being extra busy tonight and even extra productive.
I think I am much more nervous about this idea of messing with meds much more than I care to admit to myself.
I am only slightly tired and, as you can see, it is after midnight.
...and when I say slightly tired that might be an exaggeration.
I am kind of scared as hell at the moment.
I have been so much enjoying the levelness I have been experiencing on medication and the recent upping has been working out very well. I still am a bit triggered as evidenced in my last post but I recover quickly and am even gaining some confidence in myself, starting to care less about the people who want to blame and shame and don't want to understand. I am able to be my happy self with out the overly chemically too high feelings. I still have some residual mental messes to undue from too many months of fantasy feeding by the forbidders that made me taboo (as manifested in my initial digression in this post) but I am managing that much better and progress is now real.
So I am leery and nervous. I am not sure how best to handle and medicate.
I am curious too.
So my plan is, don't take the meds tonight (or rather last night since tomorrow is now today) so that I will not fall asleep too soon and so I will be able to wake up early enough. That way I will certainly be sleep deprived... except that I have noticed that with out the meds I don't really feel tired and considering the sleep chaos of this last year that started with the denied mania of November of last year, I feel very nervous about this lack of tiredness without medication. And honestly, I am scared. I am scared I might undue the stability, I might mess up a good thing with how the mood stabilizing medication has been working...
But alas, writing it out is assisting in some fatigue so I will retire to bed now to stay as close to the prescribed directions as I can. ... I'll even wait to edit until tomorrow.
It will be very interesting to see how this adventure plays out.
Good night.
...I think I am not so bitter until I start to write, than I realize I am and I am also very angry. But you would not know this in observing my everydayness. You would not know this because I continually choose not to be, and so I am mostly not. However, there is obviously some deep resentment, because it sure comes out here.
So back on track
I have an EEG tomorrow morning at 10:00am and I am supposed to arrive sleep deprived. The instructions are very specific in their instructions to "go to bed and midnight and get up at 4:00am."
.... meds?
that was my question for Dr. Odd after the office lady went over the sheet of instructions with me.
I know if I take my new meds at the regular scheduled time I will not be able to stay awake until midnight. If I take them later then I will have an extremely difficult time getting up in the morning... I'll have an extremely difficult time getting up at 4 am if I take the new meds at all...
So, what do I do?
They kind of left it up to me.
Maybe don't take the meds.. I think that may have been the suggestion.
... that is what I have opted for so far.
And
This has made me nervous.
I find myself being extra busy tonight and even extra productive.
I think I am much more nervous about this idea of messing with meds much more than I care to admit to myself.
I am only slightly tired and, as you can see, it is after midnight.
...and when I say slightly tired that might be an exaggeration.
I am kind of scared as hell at the moment.
I have been so much enjoying the levelness I have been experiencing on medication and the recent upping has been working out very well. I still am a bit triggered as evidenced in my last post but I recover quickly and am even gaining some confidence in myself, starting to care less about the people who want to blame and shame and don't want to understand. I am able to be my happy self with out the overly chemically too high feelings. I still have some residual mental messes to undue from too many months of fantasy feeding by the forbidders that made me taboo (as manifested in my initial digression in this post) but I am managing that much better and progress is now real.
So I am leery and nervous. I am not sure how best to handle and medicate.
I am curious too.
So my plan is, don't take the meds tonight (or rather last night since tomorrow is now today) so that I will not fall asleep too soon and so I will be able to wake up early enough. That way I will certainly be sleep deprived... except that I have noticed that with out the meds I don't really feel tired and considering the sleep chaos of this last year that started with the denied mania of November of last year, I feel very nervous about this lack of tiredness without medication. And honestly, I am scared. I am scared I might undue the stability, I might mess up a good thing with how the mood stabilizing medication has been working...
But alas, writing it out is assisting in some fatigue so I will retire to bed now to stay as close to the prescribed directions as I can. ... I'll even wait to edit until tomorrow.
It will be very interesting to see how this adventure plays out.
Good night.
Wednesday, December 18, 2019
pain in the...
I wish I was more okay than I am. I wish I was at least as okay as I appear to be most of the time. I wish my confidence was not so shot.
I am not fueled by revenge and and "stick it to them" attitude. It would be very helpful right now if I were. But instead I am more inclined to believe them and then I feel pretty shitty about me since I have learned from many thems that I am not worth standing up for or helping, and I am a "pain in the ass."
The "not worth standing up for" bit bothers me as this is the message I seem to be receiving. As long as my motives are about others, and not me, then it is okay for me to stand up and speak out, but even if it is agreed that I was "wronged" and treated poorly, too often the expectation is that I should just accept that and forget about it. Doesn't matter who or why or even that these were medical providers that should know and behave better and were morally, legally, ethically, and occupationally supposed to protect me and look out for my best interest. Doesn't matter how this has and continues to effect the treatment I receive from others including these friends and loved ones who are inclined and conditioned to highly value and trust the experts (just as I was and had). Nope, it does not matter if it is about standing up for me or about fixing and resolving things for me. It somehow has to be about and for others. I am supposed to allow them to mistreat me. I am supposed to forget about it and move on, because it is just about me.
I feel angry about that.
I feel jealous of others who have friends and family who say, "that is not okay," and rally and defend. Mine say, "you were wronged, we care about you, you are not alone, now be quiet about it and get over it."
That is not entirely the message and not from the entire family but the majority.
This confession, to many, will simply prove that I must not be worth it. So I hope you understand why people in general might succumb to such messages of worthlessness.
However, I hope it will also be considered that maybe it is ties like this that have contributed to the problem with the providers.
I am an easy target.
On paper I am the prime target for grooming
and/or an easy casualty to write off and forget about.
And to me, that makes this situation of mine so much more wrong
And I find myself wanting to explode and lash out and at least do something to deserve the labels, stigmas, misconceptions, defamations, slanders, and write offs.
"If you can't beat them join them" comes to mind
and "going down in a blaze of glory"
I feel
therefore I am?
FUCK YOU JP AND YOUR MARIONETTES
FUCK YOU FRIENDS AND FAMILY WHO ROLE YOUR EYES AND SAY ONE THING BUT DO SOMETHING ELSE
AND WHO CALL ME A PAIN IN THE ASS.
Jaded
loosing my nice
and becoming jaded
sometimes it feels as though nothing really matters
And if I am not worth standing up for than I should at least get the most out of my insanity and show them just how much of a pain in the ass I have not been, but can be.
...yet I know that lashing out generally only hurts the ones that have actually been there, that have loved and supported as best they can. Lashing out hurts the ones we love most...
so I'll contain it to here
on this blog
and hope this will, once again, relieve the pressure that builds
...yet I know that lashing out generally only hurts the ones that have actually been there, that have loved and supported as best they can. Lashing out hurts the ones we love most...
so I'll contain it to here
on this blog
and hope this will, once again, relieve the pressure that builds
 |
| "Duality" -Punished for being exposed and vulnerable, this lady confounds the educated but is understood by a child. |
Wednesday, December 11, 2019
bored and getting boring... but still won't burn out
Appointment with Dr. She today.
I tell her I think it is good we upped the meds. I did not even cry (just got a bit teary eyed) at my daughters performances.
But I also feel a bit bored or boring now.
Dr. She is not surprised. She talks about the highs and the processing abilities that can come with bipolar. She tells me how it feels and when it is exhilarating, and how people can be a bit addicted to it. She tells me that is why so many people go off meds. Dr. She seems to understand it so well and describes it so well that I find myself wondering if she is bipolar herself, if she has been manic too. But I don't ask. I'm not entirely sure why. I think I have before and as she explains further she seems to know this from her experience working with people like me.
I remember conversations with my brother-in-law about this too...
and I remember a year ago, after my last recorded appointment with Dr. P -for the record I had another after that but he said he would not charge me and somehow got it off the records- but I remember the appointment where I was as high as a kite in mania, but managing because I have experience and I was believing the email where Dr. P said I was not. But I was high, high, high, and quite childish and I don't know how he could have possibly missed that entirely... But back to my point, somehow Dr. P had a drug like effect and just meeting with him helped to calm the mania, though it did not cure it entirely; just enough though, that I remember substitute teaching in a second grade class a day or two later and feeling bored with it... Even 30 second graders was boring. ...
and hmmm... now as I reframe my thinking, of course they were boring, not because I was level but because I was not. I was still too high, but at least level enough not to do anything rash about the boringness of it all.
That was a different boring; now the real boring starts. I will be a boring person again on medication and even though Dr. She has a lot of experience with people intentionally going back to the excitement, that will not be me. It is too painful and difficult to manage so I am grateful for boring.
Now I can really decide what to do with my life and my time. And that is at least exciting....
though I am really very gun-shy.
Dr. She asks why and she is surprised that I say I am very insecure because she thinks I exude confidence and security. It seems to be a common misconception about me. Maybe I over compensate, or maybe, even though I am insecure, I am still just who I am and not very interested in being not who I am, which just might be what confuses people?
I don't know.
But I think I will work on not being so insecure.
We talked about Dr. P again. I wanted clarification on why Dr. She does not want me to believe Dr. He's boundary violations had anything to do with me. I think she wants me to believe that I am not special or something like that. It was all just him, I was irrelevant. She is a bit confused by my questioning, because she does not understand my insecurity, the invisible that I was when I so desperately needed to be seen, I needed to be special -but really I didn't, I just needed to be seen, heard, and helped.
Dr. She and I do a brief awkward communication dance until we make sense of each other. I was misunderstanding, she wants me to understand that it was not me, I am not to blame for his mistakes. She tells me he held all the cards, it is something that is always hard for me to accept, but I am understanding better and I know how accurate that really is.
I tell her it frustrates me that I still feel an attachment and it does not make sense especially considering how he has handled it, but she is not surprised. She points out, "but that is what you do, you love people." and I do. She tells me that I don't need to love everyone and/or something about discerning better who deserves to be loved.
I tell her, "everyone deserves to be loved."
She tells me, "that is true, but they don't all deserve to be loved by you."
This turns into a funny communication dance and she laughs when I say, "but Jesus says love everyone, and treat them kindly too."
I am not entirely sure how we ended that conversation but I believe it was a good natured, though unspoken, agree to disagree kind of move on.
I ask her opinion. She thinks Dr. P is an idiot. At best he was negligent, at worst malicious. ... lately it feels malicious... Some things have always hinted that way, but I don't say it out loud. She reminds me that she is not so concerned about his motives, she is concerned with the effects. She is concerned with the harm he caused and she wants me to understand that he did cause harm. He did. Not me, him.
She wants me to understand that it was traumatic and that is the only reason she is okay with me ruminating on his motives. She acknowledges that I am improving so that hopefully makes my bringing it up again more bearable for her. She understands the trauma, she can explain it to me and I understand. She explains that I did not do anything that was not within the scope of what would or could be expected. She is not surprised by how my body reacted to the circumstances. She is not surprised by how it has effected me. She is not surprised by the way it still effects me. She speculates he maybe "just didn't care" when I ask "but how could he not know it could not possibly end well for me with the things he said and especially under the circumstances?" ...Right now it does not pierce my heart nearly as sharp to hear that he maybe "just didn't care."
She sees that I return to the concern about motives when I feel misunderstood and even blamed or shamed by others. She explains that she has had many patients who have been harmed by malpractice and they share similar misunderstood blaming and shaming by friends and family members. She says it is too scary and too far outside of peoples comfort zone to accept that the doctors and medical professionals we so highly trust and value so very much could make mistakes and cause harm. She tells me about a lady whose surgeon had left a sponge in her brain and she shared almost identical feelings about how people treated her as if it were somehow her fault. I was surprised and yet also sadly not. But it definitely helped me feel better; my situation is at least less obvious so it is understandable and yet also it would be harder for me to see these reactions to me as their problem and their insecurities and not mine.
It is sad how we re-victimize people and I wonder if that is what Dr. Concussion was up to? She may really be the one who should be held accountable for the very unnecessary suffering of not being medically treated when I was in fact manic and then fading and she just kept trying to pass the buck without providing adequate or appropriate assistance with that. Acting as if she were treating and/or willing to help but then not.
The games.
It is so bizarre to me, the games they played with me. I am not a liability, I am not a toy, and I am not a buck to be passed. I am human and I deserve to be treated as such, regardless of if the provider believes in forever anymore or if they don't want to be bothered.
I tell her I think it is good we upped the meds. I did not even cry (just got a bit teary eyed) at my daughters performances.
But I also feel a bit bored or boring now.
Dr. She is not surprised. She talks about the highs and the processing abilities that can come with bipolar. She tells me how it feels and when it is exhilarating, and how people can be a bit addicted to it. She tells me that is why so many people go off meds. Dr. She seems to understand it so well and describes it so well that I find myself wondering if she is bipolar herself, if she has been manic too. But I don't ask. I'm not entirely sure why. I think I have before and as she explains further she seems to know this from her experience working with people like me.
I remember conversations with my brother-in-law about this too...
and I remember a year ago, after my last recorded appointment with Dr. P -for the record I had another after that but he said he would not charge me and somehow got it off the records- but I remember the appointment where I was as high as a kite in mania, but managing because I have experience and I was believing the email where Dr. P said I was not. But I was high, high, high, and quite childish and I don't know how he could have possibly missed that entirely... But back to my point, somehow Dr. P had a drug like effect and just meeting with him helped to calm the mania, though it did not cure it entirely; just enough though, that I remember substitute teaching in a second grade class a day or two later and feeling bored with it... Even 30 second graders was boring. ...
and hmmm... now as I reframe my thinking, of course they were boring, not because I was level but because I was not. I was still too high, but at least level enough not to do anything rash about the boringness of it all.
That was a different boring; now the real boring starts. I will be a boring person again on medication and even though Dr. She has a lot of experience with people intentionally going back to the excitement, that will not be me. It is too painful and difficult to manage so I am grateful for boring.
Now I can really decide what to do with my life and my time. And that is at least exciting....
though I am really very gun-shy.
Dr. She asks why and she is surprised that I say I am very insecure because she thinks I exude confidence and security. It seems to be a common misconception about me. Maybe I over compensate, or maybe, even though I am insecure, I am still just who I am and not very interested in being not who I am, which just might be what confuses people?
