Adventure, Physiology and Guns

Yesterday we had an adventure. Spontaneous, not super significant, but an adventure like we have not had in awhile. My husband had reason to drive out to west desert country, Tooele, to be exact. He asked if I wanted to come, actually it was probably more the other way around first, I had to drop hints that I wanted him to ask. I asked if we could go to the wonder stone quarry. They are some of my favorite little rocks. So plain on the outside but quite interesting and beautiful inside. He agreed so we were off to have an adventure.

Outside

Inside

My daughter laid out a few of her favorites.

It was nice. I loved it. I felt the chemistry push back a little, it was wanting to go to high ...and if I am really honest and documenting the effects of the dropping of a patient in transference and mania I will tell you it is annoying that those feelings bring Dr. He to mind... because he is now tied to my messed up chemistry and especially the happy more high feelings. What a kill joy, even though he probably is not, so I don't let it and I try to stay present and find the balance in my reality and mighty fine moments.
I know that I need him to fade since he is really a jerk (even though he presents as quite sweet and charming) who won't take responsibility, professionally or personally, and has no respect or concern for me.
And that is all I want to say about that.
I do hope you see I am rational and can see it for what it is but the effects are still rather psychologically profound and significant. And I hope anyone else experiencing anything similar knows they are not alone and what they are going through is really not right.
In spite of the annoying physiological association, our fun adventure helped me feel more of me again and reminded me of the simple things I enjoy.

After our fun little adventure my husband was craving a good hamburger and it was surprisingly difficult to find. We ended up at some .357 place because it had good reviews. .357 is a reference to guns since the place was connected to a shooting range and gun store. We weren't sure it was quite what we were looking for so we decided to look at the gun side of things while we discussed our decision.
They had a display of hand guns you could handle and I was looking at this as we discussed. I picked them up. They seemed like toys. I have handled guns plenty before, but a chill ran through me as the thoughts that I have been fighting to shut down came into my minds eye once again. I put it down and said with out even thinking "I think I need to leave."
My husband seemed to see something in me so he did not object or delay. And as we walked away I realized again just how easy it'd have been for me to have ended it all, like my brother, if I had easy access or if a gun had been left laying around.
They never are in our house.
My brother had served in the military in Afghanistan and that may be why he slept with a loaded gun.
But we do have guns in our house and I am glad I don't know exactly where they are or how to load them. (Actually I probably do know how to load them but have conveniently forgotten and I am choosing to keep it that way right now)
...Last night I thought of the gun safe in our garage, the one that my brother-in-law brought over when my sister was not doing so well.
And I have mixed feelings about guns all of the sudden -a right I know needs protecting after being held up a gun point in a country where they are illegal, yet a very real threat to me right now.
And I don't want to go into the politics and nonsense of it but right now I am glad I don't have access ...and so last night I let my husband know to make sure it stays that way for some time.
It is a symptom and this is an intelligent preventative measure that I would suggest to anyone else who may also have this symptom.
This is reality.
Please understand.
My fight I will fight with bare hands.
and I feel this is important to share.