Hearts and heads and husbands
these things are so hard to keep straight
My heart wants to be there for my cousin
my head says it is impractical
and my husband says he supports whatever decision I make
but my heart doesn't want to use and abuse him -it's impractical and costly at this point-
my head doesn't want to either and my head says it's impractical but still maybe important
and my heart
is treacherous half of the time
it has betrayed me and my husband before
so...
how on earth does a person ever come to a decision on such important matters as
loving ones cousin and hoping for them to feel that love? and to know how cherished they really are in spite of time and distance?
...and yet (and of course) the situation is much more complex than I can explain here or maybe even at all.
Our garbage can doesn't know the answer either.
I could not even beat an answer out of it
but it did not mind the beating at all
I am glad for that massive blue bin
provided to us by the city
it will take a beating and doesn't mind at all.
it even makes a pleasant sound letting me know it is happy to take it.
It probably feels a bit alive as I forcefully kick the complicated and perplexing energy of life into it,
...this big blue inanimate insentient can.
...Last night husband opened up about his anger, confusion, frustration, shame, and betrayal, from the previous months (now about a year) of my treacherous heart...
He has handled it heroic, for sure...
But how does one ever make decisions with a treacherous heart, a brain that breaks, and emotions that feel far too intensely?
Thursday, October 31, 2019
Tuesday, October 29, 2019
Artificial Intelligence
I am tired.
Working but on break.
Sometimes I get requests for answers on Quora.com so I visit there periodically and read what others have to say. I am shocked and amazed at some of the experiences people have. I am appalled at the way countertransference and/or a therapists feelings toward clients are handled by so many. I am surprised to hear how far people have gone into these places.
It is so strange.
It is strange to hear the similarities and differences. At times I can see and understand why ex-therapist Dr. He would avoid me and treat me like the plaque. But the problem is I am not those people and I am also not the plague. And if I am those people then that is just further evidence of how he screwed up or was screwing with me intentionally.
One thing I am struck with is the intensity of emotion people feel in therapy and the strange detached sympathetic apathy the therapist is somehow supposed to feel and maintain. I don't understand this and something feels very wrong about it.
I see that the environment is artificial and quite fantastic in it's make up so it is not surprising that people who are looking for real help to real problems in their real realities can get so turned upside down.
It is not a real environment.
It may be something more like LARPing really. If you are not familiar with that term LARP refers to Live Action Role Play.
I think it would likely be beneficial if therapists would disclose this from the beginning.
A disclaimer
something like: "It is important for you to know and remember that this is an artificial environment designed for you to discuss and work through your issues, but it is not real nor reality. So remember no matter how close you may feel to me and no matter the intensity of your emotions toward me they are not real and they are not reciprocated. They are artificial and so am I" maybe to be followed up with, "no matter how much you may think you feel it I do not actually love you and you are simply a paycheck to me."
I think that would have been much more helpful than, "I will never have anything to do with you outside of therapy because I could see myself falling in love with you." That statement and others just intensified the extremely intense and apparently artificial emotions and connection I was feeling. And then denying it and being unwilling to clarify or allow me clarification, to tackle the situation for what it was just reinforced the fantasy when I was in a pretty fantastic place already.
Then it starts to appear that it was a worst case scenario.
Could it be that he really could not handle me and he would use me and abuse me no matter what? Could it be that he really had feelings but knew all the stuff I am reading and so then convinced himself that I am a statistic and not a human? Or was he actually intentionally grooming? The way it was handled suggests that it was.
And the thing is, this therapeutic environment was not a typical one, I was just there to address head injury, we never even got into anything deep or very personal.
This therapy creature is a bit scary.
Working but on break.
Sometimes I get requests for answers on Quora.com so I visit there periodically and read what others have to say. I am shocked and amazed at some of the experiences people have. I am appalled at the way countertransference and/or a therapists feelings toward clients are handled by so many. I am surprised to hear how far people have gone into these places.
It is so strange.
It is strange to hear the similarities and differences. At times I can see and understand why ex-therapist Dr. He would avoid me and treat me like the plaque. But the problem is I am not those people and I am also not the plague. And if I am those people then that is just further evidence of how he screwed up or was screwing with me intentionally.
One thing I am struck with is the intensity of emotion people feel in therapy and the strange detached sympathetic apathy the therapist is somehow supposed to feel and maintain. I don't understand this and something feels very wrong about it.
I see that the environment is artificial and quite fantastic in it's make up so it is not surprising that people who are looking for real help to real problems in their real realities can get so turned upside down.
It is not a real environment.
It may be something more like LARPing really. If you are not familiar with that term LARP refers to Live Action Role Play.
I think it would likely be beneficial if therapists would disclose this from the beginning.
A disclaimer
something like: "It is important for you to know and remember that this is an artificial environment designed for you to discuss and work through your issues, but it is not real nor reality. So remember no matter how close you may feel to me and no matter the intensity of your emotions toward me they are not real and they are not reciprocated. They are artificial and so am I" maybe to be followed up with, "no matter how much you may think you feel it I do not actually love you and you are simply a paycheck to me."
I think that would have been much more helpful than, "I will never have anything to do with you outside of therapy because I could see myself falling in love with you." That statement and others just intensified the extremely intense and apparently artificial emotions and connection I was feeling. And then denying it and being unwilling to clarify or allow me clarification, to tackle the situation for what it was just reinforced the fantasy when I was in a pretty fantastic place already.
Then it starts to appear that it was a worst case scenario.
Could it be that he really could not handle me and he would use me and abuse me no matter what? Could it be that he really had feelings but knew all the stuff I am reading and so then convinced himself that I am a statistic and not a human? Or was he actually intentionally grooming? The way it was handled suggests that it was.
And the thing is, this therapeutic environment was not a typical one, I was just there to address head injury, we never even got into anything deep or very personal.
This therapy creature is a bit scary.
Monday, October 28, 2019
Shattered Worlds
Life is too short
and so very tragic
how is it our worlds can be shattered so many times?
and we have to keep picking up the pieces. Keep going...
my cousins
Oh, my beautiful cousins
only two on my mom's side
...but now we are down to one...
And my cousin, his sister,
I know how her heart breaks
only she has no other siblings to help her pick up her pieces and survive
and no mom either
her mom is the one who died falling from the sky when my one remaining cousin was one.
How our worlds can be shattered.
we all go through it
but some more than others.
....my head hurt before,
it really hurts now
But my heart is strong now for the survivors
Life is too short...
Please God, love my cousin and help him to find his mom and his cousin (my own brother) in heaven or wherever they hide.
Please God, help and watch over our sweet beautiful cousin whose heart is broken and breaking and feels so very left alone...
Words
they only fall short
...yet silence can be so much worse...
Sunday, October 27, 2019
a different person.
Twice today I am told, "you are a different person" in a good way. I am hearing this a lot lately.
I am.
And I am not.
I am happy to hear this and I am happy I can talk about things without the flood of tears that had been accompanying way too frequently.
I am glad that I feel so much more level and rational on a more consistent basis.
I am happy about it and motivated.
I come home and take care of some things I have been needing to get more consistent about. I edit an essay and offer revisions. I find myself looking at the process of applying to a graduate program.
I find it a bit hard to focus on reading things like what I need to read to figure that kind of stuff out.
Maybe it is just because I am out of practice.
So I keep going knowing it will get easier.
It does.
But really it does not.
My head starts to feel swimmy and it all starts to feel like a giant load of ... fake
Games
foolishness.
Maybe because I am trying to read about the professors of psychology and their interests of studies and how to get into a PhD program with them.
It is silliness and ego
and maybe I am too jaded for this field now.
But the real problem is that this intense focus is making my head hurt and feel swimmy. So I stop. I am shaky. Very shaky.
I am sensing frustration from my husband. Our kids need to help out more.
I try to get them going with helping to take care of stuff. My son pushes back, for no good reason, probably just because he is a kid and that is what they so often do...
But I explode. I am yelling at him.
... Now my husband is even more annoyed and my head is swimmy and my ears are ringing and so shaky and I don't understand why. I begin to cry because I can't keep up, because I want so badly to do these curricular things but I don't know if I am actually physically capable.
I am a different person but my cognitive stamina is not... It is still too low for me.
And the yelling and crying is just further evidence of that.
I will try to get more sleep, eat less sugar and adjust a few things in hopes that tomorrow it will be better... But it is hard to accept and I don't want to.
It is especially hard because I don't have my "head injury expert" team to help me figure this out...
"there is something pathological to that" says Dr. Concussion the last time I saw her.
"pathological? explain," I ask. She does and to it I say, "Thank you for recognizing that."
But she still would not see or help me. She tells me she will help me find a new team. But then her response two weeks later when I followed up was she could not find one with the qualifications I need so I should just go through my insurance and have the wrist doctor refer to the neurologist. My insurance and others say go to them but the problem is they will not see me because of my "previous undisclosed" pathology that I was trying to show them and explain the whole time.
...
They refuse to see me and treat me but they continue to bill.
How on earth can this be ethical and okay?
It's not.
but I have no voice and no rights and no protection.
And that is why I will keep talking.
I'm tired.
but strangely hopeful again
as I have written it out to speak out.
I am.
And I am not.
I am happy to hear this and I am happy I can talk about things without the flood of tears that had been accompanying way too frequently.
I am glad that I feel so much more level and rational on a more consistent basis.
I am happy about it and motivated.
I come home and take care of some things I have been needing to get more consistent about. I edit an essay and offer revisions. I find myself looking at the process of applying to a graduate program.
I find it a bit hard to focus on reading things like what I need to read to figure that kind of stuff out.
Maybe it is just because I am out of practice.
So I keep going knowing it will get easier.
It does.
But really it does not.
My head starts to feel swimmy and it all starts to feel like a giant load of ... fake
Games
foolishness.
Maybe because I am trying to read about the professors of psychology and their interests of studies and how to get into a PhD program with them.
It is silliness and ego
and maybe I am too jaded for this field now.
But the real problem is that this intense focus is making my head hurt and feel swimmy. So I stop. I am shaky. Very shaky.
I am sensing frustration from my husband. Our kids need to help out more.
I try to get them going with helping to take care of stuff. My son pushes back, for no good reason, probably just because he is a kid and that is what they so often do...
But I explode. I am yelling at him.
... Now my husband is even more annoyed and my head is swimmy and my ears are ringing and so shaky and I don't understand why. I begin to cry because I can't keep up, because I want so badly to do these curricular things but I don't know if I am actually physically capable.
I am a different person but my cognitive stamina is not... It is still too low for me.
And the yelling and crying is just further evidence of that.
I will try to get more sleep, eat less sugar and adjust a few things in hopes that tomorrow it will be better... But it is hard to accept and I don't want to.
It is especially hard because I don't have my "head injury expert" team to help me figure this out...
"there is something pathological to that" says Dr. Concussion the last time I saw her.
"pathological? explain," I ask. She does and to it I say, "Thank you for recognizing that."
But she still would not see or help me. She tells me she will help me find a new team. But then her response two weeks later when I followed up was she could not find one with the qualifications I need so I should just go through my insurance and have the wrist doctor refer to the neurologist. My insurance and others say go to them but the problem is they will not see me because of my "previous undisclosed" pathology that I was trying to show them and explain the whole time.
...
They refuse to see me and treat me but they continue to bill.
How on earth can this be ethical and okay?
It's not.
but I have no voice and no rights and no protection.
And that is why I will keep talking.
I'm tired.
but strangely hopeful again
as I have written it out to speak out.
Saturday, October 26, 2019
Why do our hearts betray us?
There other day, at physical therapy, I talked with a beautiful lady whose fun, short, wavy, perfect hair I was coveting. She told me she hacked it because she is going through a divorce and in her bright blue eyes that can't hide her pain I saw pieces of me.
Hacking hair as a way to severe -almost literally- the attachments to boys who did not value. That was a pattern of my past that I did not really think was a pattern until I saw a mirror of me in this lovely lady.
That was something interesting, but the thing I saw in her that stirred me the most was her pain as she spoke of her exes. This lady loves and loves deeply. She is beautiful, lively and fun. But she is also in deep heart-wrenching pain. I know the pain. I can see it in her and I know it but I cannot feel it right now. I cannot allow myself to feel it again. I will not. I cannot take her pain and I know this, so I don't try to.
Instead I want her to feel the love I think she deserves to feel but I can't give that either because it is not my place and I am not the person for the job anyway.
Heartbreaking.
And I am struck with confounding wonder about our hearts that are so treacherous at times.
How is it we can love and be hurt so deeply?
How is it our human hearts can love so deeply and completely somebody who does not return it?
We are told to trust our heart but I am beginning to wonder if this is very smart, as treacherous as they can be.
They betray us.
Why?
This is so confusing to me.
Like the way that it felt like a dagger puncturing and twisting so many times over so many months.
How do we survive?
Our bodies are so strong and resilient
and yet I am positive these breaks take there toll.
I hope this beautiful lady finds a love that will last and bring joy that is equal or better than the pain she is feeling right now. ..and yet if she does, eventually one will be lost at very least to the process of mortality and then a heart will be deeply wounded again. Which is probably the real reason no one lives forever in these mortal frames.
May our hearts be settled in forever and until then I pray they may bare the burdens of breaking, time and again.
And I pray we will be kind to each other.
Write a book
Write a book.
Write a book
It is a request I have heard a lot lately
Requests for a book about TBI- concussion
Requests for a book about transference and countertransference
Requests for a book about my therapist either grooming or falling for me and me exploding into a million amazingly managed manic pieces
Requests for a book on mental health
I want to.
But I also kind of already have
at least twice
one here on this blog
and one in my own report of myself, the flooding of memories and other processing that mostly was written in that first two weeks of my breaking.
