Arguing Both Sides

So here is something I have noticed about people: They often work like pendulums, often erring too far in the opposite direction to try and compensate for mistakes they have made. Or, maybe even more common, they swing to far the other way to try and compensate for mistakes others have made that they felt had a negative effect on them. Which often, ironically, leads to the very same outcome or something at least as "bad;" sometimes even worse.
I find that I pendulum swing.
At one point I was having a conversation with my husband about how I have been so insecure and how I have far too often allowed myself to be treated as a second class citizen. I told him that I hope I don't pendulum swing too far in the other directions as I try to figure out some of these very delicate psychological, psychological, social and cultural balances. He said, "you will." the following conversation proved that he was not saying this to be snide but rather letting me know that it was to be expected, allowed and even okay. He also expressed his confidence in me and my solving skills because he knows that I'll not stay too far one way but will continue to work to find an appropriate center. This conversation meant a lot to me.
And as I allow the pendulums of me to swing I think on
This innocence thing... and Occam's razor...
*
I can honestly argue both sides and I have. But what it really seems to come down to is that the term "ethical" is treated, within the industry and from people in positions of power, as if psychologists and doctors have exclusive rights, so what ever they deem is ethical is unquestionably accepted as such regardless of whether the taken action really is ethical or not.
Truthfully, if all were playing fair and according to the spirit of their laws, (not the easily convoluted the letters of the laws), they all know I should not have been treated the way I was, blamed and shamed, or accused of "behaving inappropriately" -which, by-the-way, is also quite stupid because they also have it documented that I was not being terminated for doing anything wrong.
...and considering what I was dealing with, handling and managing through, the only thing "inappropriate" about my behavior was that I wasn't "inappropriate" enough to keep them from being able to deny what I was physiologically going through and trying to manage.
It was so convoluted. and I don't want to dig up too much, but I have some things that are running through my head again that I think are worth writing about. Some of those things point to deviant and others point to not-so-deviant.
And I wonder if there was some pendulum swinging that led to Dear Dr. He's possible deviance with me.
I know my pendulum has been all over the place and while body chemistry is not swinging so wildly anymore I still have many troubles to balance out and as I try to compartmentalize and move on some things are nagging. There are issues here that are significant and relevant to more than just me. My situation exposes problems that need to be addressed on a much larger scale than just me and my situation.  And as I try to figure out how this is to be done I feel it important to share a few of the remembered phrases that beg to be explained (not listed in order except the last):
"I do not believe in forever anymore"
"I told you not to try and solve this."
"You only see what I allow you to see."
"I could lose my license because of you"
"I wonder if sharing this [painting] with me is like exposing yourself to a lover for the first time?"
"I am not meant to be with just one woman."
"You love me?" (inflection of significance)
"I am a snake?" (inflection of significance)
"Do you want a hug?"
"I have tested your brain in ways you don't know"
"I don't do well with blurred boundaries"
"I do not need more friends"
"At least you have that outlet"
"I am good at connecting with people"
"I could never really open up and be vulnerable with you because I would always want to protect you"
"because of how easily we connected and you being an attractive woman I will never have anything to do with you outside of therapy because I could see myself falling in love with you"
"Unfortunately their is still a human element to all of this"
"Why, are you a stalker?"(inflection of significance)
"I would have to be okay with that"
"I am going to let it burn out and I suggest you do the same."
"I am okay with being wrong"
...
So many things said, this is not a complete list, and one could say, "Well taken out of context..." but they are also indications of deviance considering his knowledge and training.
Now I am going to make people uncomfortable with some common knowledge that common folks don't necessarily have but therapists do:
1. It is not uncommon for TBI survivors to become some level of promiscuous after TBI. People who work with TBI survivors know this.
2. TBI, especially in my specific locations, can affect impulse control.
3. One of the very common symptoms of mania is increased sex drive
.... And, dear friends, I have exposed enough of myself on this here blog and eluded to enough that I might has well be straightforward on this topic and openly confess that this was one of my symptoms associated with my mania. And it was intense. I am very lucky I did have an outlet. It may have even been the silver lining that saved my marriage.
I also have significant sympathy for those who have not been as fortunate as I in outlet and upbringing. I cannot even begin to imagine trying to manage that kind of hyper-arousal without a willing and able partner and solid standards and boundaries.
I believe because I was raised with strong and clear values and boundaries about sexual activity and because I do not have the psychological mess that comes with sexual abuse (that far too many girls have) my level of deviance in this area has not been very high after either TBI. My teen years were tricky, but I am proud to say I was a virgin until marriage (at the rip old age of 21) and I did not do anything sexually inappropriate with Dr. He (or any other man/person) even when the odds seemed stacked against me.
So could Dr. He, being a neuropsychologist and a psychologist/therapist before that, really have innocently said and done the things he did? Considering how he "held all the cards," was in a position of power,  knows those 3 common symptoms, implied serious attraction (slyly neither confirmed nor denied but rather implied), and he asked if I wanted a hug, aka physical contact....
...Obviously he was not innocent or he would not have been concerned about loosing his license.
 Yes, he knows better
and processing from stability makes it very clear, which also makes the avoided diagnosing, testing and treating accurately all that much more suspicious and deviant. My guess is that with my intelligence, experience, and my stability was much more threatening to them then my instability. In other words keeping me unstable made hiding their mistakes and deviance easier if I had been stable and/or stabilized. I didn't stand a chance going up against them in my instability, but in my stability I did. Does not matter that all I wanted was help in stabilizing and I was not interested in pursuing any type of action against them for their mistakes.
hmmm, the entire institution then appears to be deviant to an almost incomprehensible level, don't they?

And yet I still would give him the benefit of the doubt, had they not compromised my safety by denying mania and continuing down the path of misdiagnosis when those manic symptoms should have alerted them to what I had been trying to tell everyone all along; that there was something more going on with my head and that I felt I was manifesting better than my brain was really doing. MRI and doctors that are not trying to deny and hide have confirmed this.
But,
even still,
maybe due to the bizarre form of a Pollyanna that I am,
and having lived being me and not me due to head injury,
I know that things are often not as they seem and sometimes people really are much more innocent than they are manifesting ...
-and I even still, in spite of all that he has proven to me about how little regard he has for me, my health and my safety, I am trying to protect him and feel bad sharing so publicly the things he said that could get him into trouble, even though I know these conversations need to be had. Is it sad and silly that I would still wish to protect him and make amends with them? aah the oddities of human psychology-
sooo
My next blog entry will argue the other side
....Duhn Duhn Duhn...
to be continued...
 *PLEASE NOTE: I would rather, and I have made every reasonable effort I could to, have the following conversation with Dr. He, and the Intermountain Neuroscience Institute, however, they have not only refused to allow any conversation about this or clarification on diagnosis and prognosis, but have also retaliated by tainting my medical records, terminating me form the entire facility and have a lawyer threaten me, using false allegations, in an attempt to quiet me about what happened to me there.