I don't know.
But I think I will work on not being so insecure.
We talked about Dr. P again. I wanted clarification on why Dr. She does not want me to believe Dr. He's boundary violations had anything to do with me. I think she wants me to believe that I am not special or something like that. It was all just him, I was irrelevant. She is a bit confused by my questioning, because she does not understand my insecurity, the invisible that I was when I so desperately needed to be seen, I needed to be special -but really I didn't, I just needed to be seen, heard, and helped.
Dr. She and I do a brief awkward communication dance until we make sense of each other. I was misunderstanding, she wants me to understand that it was not me, I am not to blame for his mistakes. She tells me he held all the cards, it is something that is always hard for me to accept, but I am understanding better and I know how accurate that really is.
I tell her it frustrates me that I still feel an attachment and it does not make sense especially considering how he has handled it, but she is not surprised. She points out, "but that is what you do, you love people." and I do. She tells me that I don't need to love everyone and/or something about discerning better who deserves to be loved.
I tell her, "everyone deserves to be loved."
She tells me, "that is true, but they don't all deserve to be loved by you."
This turns into a funny communication dance and she laughs when I say, "but Jesus says love everyone, and treat them kindly too."
I am not entirely sure how we ended that conversation but I believe it was a good natured, though unspoken, agree to disagree kind of move on.
I ask her opinion. She thinks Dr. P is an idiot. At best he was negligent, at worst malicious. ... lately it feels malicious... Some things have always hinted that way, but I don't say it out loud. She reminds me that she is not so concerned about his motives, she is concerned with the effects. She is concerned with the harm he caused and she wants me to understand that he did cause harm. He did. Not me, him.
She wants me to understand that it was traumatic and that is the only reason she is okay with me ruminating on his motives. She acknowledges that I am improving so that hopefully makes my bringing it up again more bearable for her. She understands the trauma, she can explain it to me and I understand. She explains that I did not do anything that was not within the scope of what would or could be expected. She is not surprised by how my body reacted to the circumstances. She is not surprised by how it has effected me. She is not surprised by the way it still effects me. She speculates he maybe "just didn't care" when I ask "but how could he not know it could not possibly end well for me with the things he said and especially under the circumstances?" ...Right now it does not pierce my heart nearly as sharp to hear that he maybe "just didn't care."
She sees that I return to the concern about motives when I feel misunderstood and even blamed or shamed by others. She explains that she has had many patients who have been harmed by malpractice and they share similar misunderstood blaming and shaming by friends and family members. She says it is too scary and too far outside of peoples comfort zone to accept that the doctors and medical professionals we so highly trust and value so very much could make mistakes and cause harm. She tells me about a lady whose surgeon had left a sponge in her brain and she shared almost identical feelings about how people treated her as if it were somehow her fault. I was surprised and yet also sadly not. But it definitely helped me feel better; my situation is at least less obvious so it is understandable and yet also it would be harder for me to see these reactions to me as their problem and their insecurities and not mine.
It is sad how we re-victimize people and I wonder if that is what Dr. Concussion was up to? She may really be the one who should be held accountable for the very unnecessary suffering of not being medically treated when I was in fact manic and then fading and she just kept trying to pass the buck without providing adequate or appropriate assistance with that. Acting as if she were treating and/or willing to help but then not.
The games.
It is so bizarre to me, the games they played with me. I am not a liability, I am not a toy, and I am not a buck to be passed. I am human and I deserve to be treated as such, regardless of if the provider believes in forever anymore or if they don't want to be bothered.
Friday, December 6, 2019
Dr. Odd
I was able to get into a neurologist yesterday. He was a bit eccentric? Maybe odd? But he was very knowledgable and though he was a bit older he seemed very up to date on research etc.
He kind of suggested that most of the TBI treatments and medical care are a bit of a sham and/or a scam. He specifically named one I have mentioned without mentioning here on the blog, a facility that does FMRI's and makes a lot of claims about them. I am not terribly surprised by this. His statements match my impressions from when looked into them myself.
In trying to explain why I was there it was hard to explain what was going on and for how long, who really thought I needed to see a neurologist and why and even why I was not referred to a neurologist sooner.
He tells me the Neuroscience Institute's role is basically to decide when I should go back to work. Now remember Concussion Dr. was the one who had asked to be the overseeing physician over head injury and car accident related stuff. Since the last conversation I had with her about work was "we need to get you stable" but she then proceeded with trying to pass me off to others without a "proper referral" considering the condition I was in (I am told) I am confused by exactly what I should and am capable of. Now I know that sounds silly because they do not get to decide what I am and am not capable of and obviously they are not all that intelligent when it comes to me, but it still weighs on me and confuses my brain and heart because they are supposed to be the experts and I respected and trusted them as such ...even when it was clear, at least it would have been to a stabile fully rational brain, that I could not trust them and my best interest or even my interest at all was far for their concern. They really did not give a shit about me and they literally would have rather I faded away into the depths of bipolar despair that few escape without medical and psychological interventions.
But let's now circle back to Dr. Odd (the neurologist, I'd call him Dr. Eccentric but Odd is so much easier to type.)
As we discuss, he explains things to me:
1st: "the hipocratic oath is dead," he says... clearly this is true and it is very sad.
2nd: they teach a lot about avoiding relationships in med schools and psychology programs. They tell them never do this and avoid these types etc. and he emphasis how much it is emphasized to the point that it becomes frustratingly evident that we, the patients, are dehumanized quite a bit in their training and practice.
3rd: They teach a lot about transference and countertransference and they teach to avoid it like the plaque but there is very little, and with Dr. Odd's training it seems like no, training on what to do in the event it does happen. Thus the general consensus across the board seems to be "dispose of them" and do it quickly and completely, and don't look back.
This is very very wrong to me. It seems archaic and brutish and I am so shocked that these highly intelligent humanitarians could be so barbaric and immature in their reasoning and treatment of people. And as I have seen so many patterns like this on so many levels within our societies and culture it seems to me that we have not come nearly as far as we think in our humanity.
Dr. Odd also tells me about patients he said no to, that he told he could not treat -because they were too loose and/or seductive in appearance and/or personality. I feel annoyed with his comments about this because I am not and was not that type of person and yet I am being punished as if I had been.
And here I will chastise myself for that statement because even those ladies should not be mistreated, blamed, shamed, vilified and denied treatment (the way I was) if these elites of medicine and psychology are as elite as they say they are.
And now it becomes evident how far we have NOT come in the way we shame women and let men off...
Here I could take this now a million directions but I think I will throw a curve ball in:
I do wonder if I get along so well and relate easily to men because, in a way I relate to the massive amounts of self control men must have to self-regulate and behave accordingly in spite of their overwhelming sex drive. While for them it may be a sexual thing for me it is not so much. I relate to that when manic yes, but on average the raging sex hormones are not so much a problem for me but my duality is a bit more pronounced and obvious due to TBI and I have had to work very hard to manage that duality in order to be responsible, respectful, and a whole lot of other things. Now almost every girl has to learn to deal with the hormonal cycle that can cause greater intensity or emotions, so I am not unique there but my imbalances were definitely magnified and as a teen my duality was more pronounced. In comparison men, especially when they are teens have to work very hard to manage that lustful drive. Frequently they will be physically aroused and have to let it die without acting. Yet the world being what it is they can feed and indulge in all kinds of materials that will feed, magnify or easily warp that drive. They have to be diligent in there efforts to direct that drive constructively and be respectful to others boundaries.
My boundaries look different, and that may be both appealing and confusing, and I wonder if maybe there is something to that that makes friendships with men very easy and natural for me.
I don't know. It's a curve ball being thrown from a unstable pitcher, so who knows if it comes even close to hitting a target I have been so turned around and upside down by things this last year I am not even sure what the targets are anymore.
Back to Dr. Odd. He was Odd and has been 86ed from a bar (this is new term to me) and thinks that compares to being 86ed from a medical facility of the proclaimed specialist that really did have a responsibility and obligation to me. We both know it is not the same but at least he sympathizes with me and helps me understand just how broken and messed up the systems really are. And at least he can explain the ringing in my left ear and he is not downplaying or minimizing the tremors (and other issues) and he wants to do some test to see if we can better figure them out.
sighh
He kind of suggested that most of the TBI treatments and medical care are a bit of a sham and/or a scam. He specifically named one I have mentioned without mentioning here on the blog, a facility that does FMRI's and makes a lot of claims about them. I am not terribly surprised by this. His statements match my impressions from when looked into them myself.
In trying to explain why I was there it was hard to explain what was going on and for how long, who really thought I needed to see a neurologist and why and even why I was not referred to a neurologist sooner.
He tells me the Neuroscience Institute's role is basically to decide when I should go back to work. Now remember Concussion Dr. was the one who had asked to be the overseeing physician over head injury and car accident related stuff. Since the last conversation I had with her about work was "we need to get you stable" but she then proceeded with trying to pass me off to others without a "proper referral" considering the condition I was in (I am told) I am confused by exactly what I should and am capable of. Now I know that sounds silly because they do not get to decide what I am and am not capable of and obviously they are not all that intelligent when it comes to me, but it still weighs on me and confuses my brain and heart because they are supposed to be the experts and I respected and trusted them as such ...even when it was clear, at least it would have been to a stabile fully rational brain, that I could not trust them and my best interest or even my interest at all was far for their concern. They really did not give a shit about me and they literally would have rather I faded away into the depths of bipolar despair that few escape without medical and psychological interventions.
But let's now circle back to Dr. Odd (the neurologist, I'd call him Dr. Eccentric but Odd is so much easier to type.)
As we discuss, he explains things to me:
1st: "the hipocratic oath is dead," he says... clearly this is true and it is very sad.
2nd: they teach a lot about avoiding relationships in med schools and psychology programs. They tell them never do this and avoid these types etc. and he emphasis how much it is emphasized to the point that it becomes frustratingly evident that we, the patients, are dehumanized quite a bit in their training and practice.
3rd: They teach a lot about transference and countertransference and they teach to avoid it like the plaque but there is very little, and with Dr. Odd's training it seems like no, training on what to do in the event it does happen. Thus the general consensus across the board seems to be "dispose of them" and do it quickly and completely, and don't look back.
This is very very wrong to me. It seems archaic and brutish and I am so shocked that these highly intelligent humanitarians could be so barbaric and immature in their reasoning and treatment of people. And as I have seen so many patterns like this on so many levels within our societies and culture it seems to me that we have not come nearly as far as we think in our humanity.
Dr. Odd also tells me about patients he said no to, that he told he could not treat -because they were too loose and/or seductive in appearance and/or personality. I feel annoyed with his comments about this because I am not and was not that type of person and yet I am being punished as if I had been.
And here I will chastise myself for that statement because even those ladies should not be mistreated, blamed, shamed, vilified and denied treatment (the way I was) if these elites of medicine and psychology are as elite as they say they are.
And now it becomes evident how far we have NOT come in the way we shame women and let men off...
Here I could take this now a million directions but I think I will throw a curve ball in:
I do wonder if I get along so well and relate easily to men because, in a way I relate to the massive amounts of self control men must have to self-regulate and behave accordingly in spite of their overwhelming sex drive. While for them it may be a sexual thing for me it is not so much. I relate to that when manic yes, but on average the raging sex hormones are not so much a problem for me but my duality is a bit more pronounced and obvious due to TBI and I have had to work very hard to manage that duality in order to be responsible, respectful, and a whole lot of other things. Now almost every girl has to learn to deal with the hormonal cycle that can cause greater intensity or emotions, so I am not unique there but my imbalances were definitely magnified and as a teen my duality was more pronounced. In comparison men, especially when they are teens have to work very hard to manage that lustful drive. Frequently they will be physically aroused and have to let it die without acting. Yet the world being what it is they can feed and indulge in all kinds of materials that will feed, magnify or easily warp that drive. They have to be diligent in there efforts to direct that drive constructively and be respectful to others boundaries.
My boundaries look different, and that may be both appealing and confusing, and I wonder if maybe there is something to that that makes friendships with men very easy and natural for me.
I don't know. It's a curve ball being thrown from a unstable pitcher, so who knows if it comes even close to hitting a target I have been so turned around and upside down by things this last year I am not even sure what the targets are anymore.
Back to Dr. Odd. He was Odd and has been 86ed from a bar (this is new term to me) and thinks that compares to being 86ed from a medical facility of the proclaimed specialist that really did have a responsibility and obligation to me. We both know it is not the same but at least he sympathizes with me and helps me understand just how broken and messed up the systems really are. And at least he can explain the ringing in my left ear and he is not downplaying or minimizing the tremors (and other issues) and he wants to do some test to see if we can better figure them out.
sighh
Tuesday, December 3, 2019
Hold on tight, It's going to be a bumpy ride.
If I get tired my emotions get steep. If I am feeling well and happy my emotions get steep.
Sometimes I just feel "normal" (which is how I know there really is such a thing) and that is nice.
But I can feel tired and too high, immensely happy and tragically sad at the same time. I am certain everyone can feel these things, but I am also certain that I feel them too intensely.
Last night we watched a new show "Good Omens" (or something like that) and I enjoyed it. But then later I find my mind taking me places that I am not sure are safe. Conspiracies, messages, signs, symbols, omens...
and I cry as I realize just how delicately balanced upon the threshold of "crazy" I really am.
The crying helps release some sort of toxins as I once again diligently strive to stay "sane."
and big sigh...
What am I?
I am intelligent yet delicately balanced.
My daughter says that fragile things are more valuable and they become more valuable with time because not as many survive. She tells me this so that I know it is okay that I am fragile, she still loves me and values me.
And that is so very nice to remember right now.
So I am fragile
and yet incredibly tough...
or is it determined?
or tenacious?
Whatever.
I just needed to release and confess my balance with insanity that is kind of getting to me right now
because I am still stabilizing and I wonder how long it will take and I wonder if I ever really will be "stable" again and maybe I even wonder if I ever really was... But the insanity of me is definitely more intense and the adjustment and learning to accept it as part of me is difficult. Also, what lays before me? What is going to happen to me? How will I handle the tragedies that are sure to come?