So I am going back and reading some of what I have written trying to figure how I can meet those requests with a product that is quality enough to be published.
... I have books but they are not typical, in a typical pattern. That maybe could make it interesting but I also see, as I read about me, that I have been repeating a lot of the same stuff while stuck in my loop of insanity and working so hard not to be.
Looking back and reading is funny, interesting, embarrassing, annoying in my ruminating, infuriating, and probably a whole lot of other ings.
One thing I surely am is terrifying.
So intense. So deep. I'd be scared of me too. Wait, sometimes I am.
But it is also incredibly comical and some of the poetic intensities that have come out of me are so very amusing because I kind of don't think I am really like that and yet I am. Some make me really laugh because I can't believe that it came out of me at all; so angry and scary, or deep and disturbing. To me it is funny it is me because it's really not me and I'd rather be funny anyway. Not angry, scary, deep or disturbing.
Laugh and the world laughs with you.... unless you are bipolarish and have had a TBI then, unfortunately my friend, you will often laugh alone in your broken, deep, and fallible ways.
But at least someone is laughing.
Write a book
It is a request I have heard a lot lately
Requests for a book about TBI- concussion
Requests for a book about transference and countertransference
Requests for a book about my therapist either grooming or falling for me and me exploding into a million amazingly managed manic pieces
Requests for a book on mental health
I want to.
But I also kind of already have
at least twice
one here on this blog
and one in my own report of myself, the flooding of memories and other processing that mostly was written in that first two weeks of my breaking.
So I am going back and reading some of what I have written trying to figure how I can meet those requests with a product that is quality enough to be published.
... I have books but they are not typical, in a typical pattern. That maybe could make it interesting but I also see, as I read about me, that I have been repeating a lot of the same stuff while stuck in my loop of insanity and working so hard not to be.
Looking back and reading is funny, interesting, embarrassing, annoying in my ruminating, infuriating, and probably a whole lot of other ings.
One thing I surely am is terrifying.
So intense. So deep. I'd be scared of me too. Wait, sometimes I am.
But it is also incredibly comical and some of the poetic intensities that have come out of me are so very amusing because I kind of don't think I am really like that and yet I am. Some make me really laugh because I can't believe that it came out of me at all; so angry and scary, or deep and disturbing. To me it is funny it is me because it's really not me and I'd rather be funny anyway. Not angry, scary, deep or disturbing.
Laugh and the world laughs with you.... unless you are bipolarish and have had a TBI then, unfortunately my friend, you will often laugh alone in your broken, deep, and fallible ways.
But at least someone is laughing.
Friday, October 25, 2019
Realities, and Writing out a Headache
Every trial, trauma and/or experience in life seems to have little -and big- side effects that those who have not been through it or similar have no idea of or would not expect.
While headache is probably not a surprising effect of TBI, headaches like todays are especially annoying to me and because of my TBI experiences I find myself maybe more concerned and annoyed than I may need to be.
So I thought I'd try and write out my headache or at least the annoyance with it.
It is pushing on my eyes and making me tired and irritable.
I want to sleep but I cannot because my head also wants to solve and understand why and what is really best to do about this particular kind of headache - a new kind of headache. I feel only slight pain and pressure but I feel a bit funny and slightly disoriented. My vision is slightly strange but not blurry or spinning just slightly weird in a way I don't know how to explain. One deep breath seems to help but as I finish releasing the breath the headache feels more intense and more deep breaths seem to deepen the pain. ...
I think todays may be linked to too many nights of taking my medicine and going to bed later than I should. The medication was doing a pretty good job of knocking me out within about 30 minutes of taking it. This has made me not want to take it until my kids had gotten home and were at least close to getting to bed. My kids are teens and my daughter is dancing until 10 pm some nights. Then she comes home and wants to do homework or is taking too much time winding down when she needs to be up at 5 am for her extracurriculars she is determined to do. My son just won't follow through and takes about two hours to get ready for bed. My husband is a night owl and the irresponsibility my children have developed with getting to bed and getting enough sleep I can definitely pin on him (I say this not angry but rather humorously annoyed)... though I'll admit I have gotten more lax. So I am struggling with the balance here since if I take the medication too late it is extremely hard to get up in the morning and the medication is not knocking me out as quickly anymore. My mind is up wandering later than it should be. I do believe this nightly mind wandering could now be a habit formed from the racing thoughts I had to endure for too long.
I think this,
and I want answers. I want to be able to ask the professionals.
But those who I started this TBI journey with me have abandoned me with the blame for my ex-neuropsychologists indiscretions. The experts I have now do not have the equivalent training or expertise in TBI. My new neuropsychologist might comes close and in some ways I am certain she is much better, but the psychiatric PA is just that and though she wanted me to have a neurologist or physiatrist to over see the TBI stuff she cannot get me into any her company is affiliated with, which may be due to insurance, and the other suggestion her companies schedulers made is...dah, dah, dah... the damned Neuroscience Institute -who refuses to treat me because I have been defamed and labeled unjustifiably. And all for what?
So my tired headache is exacerbated by my inability to get any answers and I guess for most people their ailments are this way. I believe more and more and especially after so many conversations with so many people that our medical industry is full of egotistical fraudulent money grubbers...
So in reality I maybe should credit myself with being a true expert in the industry because I seem to know better than they do.
If the definition of mania is what it is, it does not matter their opinion or why they missed or dismissed diagnosing, that is what I was and the chemistry and shit I have endured ever since has been absolutely exacerbated by the way they did and did not treat me.
I struggle to let go because, since I was a child, I been an advocate for justice and others and I know in this they need to be held accountable or they at least need to learn and improve because they are being ignorant and unintelligent, bias, discriminatory and deliberately harmful in a field where those traits and actions are not at all okay.
Am I judging? Yes, I am, because I know what happened to me and how easily it could have been avoided if they had not so quickly and arrogantly or ignorantly misjudged me and then continually tried to dismiss me because they felt I was a liability or not worth their time and effort.
I am labeling too. I see that also, but bad milk by any other name would smell just as sour, so I am calling it what it is after being too kind and forgiving, and putting so much faith in them....
...I am afraid I might be getting sucked into the rabbit hole again.
so time to get out... via a flashback memory?
"because I will just keep coming back, trying to kick the door down" one of the last things I said to him, begging him not to shut the door completely on me. It was an instinctive response that came out of my mouth not knowing what I was saying or why. But I did know, without any doubt, that I still needed him and his expertise. I was heading to Italy in exactly 7 days, just me and my kids for the first week and a half, and the discussion I asked him for I could not actually allow or even comprehend because of the condition I was in. It hurt too bad and I needed to keep some strength just then.
What I needed Dr. He to see and understand was not that I loved him or that he could possibly get into trouble for loving or grooming me, I needed him to see that I was high and unstable, with flooding and racing thoughts. I needed him to see the intensity and I needed to know what it was from and what to do about it. He made it about him and I trusted him professionally and personally so then, deep in me, it also became about him. Manic was compounded and became much more complex because now it was all about him when initially it was about me and it was supposed to be. I also initially thought it had more to do with head injury, but he would not see or agree, personally or professionally. Can you see how this would mess with me? Mistakes I was fine to forgive, but he was not fine to admit.
Embarrassed, no doubt,
but is that fair to, on me, take it out?
Don't take out your embarrassment on the embarrassment. It's like craping on crapped in pants. Or was he simply wiping his ass and throwing away the pants that he accidentally shat in? Oh my, I have gotten of track with junior high or lower level potty humor... This it the kind of stuff I probably should take out but I'm going to leave because it is so stupid it becomes funny to me.
... and so as I am writing
my headache is subsiding
remembering how much I really do understand
breathing is settling
my thoughts are finding
the simple solutions at hand.
And I will be okay
alive another day
and living a life that's quite grand
I am glad for my struggles
over those of others
and I am happy with the progress I have made.
(even if I am shat in pants)
A headache will go away
or come back to destroy my days
but either way
life is a grand adventure and I love that I get to live it!
(because pants can be washed, you know)
While headache is probably not a surprising effect of TBI, headaches like todays are especially annoying to me and because of my TBI experiences I find myself maybe more concerned and annoyed than I may need to be.
So I thought I'd try and write out my headache or at least the annoyance with it.
It is pushing on my eyes and making me tired and irritable.
I want to sleep but I cannot because my head also wants to solve and understand why and what is really best to do about this particular kind of headache - a new kind of headache. I feel only slight pain and pressure but I feel a bit funny and slightly disoriented. My vision is slightly strange but not blurry or spinning just slightly weird in a way I don't know how to explain. One deep breath seems to help but as I finish releasing the breath the headache feels more intense and more deep breaths seem to deepen the pain. ...
I think todays may be linked to too many nights of taking my medicine and going to bed later than I should. The medication was doing a pretty good job of knocking me out within about 30 minutes of taking it. This has made me not want to take it until my kids had gotten home and were at least close to getting to bed. My kids are teens and my daughter is dancing until 10 pm some nights. Then she comes home and wants to do homework or is taking too much time winding down when she needs to be up at 5 am for her extracurriculars she is determined to do. My son just won't follow through and takes about two hours to get ready for bed. My husband is a night owl and the irresponsibility my children have developed with getting to bed and getting enough sleep I can definitely pin on him (I say this not angry but rather humorously annoyed)... though I'll admit I have gotten more lax. So I am struggling with the balance here since if I take the medication too late it is extremely hard to get up in the morning and the medication is not knocking me out as quickly anymore. My mind is up wandering later than it should be. I do believe this nightly mind wandering could now be a habit formed from the racing thoughts I had to endure for too long.
I think this,
and I want answers. I want to be able to ask the professionals.
But those who I started this TBI journey with me have abandoned me with the blame for my ex-neuropsychologists indiscretions. The experts I have now do not have the equivalent training or expertise in TBI. My new neuropsychologist might comes close and in some ways I am certain she is much better, but the psychiatric PA is just that and though she wanted me to have a neurologist or physiatrist to over see the TBI stuff she cannot get me into any her company is affiliated with, which may be due to insurance, and the other suggestion her companies schedulers made is...dah, dah, dah... the damned Neuroscience Institute -who refuses to treat me because I have been defamed and labeled unjustifiably. And all for what?
So my tired headache is exacerbated by my inability to get any answers and I guess for most people their ailments are this way. I believe more and more and especially after so many conversations with so many people that our medical industry is full of egotistical fraudulent money grubbers...
So in reality I maybe should credit myself with being a true expert in the industry because I seem to know better than they do.
If the definition of mania is what it is, it does not matter their opinion or why they missed or dismissed diagnosing, that is what I was and the chemistry and shit I have endured ever since has been absolutely exacerbated by the way they did and did not treat me.
I struggle to let go because, since I was a child, I been an advocate for justice and others and I know in this they need to be held accountable or they at least need to learn and improve because they are being ignorant and unintelligent, bias, discriminatory and deliberately harmful in a field where those traits and actions are not at all okay.
Am I judging? Yes, I am, because I know what happened to me and how easily it could have been avoided if they had not so quickly and arrogantly or ignorantly misjudged me and then continually tried to dismiss me because they felt I was a liability or not worth their time and effort.
I am labeling too. I see that also, but bad milk by any other name would smell just as sour, so I am calling it what it is after being too kind and forgiving, and putting so much faith in them....
...I am afraid I might be getting sucked into the rabbit hole again.
so time to get out... via a flashback memory?
"because I will just keep coming back, trying to kick the door down" one of the last things I said to him, begging him not to shut the door completely on me. It was an instinctive response that came out of my mouth not knowing what I was saying or why. But I did know, without any doubt, that I still needed him and his expertise. I was heading to Italy in exactly 7 days, just me and my kids for the first week and a half, and the discussion I asked him for I could not actually allow or even comprehend because of the condition I was in. It hurt too bad and I needed to keep some strength just then.
What I needed Dr. He to see and understand was not that I loved him or that he could possibly get into trouble for loving or grooming me, I needed him to see that I was high and unstable, with flooding and racing thoughts. I needed him to see the intensity and I needed to know what it was from and what to do about it. He made it about him and I trusted him professionally and personally so then, deep in me, it also became about him. Manic was compounded and became much more complex because now it was all about him when initially it was about me and it was supposed to be. I also initially thought it had more to do with head injury, but he would not see or agree, personally or professionally. Can you see how this would mess with me? Mistakes I was fine to forgive, but he was not fine to admit.
Embarrassed, no doubt,
but is that fair to, on me, take it out?
Don't take out your embarrassment on the embarrassment. It's like craping on crapped in pants. Or was he simply wiping his ass and throwing away the pants that he accidentally shat in? Oh my, I have gotten of track with junior high or lower level potty humor... This it the kind of stuff I probably should take out but I'm going to leave because it is so stupid it becomes funny to me.
... and so as I am writing
my headache is subsiding
remembering how much I really do understand
breathing is settling
my thoughts are finding
the simple solutions at hand.
And I will be okay
alive another day
and living a life that's quite grand
I am glad for my struggles
over those of others
and I am happy with the progress I have made.
(even if I am shat in pants)
A headache will go away
or come back to destroy my days
but either way
life is a grand adventure and I love that I get to live it!
(because pants can be washed, you know)
Thursday, October 24, 2019
High as a Kite
"She's sooo highhh, high above me she's so lovely."
Sometimes I feel as high as a kite
it just isn't right
but what do I do?
shaky and high
Probably why I was such a good runner in high school. I held school records.
I want to run now
but it is much harder these days
because age and my regular lazy phase
make injuries happen easily
plus I am still healing
it is pretty ridiculous how prolonged the healing of the ankle and back and hip are
but it is likely because I pushed it too hard too many times in the initial healing stages
push crash
push crash
head injury is so lovely
or is it just me
just how I am?
