In the Arms of an Angel

Sometimes still, emotions overwhelm me. I try not to burden my kids with them but I also don't try to hide them and pretend like I am okay. That burdens them in an entirely different way that they don't understand and may blame themselves for. So when I am hit they often see it.
Sometimes we talk about it. And sometimes that is good because they are so sweet, they have insight, and it helps them knowing they are helping someone else.
Today, I was once again hit hard by the realities... and I swear they have hit me a thousand times in a thousand different ways ...leading me to believe I've already got it solved and have worked through all the possible emotions, yet I am still being hit in knew ways even by old revelations. Part of the reason for this is that now I am actually strong enough to see and accept the truths and realities of what was happening and how I was being handled.
Today I had a conversation with my son. I am so sorry and sickened by the feelings I had for a man that broke me and then set me up.
I am sickened by the reality that I was trying to protect him when he was actually doing things to intentionally set me up and make me look bad. When he held all the cards and had all the power he built a fictitious illusion of me and then made sure to document it in my medical records so that later he could accuse me of stalking when I was actually trying to get help while trying to protect him...
My son.
My 14 year old son.
What a beautiful person.
I share a bit of why I am breaking into tears, again, today after having to look through my records in an attempt to get things sorted and fixed -which is proving to be an impossible task because they hold all of the card and they have all of the power.
My son calmly and intelligently tells me about how power hungry and corrupt people can be. He is 14.
We are not overly religious and have stepped back from religion lately. But I am spiritual and I feel concern that I may not be doing a very good job of helping my kids connect with their higher selves, a higher power, and a higher purpose. I mention something about why it is so important to live a Christ centered life, or at least keep him in our hearts.
My son surprises me as he tells me about heaven. He tells me that I will go there automatically because of how I loved and tried to protect those that were causing me harm. He says I have proved myself.
What a beautiful thing to say and the way he did; which was much better then I can and am reiterating. I am so grateful for him. I don't know if he is right and I likely still have plenty of time to progress or digress into either side of my own duality, but on some level I know that he is correct and my very tender heart is taking comfort in knowing that my tenderhearted human peers that have been heartbroken and betrayed by those they love, forgive and try to protect will ultimately find peace and reprieve in the company of the angels that are looking over us and helping us even when we have forgotten them. And in the company of true angels that we already know here, like my son, my daughter, Renée, CP, and so many others...
And today I thank God and Christ for their redeeming grace and for sending Their love to and through my son. And I hope that others may feel that same love coming to and through me because it is meant for them as well.
"Alone we can do so little. Together we can do so much"
-Helen Keller
In the Arms of an Angel - Sarah McLachlan

Ringing Reminders

Sometimes I just wish the ringing in my ear would stop.
Sometimes it does, but only for about 25% of my awake time. I usually can ignore it, but that does not make it go away. I have not been able to associate anything to the times when it stops, like sleep, exercise, etc. it seems to be very random.
And at times when I would like to believe that I am fine and healed, it is like the nagging internal voice of reason constantly reminding me "see, I told you so, I told you there was more going on with your brain than just a concussion."
It annoys me. I want to punch it.
But I'm sure you see why that would not be very helpful.

Isolation

Isolation is really bad for mental health and yet that is exactly how our communities, society, culture and individuals (and even ourselves) seem to respond to people when they are having mental health problems. 
When will we ever learn? Will we ever learn?
The people of Brazil, at least communities we encountered in Rio, handle it differently and it seems to be much more effective and fair:
https://amicrazy2.blogspot.com/2020/02/redefining-crazy.html

Arguing Both sides part 2

I am fighting my brain today.
And my emotions.
This is why I am saying goodbye to arguing both sides. The laws are stacked too heavily in favor of the medical institutions and providers for the way I was treated to ever be okay.
Especially because the reality of my condition was very difficult to manage and the realities of my decreased abilities are extremely difficult to accept.
Limitations that are so discouraging.
Losses I have to grieve.
...
Maybe that is what today is; grieving.
I'm battling my brain...that feels survivor guilt and the realities of limitations and losses.

"Life is Pain" Says the Dread Pirate Roberts, who happens to be Wesley.

Grief is not a straight path. It is never over when we think it is.
But worse than that is the TBI consequences. The reality of mood instability. The new and added difficulties with focussing. The impatience and irritability even when I am not irritable or impatient. The expectations that I just can't meet. How hard it can be to process new information. How reading has become difficult. Aging beyond my years.
"You do require more sleep" and "even something as simple as bonking your head on the refrigerator door will cause you significant problems"
There is great power in knowing. There is validation and hope that comes with proper diagnosis. But I suppose that does not entirely take away the reality of the problems you face and the losses you have to grieve.
And no-one who has not been through it themselves can ever fully understand the powerful, profound, and unfair effects being terminated and discarded by a therapist due to countertransference has on a person., especially when you are experiencing transference. If this is simply how it is  handled then that is terrible, abusive, and the system needs to be changed.
Follow that with what happened to me and, Nope, there is no more arguing for the other side.  Doing so I am not being fair or kind to myself.
I am a victim whether I like it or not... and I do not like it, nor do I want to accept it. But
Justifying and excusing them only further victimizes me. There was no good reason for it, especially since they were paid to help and protect me.
I will be strong again and I will keep fighting.
But today I am grieving.
And giving credit where credit is due. To me and my kids and my husband
and to others that have helped me out of that bottomless abyss.

Keep on Keeping on

Yesterday was an easy rough day.

I had physical therapy for my hand at 8:30 am which meant I had to get up at a reasonable time. That is difficult due to medication. Also I did not get to bed early enough nor did I sleep well enough and that did not help. 

Hand physical therapy is always surprisingly exhausting. The myofascial release techniques that Hand Whisperer uses are especially interesting in how I can feel it in my brain. Often my eyelids and head feel heavy and droopy from it. 

Then I got to talk with a parent of a student I work with. It was a good conversation, nothing stressful. 

After that I took my son to his physical therapy appointment. I have developed a casual friendship with one of the ladies that works there so we chatted for a bit. Then I went for a walk/run, while my son was busy with therapy. 

I have not been running as regularly. Mainly because my hip acts up when I do and it bums me out. But yesterday I ran, tackling some hills and while it did feel good the hip did not like it.

Upon returning to collect my son, his therapist gave me an updated and we chatted about that for a bit.

Then it was home and I had intention to get stuff done. 

However, by then, my head was starting to low hurt which means my brain needed a break. 

I debated on what to do for a brain break to settle my head. I considered a nap because that seems to be the most effective but I really don't want to be so reliant on naps and painting sounded satisfying. Knowing that head aches usually require the more effective break to turn things around most efficiently I figured I'd laid down. But I did not fall asleep instantly so I decided it meant I needed to paint.

Unfortunately the mild headache never went away. 

I managed to get things done, chat with a friend and update a sister over the phone, but the more difficult tasks, once again, went undone. 

This is one of the effects of TBI that really bothers me. I cognitively tire out so quickly. And then it becomes even more difficult to process reading, new information, what people are saying, etc. 

I am extremely lucky that I do not have to work a regular job and that I have been able to take time to heal. I am very grateful for how my husband provides for our family. He has carried us in so many ways lately. I feel bad for those who do not have these same luxuries. Yet, it is still quite disgruntling to be faced with just how much of a deficit I am running on these days and is can make it extremely difficult to find the motivation to keep working towards goals and aspirations especially when your efforts now require so much more effort and yet have gone largely unnoticed, very misunderstood, unsupported, and you feel powerless to make changes where you know they really need to happen.

Sooo... here I am again, blogging it out... Or am I procrastinating?

So much in my head, so much that I know, with nowhere to go with it but here. 

And of course this (the last statement) is not entirely true and I will keep working toward changes I wish to see in this weird wild world that we live in. 

And I will keep hoping I might help others in some small way through my honest blogging of the realities we face as we sort our tragedies and traumas in an effort to gain better psychological health.  