I am sacred.
Today I wonder if we once again need to up the meds? A thing I always hate since there is greater risk of negative side effects and I hate that I need them anyway... I want to be okay with out them. Yet I am so immensely grateful for modern medicine and that we have them at all. I can't even begin to imagine where I would be without them.
At points in my life I used to cry every time I saw a dead animal on the road. And this was in my adult life. A phase that I am fairly certain I went through more than once and that lasted much longer than you would think.
another big sigh.
I am like a baby sometimes
and that is one of the things brain injury does to people; makes us much more infantile and childlike.
So Good night -no, day-, sleep tight. -No -wake up and hold on tight.
the end.
and blogging still helps.
aaahhhh, my new drug of choice
Good Day friends.
Sometimes I just feel "normal" (which is how I know there really is such a thing) and that is nice.
But I can feel tired and too high, immensely happy and tragically sad at the same time. I am certain everyone can feel these things, but I am also certain that I feel them too intensely.
Last night we watched a new show "Good Omens" (or something like that) and I enjoyed it. But then later I find my mind taking me places that I am not sure are safe. Conspiracies, messages, signs, symbols, omens...
and I cry as I realize just how delicately balanced upon the threshold of "crazy" I really am.
The crying helps release some sort of toxins as I once again diligently strive to stay "sane."
and big sigh...
What am I?
I am intelligent yet delicately balanced.
My daughter says that fragile things are more valuable and they become more valuable with time because not as many survive. She tells me this so that I know it is okay that I am fragile, she still loves me and values me.
And that is so very nice to remember right now.
So I am fragile
and yet incredibly tough...
or is it determined?
or tenacious?
Whatever.
I just needed to release and confess my balance with insanity that is kind of getting to me right now
because I am still stabilizing and I wonder how long it will take and I wonder if I ever really will be "stable" again and maybe I even wonder if I ever really was... But the insanity of me is definitely more intense and the adjustment and learning to accept it as part of me is difficult. Also, what lays before me? What is going to happen to me? How will I handle the tragedies that are sure to come?
I am sacred.
Today I wonder if we once again need to up the meds? A thing I always hate since there is greater risk of negative side effects and I hate that I need them anyway... I want to be okay with out them. Yet I am so immensely grateful for modern medicine and that we have them at all. I can't even begin to imagine where I would be without them.
At points in my life I used to cry every time I saw a dead animal on the road. And this was in my adult life. A phase that I am fairly certain I went through more than once and that lasted much longer than you would think.
another big sigh.
I am like a baby sometimes
and that is one of the things brain injury does to people; makes us much more infantile and childlike.
So Good night -no, day-, sleep tight. -No -wake up and hold on tight.
the end.
and blogging still helps.
aaahhhh, my new drug of choice
Good Day friends.
Sunday, December 1, 2019
Nailed it Cont...
...Sometimes, as a nail I won't hold, and I refuse to be part of the project the hammer is trying to beat me into.
...And sometimes I am also a hammer and I need to be. Hitting the target for an intended purpose that is not entirely my own.
So Hammer or Nail
I hope whichever I am when I am, I am working with the Carpenter of Higher Purpose.
...And sometimes I am also a hammer and I need to be. Hitting the target for an intended purpose that is not entirely my own.
So Hammer or Nail
I hope whichever I am when I am, I am working with the Carpenter of Higher Purpose.
Saturday, November 30, 2019
Nailed It
“I’d rather be a hammer than a nail” say Simon and Garfunkel.
And I wonder, “what would I rather be?”
A hammer is a tool that is used to drive the nail. Without the hammer the nail is pretty useless however it’s job as a hammer is to beat the nail down. It has to drive the nail so hard that it will penetrate and hold durable pieces of a planned whole together. The hammer has an obligation to drive hard but not too hard and it needs to drive at precisely the right angle or it will destroy the nail rendering it useless. But once the hammer has driven the nails it is no longer useful. Also, as a tool, it is only useful if it is being used by someone else to do something that it will only be part of for a short time.
The nail simply has to hold things together and yet it cannot do that and is basically useless without taking the very hard and repetitive beatings from the hammer. The hammer that is doing someone else’s bidding. But once the nail is driven, granted it is driven straight and it didn’t cave and bend incorrectly under the pressure, then it has a job to do for the remainder of the existence of the structure it is holding. But the nail is usually not alone in its job, it works together with a team to hold.
So I wonder, would I rather be a hammer than a nail?
And I think no, I am not so good at driving hard and I’m not too good at being a tool.
So maybe I am a nail, and all I really need to do is hold it together and stay straight in spite of all the unconscionable tools beating me down.
And I wonder, “what would I rather be?”
A hammer is a tool that is used to drive the nail. Without the hammer the nail is pretty useless however it’s job as a hammer is to beat the nail down. It has to drive the nail so hard that it will penetrate and hold durable pieces of a planned whole together. The hammer has an obligation to drive hard but not too hard and it needs to drive at precisely the right angle or it will destroy the nail rendering it useless. But once the hammer has driven the nails it is no longer useful. Also, as a tool, it is only useful if it is being used by someone else to do something that it will only be part of for a short time.
The nail simply has to hold things together and yet it cannot do that and is basically useless without taking the very hard and repetitive beatings from the hammer. The hammer that is doing someone else’s bidding. But once the nail is driven, granted it is driven straight and it didn’t cave and bend incorrectly under the pressure, then it has a job to do for the remainder of the existence of the structure it is holding. But the nail is usually not alone in its job, it works together with a team to hold.
So I wonder, would I rather be a hammer than a nail?
And I think no, I am not so good at driving hard and I’m not too good at being a tool.
So maybe I am a nail, and all I really need to do is hold it together and stay straight in spite of all the unconscionable tools beating me down.
Thursday, November 28, 2019
Thanksgiving
A lot can happen in a year.
Last Thanksgiving we were on the southern side of our state where animals, in general, are more scarce but spirit animals were still showing up -at least for me. Two lizards were especially interesting. Running to disappear faster then they usually do this time of year. They ran because I reached out to touch them, uncertain if they were real or visions. They were too fast so in all honestly I don't know. https://trustedpsychicmediums.com/spirit-animals/lizard-spirit-animal/ . The parallel is uncanny.
On thanksgiving day last year I wrote out whatever returning memories or processing was in my head in the wee hours of the night because my body would not and did not need sleep. I ran a mile or two (maybe more) on my broken tendon ankle. I made a flock of adorable paper turkeys and then hide them with prizes for the kids in a an incredible spot by the river. I laughed and helped with the meal anyway I could. I ate very little even of the dinner and pies. I was not really trying to but rather food had little appeal and need for it was laking. I was getting close to the 10 lbs dropped in 2 weeks without any effort.
I fed and walked the dog and played with the little ones. I laughed with and educated the olders on spirit animals. My own kids were a touch (or a lot) embarrassed. I lived at least 1000 lives that day and my mind was working so fast and was so sharp I could have landed a rocket on the moon single handed.
We went swimming by the full moon light that night or the next and I could feel every water molecule of the perfectly temperatured water. I could do more and better pull ups on the diving board than anyone, including the military vet that is much stronger and younger than I.
And all with my heart hurting constantly; likely from the cortisol and/or endorphins I would feel regularly surging through it.
I was higher than a kite.
I was manic.
Within the next year it would be dismissed and denied.
and my body, mind and heart, would not handle it well.
Reckless endangerment on at least 9 counts by the medical providers that were supposed to be looking out for me and protecting me. The ones who are supposed to know about TBI and PTSD and how those things can effect ones mood stability.
This year I am 3 months into the stabilization after the very long battle to understand and figure out my head and know who and what to trust while trying to figure out where to go.
After too long of trying to handle it mostly on my own.
Too long in the battle for my sanity, my safety, my stability and my life in which I was:
So confused by the views of the those who were the professionals.
So confused by the chemistry of me and the treachery of my heart.
So confused by the swinging and the surging of emotions and physiology.
So confused by the story and the words that were said when I was broken in my head.
So confused by the chemistry of me and the treachery of my heart.
So confused by the swinging and the surging of emotions and physiology.
So confused by the story and the words that were said when I was broken in my head.
This year we were supposed to be with my family. But I am being triggered lately. Angry. Hurt. Betrayed again and again. Alone. Shushed and Shunned.
They do not understand.
It is too much for them.
my trauma
and I am alone again.
with TBI
only this time extra screwed up by this one guy
and I don't quite know why
but people will reply
"just let it die"
but "it" is I
And I WILL NOT DIE
so
play it safe.
Don't want to explode
One sister is already too offended
and she needs a safe place too
she needs her family
she has had so much trauma herself
...not fair for me to be triggered
not fair for me to be mad
... and yet it absolutely is.
So respect her need for space from me
seems the right or at least safe and kind choice.
So, with the husband's side again -only this time on the Northern End.
And I am dull and boring. A shadow of what I was a year ago.
... A shadow...
that is a bit how I feel these days.
A lot can happen in a year.
And while I have a lot to be thankful for I also have a lot that really angers me because people have no idea and they are often asses because of it.
The other day I texted my friend who has endured abuses in the medical system when she had a TBI and has endured more than any human should ever have to. I texted her "sometimes the rejection hurts"
She replied "OH, I do understand all too well, my friend...big part of overall message...for me the pain/aguish of the aftermath... judgments...
Cold betrayals...far surpassed the actual terror/physical beating where I was left to die..."
They do not understand.
It is too much for them.
my trauma
and I am alone again.
with TBI
only this time extra screwed up by this one guy
and I don't quite know why
but people will reply
"just let it die"
but "it" is I
And I WILL NOT DIE
so
play it safe.
Don't want to explode
One sister is already too offended
and she needs a safe place too
she needs her family
she has had so much trauma herself
...not fair for me to be triggered
not fair for me to be mad
... and yet it absolutely is.
So respect her need for space from me
seems the right or at least safe and kind choice.
So, with the husband's side again -only this time on the Northern End.
And I am dull and boring. A shadow of what I was a year ago.
... A shadow...
that is a bit how I feel these days.
A lot can happen in a year.
And while I have a lot to be thankful for I also have a lot that really angers me because people have no idea and they are often asses because of it.
The other day I texted my friend who has endured abuses in the medical system when she had a TBI and has endured more than any human should ever have to. I texted her "sometimes the rejection hurts"
She replied "OH, I do understand all too well, my friend...big part of overall message...for me the pain/aguish of the aftermath... judgments...
Cold betrayals...far surpassed the actual terror/physical beating where I was left to die..."
I am so very thankful for this beautiful lady who has endured so much and who keeps getting back up, not just for herself but for others, even for me. I love her and I get back up for her too.
So this Thanksgiving I am thankful, so incredibly and immensely thankful, for those friends and family members who have been so kind and patient. Who have listened and know me well enough to know, right now I need to be kept safe.
And I am so immensely grateful for my new neuropsychologist who literally saved my life by making sure I got put on the right medication and quick. And she keeps doing it and keeps helping me get back up every time I take another hit. Dr. She, who understands, and has made sure I know, that my safety should not have been and should not be compromised for others I have been too soft on and have cared too much for to the detriment of my self.
Tuesday, November 26, 2019
My Emotions Need Me.
Yesterday:
One hell of a day.
Dark for sure
but I bounced back
soooo much quicker this time.
Today:
Dr. She and then a new kind of therapy
Rapid Eye Technology
Interesting.
A bit nervous
"will this push me into mania?"
no, it is going well.
intersting.
Listening to my internal higher self
I feel sadness
I want to feel compassion
But I already do
a lot.
And there is beauty in sadness. It would not be sad if it was not beautiful.
My mission, my goal, my crusade, whatever it is supposed to be called
"to protect"
I feel something. "I don't want to hurt him... but I have to" ..."I feel like I have to protect him from himself" "I feel like I need to protect them from themselves"
Releasing. What am I releasing?
His burden... It is not my burden. It was never supposed to be.
She reframes: "he is accountable for his actions, not you"
"he is"
RET therapist is right.
Reframe: He is responsible for his actions and his actions have brought him here.
Release, reframe, release
but something I'm trying to release is fighting back, pressing on my mind
threatening my grounding
...wanting to go too high...
Anger!
it will not be released.
It is fighting against me
or am I fighting against it.
"what do you feel?"
...."I need my anger" "I don't want my anger" "but I need my anger?"
But something else
... "my anger needs me"
My anger needs me and I need my anger.
"I can accept it for what it is"
"I can see it for what it is"
And like magic, it is released.
I need my anger and it needs me and by accepting that and accepting it for what it is I no longer have to fight against. I do not need to ruminate it away. I do not need to keep trying to fight it out by writing it out. I can let it be what it needs to be and recognize it as a part of me and a part that needs to be.
Joy.
The idea of replacing it all with Joy, this does not feel wise. I have joy and I love joy but it is not the only or even most important thing for me to feel. I need all of my emotions and they need me.
And I learned that my light and color is white because all of the colors kept jumping in, campaigning for the position.
I tried to stick with my tried and true color of blue
but it needed it's friends.
So I let them all in and found a white light, the rainbow they all blend to make.
Colors bouncing in and out. That is me. That is my color if I have to choose only one.
So white is my light.
and Dr. She says "just a tiny bit of cynical" finger and thumb about an inch apart, because I say I don't really like to be.
And I love that she says that because I feel like I have at least that much but she still feels that I don't. She gets it. She sees my angry and she still gets me.
I sure love her.
And dear TBI friend calls me
just to tell me about the lady she talked to who said,
"Nobody gets pissed until it happens to them."
"we choose to be tough" she always tells me
and to keep getting back up.
I feel peace. I feel calm.
I feel.
and I am comfortable with me.
One hell of a day.
Dark for sure
but I bounced back
soooo much quicker this time.
Today:
Dr. She and then a new kind of therapy
Rapid Eye Technology
Interesting.
A bit nervous
"will this push me into mania?"
no, it is going well.
intersting.
Listening to my internal higher self
I feel sadness
I want to feel compassion
But I already do
a lot.
And there is beauty in sadness. It would not be sad if it was not beautiful.
