The Husband

The other part of this equation is the relationship with myself and my husband.

 I don't share so much about this but obviously there are going to be problems.

And when there are, guess what it feeds?

No one is fighting for me

Even though he is,  just in his own way, it hurts because of our differences. 

Too many years neglected, overlooked, under appreciated the way that most good wives are. And yet he has had to endure the intensities of me, so for neither has it been super easy. He does say that how I handle has always impressed him... 

We have always been friends, usually best friends but

Relationships are hard and we have struggled a lot.

Between us I have always been honest and he has learned to be also.

But maybe I am too honest.

...The trait that gets me in trouble. 

So honest that he (husband) realized before I did that I had fallen in love with my therapist. 

But he didn't mind 

he knows how I work 

and he knows that I'll keep it in line. 

Now he minds. I am no longer "in love" with my therapist because he is not my therapist and he will have nothing to do with me ever anyway. But it is stupid and hard that he is still tied to my chemistry and it still hurts so damn bad.

I do not know how to handle all of this.

And neither does my husband. 

I am working on it.

I am

But sometimes I still stumble and fall with my haywire chemistry

which is what the previous entry is about.

Right now what bothers me is the intensity of the stumbles now in relation to the rest of the time.

Now, they are intense in something different. I can mostly keep it hidden that I have bruised a few knuckles fighting me back.

I actually phoned a friend the other day. 

I don't think I have ever done that before in that state.

I keep thinking it's done, gone, I'm good, I can move on, but then silence too long, push back, or off handed remarks, brings something quite scary back out. 

I want to say I am out of the woods and I think I will eventually be... but my physiology still sometimes thinks it is supposed to be rid of me...

This battle at times is so very hard.

I am right now writing from a much better place then I was in my previous entry. 

And as I reflect I see that I did not eat right and slept terribly. I actually dreamt of medical bills...

It is annoying how fragile I am.

TBI realities? I think so. Exacerbated by the medical and therapy gods -arrogant buffoons who own the word ethical and decide who is and isn't worth saving.