I don't know
I just know that right now I feel high again
similar to normal me high that is not manic and stuff
but different because I am shaky and sometimes a bit scared that I am flying too high yet again.
In my younger years this problem was also a blessing because it kept me form drugs, drinking and other bad stuff, because I sure didn't need any help getting high and screwing myself up. It happens so naturally with brain injury. Is that an advantage or dis?
I don't know again but it is kind of funny on one hand or two.
So high I fly and I don't know why
but fun for the faint of heart
to Work I must go and keep it contained -sometimes so much easier said then done
but hi ho hi ho it's off to work I go and
people will think more things of me that just aren't true
because I can't quite explain
though I manifest far different then the plain
that I am
Sometimes I feel as high as a kite
it just isn't right
but what do I do?
shaky and high
Probably why I was such a good runner in high school. I held school records.
I want to run now
but it is much harder these days
because age and my regular lazy phase
make injuries happen easily
plus I am still healing
it is pretty ridiculous how prolonged the healing of the ankle and back and hip are
but it is likely because I pushed it too hard too many times in the initial healing stages
push crash
push crash
head injury is so lovely
or is it just me
just how I am?
I don't know
I just know that right now I feel high again
similar to normal me high that is not manic and stuff
but different because I am shaky and sometimes a bit scared that I am flying too high yet again.
In my younger years this problem was also a blessing because it kept me form drugs, drinking and other bad stuff, because I sure didn't need any help getting high and screwing myself up. It happens so naturally with brain injury. Is that an advantage or dis?
I don't know again but it is kind of funny on one hand or two.
So high I fly and I don't know why
but fun for the faint of heart
to Work I must go and keep it contained -sometimes so much easier said then done
but hi ho hi ho it's off to work I go and
people will think more things of me that just aren't true
because I can't quite explain
though I manifest far different then the plain
that I am
Wednesday, October 23, 2019
Actions speak loudly. So does neglect and stonewalling
I'm still dragging my feet...
and I am sad and scared
I am sad because of all of it
I am scared because I don't know what to expect from myself and what is realistic for me. I am scared because my brain and chemistry got so very messed up and I felt it so very intense for so long but I was ignored and disregarded and punished, branded and vilified for being honest and managing or presenting well when I was quite broken. For doing exactly what the therapist are hoping to help people accomplish.
I am scared because I know mental illness does not get better with age. I am scared because I have been so discarded and disregarded by the professional that should know how to handle me.
I am scared because my brain still malfunctions.
I know I am not alone and I am likely better off then even the completely stable because I am so aware of my holes and my flaws. I will be able to see the breaks and crises's coming as I age, when for them it will come as a surprise with little experience to know how to manage.
So that is a good thing for me.
But what do I do about the professionals that abused? I think I can't just let this slide, because new dear friends of mine almost died... from similar neglect, stigmatizing and misdiagnosis.
But tired this battle makes my head.
and tired so many other things also
so slow I will continue to go
not knowing what and why
but proceeding with what was laid out
I am sad to say that they treated me that way because it really makes it appear that dear Perri was grooming.
I can tell you just how a psychologist might get his patient to take off their clothes without it seeming it was ever their suggestion. I can tell you this because I did not but from what I have read and what I have experienced and then the way that he hid and manipulated to make it look as though I was pursuing. The patient advocate, **, (I will refrain from adding the not so nice adjectives that I feel right now) said that I am "quite creative" but the thing is (and if you have seen my art then you know) that I really am not, I was simply relaying what happened. I can tell you how now because I see, with the exception of me, how his words and his actions would work very easily on other women who had head injury and presented the way that I had.
Why am I the exception? For many reasons, but ironically, number one is the very thing he could have banked on to make easy progress; TBI. He forgot or did not realize that mine I have been handling since I was 12 years old. I had worked very hard with, high moral standards, to gain and stay in control of my emotions and inhibitions and part of how I do that is by talking and being far too open and honest in the places I know it won't be missed (email, in this case). I have also always been easily comfortable with men and, broken the way I was from relationships and neglect, I did not perceive myself as a women that men would find attractive enough to act on. Which could have made me a more prime target yet also could be why his plans backfired, I internalize and accept responsibility blaming myself for far too much far too often, so by bringing to light just how I had broken I brought to light his transgressions without even knowing I was...
Sadly it is a possibility that at this point should not be disregarded.... I know because no one who loves you and is supposed to be your protector, not because of personal but professional obligations, would ever treat a person or allow a person to be treated the way that I have been treated.... I also know because how I was effected. Some stuff I have not shared here and maybe with nobody, because it is to profound, wrong, and confusing.
And I hate that I am going to have to keep remembering and telling myself these things to make it through this final stretch and make sure they are somehow help accountable.
No one should ever have to endure the months of crazy, abuse, neglect, hurt, and unstable when the problem and solution could have been addressed so simply and easily at the beginning but was not simply because they did not want to admit or be held accountable for their mistakes.
and I am sad and scared
I am sad because of all of it
I am scared because I don't know what to expect from myself and what is realistic for me. I am scared because my brain and chemistry got so very messed up and I felt it so very intense for so long but I was ignored and disregarded and punished, branded and vilified for being honest and managing or presenting well when I was quite broken. For doing exactly what the therapist are hoping to help people accomplish.
I am scared because I know mental illness does not get better with age. I am scared because I have been so discarded and disregarded by the professional that should know how to handle me.
I am scared because my brain still malfunctions.
I know I am not alone and I am likely better off then even the completely stable because I am so aware of my holes and my flaws. I will be able to see the breaks and crises's coming as I age, when for them it will come as a surprise with little experience to know how to manage.
So that is a good thing for me.
But what do I do about the professionals that abused? I think I can't just let this slide, because new dear friends of mine almost died... from similar neglect, stigmatizing and misdiagnosis.
But tired this battle makes my head.
and tired so many other things also
so slow I will continue to go
not knowing what and why
but proceeding with what was laid out
I am sad to say that they treated me that way because it really makes it appear that dear Perri was grooming.
I can tell you just how a psychologist might get his patient to take off their clothes without it seeming it was ever their suggestion. I can tell you this because I did not but from what I have read and what I have experienced and then the way that he hid and manipulated to make it look as though I was pursuing. The patient advocate, **, (I will refrain from adding the not so nice adjectives that I feel right now) said that I am "quite creative" but the thing is (and if you have seen my art then you know) that I really am not, I was simply relaying what happened. I can tell you how now because I see, with the exception of me, how his words and his actions would work very easily on other women who had head injury and presented the way that I had.
Why am I the exception? For many reasons, but ironically, number one is the very thing he could have banked on to make easy progress; TBI. He forgot or did not realize that mine I have been handling since I was 12 years old. I had worked very hard with, high moral standards, to gain and stay in control of my emotions and inhibitions and part of how I do that is by talking and being far too open and honest in the places I know it won't be missed (email, in this case). I have also always been easily comfortable with men and, broken the way I was from relationships and neglect, I did not perceive myself as a women that men would find attractive enough to act on. Which could have made me a more prime target yet also could be why his plans backfired, I internalize and accept responsibility blaming myself for far too much far too often, so by bringing to light just how I had broken I brought to light his transgressions without even knowing I was...
Sadly it is a possibility that at this point should not be disregarded.... I know because no one who loves you and is supposed to be your protector, not because of personal but professional obligations, would ever treat a person or allow a person to be treated the way that I have been treated.... I also know because how I was effected. Some stuff I have not shared here and maybe with nobody, because it is to profound, wrong, and confusing.
And I hate that I am going to have to keep remembering and telling myself these things to make it through this final stretch and make sure they are somehow help accountable.
No one should ever have to endure the months of crazy, abuse, neglect, hurt, and unstable when the problem and solution could have been addressed so simply and easily at the beginning but was not simply because they did not want to admit or be held accountable for their mistakes.
Tuesday, October 22, 2019
A thing or two about yesterday
Yesterday I wrote three entries and this is interesting because my intensity/chemistry has settled significantly, which historically (in the last 11 months of this blog) only has happened on days that I have felt too intense and the processing was a very needed relief.
I am not sure if yesterday was just more needed then I realized or if the scenarios I was processing seemed significant and important to my rational brain.
I really don't want to analyze it too deeply, all three entries helped me process very quickly things that I am trying to deal with and handle.
But a bit of fill-in might be helpful to followers and the industry of blasphemy itself (or at least those in it that are not actually blasphemous).
Off-putting, I already explained, came form a conversation with a friend but I want it to be very clear that it was simply a term that I grabbed hold of and my brain took artistic liberties with because it seemed to fit in with my processing and something I have long been unable to pinpoint, so the exploration of that word and how it ties to me had little (to nothing) to do with my friend and our conversation.
*side note: today Dr. She and I talked about off-putting and she wanted me to think of the opposite. It'd be something like appeasing and (she suggested) it can even at times be deceiving; so off-putting is often necessary honesty.
I also reached out to one of the people who has much more voice and influence than I and said he disagreed with, "IHC can do what they want." He felt he might be able to help find someone who will hold them accountable. He gave me a number and some hope... but that hope led to the second entry about how difficult it is to proceed.
But then, going onto my email to get that number, I saw that a different lawyer I had reached out to had responded and as I read about how "Unfortunately, as a result of these "tort reform efforts" fewer and fewer people are able to recover for their injuries, and negligent healthcare providers escape responsibility-even in serious cases such as yours."
I am sure the paragraph this is pulled from is a stock answer and who knows if they think anything serious, however I know what I have been through and how I was treated and I know that the patient advocate and the team that had branded me must also have known how easily they would be off the hook, so that really hit hard and I was feeling quite low, again with the feelings of "lets really drive her worthlessness home."
But fortunately their is a God in heaven and at some point yesterday I noticed my Instagram request to the lady I was afraid had lost her battle was answered and my following accepted. So somehow in that hit down I also found a message directly from her and I know that she is still alive, not doing so well, but alive and trying again to heal once again.
The hit was still hard -but good news to ease some - I took once again to blogging and in "Solved" I did just that, lots of solving. I apologize for my language though I am leaving it their because the authenticity of that moment of rapid processing and healing has its place and anger is what pulled me through quickly this time. Okay, that coupled with the miracles of modern medicine.
So there you are, even anger has it's place, just ask the merchants who got thrown out of the temple by the only perfect being who has walked this earth.
And I am glad I do have a team that, though new and a bit confused by the trouble the old stupid teams has caused me, are helping me to keep getting back up.
Knocked down 100 times get up 101!
Oh thank you Chumbawamba
and I think I have to add this song that followed
...because for a moment in time, I am fairly certain this was me and it makes me smile. (but not high)
She's so high
I am not sure if yesterday was just more needed then I realized or if the scenarios I was processing seemed significant and important to my rational brain.
I really don't want to analyze it too deeply, all three entries helped me process very quickly things that I am trying to deal with and handle.
But a bit of fill-in might be helpful to followers and the industry of blasphemy itself (or at least those in it that are not actually blasphemous).
Off-putting, I already explained, came form a conversation with a friend but I want it to be very clear that it was simply a term that I grabbed hold of and my brain took artistic liberties with because it seemed to fit in with my processing and something I have long been unable to pinpoint, so the exploration of that word and how it ties to me had little (to nothing) to do with my friend and our conversation.
*side note: today Dr. She and I talked about off-putting and she wanted me to think of the opposite. It'd be something like appeasing and (she suggested) it can even at times be deceiving; so off-putting is often necessary honesty.
I also reached out to one of the people who has much more voice and influence than I and said he disagreed with, "IHC can do what they want." He felt he might be able to help find someone who will hold them accountable. He gave me a number and some hope... but that hope led to the second entry about how difficult it is to proceed.
But then, going onto my email to get that number, I saw that a different lawyer I had reached out to had responded and as I read about how "Unfortunately, as a result of these "tort reform efforts" fewer and fewer people are able to recover for their injuries, and negligent healthcare providers escape responsibility-even in serious cases such as yours."
I am sure the paragraph this is pulled from is a stock answer and who knows if they think anything serious, however I know what I have been through and how I was treated and I know that the patient advocate and the team that had branded me must also have known how easily they would be off the hook, so that really hit hard and I was feeling quite low, again with the feelings of "lets really drive her worthlessness home."
But fortunately their is a God in heaven and at some point yesterday I noticed my Instagram request to the lady I was afraid had lost her battle was answered and my following accepted. So somehow in that hit down I also found a message directly from her and I know that she is still alive, not doing so well, but alive and trying again to heal once again.
The hit was still hard -but good news to ease some - I took once again to blogging and in "Solved" I did just that, lots of solving. I apologize for my language though I am leaving it their because the authenticity of that moment of rapid processing and healing has its place and anger is what pulled me through quickly this time. Okay, that coupled with the miracles of modern medicine.
So there you are, even anger has it's place, just ask the merchants who got thrown out of the temple by the only perfect being who has walked this earth.
And I am glad I do have a team that, though new and a bit confused by the trouble the old stupid teams has caused me, are helping me to keep getting back up.
Knocked down 100 times get up 101!
Oh thank you Chumbawamba
and I think I have to add this song that followed
...because for a moment in time, I am fairly certain this was me and it makes me smile. (but not high)
She's so high
Monday, October 21, 2019
Solved
I heard back from a lawyer. They can't help me, because it is too costly and basically everything everyone has said is true; they are IHC and they will do what they want. So it is especially stupid that he would not and will not even apologize and they were such jerks in how they treated me. They did because they could be and they knew they could get away with it.
hmmm, that makes me feel even better about myself!
No, no it does not.