My mission, my goal, my crusade, whatever it is supposed to be called
"to protect"
I feel something. "I don't want to hurt him... but I have to" ..."I feel like I have to protect him from himself" "I feel like I need to protect them from themselves"
Releasing. What am I releasing?
His burden... It is not my burden. It was never supposed to be.
She reframes: "he is accountable for his actions, not you"
"he is"
RET therapist is right.
Reframe: He is responsible for his actions and his actions have brought him here.
Release, reframe, release
but something I'm trying to release is fighting back, pressing on my mind
threatening my grounding
...wanting to go too high...
Anger!
it will not be released.
It is fighting against me
or am I fighting against it.
"what do you feel?"
...."I need my anger" "I don't want my anger" "but I need my anger?"
But something else
... "my anger needs me"
My anger needs me and I need my anger.
"I can accept it for what it is"
"I can see it for what it is"
And like magic, it is released.
I need my anger and it needs me and by accepting that and accepting it for what it is I no longer have to fight against. I do not need to ruminate it away. I do not need to keep trying to fight it out by writing it out. I can let it be what it needs to be and recognize it as a part of me and a part that needs to be.
Joy.
The idea of replacing it all with Joy, this does not feel wise. I have joy and I love joy but it is not the only or even most important thing for me to feel. I need all of my emotions and they need me.
And I learned that my light and color is white because all of the colors kept jumping in, campaigning for the position.
I tried to stick with my tried and true color of blue
but it needed it's friends.
So I let them all in and found a white light, the rainbow they all blend to make.
Colors bouncing in and out. That is me. That is my color if I have to choose only one.
So white is my light.
and Dr. She says "just a tiny bit of cynical" finger and thumb about an inch apart, because I say I don't really like to be.
And I love that she says that because I feel like I have at least that much but she still feels that I don't. She gets it. She sees my angry and she still gets me.
I sure love her.
And dear TBI friend calls me
just to tell me about the lady she talked to who said,
"Nobody gets pissed until it happens to them."
"we choose to be tough" she always tells me
and to keep getting back up.
I feel peace. I feel calm.
I feel.
and I am comfortable with me.
Monday, November 25, 2019
Damned if You don't have a Double Sided Ears
Sometimes I really hate people.
I hate the stupid lessons given about the things we are supposed to do and then when we do we find out that we are not really supposed to do them. Yesterday there was a good chunk in a lesson about asking for help when you need it. So once again feeling inspired by peoples well meaning words I took the council and did as I was told...
Just to have confirmed what that jerk of a man had documented about me in his neuropsychological evaluation; lack of family and social support.
But of course it is my fault.
Why wouldn't it be?
And I am shamed and hushed and silenced once again by the people who are supposed to be looking out for me.
Perfect target for grooming.
That I won't respond appropriately to, but will break and expose the groomer for instead
and then be blamed and shamed, stigmatized and hushed and silenced for
because I did not break the right way, which is wrong.
What a messed up cycle of madness
and yet I am the the crazy one
conspiracy theorist for sure
when actually they don't really believe me because it is too close to a real conspiracy and they are only conspiracy theorists so of course I must be too.
And the ringing in me ear is nagging and the silver capsuled eraser is begging to be used.
Sometimes I really hate people
But I still have at least 3 that do care about me.
So no erasing for now.
One of those three had me listen to this because in her youthful wisdom she felt it applied and of course I cried:
I hate the stupid lessons given about the things we are supposed to do and then when we do we find out that we are not really supposed to do them. Yesterday there was a good chunk in a lesson about asking for help when you need it. So once again feeling inspired by peoples well meaning words I took the council and did as I was told...
Just to have confirmed what that jerk of a man had documented about me in his neuropsychological evaluation; lack of family and social support.
But of course it is my fault.
Why wouldn't it be?
And I am shamed and hushed and silenced once again by the people who are supposed to be looking out for me.
Perfect target for grooming.
That I won't respond appropriately to, but will break and expose the groomer for instead
and then be blamed and shamed, stigmatized and hushed and silenced for
because I did not break the right way, which is wrong.
What a messed up cycle of madness
and yet I am the the crazy one
conspiracy theorist for sure
when actually they don't really believe me because it is too close to a real conspiracy and they are only conspiracy theorists so of course I must be too.
And the ringing in me ear is nagging and the silver capsuled eraser is begging to be used.
Sometimes I really hate people
But I still have at least 3 that do care about me.
So no erasing for now.
One of those three had me listen to this because in her youthful wisdom she felt it applied and of course I cried:
Leaving the Cult of Happiness
...6 at least 6
...6 at least 6
Saturday, November 23, 2019
Friday, November 22, 2019
the Marionette Master
The ringing in my ear is nagging. It is more noticeable now that my thoughts have slowed with the assistance of medication.
What it is nagging me to do I am not always sure of.
Currently I find it very difficult to do anything. It takes immense effort to trust people and I am not really sure of how to proceed with anything.
Dr. She assures me that my current circumstances are far from normal in regards to the way this is going to effect a person psychologically.
That is good to know, because I'm like, "is this what it is going to be like, is this what my body is going to do now every time something is hard and stressful?"
But really we don't know.
I do know that a person can only take so many hits before they really cannot get up again. And I do know the TBI mood instability issues I have, have altered the course of my life...
I have to accept a new me, a new norm and yet I have no idea what that really is and what that really looks like because I have one man who has been determined to make it a mess for me and now he is determined to have me exiled from anyone in the industry because he is claiming it to be his place where I am not welcome. The only thing that makes sense to me (as to why he has me so unwelcome in my place of existence) is that he is claiming this because he wants to hide what he really is and how he is using and abusing people with head injuries. It is very scary and he knows he can win, he knows I don't have a fighting chance, because he knows my disadvantages and he knows how to manipulate people and the system. He knows how to turn people into his puppets, marionettes on strings he is pulling with his sweet tones and dimples and his carefully and strategically chosen words. He is brilliant and he knows what he is doing.
The good little puppets he works with drink it up and play along, loathing me for trying to cut their puppet strings so that they can do their jobs and be real humans.
What it is nagging me to do I am not always sure of.
Currently I find it very difficult to do anything. It takes immense effort to trust people and I am not really sure of how to proceed with anything.
Dr. She assures me that my current circumstances are far from normal in regards to the way this is going to effect a person psychologically.
That is good to know, because I'm like, "is this what it is going to be like, is this what my body is going to do now every time something is hard and stressful?"
But really we don't know.
I do know that a person can only take so many hits before they really cannot get up again. And I do know the TBI mood instability issues I have, have altered the course of my life...
I have to accept a new me, a new norm and yet I have no idea what that really is and what that really looks like because I have one man who has been determined to make it a mess for me and now he is determined to have me exiled from anyone in the industry because he is claiming it to be his place where I am not welcome. The only thing that makes sense to me (as to why he has me so unwelcome in my place of existence) is that he is claiming this because he wants to hide what he really is and how he is using and abusing people with head injuries. It is very scary and he knows he can win, he knows I don't have a fighting chance, because he knows my disadvantages and he knows how to manipulate people and the system. He knows how to turn people into his puppets, marionettes on strings he is pulling with his sweet tones and dimples and his carefully and strategically chosen words. He is brilliant and he knows what he is doing.
The good little puppets he works with drink it up and play along, loathing me for trying to cut their puppet strings so that they can do their jobs and be real humans.
Thursday, November 21, 2019
Reality Hits Hard
They want me not to speak out. They want me not to stand up for myself. They literally want me to burn out and die.
They have literally been setting me up.
I have long felt and suspected this. My sister, the prison guard has repeatedly warned me of this, and my rational brain saw it. But since I am something like a foolish Pollyanna of the mentally ill and brain injured I could not believe it. ... and I kept walking right into their traps.
The reality of this, the gravity of what I have -now obviously intentionally- been put through hit me hard today.
And I once again found myself in tears in a public place.
Costco this time.
Streaming.
I couldn't keep them back at all.
Fortunately a friendly Costco employee was compassionate and buoyed me up enough to get out the door without completely flooding the store.
But a breakdown of yet another new kind. A real, normal, too much stress on a person break down. Not mania, not TBI, not mood instability, but reality sinking in and sinking in hard.
A complete and intentional set up...
How on earth was I stupid enough to keep walking back into it? They likely even want me to appear to be a conspiracy theorist.
The irony of that is so comical. The one person in my family who is not overly paranoid, the one who chooses to trust and believe in humanity, is the one who has actually been set up in the most diabolical and unimaginable way. The irony of how two days prior Dr. She told me I need to be more cynical of people. And the irony of how when the threat arrived from the mail lady, I had just sat down to write out the importance of what they missed and why it is important that they do not miss or dismiss, because I wanted do what I could to make sure it did not happen to other patients. The irony.
They want me scarred. and
I am scared now
but not just for me, for others.
They are or he is clearly very dangerous.
He even warned me of these things...
"You only know what I let you see" [of him]
"I told you not to try and solve this"
"So we agree to a clean break"
"What we have had is a beautiful thing, I would not want to fuck that up"
"I am okay with being wrong"
"I don't believe in forever anymore"
"why, are you a stalker" with a suggestive epiphany inflection
"I going to let it burn out and I [advice or suggest] you to do the same"
"I'm a snake?" the inflection and then the disappointment when he realized what I actually thought that meant. (It was a spirit animal thing that can be explained easily through the lens of mania.)
and even possibly his rubbing his right eye with his middle finger when I played a song for him to explain the transference I was feeling... although that one may have been a different kind of suggestion...
a snake in the grass...
most certainly not the healing snake of caduceus that I wanted to believe he was, that I needed him to be.
Naseau. I have been bitten by a snake in the grass and it has made me very ill.
They have literally been setting me up.
I have long felt and suspected this. My sister, the prison guard has repeatedly warned me of this, and my rational brain saw it. But since I am something like a foolish Pollyanna of the mentally ill and brain injured I could not believe it. ... and I kept walking right into their traps.
The reality of this, the gravity of what I have -now obviously intentionally- been put through hit me hard today.
And I once again found myself in tears in a public place.
Costco this time.
Streaming.
I couldn't keep them back at all.
Fortunately a friendly Costco employee was compassionate and buoyed me up enough to get out the door without completely flooding the store.
But a breakdown of yet another new kind. A real, normal, too much stress on a person break down. Not mania, not TBI, not mood instability, but reality sinking in and sinking in hard.
A complete and intentional set up...
How on earth was I stupid enough to keep walking back into it? They likely even want me to appear to be a conspiracy theorist.
The irony of that is so comical. The one person in my family who is not overly paranoid, the one who chooses to trust and believe in humanity, is the one who has actually been set up in the most diabolical and unimaginable way. The irony of how two days prior Dr. She told me I need to be more cynical of people. And the irony of how when the threat arrived from the mail lady, I had just sat down to write out the importance of what they missed and why it is important that they do not miss or dismiss, because I wanted do what I could to make sure it did not happen to other patients. The irony.
They want me scarred. and
I am scared now
but not just for me, for others.
They are or he is clearly very dangerous.
He even warned me of these things...
"You only know what I let you see" [of him]
"I told you not to try and solve this"
"So we agree to a clean break"
"What we have had is a beautiful thing, I would not want to fuck that up"
"I am okay with being wrong"
"I don't believe in forever anymore"
"why, are you a stalker" with a suggestive epiphany inflection
"I going to let it burn out and I [advice or suggest] you to do the same"
"I'm a snake?" the inflection and then the disappointment when he realized what I actually thought that meant. (It was a spirit animal thing that can be explained easily through the lens of mania.)
and even possibly his rubbing his right eye with his middle finger when I played a song for him to explain the transference I was feeling... although that one may have been a different kind of suggestion...
a snake in the grass...
most certainly not the healing snake of caduceus that I wanted to believe he was, that I needed him to be.
Naseau. I have been bitten by a snake in the grass and it has made me very ill.
Wednesday, November 20, 2019
Met with Dr. She today. She tells me I have very good coping skills even when I think I don’t. I say thank you.
Then I got to hang out with my beautiful friend.
And it was good.
But somehow I am stupidly still struggling.
My head is tired and it hurts so my eyes start to leak uncontrollably.
...and I find myself praying to God that he call me home soon...
So here I am... positively coping on my blog again... while praying I can be called home soon.
I won’t make the journey uninvited
But I’m so tired
And tired of the ringing in my ear.
... and I’m not really strong enough to keep fighting back...
So now I pray for the patients and others I really am not strong enough to get back up for...
Maybe tomorrow......
Then I got to hang out with my beautiful friend.
And it was good.
But somehow I am stupidly still struggling.
My head is tired and it hurts so my eyes start to leak uncontrollably.
...and I find myself praying to God that he call me home soon...
So here I am... positively coping on my blog again... while praying I can be called home soon.
I won’t make the journey uninvited
But I’m so tired
And tired of the ringing in my ear.
... and I’m not really strong enough to keep fighting back...
So now I pray for the patients and others I really am not strong enough to get back up for...
Maybe tomorrow......
Tuesday, November 19, 2019
Knocked down again. Getting back up. And I will not Give up my Constitutional Rights for Bullies.
Nov. 2018
"why, are you a stalker?" he says with a light up in his eyes and the inflection of an epiphany.
Or is it a suggestion?
I am not sure. Under the circumstances of what he has implied and based on my intense feelings it feels like a suggestion to me and yet it is clearly an epiphany and I already know logically that it is a set up and yet another confession of his intentions.
Another truth about his manipulations that I did not want to believe but the evidence was clear as evidenced in my medical records in January when I went to Concussion doctor to try and understand what was going on with my head and what to do about it. In my records she documents some of her conversation with him and he claims I have made repeated attempts to contact him. The only attempt to contact outside of getting medical care and trying to understand what was going on with my head and why (without getting him into trouble because he had told me he could loose his license because of me -which did not make sense to me so I figured the institution was the threat) was a thank you card that I had sent after my last manic crazy appointment with him. A thank you note I sent to him through his office when I still trusted him so completely and wanted to show my appreciation. It was a manic gesture sent because he had shared with me that once a client had sent him a thank you letter and he appreciated it. I know it was a manic gesture because it was too soon after, probably too intense, and (and this one is most important) I had completely forgotten I had sent it. I only remembered when I later saw my general family PA and she thanked me for the very kind thank you note I sent to her. I had sent them at the same time.
