The thing about Dr. He is that he is easily lovable. It is not surprising that he has ancestors from India and that he thought I saw him "as some sort of guru." His voice is soothing and even hypnotic. He seems to put other first. He is knowledgable and somewhat philosophical and he even knows how to use Jedi mind tricks. He is good at connecting with people, he told me so. He is careful with his words and thinks before he speaks.
He has a sense of humor, an accent, and he calls people "mate."
I have seen how eyes light up when they see him. I have heard the voice tones that are used.
He is well loved and easily believed.
I was not alone in my desire to protect him.
which is why it baffles me so very much that he had no interest in protecting me. That he refused to see what I so desperately needed him to see... my bipolarity; I was too high, I wasn't quite me, and really thinking and speaking a bit irrationally.
It hurts so much worse than it would if he were as arrogant as so many doctors come off.
Maybe I really did not see through his mask; although I do know that his oh-so-subtle sarcasm suggested some ego and he expected me to obey his commands.
...Yet as I reflect I find myself knowing it is very unlikely I am the only patient to fall for this man.
Is this simply how he handles it?
Has it worked in the past?
Does he honestly not know how irresponsible the way he dropped me and the things he said really are, especially if he really does not mean it, especially leaving a patient high and dry not hearing what they have to say because they are simply another client who has fallen for him?
He denied countertransference. He denied mania. He denied that he lost objectivity. He would not allow for clarification and denied making any mistakes. When asked by Dr. Concussion, in the medical records, he makes it sound as if I was pursuing him, there was no concern for my wellbeing. How foolish to think an intelligent person would think that would be the way to win a person over. That's crazy and I was-but not stupid- and I was telling them so, but that they denied, so how they have twisted should be transparent... except that he is a charmer.
He needs some training.
Or he needs to be caught.
I am certain I am stronger than others.
I fear how they have faired
I maybe was more confusing, more buried and broken, and maybe much more alone... but certainly stronger, I likely have far more years of buried experience with TBI then most he has known...
My friend says, "the wounded wound others"
Is that he? and yet that does not make sense to me, he is so immensely adored.
And that I don't want to be me... the wounded wounding others...
So I am baffled.
and I am concerned.
I am hurt.
I am discredited and disrespected by such a respected and well adored man...Knowing that I am hardly alone in my warped abandoned adoration.
Am I delusional about that?
And he has people so charmed and charms so easily... I know, in reality, I stand no chance standing up for myself since he is where this whole mess started... Why would he treat me so badly? He knows that I don't stand a chance...
All were and will be easily convinced that I am whatever he portrays me to be.
If I am not careful these thoughts will bring back with a vengeance the "let it burn out" and "have nothing to do with you" and I will start believing again that I must be bad, unsalvageable, and that I deserve to burn out. Completely.
I suppose if you find this blog and you find you feel anything similar or have had any experience similar, please, oh please reach out to me, and I will stand up for you too.
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