Arguing Both Sides: Part 1 The Magnificent Masterminds of the Medical Malpractice Model

Even still my solving brain continues. I may be slower than I used to be and maybe others have already figured this out from my story but my stable processing brain -that is still trying to figure out what my responsibilities are, how hard I want to keep working to solve in a way that eases my mind and consciences and helps in an overarching way- and my mind that now craves some level of justice [preferably through reform] has recently had an epiphany.

An epiphany, that looks more like a puzzle that is finally coming together to reveal the secret of the whole picture that was hidden in plain sight within all of the small and scattered individual puzzle pieces.

The epiphany that came when I considered writing a letter myself to the attorney that claims to be representing a few of the IHC individuals and the Neuroscience Institute. 

The Epiphany that told me this would be a bad idea 

and here is why:

That lawyer does not care about me. He, very likely, does not care about them either. He most likely cares about his pay check and probably his ego too, and listening to me in a way that will help me (and them) is not in the best interest of his paycheck. Not only that but -and I may be going out on a limb here- I’m guessing he makes more $ the harder he has to work to defend the medical providers he works for. …

… ?!?!!!!

Flashbacks:

•   "I could loose my license because of you," says Dr. He but I do not understand because I know I had done nothing to make that true and I know the threat is not coming from me. He could not loose it because of me unless I pursued some serious actions to make that happen and I had not desire or intention to do that ever. It did not make sense. So my possible fallacy was thinking the threat must be from IHC. After all he had also said "you don't know the other side of things."

• Friend who has been a nurse for IHC for years is explaining their policies and how they are trained, [or conditioned] to handle mistakes if they make them, “If we make a mistake we are not supposed to talk to the person. We have to deny it because of all of the frivolous lawsuits...”

• Another friend who has worked at a non IHC hospital for years, “… they can’t admit they made a mistake and they are especially not allowed to talk to the patient about it if they did because of all the frivolous lawsuits.”
• Others who have repeated similar reports of how they are expected to handle mistakes.
• My discoveries time and time again and being told by attorneys and others about "Torte Reform" and how "the laws are stacked in their favor." Reading the Utah Malpractice Act and seeing just how heavily they really are stacked in their favor and how heavy our politicians have made the Burden of Proof on patients and their families - patients that are already suffering physically and psychologically from conditions that led them to the medical providers in the first place and that the medical providers have then made worse.
• The many conversations with my Attorney friend in which he has explained that there has been significant studies and research that proves there are significantly less lawsuits when doctors admit they made a mistake and work with the patient to correct the problem.
• This information, found here https://www.dkowlaw.com/practice-areas/medical-malpractice, that states:

“The American Association for Justice summarizes the findings from key peer-reviewed sources on the extent of medical malpractice and medical errors:
-Some 440,000 patients die every year from preventable medical errors. [Journal of Patient Safety]
-Preventable medical errors cost our country tens of billions of dollars a year. [Institute of Medicine]
-One in three patients who are admitted to the hospital will experience a medical error. [Health Affairs]
-Studies of wrong site, wrong surgery, wrong patient procedures show that “never events” are happening at an alarming rate of up to 40 times per week in U.S. hospitals. [Archives of Surgery]
-Medical negligence lawsuits amount to just one-half of one percent of all health care costs. [Congressional Budget Office]
-Medical negligence cases represent well under 2 percent of all civil cases. [National Center for State Courts]
-Researchers at Harvard University found that 97 percent of cases were meritorious, concluding, “Portraits of a malpractice system that is stricken with frivolous litigation are overblown.” [New England Journal of Medicine]”  I wonder, of those 3% of non-meritorious lawsuits how many won? And how many of the meritorious medical negligence cases how many of those actually won?

• My thoughts time and time again of, “What exactly have I stumbled onto here?” as the cover ups, mistreatment, and refusals to clarify and talk with me continued despite my best efforts to help them understand I was “just trying to figure out what was going on with my head.”
•  "they are setting you up" pointed out to me, by family members that work within/for two of The Systems.
• The warnings Dr. She has given me about “what they will put you through” coupled with her observations of them and me, and her hope that I am strong enough to fight this battle and to seek justice, but her careful and very limited encouragement for going the "legal route."
• "I have the power to check that box," said by a medical provider as a threat to my friend who had been abused and betrayed and who had already lost so much and not been protected by the Legal System.
• How people are terrified to be on the wrong side of IHC.
• Dr. Tangled, who was, "not afraid to report," until it came right down to it and coincidentally after she "poured over my medical records." It is worth noting that one of her own had also misdiagnosed me, even before the Neuroscience Institute had.
• this article: The Missing Victims of Healthcare Fraud
• https://amicrazy2.blogspot.com/2019/01/my-scarlet-letter.html

...
Sooo many pieces to this perplexing puzzle….

And I see, very clearly, a very significant part of what was and has been happening to the other side of this story that has led to such a debacle of me.

The attorneys. The high powered, best of the best, clever and articulate, well paid attorneys that work for the hospitals and medical powerhouses.

The attorneys that know the Systems and how to work them best of all. The attorneys that know how to debate and know how to cunningly convince people to support their position regardless of right or wrong.

Is it they who have the medical providers eating out of their dirty little palms; seeking protection, from the fallacies of their own thinking that were inception style planted and then nurtured by those sneaky experts who imposingly and imperiously fed those fallacies to them in the first place? Those Medical providers, Now slaves, to their fictitious fears that are fed by the Masters from the fattened flesh of their own ever increasing attorney fabricated fallouts and fallacies.

Maybe I need to state this more clearly.

The attorneys that are paid significant amounts of money to protect medical providers are very likely the same people that train them on “how to protect yourself from malpractice suits,” when there really is no need for this or, at very least, training and policies need to drastically change because the laws are written to the degree of "no need to worry about malpractice suits.” It seems the actual medical providers do not know or understand how well the laws  are stacked so heavily in their favor that a suit against them is virtually impossible for a patient to win no matter how bad, frequent and obvious the malpractice is. Heck, nearly impossible to even find someone to try and represent you for arbitration.
Are their attorneys the the tale spinning masterminds that have your medical experts convinced that patients (you) are the enemy? Are they the reason providers are convinced that we, the patients, are completely unwilling to forgive or be reasonable in addressing mistakes when they are made? Are they the reasons practitioners and providers refuse to see or accept that they made a mistake? That last one may be sheer doctor ego, but I am guessing there is plenty artificial ego soothing and stroking done by their attorneys to keep them confident in their continued progression down the malpractice path.

I am certain they are The Ones that our providers consult when they have made a mistake. SO what advice do YOU think these Legal Experts are giving to our highly valued, beloved, and trusted providers that may have made a mistake with you?

Hmmm, When do they make money? When do they make the most? Whose best interest do they have in mind?

As long as your medical provider continues down the path of malpractice their attorneys keep getting paid. AND (my guess) the bigger, worse, or more obvious the malpractice is, the more the doctor will need the lawyer and the more $ the lawyer will make. I am sure it also strokes the egos of many to be able to say they won in an obvious case of malpractice. 

Plus IHC has the funds to outlast most of us in a court of law. 

Do you really think they are being given "legal advice" that is in the "best interest" of the patient or even in the best interest of the institution or medical providers that are currently so disproportionately protected by the laws?

So maybe, there was some innocence to my beloved betrayers after all? Maybe the manipulations were more significant elsewhere? 

And maybe our doctors are being indoctrinated to believe some very wrong and very harmful things about us, their patients, just so attorneys can collect the big bucks by preying on fears and fallacies that they, the attorneys, planted and then nurture.