Aside from that he was a medical provider for me, there were reasons to contact him, especially under the circumstances, clarification was needed and my head was very broken and a mess and that happened on his watch. Now looking more and more likely that it might have been due to his watch.
But he had set a trap.
A Trap within a trap, within a trap, within a trap, within a trap... one of my neighbors pointed out not too long ago, but before this very solid evidence of the stalking trap he had set.
"cease and desist" they are threatening.
and "govern myself accordingly"
"According to what?" I wonder.
Their threats, misconduct and mistreatment?
His desire for me to burn out and sacrifice myself for him thus keeping me from getting appropriate care and medical attention? This expectation equates to an expectation of suicide when it is coming from a trusted therapist and medical providers that are claiming you are not what you are (manic and then fading from the very real and very extreme physiological effects).
Or shall I govern myself according to what is truly ethical, and right and just? then I most certainly have complaints to file, charges to make, and a battle to fight and the UCLA might be who I need Since they are demanding and commanding me to give up my constitutional right to freedom of speech, the only thing I have left in figuring this out and trying to get the help I need and seeking fair treatment and justice for other patients as well. I am not so stupid as to suppose I am the only one and I am blown away at the lengths they are, or he is, willing to go to cover his indiscretions that I repeatedly explained and showed I was able to forgive and over look, and that I really did not care about other than because it was keeping me from getting the help that I needed.
This morning I am beat down. I cannot get up. I did but then I am down again. Afraid to even leave my house. Unable to get out of bed again. I thought I was strong... Empowered by the injustice and obvious abuse of it initially... but then finding my body pushing back again against medication and fading again. Feeling every hit from every source, including my family and the lack of support I feel there, something he knew -documented in his reports of me...
and I am hearing them say, "just stay down, don't get back up, they will just keep knocking you down. Just stay down"
They don't understand that I am cornered in the madness, if I stay down I bleed out and die, not getting the help I need.
Or if I stay down other patients will be turned on and beat up next ...and they may not be as strong as I am. They may die more easily. They are victims too and I cannot stay down and let that happen.
I have to get up. I need to keep fighting.
So here I am.
Getting back up.
I see clearly that they will fight me to, and hope for, my death. And maybe that will be the end result, but I will keep fighting until the wrongs are righted and changes have been made that will help patients -not hurt and continue to harm them. They are proving what I feared in their investigation and the concern I expressed when I asked them to stop the investigation until I understood or at least until they had my side of the story. They would not and did not stop or pause the investigation at that request. They are proving that they are making and have made changes that further reinforce the bad policies that have and continue to harm me. That will harm others.
I will keep fighting until I have nothing left, they have already destroyed enough for me, if they really wish to destroy me entirely than I will keep putting up a fight and I will keep talking about it. Only now I no longer need to speak to solve, now I need to speak to educate and inform. ...and to stay up and alive.
I have tested my theories and my doubts, I have tried to work this out with them and I have repeatedly asked for clarification if I was misunderstanding -which has repeatedly been denied with a claim that I was threatening. The only reason I would be a threat is if they are trying to hide something or things that are wrong. The only "threat" they can claim I have made is reporting them to the appropriate legal and governing bodies, something that I did not want to do if I were misunderstanding and when my brain was such a mess, but clearly my misunderstanding was in trusting them and hoping/believing that what had happened to me was an honest mistake and not something diabolical...
Keep getting up. I need to keep getting out of bed, keep getting up, keep believing in humanity or at least fighting for it...
I'm up now and just like a fighter who has been knocked down so many time but just keeps getting up I am shaky and week. It is taking so much energy to get up and stay up. To keep going no matter what that looks like.
This is so bizarre and I hate what they have done to my body.
"why, are you a stalker?" he says with a light up in his eyes and the inflection of an epiphany.
Or is it a suggestion?
I am not sure. Under the circumstances of what he has implied and based on my intense feelings it feels like a suggestion to me and yet it is clearly an epiphany and I already know logically that it is a set up and yet another confession of his intentions.
Another truth about his manipulations that I did not want to believe but the evidence was clear as evidenced in my medical records in January when I went to Concussion doctor to try and understand what was going on with my head and what to do about it. In my records she documents some of her conversation with him and he claims I have made repeated attempts to contact him. The only attempt to contact outside of getting medical care and trying to understand what was going on with my head and why (without getting him into trouble because he had told me he could loose his license because of me -which did not make sense to me so I figured the institution was the threat) was a thank you card that I had sent after my last manic crazy appointment with him. A thank you note I sent to him through his office when I still trusted him so completely and wanted to show my appreciation. It was a manic gesture sent because he had shared with me that once a client had sent him a thank you letter and he appreciated it. I know it was a manic gesture because it was too soon after, probably too intense, and (and this one is most important) I had completely forgotten I had sent it. I only remembered when I later saw my general family PA and she thanked me for the very kind thank you note I sent to her. I had sent them at the same time.
Aside from that he was a medical provider for me, there were reasons to contact him, especially under the circumstances, clarification was needed and my head was very broken and a mess and that happened on his watch. Now looking more and more likely that it might have been due to his watch.
But he had set a trap.
A Trap within a trap, within a trap, within a trap, within a trap... one of my neighbors pointed out not too long ago, but before this very solid evidence of the stalking trap he had set.
"cease and desist" they are threatening.
and "govern myself accordingly"
"According to what?" I wonder.
Their threats, misconduct and mistreatment?
His desire for me to burn out and sacrifice myself for him thus keeping me from getting appropriate care and medical attention? This expectation equates to an expectation of suicide when it is coming from a trusted therapist and medical providers that are claiming you are not what you are (manic and then fading from the very real and very extreme physiological effects).
Or shall I govern myself according to what is truly ethical, and right and just? then I most certainly have complaints to file, charges to make, and a battle to fight and the UCLA might be who I need Since they are demanding and commanding me to give up my constitutional right to freedom of speech, the only thing I have left in figuring this out and trying to get the help I need and seeking fair treatment and justice for other patients as well. I am not so stupid as to suppose I am the only one and I am blown away at the lengths they are, or he is, willing to go to cover his indiscretions that I repeatedly explained and showed I was able to forgive and over look, and that I really did not care about other than because it was keeping me from getting the help that I needed.
This morning I am beat down. I cannot get up. I did but then I am down again. Afraid to even leave my house. Unable to get out of bed again. I thought I was strong... Empowered by the injustice and obvious abuse of it initially... but then finding my body pushing back again against medication and fading again. Feeling every hit from every source, including my family and the lack of support I feel there, something he knew -documented in his reports of me...
and I am hearing them say, "just stay down, don't get back up, they will just keep knocking you down. Just stay down"
They don't understand that I am cornered in the madness, if I stay down I bleed out and die, not getting the help I need.
Or if I stay down other patients will be turned on and beat up next ...and they may not be as strong as I am. They may die more easily. They are victims too and I cannot stay down and let that happen.
I have to get up. I need to keep fighting.
So here I am.
Getting back up.
I see clearly that they will fight me to, and hope for, my death. And maybe that will be the end result, but I will keep fighting until the wrongs are righted and changes have been made that will help patients -not hurt and continue to harm them. They are proving what I feared in their investigation and the concern I expressed when I asked them to stop the investigation until I understood or at least until they had my side of the story. They would not and did not stop or pause the investigation at that request. They are proving that they are making and have made changes that further reinforce the bad policies that have and continue to harm me. That will harm others.
I will keep fighting until I have nothing left, they have already destroyed enough for me, if they really wish to destroy me entirely than I will keep putting up a fight and I will keep talking about it. Only now I no longer need to speak to solve, now I need to speak to educate and inform. ...and to stay up and alive.
I have tested my theories and my doubts, I have tried to work this out with them and I have repeatedly asked for clarification if I was misunderstanding -which has repeatedly been denied with a claim that I was threatening. The only reason I would be a threat is if they are trying to hide something or things that are wrong. The only "threat" they can claim I have made is reporting them to the appropriate legal and governing bodies, something that I did not want to do if I were misunderstanding and when my brain was such a mess, but clearly my misunderstanding was in trusting them and hoping/believing that what had happened to me was an honest mistake and not something diabolical...
Keep getting up. I need to keep getting out of bed, keep getting up, keep believing in humanity or at least fighting for it...
I'm up now and just like a fighter who has been knocked down so many time but just keeps getting up I am shaky and week. It is taking so much energy to get up and stay up. To keep going no matter what that looks like.
Saturday, November 16, 2019
fighting to survive again. I will not die so easily
I WILL NOT DIE FOR YOU!!!
I SEE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE AND WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO REINFORCE BUT I WILL NOT DIE SO EASILY.
I WILL NOT GO DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT JUST SO YOU CAN COVER YOUR INDISCRETIONS!!!
I WILL NOT DIE FOR YOU!
I WILL NOT COMMIT SUICIDE BECAUSE YOU WANT ME TO. BECAUSE IT WILL BENEFIT YOU.
I WILL NOT DIE FOR YOU AND YOUR LIES!!!!
AND I WILL NOT STOP TALKING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED, WHAT YOU SAID, AND HOW I WAS TREATED. I GAVE YOU EVERY POSSIBLE CHANCE TO CLARIFY, I GAVE YOU THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT AGAIN AND AGAIN, I FOLLOWED YOUR RULES PLAYED YOUR CRYPTIC GAMES. I TRUSTED YOU. I TRIED TO GET THE HELP I NEEDED FROM THE MEDICAL PROVIDERS THAT WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONES TO SEE THAT I NEEDED HELP WITH BUT YOU HAD SLANDERED AND TWISTED ME INTO SOMETHING I WAS NOT AND THEN YOU WOULD NOT ALLOW ANYONE TO TALK WITH ME TO CLARIFY, TO HELP ME. YOU MANIPULATED THE ENTIRE INSTITUTION TO WHATEVER IT WAS YOU WANTED THEM TO BELIEVE ABOUT ME, WHILE I WAS BROKEN AND STUPIDLY STILL TRUSTING.
DEFAMATION IS UNTRUE, I HAVE NOT CLAIMED ANYTHING THAT HAS NOT HAPPENED OR THAT IS CONTRARY TO MY UNDERSTANDING, HOWEVER I HAVE SOUGHT CLARIFICATION, WHICH YOU AND YOUR INSTITUTION HAVE DENIED ME. I EVEN TRIED SO HARD NOT TO HURT YOU OR CAUSE UNDO HARM WHICH ULTIMATELY HURT ME IN GETTING THE HELP I NEEDED. I HAVE BEHAVED LIKE A PERSON WHO HAS BEEN GROOMED AND I KNOW BETTER THAN TO BELIEVE I AM THE ONLY ONE. I DID NOT WANT TO BELIEVE THAT. IT BROKE MY HEART TO THINK IT BECAUSE I LOVED YOU AND I CARED AND YOU SEEM SO KIND AND MODEST... BUT IT IS A GUISE. AND I HEARD THE THINGS YOU SAID, ALL. I SAW YOUR EYES CHANGE, AND I KNOW HOW YOU MANIPULATED THROUGH IMPLYING. YOU CLAIMED YOU WOULD ALWAYS WANT TO PROTECT ME WHEN YOU WERE NOT EVEN DOING THAT WHEN IT WAS YOUR JOB TO, YOU WERE INTENTIONALLY HARMING ME.
I HAVE BEHAVED LIKE A PERSON WHO HAS BEEN GROOMED AND I KNOW BETTER THAN TO BELIEVE I AM THE ONLY ONE.
I WILL NOT SIT BY AND SAY NOTHING KNOWING YOU ARE GETTING AWAY WITH THIS.
AND I WILL NOT DIE FOR YOU!!!!
thoughts processed and out.
the reason for this very unknown blog...
I will keep fighting to survive. I will keep fighting for my family. I will keep fighting for others like me who are being mistreated and abused by these very powerful and apparently very corrupt systems. I will keep fighting to stay out of the darkness of the psychological mess this has caused. I will keep fighting.
I choose to live!!!!
I CHOOSE TO LIVE!!!!!!!!!
And I will not break again for you. I am stronger and I will keep getting help. I WILL NOT BREAK FOR YOU! I will not die for you.
Friday, November 15, 2019
the closer you get to the truth the harder people will fight you to keep their illusions up
One thing I have learned in life is the closer I get to the truth that someone is trying to hide the more vicious they become in their fight to hide it.
...This is very bad.
This is very very bad...
I have been absolutely gun shy about trying anything, about returning to previous projects and even occupations because of the hit this last year has taken to my confidence and because of the hit it has taken to my belief in other people...
I am scared for this world.
I am scared because of what is happening to me.
As a kid I never really felt bullied but as an adult... this is happening on terrifying levels...
this does not make sense to me.
...This is very bad.
This is very very bad...
I have been absolutely gun shy about trying anything, about returning to previous projects and even occupations because of the hit this last year has taken to my confidence and because of the hit it has taken to my belief in other people...
I am scared for this world.
I am scared because of what is happening to me.
As a kid I never really felt bullied but as an adult... this is happening on terrifying levels...
this does not make sense to me.
Monday, November 11, 2019
Know the truth and the truth shall set you free.
I decided to stay off of here for a bit. An attempt to shift my thinking. I am so very lost in my life at this moment in time. It is hard to know how to accept what I am and what I have experienced. I have openly admitted to people that I am bipolar and/or that I have brain damage. It is funny- not funny- how people handle these things. I have found that some have surprised me in their apparent acceptance while others immediately distrust or act as though you are inferior. Which is really comical, if I think about it, because $100 says they would not have faired nearly so well through a manic episode AND they are often so drab and boring in their limited thinking and creativity. So at least that is funny.
But today I am coming on to document. I think the break is good and I will be taking more but I still am far from resolved on this issue of the Neuroscience Institute and *.