Now is when I will be real put-offish (and I know I am overusing that term today)
but doesn't really matter what I say, how nice I try to be, I'm not worth shit and they wanted to be sure that I knew it
WELL FUCK YOU Neuroscience Institute in Murray Utah!!!
AND SORRY DR. HE IT WON'T BE IN THAT WAY
what an unbelievable ass and coward, what a shit and what a fucked up manipulative man.
And you women of the Neuroscience Institute in Murray Utah
aughh... I can't even waste my breath on how pathetic you are, the harem of precious sweet Dr. He.
He has played you, you fools and what ever ass of a "director" who won't even be named, what a coward.
And yet, that said, a bit empowered I am feeling that they were so damned scared of little old me, knowing what they know about head injury and the laws that are stacked in their favor!
HAH
you stupid dumb jackasses!
and maybe I should not publish because certainly I will offend but in this moment I just don't give a shit.
Not that I wanted to sue but the fact that they really can just get away with this shit and treat me like trash when I wasn't, but was very broken and needed their paid for expertise is... disgusting. and their stupid paranoia liability labeling is immature, unprofessional and straight up wrong.
I WAS NOT A LIABILITY I WAS MANIC YOU IDIOTS, the liability should have been in not treating. Your games I do not understand but I think maybe you really are just plain stupid and no degree or PHD will ever cover or disprove that.
...settling now.
poor sad PHD and MD and Directors, you have worked so hard to prove yourselves just to be tripped up by a sad little screwed up brain damaged nobody like me.
HAHA HAHA HA
Sorry friends about my offensive language and rant here but tonight I will let it be, because in it I processed and I feel happy as I am further pushing away from the insanity of the fake institution that simply capitalizes on others' tragedies.
Solved.
Now why was I dragging my feet for so long to contact the lawyers they way they kept pushing me to?
Because I am a fool and I again trusted them and cared and I believed them yet again in their lies that I was truly a liability and someone that they should fear because of the mistakes they knew they had made.
No more believing in them, they are cowards that played games to prove their self appointed god status that they think should never be questioned. They had to make sure I knew that the imbalance of power would remain in their favor no matter the cost to me.
Oooh so sweet and caring the medical and IHC industry.
Solved again.
No more care for you.
Now on to my next big adventure
BRING DOWN THE WHOLE DAMN INDUSTRY!!!!
And I say that with a laugh and a smile
because that is what I do- and now I know that I know better then those schmucks or they really are quite the frauds.
I know TBI and I know manic and I know when help is needed and I know how they can mess with and mess up your head. and sadly I know that they will just to cover their paranoid-arrogant asses.
To anyone reading, don't trust them. They are not there to help you, they are simply there to collect a fat pay check.
now to publish or not?
sever
the ties
completely
...but that is what they want...
hmmm
now don't head down that rabbit whole
sever
without it being my head.
I will not die for you today or ever because you are not the gods you that think you are
hmmm, that makes me feel even better about myself!
No, no it does not.
Now is when I will be real put-offish (and I know I am overusing that term today)
but doesn't really matter what I say, how nice I try to be, I'm not worth shit and they wanted to be sure that I knew it
WELL FUCK YOU Neuroscience Institute in Murray Utah!!!
AND SORRY DR. HE IT WON'T BE IN THAT WAY
what an unbelievable ass and coward, what a shit and what a fucked up manipulative man.
And you women of the Neuroscience Institute in Murray Utah
aughh... I can't even waste my breath on how pathetic you are, the harem of precious sweet Dr. He.
He has played you, you fools and what ever ass of a "director" who won't even be named, what a coward.
And yet, that said, a bit empowered I am feeling that they were so damned scared of little old me, knowing what they know about head injury and the laws that are stacked in their favor!
HAH
you stupid dumb jackasses!
and maybe I should not publish because certainly I will offend but in this moment I just don't give a shit.
Not that I wanted to sue but the fact that they really can just get away with this shit and treat me like trash when I wasn't, but was very broken and needed their paid for expertise is... disgusting. and their stupid paranoia liability labeling is immature, unprofessional and straight up wrong.
I WAS NOT A LIABILITY I WAS MANIC YOU IDIOTS, the liability should have been in not treating. Your games I do not understand but I think maybe you really are just plain stupid and no degree or PHD will ever cover or disprove that.
...settling now.
poor sad PHD and MD and Directors, you have worked so hard to prove yourselves just to be tripped up by a sad little screwed up brain damaged nobody like me.
HAHA HAHA HA
Sorry friends about my offensive language and rant here but tonight I will let it be, because in it I processed and I feel happy as I am further pushing away from the insanity of the fake institution that simply capitalizes on others' tragedies.
Solved.
Now why was I dragging my feet for so long to contact the lawyers they way they kept pushing me to?
Because I am a fool and I again trusted them and cared and I believed them yet again in their lies that I was truly a liability and someone that they should fear because of the mistakes they knew they had made.
No more believing in them, they are cowards that played games to prove their self appointed god status that they think should never be questioned. They had to make sure I knew that the imbalance of power would remain in their favor no matter the cost to me.
Oooh so sweet and caring the medical and IHC industry.
Solved again.
No more care for you.
Now on to my next big adventure
BRING DOWN THE WHOLE DAMN INDUSTRY!!!!
And I say that with a laugh and a smile
because that is what I do- and now I know that I know better then those schmucks or they really are quite the frauds.
I know TBI and I know manic and I know when help is needed and I know how they can mess with and mess up your head. and sadly I know that they will just to cover their paranoid-arrogant asses.
To anyone reading, don't trust them. They are not there to help you, they are simply there to collect a fat pay check.
now to publish or not?
sever
the ties
completely
...but that is what they want...
hmmm
now don't head down that rabbit whole
sever
without it being my head.
I will not die for you today or ever because you are not the gods you that think you are
The Hold Up
Every step is wrought with a pain I can't explain in my effort to erase the source of the pain.
Anger, I am sorry to say, is likely the strength I need to tap into as part of my grieving process.
Otherwise I am just hurting and slowly dying while I burn out to the professionals that I so desperately needed.
And I say that not because of romantic transference but because they really were the right place and the right professionals
but they could not handle me simply because dear Dr. He (though he's already denied it) in his own brokenness, developed feelings and lost objectivity.
...and because he is so sweet and charming and perfect, (I know, I have seen how this man works)I will be disregarded and painted quite ill because
we all wanted to protect him.
I am the fool
but I was also quite broken, not there to simply play games.
I have a phone number or two
and I am supposed to call and set up
I have given chance after chance for clarification
I don't know how or who to see or even where to start in knowing what the prognosis for my head will be...
But I know I have crazy chemistry
and I don't know what to make of my life anymore.
Keep fighting they say
but I don't want to fight
I just want to be a lover
not a fighter
and I am so sorry if that is off-putting
but my eyes keep on telling me so
even when I think I can move forward with the fight
that I have little choice but to fight
because the alternative is
utter failure
...
processing
trying to tap in
to the inner strength
that is fighting for me
trying to keep moving in the forward direction
ever severing
with a surety
that tie
that I wish did not need to die....
today I cry
while tomorrow
I'll try
once again for the tiny victory
of standing up for me.
I am not what they made me out to be
And I am not really angry
just hurt and confused
and intelligent enough to know
that anger holds power
even has it's place
when hard things have to be done...
Anger, I am sorry to say, is likely the strength I need to tap into as part of my grieving process.
Otherwise I am just hurting and slowly dying while I burn out to the professionals that I so desperately needed.
And I say that not because of romantic transference but because they really were the right place and the right professionals
but they could not handle me simply because dear Dr. He (though he's already denied it) in his own brokenness, developed feelings and lost objectivity.
...and because he is so sweet and charming and perfect, (I know, I have seen how this man works)I will be disregarded and painted quite ill because
we all wanted to protect him.
I am the fool
but I was also quite broken, not there to simply play games.
I have a phone number or two
and I am supposed to call and set up
I have given chance after chance for clarification
I don't know how or who to see or even where to start in knowing what the prognosis for my head will be...
But I know I have crazy chemistry
and I don't know what to make of my life anymore.
Keep fighting they say
but I don't want to fight
I just want to be a lover
not a fighter
and I am so sorry if that is off-putting
but my eyes keep on telling me so
even when I think I can move forward with the fight
that I have little choice but to fight
because the alternative is
utter failure
...
processing
trying to tap in
to the inner strength
that is fighting for me
trying to keep moving in the forward direction
ever severing
with a surety
that tie
that I wish did not need to die....
today I cry
while tomorrow
I'll try
once again for the tiny victory
of standing up for me.
I am not what they made me out to be
And I am not really angry
just hurt and confused
and intelligent enough to know
that anger holds power
even has it's place
when hard things have to be done...
Off-putting and processing.
Off-putting.
That is the word a friend used to describe some of my... behaviors? today in a conversation. I can tell you that not all that long ago that very part of our conversation would have been too painful for me to hear. Not because I don't think that I am, but rather because I know that I am or can be. This is something I have struggled to understand about me for a very long time. I know that I was in some ways or many off-putting with Dr. He and it hurt me so bad that he wouldn't tell me what it was I was doing. It is part of what I was fighting to understand and in my eyes it was part of his job to help me know what it was I was doing so I could learn what I needed to change.
Off-putting comes with the territory of brain injury you see, we are often far too honest and blunt. The paths of our brains don't funnel the same and the creative ways we adapt can seem quite offensive when really they are not at all intended to be.
So this time, my ears perked up and it did not even sting to hear this label attached to me, rather I was glad to hear the honesty. It helps that it was said lovingly from a friend whom I trust and that I know is trying to help me.
Conversation with her, and then working with the adolescent I am academically advising, I am feel the turning of points today.
What is tricky and hard and what I can't quite figure out, but apparently is off-putting, is that I am still somewhat attached to damned Dr. He even when I think that I am really not. So this is off-putting and maybe also the anger in the word that proceeded his name.
Some friends have related to me by connecting this to boyfriends of the past, and I have myself done that to help remind me of how wounds will heal. But the real problem is he was never my boyfriend (though I have on occasion sarcastically referred to him as that) he was my therapist and a crucial medical provider for me.
So I am not sure if this honesty now is off putting but I would like to continue to process.
As my therapist and medical provider, one with expertise that I have needed since I was 12, I became his problem the moment he choose this profession, so it becomes rather complex for my brain and apparently my body/physiology when he rejects and denies me his attention and services because he may have developed misguided feelings for me.
It was not me that could not work through whatever it was I was feeling. It was he. And because he refused to see or covered it to protect himself I was sent to a much worse off place and this does stir in me anger. An anger that is off-putting?
So what do I do about it and how do I handle the medical malpractice that then spiraled out of control with his associates who happened to be the "right" place and "right" people that simply did not want to serve me any longer because of their own paranoia.
Is this public shaming of a woman for a mans indiscretions? It certainly seems like it is.
There lies in this story so many hot ticket items of the kind that no one likes to speak of.
Regardless, off-putting and vulnerable I am learning how to stand up for myself. And maybe I am choosing to no longer be so sweet that I will simply continue to turn the other cheek when I know that others are also suffering in sweet, kind, sympathetic, self-destructive silence. Countertransference another hushed hot ticket item.
I hope my friends like this friend keep offering help and guidance and I hope that as others listen they will also see that even people like me deserve to be protected and guarded from the lies of ethically discarded.
That is the word a friend used to describe some of my... behaviors? today in a conversation. I can tell you that not all that long ago that very part of our conversation would have been too painful for me to hear. Not because I don't think that I am, but rather because I know that I am or can be. This is something I have struggled to understand about me for a very long time. I know that I was in some ways or many off-putting with Dr. He and it hurt me so bad that he wouldn't tell me what it was I was doing. It is part of what I was fighting to understand and in my eyes it was part of his job to help me know what it was I was doing so I could learn what I needed to change.
Off-putting comes with the territory of brain injury you see, we are often far too honest and blunt. The paths of our brains don't funnel the same and the creative ways we adapt can seem quite offensive when really they are not at all intended to be.
So this time, my ears perked up and it did not even sting to hear this label attached to me, rather I was glad to hear the honesty. It helps that it was said lovingly from a friend whom I trust and that I know is trying to help me.
Conversation with her, and then working with the adolescent I am academically advising, I am feel the turning of points today.
What is tricky and hard and what I can't quite figure out, but apparently is off-putting, is that I am still somewhat attached to damned Dr. He even when I think that I am really not. So this is off-putting and maybe also the anger in the word that proceeded his name.
Some friends have related to me by connecting this to boyfriends of the past, and I have myself done that to help remind me of how wounds will heal. But the real problem is he was never my boyfriend (though I have on occasion sarcastically referred to him as that) he was my therapist and a crucial medical provider for me.
So I am not sure if this honesty now is off putting but I would like to continue to process.
As my therapist and medical provider, one with expertise that I have needed since I was 12, I became his problem the moment he choose this profession, so it becomes rather complex for my brain and apparently my body/physiology when he rejects and denies me his attention and services because he may have developed misguided feelings for me.
It was not me that could not work through whatever it was I was feeling. It was he. And because he refused to see or covered it to protect himself I was sent to a much worse off place and this does stir in me anger. An anger that is off-putting?
So what do I do about it and how do I handle the medical malpractice that then spiraled out of control with his associates who happened to be the "right" place and "right" people that simply did not want to serve me any longer because of their own paranoia.
Is this public shaming of a woman for a mans indiscretions? It certainly seems like it is.
There lies in this story so many hot ticket items of the kind that no one likes to speak of.
Regardless, off-putting and vulnerable I am learning how to stand up for myself. And maybe I am choosing to no longer be so sweet that I will simply continue to turn the other cheek when I know that others are also suffering in sweet, kind, sympathetic, self-destructive silence. Countertransference another hushed hot ticket item.