Arguing Both sides: The other side part Intro

If you are following you know that I had a moment where I thought not to argue both sides, however I have learned so much through this wild ride that I would like to fully share what I have learned because I think it important for people to work together instead of against each other as much as we possibly can. I believe it a core value of mine and it is what I was trying for the entire time I was being malpractice on.
So I will argue both sides, which is really an understatement because there are likely far more than two sides to this story which may just be why it became so convoluted when both sides were trying to find a simple or overly simplified solution to a multifaceted problem that is far bigger than just me and my problems.
In other words: this arguing both sides will likely need to be a series (or a book because) there really are so many factors effecting both sides.
To start I would like to state, for the record, I want it to be clearly understood that I know my medical providers made mistakes with me. And not just one, but many.
I believe the providers at the Neuroscience Institute made the biggest and most dangerous mistakes and part of that is because they are considered the experts in the field, at very least they claim to be experts on concussion. Also they have all the providers I really needed there, but they did not refer me to the neurologist there. This is kind of a big deal. Especially with TBI and what I was experiencing and especially as I started manifesting even more significant evidence of possible misdiagnosis or under-diagnosis.
It is clear and their is sufficient evidence that they made mistakes early on and they made mistakes multiple times. Dr. Concussion made significant mistakes and Dr. He made significant mistakes. I first  did not think it, then I suspected it, then I came to know it. BUT even once I understood that they had in fact misdiagnosed me and made significant mistakes, I  did not feel or want either of them to loose their license or be punished for those early mistakes.
However, after going through what I have it would not be unreasonable, and honestly I believe they probably should, loose their licenses for how I was handled and treated as a result of their mistakes. I believe the entire facility should loose their licenses and credentials for continuing with malpractice, perpetuating numerous forms of harm, and working to cover things up and even to set me up to appear to be things I was not (like stalking), at any cost to me, all in the name of "protecting" themselves, which was never needed. Especially considering their positions of power over me,  how heavily the laws are stacked in their favor,  how they held all of the cards, AND especially considering how very vulnerable I was. 
The only person that needed protection was me.
The only institution that needed protection was my family.
But we did not matter.
....Now you might be thinking, "this does not seem like arguing the other side" and you are correct, so far I am not. In fact my emotions are starting to rise again as I try to reiterate what I tried to tell them a million times, that I had no interest in hiring a lawyer, I was not trying to get anyone into trouble, but that I was just trying to figure out what was going on with my head.
And I will be honest it is very difficult for me to argue the other side devoid of emotion. I will also be honest and tell you that when I try to, as I am now, I find the anger surge because the injustices are so clearly wrong and even so simplistically stupid that it becomes infuriating that these intelligent doctors and professionals are so indoctrinated in their fallacies and errors of thinking that they would act so malevolently toward a person as broken and vulnerable as I was.
Flashback: "I am okay with being wrong," he tells me after I proclaim rather cheerily "I think you are wrong." Myself referring to how things were ending as he was terminating and I was leaving, once again mistakenly empowered by his eluding to countertransference and the dismissing of mania. I did not fully understand what he was wrong about or how wrong he really was, but I knew something was wrong and I knew he was wrong about me in some way. The super powers of mania really are quite spectacular and real to some extent -which is part of why it can be so difficult for people who have experienced it to loose those and be okay with letting them go.
Flash forward again:  He was and is clearly wrong and it is not okay or fair to be so wrong about me and then spread those errors to a damaging and defamatory degree all while I really was dealing with so many things like PSTD, mania, and a physically broken brain.
... derailed now, I will confess in my effort to once again give them some sort of benefit of the doubt and show how the corrections could easily be made it is hard not to become triggered, to feel superior, or to loose increasing faith in humanity because they absolutely and stubbornly with no regard for me (their former patient, ally and advocate, even their former number one fan) refuse to even discuss the matter with me.
Sooo it seems, my first attempt to argue the other side, turned into something else. I do hope you can see and understand why. But staying true to letting it be, the processing, even when not so pretty, and rather honest and raw, I will let this be... and call it my Intro.

Inception - A Movie Review

A little while back my daughter wanted me to watch the movie  Inception with her. It’s been awhile and I’d forgotten that I had seen it before.
It’s an interesting concept; breaking into people’s brains to retrieve memories and information. There is a lot I could say about the movie but I’m going to keep this short.
My favorite observation about this move is how they plant the idea and convince the audience that the inception of ideas that can lead to desired outcomes (or different outcomes) is difficult. The creators of this move flatter their audiences into believing that humans are not so easily swayed and manipulated, which then makes their influence that much more powerful while being less detectable.
It’s very fascinating to me how easily influenced and deceived people are all the while believing that it’s their own unique thoughts, or that their perception is entirely their own and cannot be not easily changes.
From what I’ve observed it seems, if people are not aware of how fallible their thoughts and brains can be than their brains are much more easily influenced by others. And more often than not they are easily influenced by people who are looking to gain some form of power or control. Or money.
Inception is Hollywood’s super power.
And lawyers. They are very good at influencing people through the inception of ideas that greatly benefit them.

Back on Track

Back on track.
I really appreciate how I am able to get back on track so much more easily now. I am grateful and happy to say that it is much easier to turn my thinking around.
Today I had a follow up with psychiatric PA. It has been three "inadvertent" months, and I was happy to report that I am good and have been good. It was a bit bitter sweet though  because, I'll admit ,I have kind of missed seeing her so regularly. So while it is good I don't need to see her so frequently I am also sad I don't get to see her more frequently.
And even this makes me happy because I am just that, happy.
I take hits and I have found myself awkwardly responding to gestures of friendship, evidence of just how much I have been scarred by friends through this journey of mine. It surprises me because I think I am "recovered" only to find that I don't know how to have friends anymore.
Oh well.
I'll keep working on it.
And this is really why I am coming on here today at all, because my anger and hurt that fueled my triggered processing the other day threatened to isolate me again by allowing the pain of those that have been not so kind, not so fair, and not so available (at all) to override all the good that I have experienced from people.
I will be honest and say that the overwhelming response has been generally apathetic when I really did need help and support and some of the things people have said and done and ways I have been treated have been really shocking, but that (and they) matter far less than those that have helped.
Like my psychiatric PA. I am so grateful for her.
As part of her assessments she asked about things I am already forgetting about, like the suicidal thoughts. It felt so good to report that they are pretty much gone and I didn't even cry when I noted that occasionally they will try to gain an audience but they yield no power anymore.
I did, however, tear up as we talked about how I was before. It has been almost a year since I started seeing her. She comments on how she cannot believe they expected me and left me to try and schedule all these appointments on my own when I was in the mental state I was in and considering TBI. (they being those pesky previous providers at the Neuroscience Institute and even other doctors that I did not and do not think are pesky). She felt they should have done the type of referrals where the new facility or doctor calls you to schedule. They absolutely should have.
PA is impressed that I managed. I remember Dr. She saying something similar at a much earlier stage in our relationship; she said she was surprised and impressed that I would even return to a therapist at all.
With PA, I tear up when I once again realize that she and Dr. She very literally saved my life.
It is surprising and some will think that it means something like, "well maybe it wasn't really that bad," to which I will say, please remember I loved and trusted the people at the Neuroscience Institute and I wanted nothing more than to have things reconciled and to have them work with me to understand what the hell was going on with my head, and this is exactly why it was sooo bad, how they treated and betrayed me, but the real cold hard truth of the matter is I was in the most difficult and bizarre fight for my life and I was determined not to give up. I wanted to be better. I wanted to live. I knew that what I was experiencing was not right and my brain and body were fading and they were fading bad. It was progressing rather quickly and I did not have much time left. I was loosing ground. I would not have lasted much longer. Plain and simple.
I don't know how it would have ended. I really have no idea. But my light was dying, my energy was fading, insanity or whatever it was, was winning and I was dying.
I knew that. And I know that. And that is the only reason why I somehow managed to get those appointments set and to get there. People have no idea how hard it really was just to find the courage to call.
But those realities, and that truth, when your life is hanging in the limbs, that keeps you fighting harder than you really are capable of. If my state of health had not been as bad as it really was, I would not have done any of it. I very well might have turned bitter and jaded. I may have deteriorated more slowly. I don't know but I am confident that one of the great ironies or paradoxes of my situation was that I had to fight harder then I was capable of in oder to save my self.
And back to,
the following through
with giving credit where credit is due:
It was also likely due to the few who showed concern at all that I was able to keep at it. My kids. My husband. My aunt and uncle who were the only people to respond to my facebook plea, after my ankle surgery, when I said I needed visitors. My physical therapist, Doug, and a few people I had the pleasure to interact with there. My friend CP who, when I told her I was hurt but that I knew it was likely because I was extra sensitive to rejection at that time, she apologized and asked me what was going on. She made sure she was extra sensitive to me. My sister who, despite some misunderstandings, kept occasionally checking on me and actually asked how I was doing. Another sister who, though she is far and forgets often, actually called the patient advocate and tried to help me. Bob, who kept checking up on my blog and actually checked in on me occasionally, a few others I worked with, that have been continuously kind. My boss at the new job I had (and had to leave) at the time I was fading that kept believing in me in so many little ways. People on Quora that appreciated my answers and insight.
This is how I am a success, I appreciate the little things and see the good even when I am hurting and fading. I keep working to come back to those. And it gets easier and easier. Now I am getting better at letting go of "bad" friends and people who are not so healthy to be around. I can still hurt but I know it is not me and I don't have to accept being treated as second class.
So back to being a success story is fine by me.
A success because I define mine based on my own core values and realistic expectations.
To me I am a success if I can find joy and magic in life and if I can help others in some small way.
So I am a success pretty much everyday now. 😁 And I thank you for helping me by reading me.