Dr. She (new neuropsychologist) is teaching me a lot. One thing she taught me is that a person can only have one manic episode in their entire lifetime to be diagnosed bipolar. I think that is kind of sad and maybe unfair since in this country the negative stigma is still very real and heavy for that bipolar diagnosis. But mostly it is sad and unfair because if you have to be bipolar you should at least get to enjoy more than one life altering euphoric high. I am not sure if I really mean that though, because the flip side really does suck... and I digress.
Dr. She also taught me about how ADHD and bipolar can look similar but are different. This especially matters to me because my dear husband is, seriously, the poster child for ADHD. It can be somewhat comical, ...and it can be challenging, as I am sure you can imagine, especially since I can slip into legit crazy.
But I am sure you, my most selective readers, are dying to know how they are different and why it matters.
Well according to what Dr. She tells me a person who has ADHD can become irrational in an intense moment of emotion and decision making and because they have that under-active prefrontal cortex they have a tendency to react before their brain has a chance to process and make a rational sound decision, but once that moment is over they are rational and they can think rationally, while the a person with bipolar becomes progressively less rational and progressively looses touch with reality. They can very literally fade... Fading. I have written about that. I have reached out when I was fading. I was punished for it with a call to the police and no follow up from the actual medical providers who can actually do something about it.
I ask Dr. She, "but how is it I was still able to hold on to rational? How is it I could still feel normal a lot of the time?" Yet even as I ask I know that is not entirely accurate and I already know the answer as she starts to explain, using hand motions to illustrate how I was likely cycling up and down while I was progressively loosing touch over all and fading. Like a graph that has ups and downs cycling regularly as the whole, over time, is steadily declining.
If Dr. He knows this and Dr. Concussion knows this then that is an especially terrible thing to do to a person or to allow to happen. And they absolutely should know this considering their training and their chosen clinical practice.
The more rational I am becoming the more disturbing the reality of what was being missed and or dismissed really is.
"I told you not to try and solve this" he said. But why? I hope you are also asking this.
I have been trying to make sense of this the entire time and it may be for good reason. I have felt a sense of responsibility to uncover the truth and fight whatever the demon was that was eating at my brain and my heart. I have known I had to stand up for myself and keep fighting even when I did not understand who or what the enemy was and I do wonder exactly how many demons I have been fighting, with only one being my broken brain. I have thought it simply the perfect storm of transference and countertransference and a tragic comedy of errors -hard evidence of why a therapist needs to be so aware of countertransference and keep it in check. I have wanted to write about this in a book that could be helpful to both therapists and patients/clients of therapists. I have wanted to write about it now and then go back to school to become an expert on it so I can help others and implement changes in the very bad policies and/or practices that caused me significant harm. And write a followed book after that.
I want to do these things but every step is still quite heavy for me because so much is still unresolved and I was too unstable for far too long (when I absolutely did not need to be) so sadly I am still triggered more than I care to admit, although significantly less and the intensity is significantly less. I am slowly working my way out of the brain traps and if they had not been fed for so long by the people who were supposed to be helping me out of them this would likely be much easier (but then this blog would be far less interesting too, so their is that).
I am having a hard time in this moment keeping my thoughts incessant. They are exploding out like a lichtenberg figure.
So I am going to go back and attempt to explain what I am finding so disturbing.
Because I have the desire to write, as I mentioned, about this insanity, this week I decided to go back to the beginning of my obsessive writings, writings that I have not published on this blog, to see if I can use any of it, and to see where I really was.
Going back to the beginning, when I was unexpectedly dropped just when I felt I was starting to make progress, I saw easily my brains slipping into mania. I also saw that then I understood quite logically, as I was researching, what very well could have been happening or had happened in that relationship that was supposed to be strictly therapeutic for me (and that "for me" part is important) with *Dr. He. I very easily could have and very well did understand it for what it was before and after his "so we can agree to a clean break" appointment which he planned on being his last appointment with me.
At that point in time, I still very much trusted him but I was also broken and, as Dr. She's teachings helped me realize, I was still breaking as I would continue to slip downward in my rational thinking maintaining and my touch with reality.
In the beginning, though I was quite high in mania, and it is obvious when I look back at my writing in those moments, I was utilizing my talents and skills that I had developed over so many years to observe myself and my insanity scientifically (in a sense) and in that way I was not entirely lost to psychosis.
However, I did in fact still need Dr. He and Dr. Concussion and I needed them to see what I was trying to show and tell them all along, that there was something more going on, and that I was reacting too big. I was, in fact, manic.
But for a time I did not believe that was it because Dr. He did not believe that was it, or least that was my impression since he had not addressed it and he took the angle of it being a transference and countertransference issue and he was supposed limit to 10 treatments and he had others that he believed needed him more. But I could not keep believing that it was not mania as I did not recover the way I would have if it weren't.
So then as I was fighting for my life to prevent further sliding into the irrational I was being told it was not mania and I was being gaslit and treated by the people at the Neuroscience Institute and the Patient Advocates in ways that fed the crazy and the fantasy. The crazy that at first I was actually more rationally able to see for what it likely was within the framework of transference, countertransference, the perfect storm and possibly a therapist that was a bit broken himself but that had definitely played with fire and crossed boundaries -but only in ways that I could easily forgive and initially thought were funny.
But then every time he would not talk with me, he avoided me, they played games, and treated me like a liability it fed this manic level intensity of connection that only true sole mates could possibly feel (and I am allowing the embarrassment of that statement because it is the solid truth of what they fed and of a damned f*@#d up manic mind ...or of therapist manipulated mind).
And even when I tried to tell them this they just kept feeding it.
No apology meant I was the forbidden temptress that he loved so much he simply would not be able to resist and would not give a false apology to because he would not deny those feeling. That, or I was worthless and unsalvageable, not worth their time. Which would you rather allow to be fed in your fading sanity? The latter may be true to them but that is not kind while the prior shit is straight up embarrassing and it IS NOT rational. and I know it. I knew it then.
BUT I was also fading with neither of those options being good for a brain that is progressively loosing its stability and sanity. SO for months that crazy was fed and that is incredibly disturbing as I am now learning what neuropsychologists know and how medical providers should have handled me in that condition.
And at first it seemed as though it would be so easy to pull out of this when the medication started working, because I had put in so much work. But, alas, that was a false start, jumping of the gun because that kind of intensity and rumination for so many months and that level of fraud or deceit is not going to end so easily.
I do feel as though I am making progress and glad that I trusted my gut to not file any further complaints or investigations when I knew I would make a mess of them in my confused mental state.
Now
The question begs to be answered: Were they keeping me in a compromised place intentionally, so that I would mess up any investigation and/or to out last the statutes of limitations? Obviously there has been a very crooked cover up here or there are some very unethical and/or very ignorant or unskilled people at the Intermountain Neuroscience Institute, in Murray UT.
But today I am coming on to document. I think the break is good and I will be taking more but I still am far from resolved on this issue of the Neuroscience Institute and *.
Dr. She (new neuropsychologist) is teaching me a lot. One thing she taught me is that a person can only have one manic episode in their entire lifetime to be diagnosed bipolar. I think that is kind of sad and maybe unfair since in this country the negative stigma is still very real and heavy for that bipolar diagnosis. But mostly it is sad and unfair because if you have to be bipolar you should at least get to enjoy more than one life altering euphoric high. I am not sure if I really mean that though, because the flip side really does suck... and I digress.
Dr. She also taught me about how ADHD and bipolar can look similar but are different. This especially matters to me because my dear husband is, seriously, the poster child for ADHD. It can be somewhat comical, ...and it can be challenging, as I am sure you can imagine, especially since I can slip into legit crazy.
But I am sure you, my most selective readers, are dying to know how they are different and why it matters.
Well according to what Dr. She tells me a person who has ADHD can become irrational in an intense moment of emotion and decision making and because they have that under-active prefrontal cortex they have a tendency to react before their brain has a chance to process and make a rational sound decision, but once that moment is over they are rational and they can think rationally, while the a person with bipolar becomes progressively less rational and progressively looses touch with reality. They can very literally fade... Fading. I have written about that. I have reached out when I was fading. I was punished for it with a call to the police and no follow up from the actual medical providers who can actually do something about it.
I ask Dr. She, "but how is it I was still able to hold on to rational? How is it I could still feel normal a lot of the time?" Yet even as I ask I know that is not entirely accurate and I already know the answer as she starts to explain, using hand motions to illustrate how I was likely cycling up and down while I was progressively loosing touch over all and fading. Like a graph that has ups and downs cycling regularly as the whole, over time, is steadily declining.
If Dr. He knows this and Dr. Concussion knows this then that is an especially terrible thing to do to a person or to allow to happen. And they absolutely should know this considering their training and their chosen clinical practice.
The more rational I am becoming the more disturbing the reality of what was being missed and or dismissed really is.
"I told you not to try and solve this" he said. But why? I hope you are also asking this.
I have been trying to make sense of this the entire time and it may be for good reason. I have felt a sense of responsibility to uncover the truth and fight whatever the demon was that was eating at my brain and my heart. I have known I had to stand up for myself and keep fighting even when I did not understand who or what the enemy was and I do wonder exactly how many demons I have been fighting, with only one being my broken brain. I have thought it simply the perfect storm of transference and countertransference and a tragic comedy of errors -hard evidence of why a therapist needs to be so aware of countertransference and keep it in check. I have wanted to write about this in a book that could be helpful to both therapists and patients/clients of therapists. I have wanted to write about it now and then go back to school to become an expert on it so I can help others and implement changes in the very bad policies and/or practices that caused me significant harm. And write a followed book after that.
I want to do these things but every step is still quite heavy for me because so much is still unresolved and I was too unstable for far too long (when I absolutely did not need to be) so sadly I am still triggered more than I care to admit, although significantly less and the intensity is significantly less. I am slowly working my way out of the brain traps and if they had not been fed for so long by the people who were supposed to be helping me out of them this would likely be much easier (but then this blog would be far less interesting too, so their is that).
I am having a hard time in this moment keeping my thoughts incessant. They are exploding out like a lichtenberg figure.
So I am going to go back and attempt to explain what I am finding so disturbing.
Because I have the desire to write, as I mentioned, about this insanity, this week I decided to go back to the beginning of my obsessive writings, writings that I have not published on this blog, to see if I can use any of it, and to see where I really was.
Going back to the beginning, when I was unexpectedly dropped just when I felt I was starting to make progress, I saw easily my brains slipping into mania. I also saw that then I understood quite logically, as I was researching, what very well could have been happening or had happened in that relationship that was supposed to be strictly therapeutic for me (and that "for me" part is important) with *Dr. He. I very easily could have and very well did understand it for what it was before and after his "so we can agree to a clean break" appointment which he planned on being his last appointment with me.
At that point in time, I still very much trusted him but I was also broken and, as Dr. She's teachings helped me realize, I was still breaking as I would continue to slip downward in my rational thinking maintaining and my touch with reality.
In the beginning, though I was quite high in mania, and it is obvious when I look back at my writing in those moments, I was utilizing my talents and skills that I had developed over so many years to observe myself and my insanity scientifically (in a sense) and in that way I was not entirely lost to psychosis.
However, I did in fact still need Dr. He and Dr. Concussion and I needed them to see what I was trying to show and tell them all along, that there was something more going on, and that I was reacting too big. I was, in fact, manic.
But for a time I did not believe that was it because Dr. He did not believe that was it, or least that was my impression since he had not addressed it and he took the angle of it being a transference and countertransference issue and he was supposed limit to 10 treatments and he had others that he believed needed him more. But I could not keep believing that it was not mania as I did not recover the way I would have if it weren't.
So then as I was fighting for my life to prevent further sliding into the irrational I was being told it was not mania and I was being gaslit and treated by the people at the Neuroscience Institute and the Patient Advocates in ways that fed the crazy and the fantasy. The crazy that at first I was actually more rationally able to see for what it likely was within the framework of transference, countertransference, the perfect storm and possibly a therapist that was a bit broken himself but that had definitely played with fire and crossed boundaries -but only in ways that I could easily forgive and initially thought were funny.
But then every time he would not talk with me, he avoided me, they played games, and treated me like a liability it fed this manic level intensity of connection that only true sole mates could possibly feel (and I am allowing the embarrassment of that statement because it is the solid truth of what they fed and of a damned f*@#d up manic mind ...or of therapist manipulated mind).
And even when I tried to tell them this they just kept feeding it.
No apology meant I was the forbidden temptress that he loved so much he simply would not be able to resist and would not give a false apology to because he would not deny those feeling. That, or I was worthless and unsalvageable, not worth their time. Which would you rather allow to be fed in your fading sanity? The latter may be true to them but that is not kind while the prior shit is straight up embarrassing and it IS NOT rational. and I know it. I knew it then.
BUT I was also fading with neither of those options being good for a brain that is progressively loosing its stability and sanity. SO for months that crazy was fed and that is incredibly disturbing as I am now learning what neuropsychologists know and how medical providers should have handled me in that condition.
And at first it seemed as though it would be so easy to pull out of this when the medication started working, because I had put in so much work. But, alas, that was a false start, jumping of the gun because that kind of intensity and rumination for so many months and that level of fraud or deceit is not going to end so easily.
I do feel as though I am making progress and glad that I trusted my gut to not file any further complaints or investigations when I knew I would make a mess of them in my confused mental state.
Now
The question begs to be answered: Were they keeping me in a compromised place intentionally, so that I would mess up any investigation and/or to out last the statutes of limitations? Obviously there has been a very crooked cover up here or there are some very unethical and/or very ignorant or unskilled people at the Intermountain Neuroscience Institute, in Murray UT.
Wednesday, November 6, 2019
No escape
I'm tired of being tired.
Medication game or just the residual effects of TBI... or is it residual effects of trauma.
I am still loosing sleep.
It is just so wrong
How I was treated.
My friend says "the worst part is how they vilified you"
And they did.
I never even received any kind of apology from Office Director or evidence of their "escalated concerns" for her denying me my medical records or yelling at me in front of my kids when I was telling her I didn't want them to keep trying to send me other places, that it made sense to me to be kept in house so I did not have to keep trying to explain and thus relive the trauma every time I tried to find new therapists and doctors and I was asking why I could not be seen by a different neuropsychologist there.