I hope my friends like this friend keep offering help and guidance and I hope that as others listen they will also see that even people like me deserve to be protected and guarded from the lies of ethically discarded.
Sunday, October 20, 2019
Adventure, Physiology and Guns
Yesterday we had an adventure. Spontaneous, not super significant, but an adventure like we have not had in awhile. My husband had reason to drive out to west desert country, Tooele, to be exact. He asked if I wanted to come, actually it was probably more the other way around first, I had to drop hints that I wanted him to ask. I asked if we could go to the wonder stone quarry. They are some of my favorite little rocks. So plain on the outside but quite interesting and beautiful inside. He agreed so we were off to have an adventure.
 |
| Outside |
 |
| Inside |
 |
| My daughter laid out a few of her favorites. |
I know that I need him to fade since he is really a jerk (even though he presents as quite sweet and charming) who won't take responsibility, professionally or personally, and has no respect or concern for me.
And that is all I want to say about that.
I do hope you see I am rational and can see it for what it is but the effects are still rather psychologically profound and significant. And I hope anyone else experiencing anything similar knows they are not alone and what they are going through is really not right.
In spite of the annoying physiological association, our fun adventure helped me feel more of me again and reminded me of the simple things I enjoy.
After our fun little adventure my husband was craving a good hamburger and it was surprisingly difficult to find. We ended up at some .357 place because it had good reviews. .357 is a reference to guns since the place was connected to a shooting range and gun store. We weren't sure it was quite what we were looking for so we decided to look at the gun side of things while we discussed our decision.
They had a display of hand guns you could handle and I was looking at this as we discussed. I picked them up. They seemed like toys. I have handled guns plenty before, but a chill ran through me as the thoughts that I have been fighting to shut down came into my minds eye once again. I put it down and said with out even thinking "I think I need to leave."
My husband seemed to see something in me so he did not object or delay. And as we walked away I realized again just how easy it'd have been for me to have ended it all, like my brother, if I had easy access or if a gun had been left laying around.
They never are in our house.
My brother had served in the military in Afghanistan and that may be why he slept with a loaded gun.
But we do have guns in our house and I am glad I don't know exactly where they are or how to load them. (Actually I probably do know how to load them but have conveniently forgotten and I am choosing to keep it that way right now)
...Last night I thought of the gun safe in our garage, the one that my brother-in-law brought over when my sister was not doing so well.
And I have mixed feelings about guns all of the sudden -a right I know needs protecting after being held up a gun point in a country where they are illegal, yet a very real threat to me right now.
And I don't want to go into the politics and nonsense of it but right now I am glad I don't have access ...and so last night I let my husband know to make sure it stays that way for some time.
It is a symptom and this is an intelligent preventative measure that I would suggest to anyone else who may also have this symptom.
This is reality.
Please understand.
My fight I will fight with bare hands.
and I feel this is important to share.
Friday, October 18, 2019
The Husband
The other part of this equation is the relationship with myself and my husband.
I don't share so much about this but obviously there are going to be problems.
And when there are, guess what it feeds?
No one is fighting for me
Even though he is, just in his own way, it hurts because of our differences.
Too many years neglected, overlooked, under appreciated the way that most good wives are. And yet he has had to endure the intensities of me, so for neither has it been super easy. He does say that how I handle has always impressed him...
We have always been friends, usually best friends but
Relationships are hard and we have struggled a lot.
Between us I have always been honest and he has learned to be also.
But maybe I am too honest.
...The trait that gets me in trouble.
So honest that he (husband) realized before I did that I had fallen in love with my therapist.
But he didn't mind
he knows how I work
and he knows that I'll keep it in line.
Now he minds. I am no longer "in love" with my therapist because he is not my therapist and he will have nothing to do with me ever anyway. But it is stupid and hard that he is still tied to my chemistry and it still hurts so damn bad.
I do not know how to handle all of this.
And neither does my husband.
I am working on it.
I am
But sometimes I still stumble and fall with my haywire chemistry
which is what the previous entry is about.
Right now what bothers me is the intensity of the stumbles now in relation to the rest of the time.
Now, they are intense in something different. I can mostly keep it hidden that I have bruised a few knuckles fighting me back.
I actually phoned a friend the other day.
I don't think I have ever done that before in that state.
I keep thinking it's done, gone, I'm good, I can move on, but then silence too long, push back, or off handed remarks, brings something quite scary back out.
I want to say I am out of the woods and I think I will eventually be... but my physiology still sometimes thinks it is supposed to be rid of me...
This battle at times is so very hard.
I am right now writing from a much better place then I was in my previous entry.
And as I reflect I see that I did not eat right and slept terribly. I actually dreamt of medical bills...
It is annoying how fragile I am.
TBI realities? I think so. Exacerbated by the medical and therapy gods -arrogant buffoons who own the word ethical and decide who is and isn't worth saving.
...not worth the fight so I write
I’m still struggling.
Still stuck in this place
Because “I will never have anything to do with you”
And he’ll make sure
But you is me and me is you when enmeshed in therapy
It’s overwhelming
Life
My dreams and aspirations
And somehow just writing still helps
It’s better then the image of a gun to the head
Even though that gun is just for cleaning
“Do you really think that”
Asks Dr. She when I tell her “at least if she has she’s in a better place”
Because I know that God will still love her
Why keep fighting?
I sometimes wonder
Just so Dr. She can feel like a hero?
These are thoughts that go through my head
And they bother me
Especially since I am so much more level
...slow...
Sometimes it is taking too long to recover
And I am not worth the fight
So I write
Still stuck in this place
Because “I will never have anything to do with you”
And he’ll make sure
But you is me and me is you when enmeshed in therapy
It’s overwhelming
Life
My dreams and aspirations
And somehow just writing still helps
It’s better then the image of a gun to the head
Even though that gun is just for cleaning
“Do you really think that”
Asks Dr. She when I tell her “at least if she has she’s in a better place”
Because I know that God will still love her
Why keep fighting?
I sometimes wonder
Just so Dr. She can feel like a hero?
These are thoughts that go through my head
And they bother me
Especially since I am so much more level
...slow...
Sometimes it is taking too long to recover
And I am not worth the fight
So I write
Thursday, October 17, 2019
Bipolarity -The Confusion and Effects
I tell Dr. She I don't know how the hell I survived without the medication. She wants me to fill in with new passion. And I have and I am. She asks me "so when are you going to become a therapist?" I love that she asks and how she asks because she thinks I'd be good and she knows I've got a lot to offer but need the credentials to be heard.
I also had her read the letters from the Neuroscience Institute. After reading the termination letter from the entire Neuroscience Institute she explained how communication was probably poor. Obviously.
She tells me they obviously terminated me because they felt I was a liability and she says of the letter, “this is retaliation for opening the investigation.”
But I didn’t even want to open the stupid investigation. I did not understand it. I was doing what I felt like they were telling me to do... trying to follow their rules.
And that makes me wonder if the investigation was the intentional scheme from the get go to justify exactly that; the terminating me from the entire facility. I wonder this especially considering these points:
-I had told the patient advocate multiple times that I did not understand the investigation or the point of the investigation,
-I was refused multiple times in person communication with anyone about it,
-and I even asked them to stop the investigation until I understood better or could explain what I was asking for better, but they did not. In fact, at that point, they changed their tone from "you have plenty of time" to "we need it tomorrow by 9:00am" in an email that was sent late afternoon. The patient advocate, **, even said something to the effect of, "we can't just start and stop the investigation at will."
And then the information they came back with did not even match what I was asking.
The confusion and mess of emails sent to Patient Advocate would have been really hard to decipher. The tears and emotion, the begging for help coupled with the statements of, "I don't want him get into trouble," would have most certainly led to confusion. But they refused me in person meetings with anyone. They refused, once again, to see the very obvious problem: that I was reacting too extreme and something was not quite right with my brain; the point I was trying to make. I needed clarification, and I needed a diagnosis or at least medication and I needed it from those who had present during my breaking, who were the professionals, who had agreed to help me and whom I trusted. I was a fool to trust them, yes, but I was also quite broken and trying to go other places was just contributing to the confusion for me and for them (the other places).
What a fiasco. What an ordeal. And I was trying so hard to play by their rules and understand what it was they were saying and asking.
So here is an important lesson to learn and remember if you are a provider: If ever you have an intelligent patent that has always behaved rather well, but suddenly they are too high and too happy and then significantly confused and confusing, no matter their composure, they are really not right in their brain or their physiology. When they are telling you "I am just trying to figure out what is going on with my head." and "I don't know who I can trust. I don't know if I can even trust myself." and if that person just keeps coming back proclaiming their love and their trust, and things like "the message received is I need to be rid of myself" (that one is suicidal, and I really thought they were intelligent enough to understand that) then you should know that they are not stable and medical intervention is desperately needed and it is your responsibility to make sure they get it.
My daughter illustrated this well
and with her permission I am sharing.
I do have a little bit of feed back but I think on it for a day or two deciding if it mattered enough to be offered. When the picture comes up in conversation I decide to offer my feedback (or maybe requests) and I say "I want to see the manic side more confident, open and euphoric." Our conversation is sweet but honest, constructive in our acceptance of each other's opinions and I feel, as mom, I have done something right. I am so impressed with this beautiful young lady. She tells my why she does not want to add a slight one sided smile or brighten or broaden the shoulders of the manic side.
First she wants it to be uniform because "there is still uniformity in the two extremes." But what she tells me next takes me a day or two to really understand as she tries to explain the vulnerability and mossy darkness of both sides she is showing. She also says she does not want the bipolarity to be too obvious because it isn't always so obvious and people can and do hide it.
...You would think this girl has witnessed something very interesting to have such profound interpretations... She has.
I see in the picture my pain and her pain and she wants people to see the vulnerability of both sides.
The vulnerability, the exposed, and the trying to cover the raw tragedy that just can't quite be covered up...
Can you see how lucky I am? to have such an amazing friend that happens to be my phenomenal daughter.
And my son I can also thank for profound understanding that has also helped me to survive.
Bipolar or not, manic cannot and will not be denied by these two
and at least I am one lucky mom.
Wednesday, October 16, 2019
tied to my surging chemistry
I'm crying again.
The push back is too much
I don't want to keep it down and keep it in
I want to explode.
I want to understand what the hell happened to me and why
But I am just not allowed.
Which makes no sense at a all and it is frustrating because I still have the damn (want to swear worse but holding back) symptoms that were denied. My body is still fighting.
And what makes me angry tonight is that when I feel that push back I am brought back to damned Dr. He that won't talk to me. I am brought back there because of the association of chemistry that is now tied to him and not just by me. He tied me more tightly with his words that he didn't even mean -except the wanting to have nothing to do with me, that he obviously meant. And the reason he gave was because he could see himself falling in love with me; so I hope you can excuse my confusion and frustration that has come with the territory.
How can you ever think that is okay to say to someone who loves you and trusts you so completely... Especially in therapy... especially with a person who has just sent you 6 emails progressively more weird and one being an article about the troubles of being too much and feeling too deeply.
(I just edited out some seriously adult content that my friend Bob will be disappointed I took out) But I also do wonder if he is punishing me because the mania was not manifested to him the way it was to my husband...
Maybe he hoped I would kill myself, to be rid of me. The more I see of the countertransference population I see a lot of commonalities and an intense suicidal battle is one of them. He had to have known that this could not end well for me. "I see that you love me and I maybe might love you so I'll never, ever, have anything to do with you again even though you need me and trust me completely" is the ethical way to handle this? I'm calling bullshit. Those were not his words exactly but the gist of the conversation.
The people I am seeing who have also suffered from abrupt countertransference related termination are caring, fair, trying to be reasonable, trying to be responsible, kind and concerned about others even giving thanks to responders who have subtle and not-so-subtle jackassness.
... as you can see from my response to this one I am increasingly expressive in my anger: Quor.com: My therapist and I developed a co-dependent ...
I keep thinking I am moving along in my healing and closing only to be again hit by the chemistry....
Dear Dr. He, I will keep talking and I will keep fighting until this is resolved and if you would rather it not be a public debacle then you probably ought to talk to me, because these things need to be talked about and these issues resolved not just with me but within your industry.
I will not be sacrificed and I will not so easily accept the burned out fate that you wish for me.
I am tired of fighting my screwed up chemistry that you carelessly exacerbated.
I would have loved you. I would have helped you, I could have been a part of your team. But instead you decided I was trash and you sent me out as such, convincing the whole institution to agree... If I am wrong correct me. You were wrong about me and okay with it but I am not, and my voice counts when we are speaking of me.
... I'm written out, the nightly dose of medication working now; working to knock me out... I will edit tomorrow. or never. who cares and good night
The push back is too much
I don't want to keep it down and keep it in
I want to explode.
I want to understand what the hell happened to me and why
But I am just not allowed.
Which makes no sense at a all and it is frustrating because I still have the damn (want to swear worse but holding back) symptoms that were denied. My body is still fighting.
And what makes me angry tonight is that when I feel that push back I am brought back to damned Dr. He that won't talk to me. I am brought back there because of the association of chemistry that is now tied to him and not just by me. He tied me more tightly with his words that he didn't even mean -except the wanting to have nothing to do with me, that he obviously meant. And the reason he gave was because he could see himself falling in love with me; so I hope you can excuse my confusion and frustration that has come with the territory.
How can you ever think that is okay to say to someone who loves you and trusts you so completely... Especially in therapy... especially with a person who has just sent you 6 emails progressively more weird and one being an article about the troubles of being too much and feeling too deeply.
(I just edited out some seriously adult content that my friend Bob will be disappointed I took out) But I also do wonder if he is punishing me because the mania was not manifested to him the way it was to my husband...
