Dr. Concussion

"You don't understand, I can't not try and solve this, it just depends on how I try to solve this," I say (or something like it) to Dr. He.

I am fairly certain we were talking about different things or at least not entirely on the same page. Solving. My brain just does that. I can not really stop it. If I do it does it when I am sleeping and I wake up to it... And it especially needed to then because I was manic while memories were flooding back. 

I saw a clip from the movie A Beautiful Mind awhile back, in it the main character comes to the realization that the girl he is hallucinating never ages. He is trying to figure out what is real and what is not. He cannot stop solving because half the characters in his life are not real and telling to do some strange things. 

I do not hallucinate like that, but it is a good illustration of why someone who has an altered mind cannot stop solving. The consequences could literally be deadly. 

My mind turns on me more than outside forces if I try to stop solving and my chemistry takes me to very strange places that I just don't know how to handle. I would likely be much more reckless if I were to stop solving. It could be fun and at times I am tempted but my morals may be far too high, so they keep me grounded and sometimes buried in the quandary of humanity. 

...That is too deep. 

Back to solving...

I have thought about how I have been a bit unfair in my focus on dear Dr. He because really Dr. Concussion was the one who neglected to get me on a mood stabilizer in the time that she saw and said that I was unstable. She was the one who could have and should have prescribed that mood stabilizer long ago. She was the only one I trusted too, and I told her so. 

I have been thinking about this and how much she has hurt me and why I have not said much about that... Why my focus has been so much on Dr. He. 

Here is where I am at in the processing of that:

#1 Dr. He is a drug to me. Obviously.

#2 He seems to me the root of the problem or at least the one who was there and who I somehow have foolishly trusted could see that and help to get everyone there without me having to talk about his boundary violations that greatly enhanced the ordeal.

#3 It hurts.

It hurts and is too heavy a burden when I think how they all have behaved toward me. It hurts that Dr. Concussion treated me so strange and even said some of the things that she said. It hurts and I loved her too. Not nearly the same but I did. I trusted her and I told her so. She said she would help, she acted as if she was but at the same time she did not listen or acted as if she was while just trying to pawn me off on someone else but without the follow through that I needed and careful not to allow me to see anyone else in her facility. 

It hurts so I think I have avoided taking on another deep hurt when I was barely surviving. 

#4 I don't want to believe that another had failed me, treated me as nothing more than a liability. But she did. 

#5 I already have such serious trust issues with women and I really liked her and she is the professional... It is again another unresolved issue in my life confirming that I must be the problem. 

#6 I just don't want to play these stupid games. I don't want to be a victim, I don't want to blame everyone, I don't like this place at all

#7 again; I don't know how to handle this and I do not know what to do about this.
...So I stop analyzing now, I don't want to anymore because I feel a pain in my chest, a lump in my throat, and tears starting to well. 

However this was the halfway state solving I struggled to wake entirely from this morning. When your brain is solving in your sleep it makes it hard to wake up and you wake up feeling exhausted. 

Do I allow myself to try and solve in the day allowing the tears to flow freely or do I suppress and then solve in my sleep again waking up exhausted. I don't know. 

But my mind, as it levels and moves ever more out of the unstable psychological thriller of dear Dr. He, begins to see more clearly the things I could not handle before... so the pain intense and heartbreaking continues as I find I have been unfair to him in my desire to protect something else.. Me or Dr. Concussion? 

Office Director or Patient Advocate.

Even ** the assistant to Dr Concussion 

and the girl at the front desk who stops the new girl I have never seen before form telling me "check in is down there" because "you check in over here."