tied to my surging chemistry

I'm crying again.
The push back is too much
I don't want to keep it down and keep it in
I want to explode.
I want to understand what the hell happened to me and why
But I am just not allowed.
Which makes no sense at a all and it is frustrating because I still have the damn (want to swear worse but holding back) symptoms that were denied. My body is still fighting.
And what makes me angry tonight is that when I feel that push back I am brought back to damned Dr. He that won't talk to me. I am brought back there because of the association of chemistry that is now tied to him and not just by me. He tied me more tightly with his words that he didn't even mean -except the wanting to have nothing to do with me, that he obviously meant. And the reason he gave was because he could see himself falling in love with me; so I hope you can excuse my confusion and frustration that has come with the territory.
How can you ever think that is okay to say to someone who loves you and trusts you so completely... Especially in therapy... especially with a person who has just sent you 6 emails progressively more weird and one being an article about the troubles of being too much and feeling too deeply.
(I just edited out some seriously adult content that my friend Bob will be disappointed I took out) But I also do wonder if he is punishing me because the mania was not manifested to him the way it was to my husband...
Maybe he hoped I would kill myself, to be rid of me. The more I see of the countertransference population I see a lot of commonalities and an intense suicidal battle is one of them. He had to have known that this could not end well for me. "I see that you love me and I maybe might love you so I'll never, ever, have anything to do with you again even though you need me and trust me completely" is the ethical way to handle this? I'm calling bullshit. Those were not his words exactly but the gist of the conversation.
The people I am seeing who have also suffered from abrupt countertransference related termination are caring, fair, trying to be reasonable, trying to be responsible, kind and concerned about others even giving thanks to responders who have subtle and not-so-subtle jackassness.
... as you can see from my response to this one I am increasingly expressive in my anger: Quor.com: My therapist and I developed a co-dependent ...
I keep thinking I am moving along in my healing and closing only to be again hit by the chemistry....
Dear Dr. He, I will keep talking and I will keep fighting until this is resolved and if you would rather it not be a public debacle then you probably ought to talk to me, because these things need to be talked about and these issues resolved not just with me but within your industry.
I will not be sacrificed and I will not so easily accept the burned out fate that you wish for me.
I am tired of fighting my screwed up chemistry that you carelessly exacerbated.
I would have loved you. I would have helped you, I could have been a part of your team. But instead you decided I was trash and you sent me out as such, convincing the whole institution to agree... If I am wrong correct me. You were wrong about me and okay with it but I am not, and my voice counts when we are speaking of me.
... I'm written out, the nightly dose of medication working now; working to knock me out... I will edit tomorrow. or never. who cares and good night