Maybe he hoped I would kill myself, to be rid of me. The more I see of the countertransference population I see a lot of commonalities and an intense suicidal battle is one of them. He had to have known that this could not end well for me. "I see that you love me and I maybe might love you so I'll never, ever, have anything to do with you again even though you need me and trust me completely" is the ethical way to handle this? I'm calling bullshit. Those were not his words exactly but the gist of the conversation.
The people I am seeing who have also suffered from abrupt countertransference related termination are caring, fair, trying to be reasonable, trying to be responsible, kind and concerned about others even giving thanks to responders who have subtle and not-so-subtle jackassness.
... as you can see from my response to this one I am increasingly expressive in my anger: Quor.com: My therapist and I developed a co-dependent ...
I keep thinking I am moving along in my healing and closing only to be again hit by the chemistry....
Dear Dr. He, I will keep talking and I will keep fighting until this is resolved and if you would rather it not be a public debacle then you probably ought to talk to me, because these things need to be talked about and these issues resolved not just with me but within your industry.
I will not be sacrificed and I will not so easily accept the burned out fate that you wish for me.
I am tired of fighting my screwed up chemistry that you carelessly exacerbated.
I would have loved you. I would have helped you, I could have been a part of your team. But instead you decided I was trash and you sent me out as such, convincing the whole institution to agree... If I am wrong correct me. You were wrong about me and okay with it but I am not, and my voice counts when we are speaking of me.
... I'm written out, the nightly dose of medication working now; working to knock me out... I will edit tomorrow. or never. who cares and good night
Tuesday, October 15, 2019
Dr. Concussion
"You don't understand, I can't not try and solve this, it just depends on how I try to solve this," I say (or something like it) to Dr. He.
I am fairly certain we were talking about different things or at least not entirely on the same page. Solving. My brain just does that. I can not really stop it. If I do it does it when I am sleeping and I wake up to it... And it especially needed to then because I was manic while memories were flooding back.
I saw a clip from the movie A Beautiful Mind awhile back, in it the main character comes to the realization that the girl he is hallucinating never ages. He is trying to figure out what is real and what is not. He cannot stop solving because half the characters in his life are not real and telling to do some strange things.
I do not hallucinate like that, but it is a good illustration of why someone who has an altered mind cannot stop solving. The consequences could literally be deadly.
My mind turns on me more than outside forces if I try to stop solving and my chemistry takes me to very strange places that I just don't know how to handle. I would likely be much more reckless if I were to stop solving. It could be fun and at times I am tempted but my morals may be far too high, so they keep me grounded and sometimes buried in the quandary of humanity.
...That is too deep.
Back to solving...
I have thought about how I have been a bit unfair in my focus on dear Dr. He because really Dr. Concussion was the one who neglected to get me on a mood stabilizer in the time that she saw and said that I was unstable. She was the one who could have and should have prescribed that mood stabilizer long ago. She was the only one I trusted too, and I told her so.
I have been thinking about this and how much she has hurt me and why I have not said much about that... Why my focus has been so much on Dr. He.
Here is where I am at in the processing of that:
#1 Dr. He is a drug to me. Obviously.
#2 He seems to me the root of the problem or at least the one who was there and who I somehow have foolishly trusted could see that and help to get everyone there without me having to talk about his boundary violations that greatly enhanced the ordeal.
#3 It hurts.
It hurts and is too heavy a burden when I think how they all have behaved toward me. It hurts that Dr. Concussion treated me so strange and even said some of the things that she said. It hurts and I loved her too. Not nearly the same but I did. I trusted her and I told her so. She said she would help, she acted as if she was but at the same time she did not listen or acted as if she was while just trying to pawn me off on someone else but without the follow through that I needed and careful not to allow me to see anyone else in her facility.
It hurts so I think I have avoided taking on another deep hurt when I was barely surviving.
#4 I don't want to believe that another had failed me, treated me as nothing more than a liability. But she did.
#5 I already have such serious trust issues with women and I really liked her and she is the professional... It is again another unresolved issue in my life confirming that I must be the problem.
#6 I just don't want to play these stupid games. I don't want to be a victim, I don't want to blame everyone, I don't like this place at all
#7 again; I don't know how to handle this and I do not know what to do about this.
...So I stop analyzing now, I don't want to anymore because I feel a pain in my chest, a lump in my throat, and tears starting to well.
...So I stop analyzing now, I don't want to anymore because I feel a pain in my chest, a lump in my throat, and tears starting to well.
However this was the halfway state solving I struggled to wake entirely from this morning. When your brain is solving in your sleep it makes it hard to wake up and you wake up feeling exhausted.
Do I allow myself to try and solve in the day allowing the tears to flow freely or do I suppress and then solve in my sleep again waking up exhausted. I don't know.
But my mind, as it levels and moves ever more out of the unstable psychological thriller of dear Dr. He, begins to see more clearly the things I could not handle before... so the pain intense and heartbreaking continues as I find I have been unfair to him in my desire to protect something else.. Me or Dr. Concussion?
Office Director or Patient Advocate.
Even ** the assistant to Dr Concussion
and the girl at the front desk who stops the new girl I have never seen before form telling me "check in is down there" because "you check in over here."
Monday, October 14, 2019
...Not so Alone? in Yet Another of my Trials?
The thing about Dr. He is that he is easily lovable. It is not surprising that he has ancestors from India and that he thought I saw him "as some sort of guru." His voice is soothing and even hypnotic. He seems to put other first. He is knowledgable and somewhat philosophical and he even knows how to use Jedi mind tricks. He is good at connecting with people, he told me so. He is careful with his words and thinks before he speaks.
He has a sense of humor, an accent, and he calls people "mate."
I have seen how eyes light up when they see him. I have heard the voice tones that are used.
He is well loved and easily believed.
I was not alone in my desire to protect him.
which is why it baffles me so very much that he had no interest in protecting me. That he refused to see what I so desperately needed him to see... my bipolarity; I was too high, I wasn't quite me, and really thinking and speaking a bit irrationally.
It hurts so much worse than it would if he were as arrogant as so many doctors come off.
Maybe I really did not see through his mask; although I do know that his oh-so-subtle sarcasm suggested some ego and he expected me to obey his commands.
...Yet as I reflect I find myself knowing it is very unlikely I am the only patient to fall for this man.
Is this simply how he handles it?
Has it worked in the past?
Does he honestly not know how irresponsible the way he dropped me and the things he said really are, especially if he really does not mean it, especially leaving a patient high and dry not hearing what they have to say because they are simply another client who has fallen for him?
He denied countertransference. He denied mania. He denied that he lost objectivity. He would not allow for clarification and denied making any mistakes. When asked by Dr. Concussion, in the medical records, he makes it sound as if I was pursuing him, there was no concern for my wellbeing. How foolish to think an intelligent person would think that would be the way to win a person over. That's crazy and I was-but not stupid- and I was telling them so, but that they denied, so how they have twisted should be transparent... except that he is a charmer.
He needs some training.
Or he needs to be caught.
I am certain I am stronger than others.
I fear how they have faired
I maybe was more confusing, more buried and broken, and maybe much more alone... but certainly stronger, I likely have far more years of buried experience with TBI then most he has known...
My friend says, "the wounded wound others"
Is that he? and yet that does not make sense to me, he is so immensely adored.
And that I don't want to be me... the wounded wounding others...
So I am baffled.
and I am concerned.
I am hurt.
I am discredited and disrespected by such a respected and well adored man...Knowing that I am hardly alone in my warped abandoned adoration.
Am I delusional about that?
And he has people so charmed and charms so easily... I know, in reality, I stand no chance standing up for myself since he is where this whole mess started... Why would he treat me so badly? He knows that I don't stand a chance...
All were and will be easily convinced that I am whatever he portrays me to be.
If I am not careful these thoughts will bring back with a vengeance the "let it burn out" and "have nothing to do with you" and I will start believing again that I must be bad, unsalvageable, and that I deserve to burn out. Completely.
I suppose if you find this blog and you find you feel anything similar or have had any experience similar, please, oh please reach out to me, and I will stand up for you too.
He has a sense of humor, an accent, and he calls people "mate."
I have seen how eyes light up when they see him. I have heard the voice tones that are used.
He is well loved and easily believed.
I was not alone in my desire to protect him.
which is why it baffles me so very much that he had no interest in protecting me. That he refused to see what I so desperately needed him to see... my bipolarity; I was too high, I wasn't quite me, and really thinking and speaking a bit irrationally.
It hurts so much worse than it would if he were as arrogant as so many doctors come off.
Maybe I really did not see through his mask; although I do know that his oh-so-subtle sarcasm suggested some ego and he expected me to obey his commands.
...Yet as I reflect I find myself knowing it is very unlikely I am the only patient to fall for this man.
Is this simply how he handles it?
Has it worked in the past?
Does he honestly not know how irresponsible the way he dropped me and the things he said really are, especially if he really does not mean it, especially leaving a patient high and dry not hearing what they have to say because they are simply another client who has fallen for him?
He denied countertransference. He denied mania. He denied that he lost objectivity. He would not allow for clarification and denied making any mistakes. When asked by Dr. Concussion, in the medical records, he makes it sound as if I was pursuing him, there was no concern for my wellbeing. How foolish to think an intelligent person would think that would be the way to win a person over. That's crazy and I was-but not stupid- and I was telling them so, but that they denied, so how they have twisted should be transparent... except that he is a charmer.
He needs some training.
Or he needs to be caught.
I am certain I am stronger than others.
I fear how they have faired
I maybe was more confusing, more buried and broken, and maybe much more alone... but certainly stronger, I likely have far more years of buried experience with TBI then most he has known...
My friend says, "the wounded wound others"
Is that he? and yet that does not make sense to me, he is so immensely adored.
And that I don't want to be me... the wounded wounding others...
So I am baffled.
and I am concerned.
I am hurt.
I am discredited and disrespected by such a respected and well adored man...Knowing that I am hardly alone in my warped abandoned adoration.
Am I delusional about that?
And he has people so charmed and charms so easily... I know, in reality, I stand no chance standing up for myself since he is where this whole mess started... Why would he treat me so badly? He knows that I don't stand a chance...
All were and will be easily convinced that I am whatever he portrays me to be.
If I am not careful these thoughts will bring back with a vengeance the "let it burn out" and "have nothing to do with you" and I will start believing again that I must be bad, unsalvageable, and that I deserve to burn out. Completely.
I suppose if you find this blog and you find you feel anything similar or have had any experience similar, please, oh please reach out to me, and I will stand up for you too.
Neuroplasticity and the Path of Most Resistance
 |
| A desert giant... maybe it's a monster |
I don't want to go the whole "legal" route with the Neuroscience Institute. I never wanted to. Yet they would not listen because I wasn't. I tried to follow their rules and requests when they were not actually trying to help me and possibly even keeping me in a mentally fragile place intentionally in order to keep me from standing up for myself and being heard.
It is too weird and not ethical or fair but it seems in the world of psychologists and medical providers the term "ethical" is a term that they own and get to throw around however they like in order to benefit and protect themselves. It does not seem to matter what is actually ethical for me.
Any way you shake it, if "ethical" is a term meant to protect me, than this certainly did not happen....
and I did not come on here to write about this...
I will try to redirect back to my point, I was considering what to do. I do not want to be the bizarre creature they made me out to be and that I would rather not turn into. So last night I took to reading the very old stuff on this here blog; the stuff that I had forgotten about to see if it could offer me guidance.
If you don't know, I had forgotten completely about this blog until I was broken open and broken apart in therapy last November. I honestly had buried so much of me, or the air bag knocked more of my memories out than I realized, that it was an interesting moment when this blog came back to my recollection. Yesterday as I was reading I found that I had forgotten so much more than I even realized I had in that bizarre moment of recollection last November.
... I am kind of messed up...
But I am also very much not.
I am happy most of the time and I find magic all around me. I love life and the sensations that come with it. I am happy that my strength and stability are returning now in reality; not the false start of the buried me that jumped the gun with a manic burst and was then left untreated for far too long.
I have been on the extreme southern side of my state watching a niece and 3 nephews for the past two weeks. (with the exception of the TBI conference I went north for). It is such a beautiful area with so many places I love to explore but have not had time to with the childcare gig consuming most of it.
This morning I took my niece to school and since my mother-in-law is also here I was able to take a moment to indulge in my surroundings.
There was a neat little arboretum trail along the way. I decided to stop and walk it before returning to kids. I met a man who asked "is this real lava?" Apparently New Jersey does not have ancient lava flow beds. I got chatting with a lovely lady from New York for a bit. Then I turned off the pavement to enjoy the actual nature arboretum trail. It was beautiful and I enjoyed reading the names of the marked plants and learning if they were native or not. As I walked and embraced the allure of the area I found my trail had run out. But I did not turn back, I just kept on walking -as I so often do when I am intrigued and captivated by my surroundings.
It felt good on my ankle as the terrain gradually toughened and I had to work just a bit harder. I earned a few scratches -my marks of adventure- for taking the path of most resistance.
Life is an adventure meant to be loved and I am loving my tiny moments. It is a part of me that people do not seem to see and it's too bad they are missing the magic.
It felt good on my ankle as the terrain gradually toughened and I had to work just a bit harder. I earned a few scratches -my marks of adventure- for taking the path of most resistance.
Life is an adventure meant to be loved and I am loving my tiny moments. It is a part of me that people do not seem to see and it's too bad they are missing the magic.
 |
| I love Joshua Trees, they are so interesting. |
 |
| This funky desert design is surprisingly not native. |
 |
| Thinking it a peculiar place for a desert spring, I had to explore when I saw the water and heard the trickle. Instead of a spring I found a sprinkler fed patch of quicksand. Shoes clean up easily so it still made me smile. |
Sunday, October 13, 2019
Random Ramblings.. Live Big, Bold, Brave!