Breaking, We all eventually do. Even You

So today has been rough as more harsh realities, that far too many people face, are hitting again.
I have people making me wrong again to ease their burden of conscience. I am getting very tired of that common and tragic human trait.
I am trying to gauge if some of the issues may be due to a pendulum swing in me. I am determined to be patient and kind to myself. I know I at least deserve that.
I think about being triggered yesterday and I think my emotions may be a bit heightened still from that. I have thought to delete, or "revert to draft," my post from yesterday. But I think I need to leave it to be true to the reality of wretched parts of this processing and progressing business.
I am entitled to have bad moments. My brain has to work extra hard at impulse control anyway soo I may have allowed it to not-have-to work so hard at it yesterday.
I did edit the facebook post and took off the link to the blog post... because I really do understand the harsh realities of judgments I will not escape.
As my pendulum swings, I may be too blunt and even without meaning to I am often calling people out on their shit so I probably do that too much.
Sigh...
sigh...
sigh...
I have learned so very much through this process and the harsh realities of life really are so harsh. I remember reading Viktor Frankls book and thinking, "but people are still just like this, only they mask it with their professions" and it is very disturbing.
People go along with abuse all of the time, people don't stand up or speak out when bad things are happening and the people in positions of power far too often do not care about anything other then themselves, money and power. It is very often how they got there. It sounds so cliche and we don't want to believe it but I am seeing it again and again. If you do not have significant wealth or influence you will never win no matter how wrongly you were treated and people will jump right on the bandwagon of perpetuating harm often simply because they want to align themselves with wealth and power.
I think I don't relate very well to this and it seems to cause me a lot of problems.
So when that one guy said, "I am okay with being wrong," I mostly interpreted based on my own perspective and my own innate character which is why I thought he meant something similar to things I have said about being okay with being wrong.
When I have said things like this I meant that it is okay to make mistakes and not beat yourself up over it. I have also said it in the form of, "I would rather say it and be wrong than not say it and be right," in attempt to help others from befalling a negative circumstance. Like warning others about a potential scam or like when I called my ex-brother-in-law out on his abuses and manipulations of my family member. I was right and my speaking up made a difference multiple times. I was okay with being wrong because helping someone else was more important than being comfortably right in my silence.
Renée, my sweet petite guardian angle, has said it so many times because she has lived it and seen it occurring so ridiculously frequently with TBI survivors, that "they [those who did not endure the tragedy] can't handle it [their own pain, your observations, the truth etc.] so they have to make you wrong."
Today, as I repeated what she has taught me about how people "have to make you wrong" Dr. He's words, "I am okay with being wrong," came back into my mind and I realized that he and I were not on the same page in the use of these words. Now I understood what he most likely meant - a thing that I just don't relate well enough to in order to have picked up on the very real threat he was making- that he would make me wrong, that he was okay with making mistakes and would do everything in his power to hide and cover those if he felt they threatened him and his livelihood in any way.
It seems that he meant something completely opposite of what I have used that phrase for.

Yin and Yang.
It is often so hard to see what we don't relate to.

...and I guess I do it too.
but probably far less than you do
because my brain has been cracked open
and so have I;
broken by
the realities of insanity.
I at least know the limitations of my stability
and the delusions of my illusions
Do you?
Not many do
when lateral, efficient, undisturbed, un-traumatized thinking has always worked for them.
It's a neuroplasticity thing, you wouldn't understand
...but you can learn too 😀

And I sincerely hope you do
Because someday you will break too.
Pray it does not get the best of you
because the breakings often do.
It even has a name
We call it Death.


And now I am going to make cookies
because it has been one of those days

...and I am learning
as I continue to work on changing my negative core perceptions of myself

TRIGGERED in a BIG WAY!

https://anchor.fm/dr-timothy-speicher/episodes/Kelsey-Boyer--Professional-Snowboarder--Shares-her-Story-of-Brain-Recovery-egnbse/a-a2morjn

A friend sent me a link to this Podcast.
I start to listen
I had to stop.
I cannot believe how bad I am being triggered by this!!!! I want to type all this in caps except I know that can be annoying to read. But I have to process. I have not been triggered like this is  awhile. I did not think it was even possible anymore. but I am sick. shaky. knotted throat, crying and ANGRY!!!
I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ANGRY. I cannot escape it and it takes me a bit before I even realize what I am doing; I am irrationally pacing while my hand is trying to pound some sort of solution into my forehead...
I need to process this. I cannot listen right now. Maybe never. But
THE SHIT I WENT THROUGH IS HAPPENING TO OTHER PEOPLE!!!
I can't even listen long enough to hear how the story plays out. I am furious. AND I am so angry about the lack of support and help from friends, family and coworkers that I had. I am so angry that I had no-one speaking up for me. I am so angry that this is happening to other people like this lady and like me. It's so bad it is even happening to people who have a voice and some influence. How many more are there, like me, who are nobodies?
I am so ANGRY that the ONE place in this WHOLE DAMNED state that REALLY SHOULD KNOW BETTER IS DOING THE SAME SHIT AS the doctors who "might not know as well"
At one point her internal voice said, "your brain is bleeding" but then I hear her say, when the professionals told her she was fine she believed them.
SHE GETS IT!!!
When the "experts" tell you that you are fine you believe it even when you know you are not.
SOMEBODY ELSE GETS IT!!!!
She even "seemed fine" and passed their stupid little concussion tests well enough the way I did.
My head feels like it is going to explode now and I am both excited and terrified.
MOSTLY Terrified and also
hurt again
because I am so very alone
no matter how positive I am, no matter how much credit I give.
I have been tooo damn alone in this insane battle for my brain.
When I knew something more was happening. When the institution that could have found this and helped me through it was betraying me because I am of no significance... I was too alone
My friends and family just don't give enough of a shit to help me get the help I need.
They don't care enough to care. And many will even make me wrong just to ease their burden of conscience.
WHAT A FREAKING SHIT SHOW!
And right now, in this moment, I have to be very very careful because I want to blow up on a whole lot of people in a very big way that will only prove them right for being such shitty friends... So why the hell not?
I don't want them or need them!
....
I'm having to work real hard to talk myself out of sending a lot of angry words.
So I suppose I will tell you why the hell not: because it will always hurt and it will never satisfy. They will never care, they will never listen, they have me pegged and nothing I can do will change that. It does not matter to them that I have been literally fighting for my life, my brain, my stability, my sanity, even my family, they don't care and will not see. They will just spread more bad words and be even bigger jerks, justified no matter what I do.
But I know they are not.
And it hurts
a lot
over and over again
but I will not stoop to their level of apathy or ignorant disregard for a person who has been their friend.
Those friends are not likely to read this and if they do I doubt it will change anything but in the event that one or two might, YOUR WELCOME for not blowing up on you or being the pain in the ass you think I am or have even accused me of being. Your welcome for not pointing out how shitty it for a nurse friend that suspected mania, to say things like “I can’t believe your still talking about this” when I come to you for help as it is first  dawnsInt on my manic broken brain that I may have been being groomed and that may have been part of why I was still so screwed up and hung up on things
Your Welcome to all of you that this anger applies to for not blowing up on you and for exposing how shitty you can be.
But  if you are a friend or family that Actually does care please consider reaching out to help me fight this problem that is bigger than just me. Please lend some support where you can to help hold the Neuroscience Institute accountable and to educate the "experts" so that we, people with TBI's, can actually get the help we need before further damage is done AND so that the harm that is being caused by the medical and psychological providers stops!
...and maybe I won't be arguing both sides...  I already tried. I already tried to give them the benefit of the doubt 1000x10 times, but all they have done is use it against me.