They only thing I received form her was that final letter terminating me from the entire facility. A slap in the face or knife to the heart with an added twist.
From the one accessible place in my world that has the different providers I need that are supposedly trained to know how to treat and handle me because of my TBI's... The people I have needed since I was 12.
I can't escape this.
My brain isn't letting me...
I have no idea how to handle it.
But I know there is something very very wrong about this and my conscience will not let it go...
so here I am again writing.
I am and have been slow and trying to be careful and fair even when I was mentally unstable. I do not want to cause undo harm but there needs to be some accountability or if they are frauds they need to be exposed. I don't want this job, that is why I keep coming here to this silly blog and the rumination continues... I don't want this job, but it is the job I have to do because my conscience and my injuries won't let me out of it...
and garbage cans taking a beating don't take it away, neither do all of the gazillion of other things I have tried. They only time it is subsiding is when I am working to fix it... working to hold them accountable.
If the mistakes that lead to this mess were accidental then there is no reason for me to have been treated that way and for me to be so stonewalled and ostracized so vehemently.
Is it stigmatizing of the "mentally ill?" Is that all this is evidence of?
If so that angers me too.
This kind of stigmatizing does not help anyone but it does feed and encourage the negative nature in people. If people are alienated, ostracized and treated like criminals for seeking help with their mental illness and "inappropriate" behaviors than what the hell do you think is going to happen? It is so plainly stupid.
And I am tired
tired of this stupidity and my malfunctioning brain that now is functioning much better but I know will keep pushing back if I don't make the necessary external changes to support the positive internal changes.
no editing. I want to sleep and I have very limited time right now
*back, I have come, to edit and I am certain, even in my rational sanity, that there is a higher power that works on us as individuals and as a collective whole as I just happened upon this video and choose to watch it even though it was simply out of curiosity and a distraction from my task at hand. J.K. Rowling speaks at a Harvard Graduation
What an incredible woman, what an incredible speech and what a brave human to give such a speech at a Harvard graduation.
And in my own voiceless vulnerable life I can feel proud that I came across this speech while I was working to plan lessons I had volunteered to plan for a teacher I will be substituting for that is an overworked and underpaid single mom, who cares and works hard for others with so very much on her own plate. Normally as a sub you do not lesson plan, but I volunteered to help relieve just a smidgeon of the burden from this beautiful person.
I want these things to be known because people with mental illnesses and TBI's can also be kind, caring, helpful citizens. We deserve fair treatment. We are not worthless or disposable, nor are we helpless but too often a person with problems such as mine will become that because they are not given a chance, they are not respected, they are not heard, and they are treated as though they are helpless, worthless, and to be feared and ostracized. Or simply a real pain in the ass.
This is my battle, that I am very much not alone in but those that I represent really are at such huge disadvantages, so often isolated, and very often their voices go unheard and disrespected or they are shamed and humiliated.
So no escape... this is my battle, I suppose, and as my beautiful friend Renée reminds me, "We chose to be tough."
Medication game or just the residual effects of TBI... or is it residual effects of trauma.
I am still loosing sleep.
It is just so wrong
How I was treated.
My friend says "the worst part is how they vilified you"
And they did.
I never even received any kind of apology from Office Director or evidence of their "escalated concerns" for her denying me my medical records or yelling at me in front of my kids when I was telling her I didn't want them to keep trying to send me other places, that it made sense to me to be kept in house so I did not have to keep trying to explain and thus relive the trauma every time I tried to find new therapists and doctors and I was asking why I could not be seen by a different neuropsychologist there.
They only thing I received form her was that final letter terminating me from the entire facility. A slap in the face or knife to the heart with an added twist.
From the one accessible place in my world that has the different providers I need that are supposedly trained to know how to treat and handle me because of my TBI's... The people I have needed since I was 12.
I can't escape this.
My brain isn't letting me...
I have no idea how to handle it.
But I know there is something very very wrong about this and my conscience will not let it go...
so here I am again writing.
I am and have been slow and trying to be careful and fair even when I was mentally unstable. I do not want to cause undo harm but there needs to be some accountability or if they are frauds they need to be exposed. I don't want this job, that is why I keep coming here to this silly blog and the rumination continues... I don't want this job, but it is the job I have to do because my conscience and my injuries won't let me out of it...
and garbage cans taking a beating don't take it away, neither do all of the gazillion of other things I have tried. They only time it is subsiding is when I am working to fix it... working to hold them accountable.
If the mistakes that lead to this mess were accidental then there is no reason for me to have been treated that way and for me to be so stonewalled and ostracized so vehemently.
Is it stigmatizing of the "mentally ill?" Is that all this is evidence of?
If so that angers me too.
This kind of stigmatizing does not help anyone but it does feed and encourage the negative nature in people. If people are alienated, ostracized and treated like criminals for seeking help with their mental illness and "inappropriate" behaviors than what the hell do you think is going to happen? It is so plainly stupid.
And I am tired
tired of this stupidity and my malfunctioning brain that now is functioning much better but I know will keep pushing back if I don't make the necessary external changes to support the positive internal changes.
no editing. I want to sleep and I have very limited time right now
*back, I have come, to edit and I am certain, even in my rational sanity, that there is a higher power that works on us as individuals and as a collective whole as I just happened upon this video and choose to watch it even though it was simply out of curiosity and a distraction from my task at hand. J.K. Rowling speaks at a Harvard Graduation
What an incredible woman, what an incredible speech and what a brave human to give such a speech at a Harvard graduation.
And in my own voiceless vulnerable life I can feel proud that I came across this speech while I was working to plan lessons I had volunteered to plan for a teacher I will be substituting for that is an overworked and underpaid single mom, who cares and works hard for others with so very much on her own plate. Normally as a sub you do not lesson plan, but I volunteered to help relieve just a smidgeon of the burden from this beautiful person.
I want these things to be known because people with mental illnesses and TBI's can also be kind, caring, helpful citizens. We deserve fair treatment. We are not worthless or disposable, nor are we helpless but too often a person with problems such as mine will become that because they are not given a chance, they are not respected, they are not heard, and they are treated as though they are helpless, worthless, and to be feared and ostracized. Or simply a real pain in the ass.
This is my battle, that I am very much not alone in but those that I represent really are at such huge disadvantages, so often isolated, and very often their voices go unheard and disrespected or they are shamed and humiliated.
So no escape... this is my battle, I suppose, and as my beautiful friend Renée reminds me, "We chose to be tough."
Monday, November 4, 2019
The medication game
I had another follow up with my psychiatric PA. She is pleased to see the difference. It is becoming increasingly obvious and I am increasingly stable. In fact the other day I listened to a lady talk at an event for my daughter and I didn't even cry. I have been able to share things and I don't even cry. When people ask me how I am I say rather automatically at times, "Fine" or "Good, how are you" instead of "interesting." Sometimes I still say that when I am feeling a little interesting for one reason or another or just because it is funny and it makes people laugh or at least smile.
Talking to psychiatric PA I tell her this I'm moving into the hard part of taking medication. Initially it was just such a relief and Godsend that no side effects were noticeable or worse then what I had been going through. I needed increases a couple of times as push back was pretty strong. But in the past week or so I have not felt the physical sensations of manic-style pushback and I am even still finding my mind calming and becoming more "rationally" level. Now we are to the point of fine-tuning the medication. I am not falling asleep as well, my brain has been a bit busy at night, and then I am struggling to wake up in the morning. This is annoying. I remember PA say, about my medication quetiapine, that lower doses can make you more tired and I wonder if maybe, even though I am not having the manic feeling pushback anymore, if the dose might still be a bit too low because my thoughts may still be running a bit too fast at night.
PA suggests this very thing also. We agree that I should try taking it earlier consistently and then she adds 50 more only I will take the extra 50 in the non-extended release. This is our game plane and it sounds like a good one.
But...
Not really but,
but it is a bit tricky, this phase. I am now worried a bit about becoming zombie like, as crazy and... umm... messed up, as it has been I have learned to enjoy it some and embracing my crazy can be fun too.... which ironically I can more fully embrace and enjoy better from my more level place, but I am a bit concerned about loosing that completely. I will miss me if I do.
Then there is the part of feeling normal.
It is amazing how quickly I can forget how high I can go. Have buried this very effectively before and I feel myself doing it again... Probably not so wise. That has caused significant confusion and problems, but actually it was this buried stuff coming out that really caused the problem, so maybe I should burry it even better... but alas silly rabbit whole, I know, there is no going back this time, you broke to big. As much as I want to just be fine without medication I know I will need it for some time to counteract the months of insanity I have endured. So it is silly to me that there is even an inkling of that idea of being fine with out it. But that is part of the nature of this bipolar beast that resides within me.
PA asks me how neuropsychologist is helping. I tell her she is helping immensely. PA is surprised I am able to trust after the last. I explain, that is hard, especially when she says similar stuff, naturally she will but it still causes a distrust reaction... funny, I hide it from her. I also am working to cut myself off before I get to attached, I told Dr. She that at my last appointment, I don't want to become too dependent on her, so even though I still greatly appreciate the frequent appointments I am cutting back as I feel more stable. I also don't ask her many questions, even though I like to hear about her and I would love to know more about her as a person, I don't allow myself to ask or be interested. I make sure it is about me... I don't love that part. It makes me sad, because I love Dr. She, but I cannot let myself make a similar mistake. Dr. She says, "You will never feel like you are my therapist," and I am grateful, but I am leery, because never is a black magic kind of word.
See, it can be quite interesting to be "crazy" so I allow it and I am thinking I can own some of it and enjoy some of it too. This is why I am writing now. This "crazy" that people are so damn terrified of is really not so scary. In it I can make sense of so much because I can see the insanities that so many people are so very blind too. I am aware of how profoundly even seemingly simple things can effect us, and I have experiences under my belt that look like typical aging problems so I am way better prepared for that. Plus I get the luxury of doing silly things like this blog. Of course I am very fortunate in my circumstances, but and I mean BUT in a big, standing upright, and speaking out kind of way, I have also worked very hard to manage and understand my mental deficiencies, my mood instabilities and my TBI related problems. I know this because I read and reread various self-help books and books on psychology I see so many things I have done and I can see the huge progress I have made. Viktor Frankl, Man's Search For Meaning, I have not read before but it resonates and I see the same message in Change Your Brain Change Your Life, by Daniel Amen MD that I have read before. Change your ANTs; Automatic Negative Thoughts. I am quite good at this really. And I am pleased with how Frankl resonates with me because truly I only made it through this crazy messed up manic cycling chemistry because I was looking at my suffering scientifically and I also was able to fight through by attaching meaning to it... Of course this has been ridiculously tricky since the damned people who were supposed to help with that were telling me I was not worth listening to or helping and denying the crazy I was telling them I was managing. There are a lot of things that I am really becoming more fully aware of the stupidity of, like how Dr. Concussion had told me Dr. He had said I had behaved inappropriately, to which I was like "I did, but I didn't. and I did and that is what I am trying to tell you" but also "so did he." Yet these things were ignored. And when she said, "There is something pathological to that," and I said "Thank you for acknowledging that." I am sorry to be rude but it makes me think they are kind of stupid. Or something.
but alas my new dose of drugs are kicking in and I am thinking I may have gone off track in my documenting this here insanity and the path to sanity (an illusion)... and now I shall retire to my bed, to edit maybe later , so lucky you are if you read this before because then you get to really see into the mind and reality of the rational crazy... goodnight.
Talking to psychiatric PA I tell her this I'm moving into the hard part of taking medication. Initially it was just such a relief and Godsend that no side effects were noticeable or worse then what I had been going through. I needed increases a couple of times as push back was pretty strong. But in the past week or so I have not felt the physical sensations of manic-style pushback and I am even still finding my mind calming and becoming more "rationally" level. Now we are to the point of fine-tuning the medication. I am not falling asleep as well, my brain has been a bit busy at night, and then I am struggling to wake up in the morning. This is annoying. I remember PA say, about my medication quetiapine, that lower doses can make you more tired and I wonder if maybe, even though I am not having the manic feeling pushback anymore, if the dose might still be a bit too low because my thoughts may still be running a bit too fast at night.
PA suggests this very thing also. We agree that I should try taking it earlier consistently and then she adds 50 more only I will take the extra 50 in the non-extended release. This is our game plane and it sounds like a good one.
But...
Not really but,
but it is a bit tricky, this phase. I am now worried a bit about becoming zombie like, as crazy and... umm... messed up, as it has been I have learned to enjoy it some and embracing my crazy can be fun too.... which ironically I can more fully embrace and enjoy better from my more level place, but I am a bit concerned about loosing that completely. I will miss me if I do.
Then there is the part of feeling normal.
It is amazing how quickly I can forget how high I can go. Have buried this very effectively before and I feel myself doing it again... Probably not so wise. That has caused significant confusion and problems, but actually it was this buried stuff coming out that really caused the problem, so maybe I should burry it even better... but alas silly rabbit whole, I know, there is no going back this time, you broke to big. As much as I want to just be fine without medication I know I will need it for some time to counteract the months of insanity I have endured. So it is silly to me that there is even an inkling of that idea of being fine with out it. But that is part of the nature of this bipolar beast that resides within me.
PA asks me how neuropsychologist is helping. I tell her she is helping immensely. PA is surprised I am able to trust after the last. I explain, that is hard, especially when she says similar stuff, naturally she will but it still causes a distrust reaction... funny, I hide it from her. I also am working to cut myself off before I get to attached, I told Dr. She that at my last appointment, I don't want to become too dependent on her, so even though I still greatly appreciate the frequent appointments I am cutting back as I feel more stable. I also don't ask her many questions, even though I like to hear about her and I would love to know more about her as a person, I don't allow myself to ask or be interested. I make sure it is about me... I don't love that part. It makes me sad, because I love Dr. She, but I cannot let myself make a similar mistake. Dr. She says, "You will never feel like you are my therapist," and I am grateful, but I am leery, because never is a black magic kind of word.