A man tells me, "you didn't want to talk to me" because I walked by without acknowledging him. I am not sure if that is true, that I didn't want to talk to him. I think more than anything that is how I hide. In plain sight.
I hide and have hidden in plain sight a lot in my life.
My left hand has been especially shaky lately and I am not sure why, but it bothers me. I am not sure if I should pursue getting into a neurologist more seriously or just forget about it and keep living my life. I still think it is related to the car accident because it did not do that before....
At the conference I attended I picked up a DVD from the previous year. My dear one-sided friend Dr. He is on it. I decided to watch his session last night. I wanted to see him out of the context I knew him in. I wanted to see him and feel nothing, to see him for what he is and not what my manic messed up brain turned him into... I thought it might help me feel closure also, knowing that I am not attached anymore and hoping that I would see that what happened was nothing more than the therapeutic relationship gone awry...
It did not work...
I saw him in therapy and I saw him in the video. I see through the mask and I pick up on his subtle humor and playful nature. I admire how he carries and presents himself. His calm demeanor and his voice are so soothing even when my heart is breaking... I still adore him... it’s warped, I think... It breaks me. It's broken my kids and my husband... and I still adore him?
Though I wanted to hear what he had to say (because it actually does apply to me) I had to turn it off
and I will not likely watch it again. Ever.
It is painful.
And it has been unfair.
It has been so very wrong entirely at my expense.
and yet I still love him and want the best for him.
I don't want to hurt him...
How do I stand up for myself and speak out against the wrongs and what they unjustifiably turned me into without hurting him?
Maybe I do let myself be sacrificed. Maybe the industry is doing fine and it is just me. ...
sigh... heavy and light at the same time.
Redirect
Live Big, Live Bold, Live Brave
those are the thoughts I am having to fill the void. Reckless was what I thought before brave, because sometimes I am a bit reckless in my trusting people.
Like the man who tried to kiss me.
I stayed and talked with him still longer than most would dare, because I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt and not be offended, because it was more important to me that he know he is not a bad person. I do not think he needed to be shamed or shunned. I did not let him kiss me and he respected that. I had no interest and I told him so. He tried to convince me that I did, I held my ground and explained. I appreciate that he listened and respected me enough to realize I was being truthful. He asked me what I would have done if that one man I mentioned prior had tried to, I told him I am certain I would not have let him either. That is just how I work. As a married woman I am not interested in crossing that boundary. I do not find my value there... I am kind of glad this man tried because it helped me know my strength and integrity that has been questioned and wrongly portrayed and perceived by the Neuroscience Institute.
I can say with certainty that I am just not that kind of girl and I genuinely was just trying to figure out what was going on with my head and why. I speculate the manic break was TBI/mTBI related more than Dr. He related because I just don't think he has that much power, I didn't allow him that much power over me. I reacted too big and that is what I kept trying to show him... I do not understand why he would not see me, why he would not talk to me about it, unless I have that much power over him; which I do not think I do. I think it was most likely the perfect storm, and they responded with immaturity and paranoia, ignorance, arrogance and disrespect -from him and the entire facility...
Now what do I do about that?
Live Big, Live Bold, Live Brave... Not reckless...
One of my friends says she misses this me. She likes to hear it returning. When I talk about using my weird crazy experiences to help others she likes that, she says that sounds more like me.
Embarrassment, insecurity, hiding... Maybe I can be done with those now and get back to my big, bold, brave living,
but only
I think I will live bigger
bolder and
braver
because I love
and I feel so intensely.
and I am a very fascinating person
just like everyone else
:)
...and I just don't think anything can ever break me so much as this has.
Big, bold, brave,
I've got it in me and it's time to let it free
I hide and have hidden in plain sight a lot in my life.
My left hand has been especially shaky lately and I am not sure why, but it bothers me. I am not sure if I should pursue getting into a neurologist more seriously or just forget about it and keep living my life. I still think it is related to the car accident because it did not do that before....
At the conference I attended I picked up a DVD from the previous year. My dear one-sided friend Dr. He is on it. I decided to watch his session last night. I wanted to see him out of the context I knew him in. I wanted to see him and feel nothing, to see him for what he is and not what my manic messed up brain turned him into... I thought it might help me feel closure also, knowing that I am not attached anymore and hoping that I would see that what happened was nothing more than the therapeutic relationship gone awry...
It did not work...
I saw him in therapy and I saw him in the video. I see through the mask and I pick up on his subtle humor and playful nature. I admire how he carries and presents himself. His calm demeanor and his voice are so soothing even when my heart is breaking... I still adore him... it’s warped, I think... It breaks me. It's broken my kids and my husband... and I still adore him?
Though I wanted to hear what he had to say (because it actually does apply to me) I had to turn it off
and I will not likely watch it again. Ever.
It is painful.
And it has been unfair.
It has been so very wrong entirely at my expense.
and yet I still love him and want the best for him.
I don't want to hurt him...
How do I stand up for myself and speak out against the wrongs and what they unjustifiably turned me into without hurting him?
Maybe I do let myself be sacrificed. Maybe the industry is doing fine and it is just me. ...
sigh... heavy and light at the same time.
Redirect
Live Big, Live Bold, Live Brave
those are the thoughts I am having to fill the void. Reckless was what I thought before brave, because sometimes I am a bit reckless in my trusting people.
Like the man who tried to kiss me.
I stayed and talked with him still longer than most would dare, because I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt and not be offended, because it was more important to me that he know he is not a bad person. I do not think he needed to be shamed or shunned. I did not let him kiss me and he respected that. I had no interest and I told him so. He tried to convince me that I did, I held my ground and explained. I appreciate that he listened and respected me enough to realize I was being truthful. He asked me what I would have done if that one man I mentioned prior had tried to, I told him I am certain I would not have let him either. That is just how I work. As a married woman I am not interested in crossing that boundary. I do not find my value there... I am kind of glad this man tried because it helped me know my strength and integrity that has been questioned and wrongly portrayed and perceived by the Neuroscience Institute.
I can say with certainty that I am just not that kind of girl and I genuinely was just trying to figure out what was going on with my head and why. I speculate the manic break was TBI/mTBI related more than Dr. He related because I just don't think he has that much power, I didn't allow him that much power over me. I reacted too big and that is what I kept trying to show him... I do not understand why he would not see me, why he would not talk to me about it, unless I have that much power over him; which I do not think I do. I think it was most likely the perfect storm, and they responded with immaturity and paranoia, ignorance, arrogance and disrespect -from him and the entire facility...
Now what do I do about that?
Live Big, Live Bold, Live Brave... Not reckless...
One of my friends says she misses this me. She likes to hear it returning. When I talk about using my weird crazy experiences to help others she likes that, she says that sounds more like me.
Embarrassment, insecurity, hiding... Maybe I can be done with those now and get back to my big, bold, brave living,
but only
I think I will live bigger
bolder and
braver
because I love
and I feel so intensely.
and I am a very fascinating person
just like everyone else
:)
...and I just don't think anything can ever break me so much as this has.
Big, bold, brave,
I've got it in me and it's time to let it free
Saturday, October 12, 2019
The Unfair Fight
Yesterday I went to the Brain Injury Alliance Conference.
It was refreshing and painful.
What was refreshing was talking to survivors. It is interesting to see the levels of severity, the diversity and the similarities. It was refreshing to talk to and hear stories and to hear the similarities. It was fun and fascinating to hear how many similarities we have that others think they understand or relate to but just don't quite get.
TBI cracks you open.
TBI makes it difficult to articulate.
and a common complaint, "but you look fine."
Yep.
What was painful was realizing just how much I have hidden myself over the years and how much I have been misunderstood, discredited and my symptoms downplayed or overlooked. It was painful to once again have to face just how alone I really have been in my journey.
But with that pain I also realized just how much I have accomplished, and how far I have come. I really can be proud of myself. I realized that I have accomplished significant things comparable to what these doctors have accomplished, and some of it I legitimately understand better then the doctors.
Their research confirms and validates me.
What I also found interesting is just how delusional, arrogant, and ignorant the professionals can be in their ego's.
I am going to criticize here.
I talked with a well known neuropsychologist while I was there. She is a beautiful and well poised little thing. She is intelligent and has obviously done well. She works specifically with people who have concussions and TBI and has developed an entire rehabilitation program that is unique and well marketed.
I wanted to know if she knew anything about the Neuroscience Institute. She did not recognize the name so she asked me who my doctors had been. I told here. She personally knows Dr. He, my ex-neuropsychologist. Now this is where the conversation gets tricky, though I will admit she came off a bit arrogant from the get go, but then she turned real arrogant and defensive using her status and profession and that bullshit claim of "ethics" in her attempt to avoid conversation.
In her defense it was unexpected, it would have been confusing, and if the situation were reversed I can't say I would handle it any better (*note added 5/14/2022- I had to deeply entrenched a habit of debasing myself while simultaneously giving too much credit to others. I would have handled it better and I have demonstrated that many times).
But... and there is that but,
what was most interesting was that she tried to tell me she wasn't my therapist and she really wouldn't or couldn't be because of the conflict of interest.
This part of the conversation was interesting because obviously I was not asking her to be AND how ignorant and presumptuous to assume that is what I was looking for or that I even needed that.
I do not need another artificial environment to try and "work through" these issues. I need reality.
Ultimately I apologized to her for making her uncomfortable and I tried to explain, even though she did not want to hear it, and likely did not, as I tried to explain that it was a difficult situation that I simply don't know how to handle and their is still a part of me that just wishes to understand what was going on with him and why because I really don't want to hurt him. She could care less about anything I had to say and was rude and harsh.
And the comic irony of it is that is probably the reality I needed to see.
This lady who has so much experience and expertise with TBI being so offended, rude and harsh to a TBI survivor at a TBI conference, for behaving like someone who has had a TBI and also been treated badly by her people in her industry.
TBI effects filters
and boundaries
We seek for clarification by asking questions
We are often accused of being too honest,
too blunt.
We are emotional and feel things more deeply.
We have to fight to survive.
Depression and suicidal thoughts are common
...so many things
and might I mention that the ethics of this situation were obviously so warped and I had been treated so poorly with no resources to help, that this boundary violation of mine with this lady at this conference is equivalent to stepping on a sidewalk crack.
This beautiful lady, could not seem to realize that obviously therapy was not even in the vicinity of what I was asking of her and she also could not control her own defensive unprofessional emotions even in an environment where a conversation like this, bold, too honest, and confusing, could be expected, since it really comes with the territory. She lacked empathy and she could not seem to understand what I was asking or why.
I am left reflecting and feeling like there is a lot of fraud in this industry.
But in it, in the reality of my willingness to make an ass of myself for any kind of understanding and closure, it has also helped me see more clearly the arrogance, ego and ignorance of the Neuroscience Institute more clearly as I got a glimpse of the reality of the professionals in real life and real time when I was not manic and so very broken and still foolishly trusting them, the experts and my providers. She was not and has not been my provider but in her taking that approach of acting like I was asking for that I suppose, for a moment, she provided a transference scenario for me that helped me to see better who the people at the Neuroscience Institute really are.
So maybe I am harsh here and I am criticizing. I realize this may negate my apology but upon reflection -and touch of chastisement from a fellow TBI survivor who pointed out that, by apologizing, I was (at least partly) approval seeking and trying too hard with a person that didn't care and was being a jerk- I think I am okay with that. I am okay negating my apology because these things need to be talked about and addressed and it is too bad if it makes people uncomfortable. I know, because it makes me and has made me very uncomfortable for many months now; especially since it has kept me neglected and it has had very real effects and consequences on my treatment that are not fair. So maybe I was not fair to her, but there in lies the problem with people not accepting responsibility for their actions, especially people in positions of power, and the problem with allowing the perceived week and vulnerable to be the scape goat; the ripple effect brings not fair to far more than it needs to.
I have very literally been fighting for my life and I am not done fighting.
I am improving. I may soon be able to let this go and switch from fighting to doing, I feel that change coming and happening. I am letting go the more I see the reality of their delusions that I threaten. The hard part now is deciding if I should allow them to continue in their delusions or if I should fight that because they are causing harm...
It was refreshing and painful.
What was refreshing was talking to survivors. It is interesting to see the levels of severity, the diversity and the similarities. It was refreshing to talk to and hear stories and to hear the similarities. It was fun and fascinating to hear how many similarities we have that others think they understand or relate to but just don't quite get.
TBI cracks you open.
TBI makes it difficult to articulate.
and a common complaint, "but you look fine."
Yep.
What was painful was realizing just how much I have hidden myself over the years and how much I have been misunderstood, discredited and my symptoms downplayed or overlooked. It was painful to once again have to face just how alone I really have been in my journey.
But with that pain I also realized just how much I have accomplished, and how far I have come. I really can be proud of myself. I realized that I have accomplished significant things comparable to what these doctors have accomplished, and some of it I legitimately understand better then the doctors.
Their research confirms and validates me.
What I also found interesting is just how delusional, arrogant, and ignorant the professionals can be in their ego's.
I am going to criticize here.
I talked with a well known neuropsychologist while I was there. She is a beautiful and well poised little thing. She is intelligent and has obviously done well. She works specifically with people who have concussions and TBI and has developed an entire rehabilitation program that is unique and well marketed.
I wanted to know if she knew anything about the Neuroscience Institute. She did not recognize the name so she asked me who my doctors had been. I told here. She personally knows Dr. He, my ex-neuropsychologist. Now this is where the conversation gets tricky, though I will admit she came off a bit arrogant from the get go, but then she turned real arrogant and defensive using her status and profession and that bullshit claim of "ethics" in her attempt to avoid conversation.