Arguing Both Sides

So here is something I have noticed about people: They often work like pendulums, often erring too far in the opposite direction to try and compensate for mistakes they have made. Or, maybe even more common, they swing to far the other way to try and compensate for mistakes others have made that they felt had a negative effect on them. Which often, ironically, leads to the very same outcome or something at least as "bad;" sometimes even worse.
I find that I pendulum swing.
At one point I was having a conversation with my husband about how I have been so insecure and how I have far too often allowed myself to be treated as a second class citizen. I told him that I hope I don't pendulum swing too far in the other directions as I try to figure out some of these very delicate psychological, psychological, social and cultural balances. He said, "you will." the following conversation proved that he was not saying this to be snide but rather letting me know that it was to be expected, allowed and even okay. He also expressed his confidence in me and my solving skills because he knows that I'll not stay too far one way but will continue to work to find an appropriate center. This conversation meant a lot to me.
And as I allow the pendulums of me to swing I think on
This innocence thing... and Occam's razor...
*
I can honestly argue both sides and I have. But what it really seems to come down to is that the term "ethical" is treated, within the industry and from people in positions of power, as if psychologists and doctors have exclusive rights, so what ever they deem is ethical is unquestionably accepted as such regardless of whether the taken action really is ethical or not.
Truthfully, if all were playing fair and according to the spirit of their laws, (not the easily convoluted the letters of the laws), they all know I should not have been treated the way I was, blamed and shamed, or accused of "behaving inappropriately" -which, by-the-way, is also quite stupid because they also have it documented that I was not being terminated for doing anything wrong.
...and considering what I was dealing with, handling and managing through, the only thing "inappropriate" about my behavior was that I wasn't "inappropriate" enough to keep them from being able to deny what I was physiologically going through and trying to manage.
It was so convoluted. and I don't want to dig up too much, but I have some things that are running through my head again that I think are worth writing about. Some of those things point to deviant and others point to not-so-deviant.
And I wonder if there was some pendulum swinging that led to Dear Dr. He's possible deviance with me.
I know my pendulum has been all over the place and while body chemistry is not swinging so wildly anymore I still have many troubles to balance out and as I try to compartmentalize and move on some things are nagging. There are issues here that are significant and relevant to more than just me. My situation exposes problems that need to be addressed on a much larger scale than just me and my situation.  And as I try to figure out how this is to be done I feel it important to share a few of the remembered phrases that beg to be explained (not listed in order except the last):
"I do not believe in forever anymore"
"I told you not to try and solve this."
"You only see what I allow you to see."
"I could lose my license because of you"
"I wonder if sharing this [painting] with me is like exposing yourself to a lover for the first time?"
"I am not meant to be with just one woman."
"You love me?" (inflection of significance)
"I am a snake?" (inflection of significance)
"Do you want a hug?"
"I have tested your brain in ways you don't know"
"I don't do well with blurred boundaries"
"I do not need more friends"
"At least you have that outlet"
"I am good at connecting with people"
"I could never really open up and be vulnerable with you because I would always want to protect you"
"because of how easily we connected and you being an attractive woman I will never have anything to do with you outside of therapy because I could see myself falling in love with you"
"Unfortunately their is still a human element to all of this"
"Why, are you a stalker?"(inflection of significance)
"I would have to be okay with that"
"I am going to let it burn out and I suggest you do the same."
"I am okay with being wrong"
...
So many things said, this is not a complete list, and one could say, "Well taken out of context..." but they are also indications of deviance considering his knowledge and training.
Now I am going to make people uncomfortable with some common knowledge that common folks don't necessarily have but therapists do:
1. It is not uncommon for TBI survivors to become some level of promiscuous after TBI. People who work with TBI survivors know this.
2. TBI, especially in my specific locations, can affect impulse control.
3. One of the very common symptoms of mania is increased sex drive
.... And, dear friends, I have exposed enough of myself on this here blog and eluded to enough that I might has well be straightforward on this topic and openly confess that this was one of my symptoms associated with my mania. And it was intense. I am very lucky I did have an outlet. It may have even been the silver lining that saved my marriage.
I also have significant sympathy for those who have not been as fortunate as I in outlet and upbringing. I cannot even begin to imagine trying to manage that kind of hyper-arousal without a willing and able partner and solid standards and boundaries.
I believe because I was raised with strong and clear values and boundaries about sexual activity and because I do not have the psychological mess that comes with sexual abuse (that far too many girls have) my level of deviance in this area has not been very high after either TBI. My teen years were tricky, but I am proud to say I was a virgin until marriage (at the rip old age of 21) and I did not do anything sexually inappropriate with Dr. He (or any other man/person) even when the odds seemed stacked against me.
So could Dr. He, being a neuropsychologist and a psychologist/therapist before that, really have innocently said and done the things he did? Considering how he "held all the cards," was in a position of power,  knows those 3 common symptoms, implied serious attraction (slyly neither confirmed nor denied but rather implied), and he asked if I wanted a hug, aka physical contact....
...Obviously he was not innocent or he would not have been concerned about loosing his license.
 Yes, he knows better
and processing from stability makes it very clear, which also makes the avoided diagnosing, testing and treating accurately all that much more suspicious and deviant. My guess is that with my intelligence, experience, and my stability was much more threatening to them then my instability. In other words keeping me unstable made hiding their mistakes and deviance easier if I had been stable and/or stabilized. I didn't stand a chance going up against them in my instability, but in my stability I did. Does not matter that all I wanted was help in stabilizing and I was not interested in pursuing any type of action against them for their mistakes.
hmmm, the entire institution then appears to be deviant to an almost incomprehensible level, don't they?

And yet I still would give him the benefit of the doubt, had they not compromised my safety by denying mania and continuing down the path of misdiagnosis when those manic symptoms should have alerted them to what I had been trying to tell everyone all along; that there was something more going on with my head and that I felt I was manifesting better than my brain was really doing. MRI and doctors that are not trying to deny and hide have confirmed this.
But,
even still,
maybe due to the bizarre form of a Pollyanna that I am,
and having lived being me and not me due to head injury,
I know that things are often not as they seem and sometimes people really are much more innocent than they are manifesting ...
-and I even still, in spite of all that he has proven to me about how little regard he has for me, my health and my safety, I am trying to protect him and feel bad sharing so publicly the things he said that could get him into trouble, even though I know these conversations need to be had. Is it sad and silly that I would still wish to protect him and make amends with them? aah the oddities of human psychology-
sooo
My next blog entry will argue the other side
....Duhn Duhn Duhn...
to be continued...
 *PLEASE NOTE: I would rather, and I have made every reasonable effort I could to, have the following conversation with Dr. He, and the Intermountain Neuroscience Institute, however, they have not only refused to allow any conversation about this or clarification on diagnosis and prognosis, but have also retaliated by tainting my medical records, terminating me form the entire facility and have a lawyer threaten me, using false allegations, in an attempt to quiet me about what happened to me there.

