Every trial, trauma and/or experience in life seems to have little -and big- side effects that those who have not been through it or similar have no idea of or would not expect.
While headache is probably not a surprising effect of TBI, headaches like todays are especially annoying to me and because of my TBI experiences I find myself maybe more concerned and annoyed than I may need to be.
So I thought I'd try and write out my headache or at least the annoyance with it.
It is pushing on my eyes and making me tired and irritable.
I want to sleep but I cannot because my head also wants to solve and understand why and what is really best to do about this particular kind of headache - a new kind of headache. I feel only slight pain and pressure but I feel a bit funny and slightly disoriented. My vision is slightly strange but not blurry or spinning just slightly weird in a way I don't know how to explain. One deep breath seems to help but as I finish releasing the breath the headache feels more intense and more deep breaths seem to deepen the pain. ...
I think todays may be linked to too many nights of taking my medicine and going to bed later than I should. The medication was doing a pretty good job of knocking me out within about 30 minutes of taking it. This has made me not want to take it until my kids had gotten home and were at least close to getting to bed. My kids are teens and my daughter is dancing until 10 pm some nights. Then she comes home and wants to do homework or is taking too much time winding down when she needs to be up at 5 am for her extracurriculars she is determined to do. My son just won't follow through and takes about two hours to get ready for bed. My husband is a night owl and the irresponsibility my children have developed with getting to bed and getting enough sleep I can definitely pin on him (I say this not angry but rather humorously annoyed)... though I'll admit I have gotten more lax. So I am struggling with the balance here since if I take the medication too late it is extremely hard to get up in the morning and the medication is not knocking me out as quickly anymore. My mind is up wandering later than it should be. I do believe this nightly mind wandering could now be a habit formed from the racing thoughts I had to endure for too long.
I think this,
and I want answers. I want to be able to ask the professionals.
But those who I started this TBI journey with me have abandoned me with the blame for my ex-neuropsychologists indiscretions. The experts I have now do not have the equivalent training or expertise in TBI. My new neuropsychologist might comes close and in some ways I am certain she is much better, but the psychiatric PA is just that and though she wanted me to have a neurologist or physiatrist to over see the TBI stuff she cannot get me into any her company is affiliated with, which may be due to insurance, and the other suggestion her companies schedulers made is...dah, dah, dah... the damned Neuroscience Institute -who refuses to treat me because I have been defamed and labeled unjustifiably. And all for what?
So my tired headache is exacerbated by my inability to get any answers and I guess for most people their ailments are this way. I believe more and more and especially after so many conversations with so many people that our medical industry is full of egotistical fraudulent money grubbers...
So in reality I maybe should credit myself with being a true expert in the industry because I seem to know better than they do.
If the definition of mania is what it is, it does not matter their opinion or why they missed or dismissed diagnosing, that is what I was and the chemistry and shit I have endured ever since has been absolutely exacerbated by the way they did and did not treat me.
I struggle to let go because, since I was a child, I been an advocate for justice and others and I know in this they need to be held accountable or they at least need to learn and improve because they are being ignorant and unintelligent, bias, discriminatory and deliberately harmful in a field where those traits and actions are not at all okay.
Am I judging? Yes, I am, because I know what happened to me and how easily it could have been avoided if they had not so quickly and arrogantly or ignorantly misjudged me and then continually tried to dismiss me because they felt I was a liability or not worth their time and effort.
I am labeling too. I see that also, but bad milk by any other name would smell just as sour, so I am calling it what it is after being too kind and forgiving, and putting so much faith in them....
...I am afraid I might be getting sucked into the rabbit hole again.
so time to get out... via a flashback memory?
"because I will just keep coming back, trying to kick the door down" one of the last things I said to him, begging him not to shut the door completely on me. It was an instinctive response that came out of my mouth not knowing what I was saying or why. But I did know, without any doubt, that I still needed him and his expertise. I was heading to Italy in exactly 7 days, just me and my kids for the first week and a half, and the discussion I asked him for I could not actually allow or even comprehend because of the condition I was in. It hurt too bad and I needed to keep some strength just then.
What I needed Dr. He to see and understand was not that I loved him or that he could possibly get into trouble for loving or grooming me, I needed him to see that I was high and unstable, with flooding and racing thoughts. I needed him to see the intensity and I needed to know what it was from and what to do about it. He made it about him and I trusted him professionally and personally so then, deep in me, it also became about him. Manic was compounded and became much more complex because now it was all about him when initially it was about me and it was supposed to be. I also initially thought it had more to do with head injury, but he would not see or agree, personally or professionally. Can you see how this would mess with me? Mistakes I was fine to forgive, but he was not fine to admit.
Embarrassed, no doubt,
but is that fair to, on me, take it out?
Don't take out your embarrassment on the embarrassment. It's like craping on crapped in pants. Or was he simply wiping his ass and throwing away the pants that he accidentally shat in? Oh my, I have gotten of track with junior high or lower level potty humor... This it the kind of stuff I probably should take out but I'm going to leave because it is so stupid it becomes funny to me.
... and so as I am writing
my headache is subsiding
remembering how much I really do understand
breathing is settling
my thoughts are finding
the simple solutions at hand.
And I will be okay
alive another day
and living a life that's quite grand
I am glad for my struggles
over those of others
and I am happy with the progress I have made.
(even if I am shat in pants)
A headache will go away
or come back to destroy my days
but either way
life is a grand adventure and I love that I get to live it!
(because pants can be washed, you know)
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