Sadness

Sometimes I wonder if maybe I really am supposed to allow myself to be sacrificed to protect Dr. He.
I wonder if people would listen then?
I wonder if C S is still alive, or if she succumbed to the psychological persuasion by the therapist gods that she needed to be sacrificed, she was not worth their time and effort, and she was unsalvageable. C is the lady on Quora.com who had a similar experience with an abrupt termination with a therapist due to transference and countertransference https://qr.ae/TW2ApN. She has not had any activity since this: https://qr.ae/TWsa9N. Actually she upvoted one answer the following day, which, depending on what time she was on there could have been within the same timeframe; 11:30 to midnight kind of thing. This is evidence to me that she still had some life left in her and I hope and pray she had not already done some irreversible damage in a moment of weakness and brain malfunction.  Yet I also know, firsthand, how profoundly and deeply this type of situation effects a person; how it can actually change your brain chemistry and how that "unredeemable" message becomes so deeply entrenched and/or confirmed when it is coming from an institution of psychology and from a therapist you connect easily with and love deeply. Especially when there is some form of or implied return of those feelings. I also know how easy it is to die and how hyper-vigilant one must be when they are feeling those things and their chemistry or brain is out of whack. Some of the evidence that confirms this conviction comes from my brother's death; how he was behaving before he died and the concrete evidence that suggested he probably did not mean to kill himself in that moment.
So I hope and pray C S is okay, but I also know the reality and I don't know what kind of support she has or does not have...
And I am so bothered by this. I am angry that 40 people read her comment before me and said nothing. I am angry that the facility she was attending decided she should not be allowed to see her therapist anymore because they felt boundaries had been crossed and then she was not allowed to talk with her at all. I am angry that the therapist that she was banned from would walk past her and not even acknowledge her. I am angry that she was branded and stigmatized, when she did nothing wrong. She was there to get help and she loved her therapist, that is not a bad person. The psychological abuse of her situation is just plain stupid.

I am angry at the man on Quora who said this "it's possible that closure could harm you more" in his answer to this question: https://qr.ae/TW2AR8

https://www.quora.com/My-therapist-and-I-developed-a-codependent-enmeshed-dynamic-She-recently-terminated-my-treatment-abruptly-and-without-explanation-I-m-absolutely-devastated-What-can-what-should-I-do-I-don-t-even-have-closure-I-m#

I did not ask any of these questions by the way.

I am also angry at this lady's answer about being attracted to clients: https://qr.ae/TW2Ap0
If you look through the many comments you will find my comment about the stigma of getting mental health care in the US. This comment is mine: "So much of a stigma that is appalling to think that these people could be found or considered attractive in anyway. You would have to have something wrong with yourself to think someone with mental health issues is attractive. You'd be a stain on your profession.
I hope you are sensing my harsh sarcasm here that I am intentionally using to illustrate how people in the professions can and do contribute to that stigma"

I am angry and sad.

I am angry because people believe the "professional" over you and if they decide to twist you into something you are not to cover their ass then you will be perceived as that. I am angry because I have managed well but even I question myself "maybe I wasn't that bad, maybe I really was delusional about how delusional I was?" 

As I have I tried to explain, because I am so tired of being misunderstood, the situation is confusing to a brain that is functioning fine.... but the thing is mine was not.

And I am so angry at how everyone will just let it slide and let me figure it out on my own because I try to be responsible and self-sufficient, because I try to not be a burden or be a cry baby, because I try to be tough and intelligent, because I work damn hard to stay straight, level, and rational even when I am not. 

I am sad that I am on my own. Alone in fighting this. Alone in standing up for myself, because it is confusing and I was not broken in a super obvious and in your face ways. I am sad that I am discredited. I am sad that I am too much for my husband and not enough. I am sad that he doesn't want to stand up for me, that his method is still to build his own walls of self protection if I am not okay. I am sad because if the situation were reversed I'd not have let it slide and I would have gotten to the bottom of it for him. I am sad that he is scarred in his own ways and that this further hurts me... I am sad at the world and I am sad at the losses I feel. I am sad that I know I broke so big and it was so damn hard but they would not listen and because they are the professionals it is and will continue to be used against me as justification for not treating me. I am sad and mad. 

And I will explain now what it is like to go manic, at least give an analogy that maybe people can relate to. Orgasm; it is intense and amazing. A euphoric release. It is everything in one brief moment. It is exquisite and divine and addicting. But would it be healthy to maintain that level of intensity for an extended period of time?

The other day, at that moment for my husband, I saw in his face and could feel in his body exactly what I have been trying to explain; "That," I said, "Is mania"

When that level of emotional intensity lasts for weeks "it is hard on your brain" according to my new psychiatric PA and yet she cannot diagnose me because she was not my provider at that point in time. She didn't see me until I was months exhausted and fading into the depressive side of that intensity. 

That, Dr. He, is the fire you played with, and it was not fair, it is not right that you turned me into anything other than manic in those moments where I was deemed acting inappropriate but not in a medical way even though I did nothing physically inappropriate and how I was "inappropriate" I owned  a million times knowing and trying to explain that it was evidence of my reaction being too extreme. 

I initially thought is was tied to head injury, but the evidence suggests, it was psychological manipulation and abuse of power... and psychological mishandling that is common enough to be read about thousands of times on Quora.com but so poorly handled that lives are potentially being lost. 

If mine is lost too, will you listen then?

Too bad jack assess

I will not die for you!

I will live for others instead!

(at least that is my anthem I am telling myself right now to combat the sadness and lost cause feelings that are trying to creep back in)

...

...

...

I am sad