Dr. She and telling this story

Conversation with Attorney Friend has me processing all over again, which, honestly is kind of annoying, but still somehow helpful.
I talked with Dr. She today. She explains what Attorney Friend does not understand about my situation: that under the circumstances of his profession and training there is no such thing as innocent flirting. The only innocence can be from my side of things and they are trained to handle that. They know that not only is no flirting allowed but that it can also be very harmful to the client.
 It is good that she explains this to me again and I see that, even though it is annoying, processing this again from my current mental state it is actually not a bad thing. I even had explained this without realizing how accurate I was to Attorney Friend; that ultimately as the rules for his profession stand they imply that any form of flirting by the therapist is a form of grooming.
I have a very clear understanding of this now and my processing is helping me still.
AND
Most exciting, I am not a mess. I can actually handle it this time and there have been no or almost no tears. This time my heart is still whole and my confidence holds.
I AM SO HAPPY about these details.
I point out to Dr. She that I have had to process this from so many different places, stages and phases.
And I also point out how the betrayal feels so widespread because of how vulnerable I really was and how unwilling anyone was to help or report. And why is that? Basically because it is so incomprehensible to people; therefore they would rather make you wrong.
Hell, I was even doing it to myself; constantly looking for reasons to believe and trust them when my best interest was the last thing they cared about.
Through fresh eyes, and armed with the power of knowledge and experience, I now KNOW he was very deviant in his intentions with me... He knows far too much to be able to claim innocence.
My intuition and many years of experience and education from the other side of the couch are not insignificant and should not be ignored.

Occam's razor - The Complexity of over Simplifying

Innocent and debatable....
maybe I am continuing that.
But holy crap, and other not so nice exclamatories,
what a mess I was in those days of the breaking of me by D -ea- r. Perri Cherie (Dr. He).
It was not at all fair.
...
I am writing again, The attempt at a book about my adventures in that Weird Wonderland.
I am very pleased to report that the burdens have lifted significantly. My review, to help lift the heavy burden of the need to warn others, has worked and is holding with minimal efforts.
I am glad for that.
And it is making it possible for me to write about out my very bizarre mind altered experiences without being triggered or breaking apart emotionally.
I am letting go.
While and by doing something about it.
But it has not been easy and when I go back and read the things I wrote at that point in breaking time it is very clear why.
...
Occam's razor
Attorney friend mentioned with the thought that maybe it really was as simple as he "was attracted to you and it is just not that hard to believe"
But Occam's razor as described by the wikipedia link is that the solution is simple. That would have been the problem, not the solution.
It is possible that was the main problem. And if the problem was that simple they may have oversimplified their solution to the problem: get rid of me.
Which, unfortunately, becomes very complex for me because that was not my problem, nor why I was there.
Honestly, in looking at it from the problem perspective and not the solution, I think this situation may be opposite of an Occam's razor in that the problem was not simple, but rather complex simply because of the sheer number of issues that came into play:
1. I had a TBI that was misdiagnosed or under diagnosed and this was still unknown or being denied at that point in time
2. I was dealing with a very real form of PTSD which
3. had me processing this head injury from both a childish and adult place
4. I was having memories return
5. Dr. He had some of his own emotional baggage he was dealing with
6. transference
7. countertransference
8. he had blurred boundaries with me
9. I did not realize #7 or the extent or reality of #8
10. I loved and trusted him maybe too much and for many reasons
11. He was not just a therapist for me but also a medical provider
12. He had developed feelings
13. He was scared and acting on his fears
14. I was paying for his services
15. My patient rights were denied but I was still expected to pay for services that I was not allowed clarification on
16. I was, in fact, manic and NO that is not debatable if the definition is what it is.
17. the simplicity of a therapist being attracted to a client is not allowed and is forbidden and taboo in the industry or psychology. It is also handled really stupidly in an overly simplified way that is simply abusive to the client. It is a perpetuation of problems, abuses and harm they have likely experienced in their past.
...
I am sure their are more
but my point is, it was not one simple problem which means utilizing the standard of one overly simplified solution was not likely the best or most responsible solution; that overly simplified solution being: the expectation of immediate termination it a therapist has not kept countertransference in check (as mentioned in problem 17).
A simple solution, yes. A good or responsible solution? HELL NO!
However, I do believe the best solution, especially if only one is allowed, was very simple:
Listen to me and treat me for the symptoms I was experiencing. They even have this as a solution as listed in their Patient Rights, but they refused to honor those for me.
That very simple solution would have made a world of difference. It would have ended the insanity quickly which would have brought me to this point of stability much quicker and with much less pain and trauma to myself, my kids, my husband, the institution itself and probably even Dear Perri Cherie.
and in all honesty
I think the solution is still rather simple, the Neuroscience Institute could actually respectfully try to talk with me and consider utilizing me and my expertise. They could learn, I could learn, and we could all work together to make some seriously needed and beneficial changes that could help them treat more people more effectively and really improve the outcomes for TBI survivors.
It really can be just that simple.
But alas, they have not allowed it to be, and have vilified me, which suggests that true simple problem really is deviant and their most simple solution was to cover and hide.
So, as much as I love this idea of the problem simply being an innocent attraction, it just is not so and,
going back to what I actually originally came on here to write about,
my documenting of what was happening to me, my "Self discovery report" proves this easily because I was clearly not of sound mind and not being treated correctly by the experts that had a responsibility and obligation to help me.
...
As far as the writing goes, that crap is intense and bizarre.
And as I try to write the book, about that time in my life, I realize, regardless of how embarrassing it is, I am going to have to include some of that crap in my book. I will need to include it because, in my right mind, I am incapable of effectively illustrating that level of intensity and insanity and any attempt will fall short in helping people to see the reality of what someone is truly experiencing when they are broken like I was.
...Yet, apparently, from an outside perspective I was managing well enough. ???
Psychologists and doctors still have a lot to learn and a very long way to go
and
It is not until they start listening to the other side, stop stigmatizing and negative stereotyping their patient/clients, and until they stop punishing, vilifying, ignoring, and/or feeling threatened by people who are actually managing their mental health/illnesses well that they will truly start progressing, improving diagnosis and treatment options, and helping people on a larger and more consistent scale.
And if Occam's razor applies to any of this, maybe it is in that way, because the most simple solution usually starts first with first seeking to understand (Covey). 