See, it can be quite interesting to be "crazy" so I allow it and I am thinking I can own some of it and enjoy some of it too. This is why I am writing now. This "crazy" that people are so damn terrified of is really not so scary. In it I can make sense of so much because I can see the insanities that so many people are so very blind too. I am aware of how profoundly even seemingly simple things can effect us, and I have experiences under my belt that look like typical aging problems so I am way better prepared for that. Plus I get the luxury of doing silly things like this blog. Of course I am very fortunate in my circumstances, but and I mean BUT in a big, standing upright, and speaking out kind of way, I have also worked very hard to manage and understand my mental deficiencies, my mood instabilities and my TBI related problems. I know this because I read and reread various self-help books and books on psychology I see so many things I have done and I can see the huge progress I have made. Viktor Frankl, Man's Search For Meaning, I have not read before but it resonates and I see the same message in Change Your Brain Change Your Life, by Daniel Amen MD that I have read before. Change your ANTs; Automatic Negative Thoughts. I am quite good at this really. And I am pleased with how Frankl resonates with me because truly I only made it through this crazy messed up manic cycling chemistry because I was looking at my suffering scientifically and I also was able to fight through by attaching meaning to it... Of course this has been ridiculously tricky since the damned people who were supposed to help with that were telling me I was not worth listening to or helping and denying the crazy I was telling them I was managing. There are a lot of things that I am really becoming more fully aware of the stupidity of, like how Dr. Concussion had told me Dr. He had said I had behaved inappropriately, to which I was like "I did, but I didn't. and I did and that is what I am trying to tell you" but also "so did he." Yet these things were ignored. And when she said, "There is something pathological to that," and I said "Thank you for acknowledging that." I am sorry to be rude but it makes me think they are kind of stupid. Or something.
but alas my new dose of drugs are kicking in and I am thinking I may have gone off track in my documenting this here insanity and the path to sanity (an illusion)... and now I shall retire to my bed, to edit maybe later , so lucky you are if you read this before because then you get to really see into the mind and reality of the rational crazy... goodnight.
Sunday, November 3, 2019
The Boxer
My aunt.
I am having a conversation with her. Trying to explain where I have been and why this last year. Though I have been physically absent for many family activities it is mostly a psychological explanation because I obviously have been some place psychologically strange this past year.
It is interesting to me the elements that different people will pick up on in my story. She is an intellectual and has worked in research at colleges for all her career that I know of. She picks up on the way my heart felt and the surging of chemicals. She knows something about this and knows what I am saying is real and possible. She finds it somewhat fascinating how I was physically effected by what was happening to me that seemed tied to the relationship with my neuropsychologist.
-She also knows about acid because she was a real, true, Woodstock-attending-hippy back in the day. We don't talk about that today but I find myself remembering a long passed conversation with her about the affects of acid in comparison to some of the highs I would feel with my mental health conditions. This is the buried story stuff that Dr. He had helped bring to the surface and that I initially feared he had dropped me for -with an "oh shit, she is one of those," kind of realization.
Coming back to today, as I am talking to my aunt, and she is adding some insight, and I am -as I stabilize- even still settling into realizations and understandings that I have felt and explored over the months but have fought and really was not able or willing to accept.
Aunt also points out, even before I say much about it, that the investigation was likely just a decoy to get me to say and do things that they could use against me or to justify themselves should they feel they needed to. It was a set up. She seems familiar with this type of practice. I wish I could remember the exact words she used, they were much more intelligent sounding, but that is the gist of it. My sister who works in prisons has said the same thing. She is familiar with how the psychologists can twist things to their favor.
Way back when, when I was convinced I was in love with my therapist and behaving like someone who has been groomed, I remember my sister telling me the that things he said were classic manipulations straight out of a players handbook. I knew it, but couldn't believe it in spite of the evidence. I was so broken and yet I still thought I was immune to being played like that. Plus it did not seem possible in that environment, he is so sweet and charming, everyone loves him, and I trusted him so very much... and I felt things so powerfully
... including yin and yang... I remember... including "I don't know what I can trust" .... and he how he could turn me away so easily even though "you broke me" (me) "I did not mean to" (he). Even though "I've tested your brain in ways you don't even know" (he) "I know. You have even tested how I feel about you" (me) followed by no reply from he. And even though he was "okay with being wrong" about me. Those things I felt as well... it is likely important to remember, even though I would rather not believe, they may have been significant evidence of foul play...
So at this moment in time as I am looking back I feel like a boxer,
beaten, broken, and bloodied by too many cheap shots when I went to the doctors in the first place.
At first they nurtured me and they were helping me to recover
but as my strength and confidence were returning
they saw in me the reason others had taken cheap shots
and decided that maybe they better also because in their misunderstanding of me and my manic superpowers they believed, if I ever wanted, I could take them down if I were to recover to my full capacities.
They feared they were no match if I had full strength since I was seeing the holes in their treatment before I even knew what I was saying and without even realizing I was pointing them out.
So they decided in the fear of their own insecurity and/or fraudulent practices that they had better keep me down
and they started throwing punches themselves and claiming it ethical treatment because I was a boxer before I came to them
and I had not told them so,
even though the blows to the head had caused me to forget.
So I am a boxer again
only this time beat down by the professionals that were supposed to help me up and that were supposed to help me be strong in this game.
The Boxer
I am a boxer, not by choice but because I have to be. I have to keep fighting to survive.
Mental illness, head injury... girl... Utah... middle child... ECN...
Extremely vulnerable fighters
who don't want to see or accept that they are vulnerable.
And this one, regardless of all these labels, is grateful for my own insanity, my own trials. Grateful to be strong enough, to be intelligent enough, and to be lucky enough to have so many things that are good and right in my life so that I can speak up and speak out and fight for fair treatment.
Not a boxer by choice. I'd rather be a lover, but I'll box until I burn out if that is the life I am meant to live
and I'll find beauty in that too.
I am having a conversation with her. Trying to explain where I have been and why this last year. Though I have been physically absent for many family activities it is mostly a psychological explanation because I obviously have been some place psychologically strange this past year.
It is interesting to me the elements that different people will pick up on in my story. She is an intellectual and has worked in research at colleges for all her career that I know of. She picks up on the way my heart felt and the surging of chemicals. She knows something about this and knows what I am saying is real and possible. She finds it somewhat fascinating how I was physically effected by what was happening to me that seemed tied to the relationship with my neuropsychologist.
-She also knows about acid because she was a real, true, Woodstock-attending-hippy back in the day. We don't talk about that today but I find myself remembering a long passed conversation with her about the affects of acid in comparison to some of the highs I would feel with my mental health conditions. This is the buried story stuff that Dr. He had helped bring to the surface and that I initially feared he had dropped me for -with an "oh shit, she is one of those," kind of realization.
Coming back to today, as I am talking to my aunt, and she is adding some insight, and I am -as I stabilize- even still settling into realizations and understandings that I have felt and explored over the months but have fought and really was not able or willing to accept.
Aunt also points out, even before I say much about it, that the investigation was likely just a decoy to get me to say and do things that they could use against me or to justify themselves should they feel they needed to. It was a set up. She seems familiar with this type of practice. I wish I could remember the exact words she used, they were much more intelligent sounding, but that is the gist of it. My sister who works in prisons has said the same thing. She is familiar with how the psychologists can twist things to their favor.
Way back when, when I was convinced I was in love with my therapist and behaving like someone who has been groomed, I remember my sister telling me the that things he said were classic manipulations straight out of a players handbook. I knew it, but couldn't believe it in spite of the evidence. I was so broken and yet I still thought I was immune to being played like that. Plus it did not seem possible in that environment, he is so sweet and charming, everyone loves him, and I trusted him so very much... and I felt things so powerfully
... including yin and yang... I remember... including "I don't know what I can trust" .... and he how he could turn me away so easily even though "you broke me" (me) "I did not mean to" (he). Even though "I've tested your brain in ways you don't even know" (he) "I know. You have even tested how I feel about you" (me) followed by no reply from he. And even though he was "okay with being wrong" about me. Those things I felt as well... it is likely important to remember, even though I would rather not believe, they may have been significant evidence of foul play...
So at this moment in time as I am looking back I feel like a boxer,
beaten, broken, and bloodied by too many cheap shots when I went to the doctors in the first place.
At first they nurtured me and they were helping me to recover
but as my strength and confidence were returning
they saw in me the reason others had taken cheap shots
and decided that maybe they better also because in their misunderstanding of me and my manic superpowers they believed, if I ever wanted, I could take them down if I were to recover to my full capacities.
They feared they were no match if I had full strength since I was seeing the holes in their treatment before I even knew what I was saying and without even realizing I was pointing them out.
So they decided in the fear of their own insecurity and/or fraudulent practices that they had better keep me down
and they started throwing punches themselves and claiming it ethical treatment because I was a boxer before I came to them
and I had not told them so,
even though the blows to the head had caused me to forget.
So I am a boxer again
only this time beat down by the professionals that were supposed to help me up and that were supposed to help me be strong in this game.
The Boxer
I am a boxer, not by choice but because I have to be. I have to keep fighting to survive.
Mental illness, head injury... girl... Utah... middle child... ECN...
Extremely vulnerable fighters
who don't want to see or accept that they are vulnerable.
And this one, regardless of all these labels, is grateful for my own insanity, my own trials. Grateful to be strong enough, to be intelligent enough, and to be lucky enough to have so many things that are good and right in my life so that I can speak up and speak out and fight for fair treatment.
Not a boxer by choice. I'd rather be a lover, but I'll box until I burn out if that is the life I am meant to live
and I'll find beauty in that too.
Patterns of Injury
My legs are deliciously sore. Because I haven't been doing my physical therapy and I have been lazy in exercising.
My new physical therapist had me stop running until we could build up the lower back and SI joint that the doctors are thinking is the real problem with my hip and locking pains. Last week I got to start running again, but only twice and at broken intervals of 2 minutes. Then he did a gate analysis on my run. I was on a treadmill so that likely made my gate different.
A few interesting things were found:
1. I am taking too long of strides and this can be problematic. This is interesting because as a competitive runner in high school it was always about lengthening your stride, but now the goal, or at least my goal is to get more steps per minute. We used a metronome to make this happen. Apparently 160 is what is best for me to decrease risk of injury.
2. I am too high. My stride that is. I am almost jumping in my stride. The more steps per minute help bring me back down so I am spending more energy going forward instead of up. This is interesting because it also reminds me of high school running when I learned to pump my arms straight, breaking the natural cross-over pattern people's arms follow when running, thus putting your energy into moving forward instead of side to side. This too high is also rather comical because... well, I am too high and needed a mood stabilizer to bring me down so that I had the energy to move forward.
3. I swing my right leg. This is very strange and I am not sure how or why I do this at the point of the gate analysis, but as I have run since I have reflected on this a bit. I feel that my injury had my foot loose like an over-stretched elastic that no longer returns to its normal size. I remember getting out of the car after the car accident that injured this ankle and feeling like one side of my body was now longer than the other. So it makes sense that while running I would feel a need to swing this longer over stretched leg. I have been doing it for so long now that it will take conscious effort to correct. This is so true of all the adaptive behaviors we do.
I have been fighting to understand my mood instabilities and discrepancies and trying to take care of it myself for so long that it is taking significant effort to correct some of these behaviors. I don't really need to work so hard to understand anymore because I think I understand it really well now but rather I need to figure out how to stop trying to figure it out because that is such a ingrained habit now. Yet that is not nearly as significant or as difficult as learning to not try to do it all on my own. That part is tricky. Especially since self reliance and independence is a highly valued trait in my culture and society.
What is also interesting about this gate problem and the correcting of it is that I am relearning things that have come very naturally to me and I used to be very talented at, but that were dramatically effected by an initially overlooked and seemingly insignificant injury that was left untreated for too long.
This is a pattern that is common in many ways and many lives.
But what I love about this new pain is that I feel muscles alive and working in ways they have not felt in a very long time. Somehow shortening my stride is making those muscles come back to life. And that makes me happy even if it also causes some pain.
My new physical therapist had me stop running until we could build up the lower back and SI joint that the doctors are thinking is the real problem with my hip and locking pains. Last week I got to start running again, but only twice and at broken intervals of 2 minutes. Then he did a gate analysis on my run. I was on a treadmill so that likely made my gate different.
A few interesting things were found:
1. I am taking too long of strides and this can be problematic. This is interesting because as a competitive runner in high school it was always about lengthening your stride, but now the goal, or at least my goal is to get more steps per minute. We used a metronome to make this happen. Apparently 160 is what is best for me to decrease risk of injury.
2. I am too high. My stride that is. I am almost jumping in my stride. The more steps per minute help bring me back down so I am spending more energy going forward instead of up. This is interesting because it also reminds me of high school running when I learned to pump my arms straight, breaking the natural cross-over pattern people's arms follow when running, thus putting your energy into moving forward instead of side to side. This too high is also rather comical because... well, I am too high and needed a mood stabilizer to bring me down so that I had the energy to move forward.
3. I swing my right leg. This is very strange and I am not sure how or why I do this at the point of the gate analysis, but as I have run since I have reflected on this a bit. I feel that my injury had my foot loose like an over-stretched elastic that no longer returns to its normal size. I remember getting out of the car after the car accident that injured this ankle and feeling like one side of my body was now longer than the other. So it makes sense that while running I would feel a need to swing this longer over stretched leg. I have been doing it for so long now that it will take conscious effort to correct. This is so true of all the adaptive behaviors we do.
I have been fighting to understand my mood instabilities and discrepancies and trying to take care of it myself for so long that it is taking significant effort to correct some of these behaviors. I don't really need to work so hard to understand anymore because I think I understand it really well now but rather I need to figure out how to stop trying to figure it out because that is such a ingrained habit now. Yet that is not nearly as significant or as difficult as learning to not try to do it all on my own. That part is tricky. Especially since self reliance and independence is a highly valued trait in my culture and society.
What is also interesting about this gate problem and the correcting of it is that I am relearning things that have come very naturally to me and I used to be very talented at, but that were dramatically effected by an initially overlooked and seemingly insignificant injury that was left untreated for too long.
This is a pattern that is common in many ways and many lives.
But what I love about this new pain is that I feel muscles alive and working in ways they have not felt in a very long time. Somehow shortening my stride is making those muscles come back to life. And that makes me happy even if it also causes some pain.
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