In her defense it was unexpected, it would have been confusing, and if the situation were reversed I can't say I would handle it any better (*note added 5/14/2022- I had to deeply entrenched a habit of debasing myself while simultaneously giving too much credit to others. I would have handled it better and I have demonstrated that many times).
But... and there is that but,
what was most interesting was that she tried to tell me she wasn't my therapist and she really wouldn't or couldn't be because of the conflict of interest.
This part of the conversation was interesting because obviously I was not asking her to be AND how ignorant and presumptuous to assume that is what I was looking for or that I even needed that.
I do not need another artificial environment to try and "work through" these issues. I need reality.
Ultimately I apologized to her for making her uncomfortable and I tried to explain, even though she did not want to hear it, and likely did not, as I tried to explain that it was a difficult situation that I simply don't know how to handle and their is still a part of me that just wishes to understand what was going on with him and why because I really don't want to hurt him. She could care less about anything I had to say and was rude and harsh.
And the comic irony of it is that is probably the reality I needed to see.
This lady who has so much experience and expertise with TBI being so offended, rude and harsh to a TBI survivor at a TBI conference, for behaving like someone who has had a TBI and also been treated badly by her people in her industry.
TBI effects filters
and boundaries
We seek for clarification by asking questions
We are often accused of being too honest,
too blunt.
We are emotional and feel things more deeply.
We have to fight to survive.
Depression and suicidal thoughts are common
...so many things
and might I mention that the ethics of this situation were obviously so warped and I had been treated so poorly with no resources to help, that this boundary violation of mine with this lady at this conference is equivalent to stepping on a sidewalk crack.
This beautiful lady, could not seem to realize that obviously therapy was not even in the vicinity of what I was asking of her and she also could not control her own defensive unprofessional emotions even in an environment where a conversation like this, bold, too honest, and confusing, could be expected, since it really comes with the territory. She lacked empathy and she could not seem to understand what I was asking or why.
I am left reflecting and feeling like there is a lot of fraud in this industry.
But in it, in the reality of my willingness to make an ass of myself for any kind of understanding and closure, it has also helped me see more clearly the arrogance, ego and ignorance of the Neuroscience Institute more clearly as I got a glimpse of the reality of the professionals in real life and real time when I was not manic and so very broken and still foolishly trusting them, the experts and my providers. She was not and has not been my provider but in her taking that approach of acting like I was asking for that I suppose, for a moment, she provided a transference scenario for me that helped me to see better who the people at the Neuroscience Institute really are.
So maybe I am harsh here and I am criticizing. I realize this may negate my apology but upon reflection -and touch of chastisement from a fellow TBI survivor who pointed out that, by apologizing, I was (at least partly) approval seeking and trying too hard with a person that didn't care and was being a jerk- I think I am okay with that. I am okay negating my apology because these things need to be talked about and addressed and it is too bad if it makes people uncomfortable. I know, because it makes me and has made me very uncomfortable for many months now; especially since it has kept me neglected and it has had very real effects and consequences on my treatment that are not fair. So maybe I was not fair to her, but there in lies the problem with people not accepting responsibility for their actions, especially people in positions of power, and the problem with allowing the perceived week and vulnerable to be the scape goat; the ripple effect brings not fair to far more than it needs to.
I have very literally been fighting for my life and I am not done fighting.
I am improving. I may soon be able to let this go and switch from fighting to doing, I feel that change coming and happening. I am letting go the more I see the reality of their delusions that I threaten. The hard part now is deciding if I should allow them to continue in their delusions or if I should fight that because they are causing harm...
Sunday, October 6, 2019
Hurt
A brief synopsis of what happened. That is what I am supposed to be writing.
Attempting again... not sure what to include, where to start where to end...
"I don't want to write this" I hear myself saying heavy head in hands. It is too hard and too painful.
"I don't want to live this" are the words that find their way out of me next.
It hurts so bad
and it is so confusing
It didn't need to be
at least for me.
would it have been for him
if he would have listened?
If he would have had my best interest at the forefront?
Why am I bad?
I don't understand
Attempting again... not sure what to include, where to start where to end...
"I don't want to write this" I hear myself saying heavy head in hands. It is too hard and too painful.
"I don't want to live this" are the words that find their way out of me next.
It hurts so bad
and it is so confusing
It didn't need to be
at least for me.
would it have been for him
if he would have listened?
If he would have had my best interest at the forefront?
Why am I bad?
I don't understand
To care or not to care, that is the question
so... I care.
I'm not so good at not giving a shit. That feeling never does last that long.
Now what to do about it?
This confusion is confusing
why me and why then?
I have felt answers and been given signs
some will write it all off
many will write me off
but I can't really write myself off (well actually I can but I am pretty resolved not to)
and I don't think I can write all the signs off either.
Well I can
but why would I
and especially when their is such a stupid and confusing identity crises that follows the type of breaking that I am privy too.
sigh
life
such a grand adventure
and so tricky to balance
especially when we all have it so damn easy
in all of our luxuries.
As humans
I believe
we are meant to struggle
and I believe it because:
that seems to be when growth happens
it seems to be where people find the most joy and satisfaction
without it, nothing happens
and
when people aren't, they create their own.
So we are given struggles
and if we are not
Then it is time to choose wisely
because like it or not, there is a higher power
and forever is for real
I'm not so good at not giving a shit. That feeling never does last that long.
Now what to do about it?
This confusion is confusing
why me and why then?
I have felt answers and been given signs
some will write it all off
many will write me off
but I can't really write myself off (well actually I can but I am pretty resolved not to)
and I don't think I can write all the signs off either.
Well I can
but why would I
and especially when their is such a stupid and confusing identity crises that follows the type of breaking that I am privy too.
sigh
life
such a grand adventure
and so tricky to balance
especially when we all have it so damn easy
in all of our luxuries.
As humans
I believe
we are meant to struggle
and I believe it because:
that seems to be when growth happens
it seems to be where people find the most joy and satisfaction
without it, nothing happens
and
when people aren't, they create their own.
So we are given struggles
and if we are not
Then it is time to choose wisely
because like it or not, there is a higher power
and forever is for real
Saturday, October 5, 2019
blah blah blog
Sometimes I wonder about things I post. I wonder if I should take them down. I wonder how people will interpret them and I wonder how they will judge or perceive me.
I wonder these things because what I share on here is not likely how I am perceived in real life and I expose a whole lot of vulnerabilities that I do not wear nearly as visibly in real time and I do not feel at all times. Part of that is because I am continually working through them, choosing to process and keep moving forward instead of packing away to destroy future days or allowing it to run rampant in the rumination that comes with the territory of my mental ailments.
At least that is what I think.
Who knows.
I do try to be transparent and I am regularly accused of /complemented for being "real."
I also am very honest.
Sometimes to a fault.
Lately I have been coming in too hot and I scare people away even more than normal.
People don't quite know what to do with me or how to take me. It is much easier and safer to just write me off, keep a safe distance, etc.
I get it.
And still I don't.
Mostly I am okay with it, but sometimes it hurts real deep.
I have thought on occasion that I might be like emotional pornography to people. They love to see vulnerabilities so easily exposed and they will embrace it for a moment with me, exposing their vulnerabilities, claiming it is "refreshing" but then the distance they are sure to maintain suggests that they are not so keen to embrace me openly into their circles in real life. I am their vulnerable little secret friend. Depending on just how much they feel I picked up on they may or may not want to talk to me again and they behave as if I am shameful.
Sometimes I have had what I thought were good friends suddenly stop associating with me, or slowly but obviously intentionally stop associating. It has confused me and hurt as I feel they have decided something about me and with out talking to me about it they just want to write me off. Since I have had the tendency to accept too much responsibility and/or blame myself too heavily I think I have maybe downplayed some of those peoples darker secrets that I so very often stumble across.
But, with the exception of my husband, and sometimes not even him, I don't really share that information unless their is a good reason and rarely with anyone that has ties to the person. I don't feel it is my place and I rarely judge as harshly as they may expect/wish me too. So normally, in the real world, I don't share intimate or exposing information about others with anyone but my husband. ...Who I share everything with and tell everything too, so much so that he had figured out even before I had that I had developed feelings for my therapist... So then you can only imagine all that I told him after that all fell apart, considering the intensity of my emotions, and my deductive reasoning at the time that led me to the conclusion that likely part of the transference issue stemmed directly from our own relationship issues.
...It is a bit infuriating to me that I was able to look at things so reasonably and objectively and understand so well the psychology of the situation when I was not sleeping, had lost 10 pounds in two weeks, had tons of extra energy, was getting messages from spirit animals and other phenomenon that I can't explain, had flooding memories, heightened senses, chemicals surging that I could feel, a heart that was physically hurting and inhibitions lost, yet my therapist could not?
I risk rambling off track here.
My point was, I share far too much on this blog and I question it because it is not the entirety of me and I wonder if it is wise...
But I also feel somewhat strongly that leaving this thing up, exposing all that I have, documenting my thought processing could potentially help the damned industry of blasphemy if they would listen. Maybe could help others who feel but also hide. Maybe modeling my thinking can help others improve theirs, by good example or by bad.
Maybe me leaving it will increasingly help me to embrace all my parts and help me as I continue on my journey to evolve and improve...
I don't know.
Whatever.
I do feel my writing is loosing its zest. My menial mortal mind is far less interesting and not so free with its creative and artistic liberties.
Again... Who knows
and sometimes
I just don't even give a shit anyway.
which ironically
is kind of nice to feel
So whatever,
I am leaving my blah, blah, blog shit up, because I just don't really give one about what people think of me right now anyway,
maybe because I am realizing just how shitty people really are.
We claim to be so good and to want to help
but when it comes right down to it, very few of us will stop and help
Very few of us are really good Samaritans.
And maybe I am just as shitty as every Levite and arrogant, egocentric person that passes
Maybe I am too damn focused on me in reality
... I am going off and wandering too far...
When right now I really don't want to give a shit and I want to embrace this while it lasts...
I wonder these things because what I share on here is not likely how I am perceived in real life and I expose a whole lot of vulnerabilities that I do not wear nearly as visibly in real time and I do not feel at all times. Part of that is because I am continually working through them, choosing to process and keep moving forward instead of packing away to destroy future days or allowing it to run rampant in the rumination that comes with the territory of my mental ailments.
At least that is what I think.
Who knows.
I do try to be transparent and I am regularly accused of /complemented for being "real."
I also am very honest.
Sometimes to a fault.
Lately I have been coming in too hot and I scare people away even more than normal.
People don't quite know what to do with me or how to take me. It is much easier and safer to just write me off, keep a safe distance, etc.
I get it.
And still I don't.
Mostly I am okay with it, but sometimes it hurts real deep.
I have thought on occasion that I might be like emotional pornography to people. They love to see vulnerabilities so easily exposed and they will embrace it for a moment with me, exposing their vulnerabilities, claiming it is "refreshing" but then the distance they are sure to maintain suggests that they are not so keen to embrace me openly into their circles in real life. I am their vulnerable little secret friend. Depending on just how much they feel I picked up on they may or may not want to talk to me again and they behave as if I am shameful.
Sometimes I have had what I thought were good friends suddenly stop associating with me, or slowly but obviously intentionally stop associating. It has confused me and hurt as I feel they have decided something about me and with out talking to me about it they just want to write me off. Since I have had the tendency to accept too much responsibility and/or blame myself too heavily I think I have maybe downplayed some of those peoples darker secrets that I so very often stumble across.
But, with the exception of my husband, and sometimes not even him, I don't really share that information unless their is a good reason and rarely with anyone that has ties to the person. I don't feel it is my place and I rarely judge as harshly as they may expect/wish me too. So normally, in the real world, I don't share intimate or exposing information about others with anyone but my husband. ...Who I share everything with and tell everything too, so much so that he had figured out even before I had that I had developed feelings for my therapist... So then you can only imagine all that I told him after that all fell apart, considering the intensity of my emotions, and my deductive reasoning at the time that led me to the conclusion that likely part of the transference issue stemmed directly from our own relationship issues.
...It is a bit infuriating to me that I was able to look at things so reasonably and objectively and understand so well the psychology of the situation when I was not sleeping, had lost 10 pounds in two weeks, had tons of extra energy, was getting messages from spirit animals and other phenomenon that I can't explain, had flooding memories, heightened senses, chemicals surging that I could feel, a heart that was physically hurting and inhibitions lost, yet my therapist could not?
I risk rambling off track here.
My point was, I share far too much on this blog and I question it because it is not the entirety of me and I wonder if it is wise...
But I also feel somewhat strongly that leaving this thing up, exposing all that I have, documenting my thought processing could potentially help the damned industry of blasphemy if they would listen. Maybe could help others who feel but also hide. Maybe modeling my thinking can help others improve theirs, by good example or by bad.
Maybe me leaving it will increasingly help me to embrace all my parts and help me as I continue on my journey to evolve and improve...
I don't know.
Whatever.
I do feel my writing is loosing its zest. My menial mortal mind is far less interesting and not so free with its creative and artistic liberties.
Again... Who knows
and sometimes
I just don't even give a shit anyway.
which ironically
is kind of nice to feel
So whatever,
I am leaving my blah, blah, blog shit up, because I just don't really give one about what people think of me right now anyway,
maybe because I am realizing just how shitty people really are.
We claim to be so good and to want to help
but when it comes right down to it, very few of us will stop and help
Very few of us are really good Samaritans.
And maybe I am just as shitty as every Levite and arrogant, egocentric person that passes
Maybe I am too damn focused on me in reality
... I am going off and wandering too far...
When right now I really don't want to give a shit and I want to embrace this while it lasts...
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