Innocent and Debatable

Innocent
Unfortunately their is nothing innocent about how I was handled.
And the worst part is I have to constantly remember this. It is the battle my little brain and heart have to constantly duke out.
I cannot allow the tempting thoughts of innocence to creep back in
Because it breaks me in so many ways
that people just cannot understand unless they have experienced it.
There are a couple of haunting thoughts that are lingering.
1: this idea of it being a somewhat innocent flirting scenario. Sometimes I am so naive that I forget what this suggests about me; that I was there flirting and playing with that man. This subject can be debatable. I am playful and maybe I flirt more than I realize. My Peruvian friend had a name for this that I can't recall but that is given to women who are either really bad at flirting when they try to flirt and/or are super flirtatious without realizing they are. It was suggested that I may be the latter. Considering some of the things I was appalled to learn that my husband thought about me and my motives prior to marriage, I suppose I just might be that Peruvian slang term that sounds something like Gila monster but I don't remember.
However that, in a therapeutic relationship, is where the innocence ends. With me.
Therapists are not supposed to flirt. That is against their training and ethics. They are also supposed to be able to identify the different types of flirting and reasons for it if it is coming from their clients. I wonder how good the training and information on this is? Or if their training is heavily bias and it is something more akin to my previous blog entry titled "the Seductress" resulting in therapists mainly believing that a client is up to no good if they think the client is flirting. This may be the main interpretation within the industry, which in all reality, (and I will speak my opinion as if it were fact) is stupid.
To me, I thought of that man as a friend. Once upon a time I knew better, and fundamentally I knew better, but my brokenness and vulnerability had him pegged as that to me. I also did not consider myself to be any sort of threat or temptation. It was not until I broke, after he put distance between us after I spoke of how our work together had helped me in my relationship with my husband and he left me heartbroken and in tears with "unfortunately their is still a human element to all of this"  that I ever even considered there might be something more there for him than a therapeutic relationship. I knew I was getting attached but I also knew (or thought I knew) that it ended there, being only reflective of my own feelings, his previous "flirtations" or suggestions nothing more than innocent playfulness or his professional testing of my feelings toward him. It never occurred to me that he may have actually been flirting or planting suggestions.
That moment that broke me was a beautiful and tragic moment that altered the course of everything. Now I realize that even in spite of ones training and expertise people do make mistakes, and I was genuinely okay with that. For this reason, even though he was trained to know and behave better I did believe it may have had some level of innocence and sincerity
but
I cannot now accept it as that because of how I was treated and handled. Even in that very moment. He was breaking me and he saw that I was hurting but he proceeded down that path. It may have been anger, fear, jealousy, self-preservation, or some other emotion that he was acting on, but ultimately I was being punished for his pain and suffering and that is where any innocence ends.
ESPECIALLY when that person is a medical provider and/or in a position of power over another. And his position of power over me was compounded and compounding as I was breaking. I was highly vulnerable in more than just one way, I loved and trusted him, he was a professional paid for service, he has a PhD - is trained and regarded as a specialist in his field, and the specialist that was especially relevant to me. He also is with an institution that has significant power and influence. IHC power within our state just may be to the degree of "absolute power corrupts absolutely." Therefore, flirting from his position with me was not innocent. And he knows it or he'd not have ever been concerned that he could loose his license because of me.
This is working out to be longer than I thought I needed it to be.
This means these thoughts and my innocent affections for him are wanting to be reinstated and entertained again and I am fighting to keep them at bay, because, as we have already established, they are neither wise nor healthy.
So I'll let this blog entry processing be. Even when so stable I have to keep fighting to keep my heart together and my mind free of the hauntings of He.
I will move onto haunting thought #2:
Attorney Friend said something about how the mania I experienced is debatable. Now I understand his point was that in a court and legal settings the Neuroscience Institute would bring in their own "experts" and make it debatable, but in reality people believing that mania is debatable is so completely stupid. I know because I was thinking along those same lines while I was living it. The reason I was thinking along those same lines was because Dear Dr. He missed or dismissed it and then in their "investigation" (to be read/said with the utmost sarcasm) they made it debatable.
AND there in lies the problem, trying to make an actual physiological and physical conditions debatable.
I was so jacked up. And I knew I was too much. I could physically feel my body chemistry surging. I was not sleeping, I was all kinds of crazy. It was fun, exciting, exhilarating, and beautiful at times, but those same things that made it feel like all of that were also very dangerous and bodies cannot maintain those kind of highs; whether they are happening biologically or as a response to artificially introduced chemicals, your body will burn up and burn out. Mine was not drug induced, it was biological broken brain and possibly careless therapist induced and insanely intense or intensely insane. But ask my husband and my kids and they can tell you it was not debatable.
It is stupid and obnoxious that people will try to label it as such. It is like saying diabetes is debatable, or even childbirth. Childbirth, I know, seems like a incompatible comparison here because childbirth results in the very-solid-evidence-form of a child, but I don't think it is so irrelevant because my mania resulted in the birth of a whole lot of physical evidence too... emails, this blog, some videos, the books worth of obsessive processing and writing that I brought with me to my last appointment with Dear Perri Cherie, to make sure "it," whatever "it" was, was not missed, my art, an expensive yellow Italian leather purse, Italian traffic tickets etc... There is physical evidence that was not there before and that does not come with or from a stable me. I mean really, who gives a crap about an Italian leather purse made in Italy? Maybe a lot of people do but I really don't, at least not at that price.
So while you or others may think it is debatable I know that it is not. I do not have the luxury of thinking or believing it is. To do so puts me in a very bad place.
In fact I believe making that kind of shit debatable is what leads to things like Laurie Vallow.
Just because a person is intelligent and can visibly manage the insanity of TBI, mania and/or other brain dysfunctions does not mean that the actual physiological problem does not exist or is debatable. If we are having psychological problems/symptoms don't try to make it debatable, Look into it and TREAT US. That is what an innocent man and institution would do.
Is that debatable too?
Maybe if we stopped making it so, then people would start listening and treating honestly.

Tools and Toys

Tools
I think it might be worthwhile to dedicate my entries to tools. The tools I have and that I utilize that make me a success story in the world of Mental Health and TBI.
I also think I may need to explain the reality of my mental health related and TBI issues but I don't want to devote too much time to that today.
And I still like the idea of using this blog to continue to help me process as I write out some of my experiences, emotions and thinking.
So maybe todays highlighted tool is the tool of writing it out. It can be a very helpful process in sorting thoughts and feelings. When I allow myself to write it out it really helps me see and sort what I am experiencing internally. I can also use it to guide me into a direction. I can let it out and then turn it around. I can write to real and/or imagined audiences. I can be noble or selfish and all shades in between in my aspirations. etc. etc.
Today I met with my accident attorney who also is an old casual friend from junior high and high school. I am grateful to have him as my attorney. He is honest and forthright with me. He tells me the reality of the situation from what he knows on his side of things. He has also been quite patient with me when I was rather lost in alternate realities, when I was suspicious and untrusting of him as well, when I was sure I was going to need to dump him and try to settle things with the insurance company on my own because my whole world was falling apart and I felt I could not trust anyone nor afford them because I was certain I would be entirely alone soon. I am grateful he was patient and understanding as much as he could be when I later realized the errors of my unstable thinking and distrust of him.
Today I got to meet with him in person and we had good conversation. I love good conversation with people. We covered a lot of ground. Some relevant to my case with the car accident, some relevant to the malpractice pursuit and other just-conversation-stuff that wove in and out of relevance to why I was there.
At one point he asked if it is possible that what happened with Dr. He might have been mostly innocent. My friend gave me a bit of the male perspective, explaining how stupid men can be when they are ... not sure how to word this, I supposed sexually driven is the most direct route; but attracted and other words were closer to what he used. He wonders if it was a more innocent flirting kind of situation and that maybe, deep down, Mr. He hoped would go somewhere physical.
Here is where psychology gets funny, stupid and interesting.
I find myself testing this friend with words like, "do you really think I hold that much power?" "Do you really think I am that special? And that I am the only one?" and "Do you really think I am capable of breaking a neuropsychologist to that level?"
Intellectually we all know better than to believe this if we break down the reality of the situation and look at the level of his power position over me.
Yet men will suggest to me that I hold this kind of power.
Which, I have to admit, is really flattering. Especially coming from a ...hmm gotta think of a name for  attorney friend... He is attractive, extremely intelligent and was always well known and well liked... And I can't seem to think of an appropriate name so I guess Attorney Friend will have to do.
... so; Especially coming form an Attorney Friend.
SO, naturally, (or not) I later found myself questioning my motives a bit. Was I fishing for the compliments? Was I fishing for his comment about how some women really do underestimate their appeal?
Maybe a little I was. I think if I am being completely honest I am certain that came into a subconscious play. But I was also truth seeking. Am I more than I think to men? I have come to accept that, at times, I probably am.
And it is tempting to believe that maybe it was that way with Dear Perri Cherie. That maybe it was pretty innocent and I really am all that and a bag of chips. I want that to be the truth.
but
but
But
Those are the motives I really have to question; My motives in believing that. First why would I want to believe that and second how does it benefit me in believing that?
1. It is flattering and fun to believe that about oneself.
2. I want to believe in the good in others and I want more than anything to believe that Mr. Cherie is all that I felt and believed he was.
3. I loved him and maybe if that is true there is still a chance that things can be worked out for the best for everyone... Maybe I really can get resolution there and with the Neuroscience Institute. Maybe I really could help them and they me. Maybe, if I try again, in a different form, they will listen this time...
and already do you see the slippery slope this kind of thinking and flattery absorption can start heading me down?
So what is the benefit in me believing that?
Believing this maybe can get me out of the burden of conscience that tells me I have to report him.
Other than that, in all reality, I don't think there are any other benefits to thinking that way.
However there are a whole lot of problems that come with thinking that way, especially considering the intensity of my feelings and perceptions and my trust and faith in him (and his institution).
So, though it may be tempting to allow myself to be so flattered, I do not think that is a good rabbit hole to head down.
So I counter with the facts and what I know from personal experience and research. And I find it is important to remember that he has shown time and time again, that he does not care, that it was not as I perceived it to be and that he will do anything, no matter the expense to me, to protect himself from the mistakes HE made with me (even though I was never a threat).
In reality I know I was simply a toy for him. When I broke from his games, he was scared and he did not care about what happened to me. He also knew, a bit too well, how to cover and hide his mistakes. The Institution he works for did not heed any red flags on my behalf. They did not listen to the symptoms I was manifesting, they jumped on the denial and trying to pass me off to others without a clear picture of exactly what they were passing off for and why. It was all a cover up. They made me out to be things I was not and he used everything he could against me.
In reality, even if it was something so flattering, I was the one who was absolutely blamed, shamed and stigmatized by the people who had absolute power over me and my records. They have the power to check whatever boxes they wanted. They have the power to make it difficult to figure anything out at all and they did, even when it broke me more and was literally burning me out and down.
That is not so flattering.
And in reality I know that we are never the only one.
So as much as I would love to believe that this man "innocently" fell for me, I know that is not the truth or the whole picture.
and
And
AND
People need to understand that psychologist are trained to know better and behave better. Even if it was innocent, it was not at all appropriate for the fault, burdens, and consequences of his irresponsibility to fall so heavily on me and me alone. He knows better. He knows better in a lot of ways. He knows he screwed me up and if he really truly does not, then he really truly is incompetent and maybe should to be removed for his position.
Attorney Friend and I talk about some of these points, though not all, and Attorney Friend recognizes the level differences in his position of power over me. We were not on a level playing field and even if, at one point/moment, we were, Dear Perri worked hard to imbalance that power again to his favor. Thus it became, not simply misunderstanding or innocent mistakes but an abuse of power.
Even my husband, who knows I am not a willing victim, has pointed out that it was not just simple misconduct or malpractice but it was abuse. Abuse of power and authority over another. Abuse of affections. And maybe even utilizing flattery to manipulate.
I wish I could believe the flattery but that only proves to hurt me and others.
I do wonder though, if maybe he can't let go of the flattery I was to him and his ego; the flattery of believing I was simply obsessed with him. Whatever it is, it has not been at all fair to me and that is not what people do to people they genuinely care about. That is not how honest or innocent doctors treat patients that they care about.
I was a toy.
That did not play the way he wanted me to.
That is all.
and I am processed out.
.
Tools in my belt:
Thinking things through
Being realistic
Ability to forgive
Ability to speak and listen with an open heart and an open mind
Honesty with myself
Balancing the flattery and criticism
Gratitude
Standing up and speaking out when necessary.
and patient Attorney Friends who take the time to be a friend when they can.

Sorrow and Passion

Life is so full of disappointments. You think you have chosen correctly. You think you are doing the right thing for yourself or your family only to have circumstances, completely beyond your control, stop your plans dead in their  tracks.
Yesterday, while driving with my family, I noticed a Juniper looking tree that was perfectly tear drop shaped on one side while the other sides branches broke the perfect symmetry by jutting out just below the neck of the tear drop where the plump body begins to curve. Those branches took a shape more similar to fire than to water.
I thought it curious and I wanted to paint a shape like that.
Today, as I pondered our families most recent disappointment and heart break, I thought it might be a good time to allow myself to paint that shape.
This is one of my very few, somewhat intentional paintings. It is meant to be pondered.

I don’t claim talent or skill at painting, but I do believe it to be a healthy outlet and one of the more luxurious tools I am very fortunate and grateful to have in my tool belt. And I’m immensely grateful for my sister-in-law who introduced me to this tool and taught me how to utilize it in beneficial ways. 💕

A Success Story

Sometimes I have so much in my head I can't get any one thing done. Right now is like that but FORTUNATELY it is not the racing manic variety. Right now it is a matter of where to start and how to accomplish those things I feel are my life's purpose.
It is trying to keep straight all that I need to get back to, all that I need to start, and all that I have to do regularly everyday.
I have a lot to sort and make decisions about.
I need to prioritize and maybe even let go of some of my dreams and previous goals.
And sometimes that can be a bit overwhelming
especially for a brain that is inclined to be deficient in "executive functioning"
and that has lower cognitive stamina
but a whole lot of good ideas, hope, and passion etc.
blah blah blah...
So ramble, I will, because this free flow format is often more productive for me than my structured plans.
Dr. She
I like her.
Sometimes I am not sure if I can really trust her, but I keep choosing to anyway and that still seems to be most effective. Monday we covered a lot. I told her how I felt a bit betrayed by some of the wording in her  neuropsychological evaluation of me. I told her how I felt a little betrayed by how she responded to the idea of me going back to school that day. I told her how I decided to handle and work through these issues in my mind. I told her how it is possible because medication is working and because I am not the negative stereotypes reported in the whatever test that has the negative wording. I told her how I realized some of my feelings of betrayal were exactly what she warned me about in regards to the wording of that one test report. We had some very good conversation. There were moments where I think she was a little nervous and concerned that I was misinterpreting her and her intentions. Their were moments I was worried she would misinterpret me and my intentions.  But you know what? We worked through it.
Ahhh and big sigh of extra satisfied relief.
Now on to this idea of going back to get a masters or, preferably, a PHD in the field of psychology:
Dr. She has said so many things that have encouraged me and I was under the impression that she really liked this idea and even thought I could really make a difference, have an impact. This is why I felt a bit betrayed when she put so much emphasis on how hard it would be for me because of my deficits. It stung a bit. I had to make a choice.
My choice to trust her suggested to me the idea that maybe she just wanted to make sure I understood the reality.
She confirmed this in our conversation on Monday. She does not want me to go into it blind or with unrealistic expectations of myself because she fears how that might effect me. I am glad. And I am glad that her doubt was expressed because it also lit a bit of a fire as my internal dialogue boldly demanded, "well what the hell else am I going to do?"
You see, no matter what I do it is going to wear me out. That is the reality of my new norm. Any full time job is pretty unrealistic if I care to have any emotional stability or energy left for anything else. So I might as well do something I am passionate about, have a lot of experience with and knowledge about, and that I want to do.
I explained to Dr. She what I know and how I feel I will need to play to my strengths of experience. I reassured her that if that does not work then I don't want to be in the industry anyway.
She liked this idea of me utilizing and playing to my strength of experience and said something about how the industry loves a success story...
... and that there is what makes me smile
even tear up a little.
because
I AM a success story.
I have succeeded at managing and/or overcoming TBI, suicidal drives, depression, anxiety, a whole lot of negative thinking patterns, hypomania, PTSD, and mania -to name a few. None of those are small feats but the last, mania, that's an especially big deal that I am pretty proud of. Especially considering the context, circumstances and opposition I had.
And the suicidal stuff, I am pretty proud of that too because I have overcome and beat a significant many forms of that creature. Some very powerful.
And I am happy. I am grateful. I have a beautiful life, a sense of meaning, purpose, satisfaction and self.
So I am a success story!
I could end there, and maybe I should because the next point I would like to make merits its own venue and series,
but I will not end there because this next point is so important to my success I feel it should never be left out.
Over the last few days I have reflected on why and how I am a success story and I have come to find that I love my success story and how truly beautiful it is because it is not just me and my story;
My success story is a tapestry of so many people and influences.
I am only a success because of the help I have had from others.
Even when I was so very alone, I was not without assistance and I was not completely alone. I could have easily continued down the progressive path of isolation. I could have easily become absolutely alone, but I did not. Instead I continued to choose to let people in and to trust even when I knew I could not. I continued to fight to recognize the positives I had from other people past and present. As safe guarded as I was, and needed to be, I continued to reach out and I continued to try to connect with other people in positive ways. And fortunately enough people responded with enough positive regard. Fortunately I had built enough of a foundation of positive personal development with the help of others. Fortunately I had chosen to let into my mind and heart enough influence from professionals and people from so many walks of life that when I was at rock bottom I did have a solid foundation to build on, even if in that moment I really was completely alone.
There really is no such thing as an entirely self-made man.
Success is impossible to achieve entirely alone -unless being entirely alone and entirely self sufficient is a persons definition of success.
Ultimately we ARE all in this together and we need other people.
Ultimately my success is your success and that is exactly why I am a success story.
And what a truly beautiful story we are.
💕