So today has been rough as more harsh realities, that far too many people face, are hitting again.
I have people making me wrong again to ease their burden of conscience. I am getting very tired of that common and tragic human trait.
I am trying to gauge if some of the issues may be due to a pendulum swing in me. I am determined to be patient and kind to myself. I know I at least deserve that.
I think about being triggered yesterday and I think my emotions may be a bit heightened still from that. I have thought to delete, or "revert to draft," my post from yesterday. But I think I need to leave it to be true to the reality of wretched parts of this processing and progressing business.
I am entitled to have bad moments. My brain has to work extra hard at impulse control anyway soo I may have allowed it to not-have-to work so hard at it yesterday.
I did edit the facebook post and took off the link to the blog post... because I really do understand the harsh realities of judgments I will not escape.
As my pendulum swings, I may be too blunt and even without meaning to I am often calling people out on their shit so I probably do that too much.
Sigh...
sigh...
sigh...
I have learned so very much through this process and the harsh realities of life really are so harsh. I remember reading Viktor Frankls book and thinking, "but people are still just like this, only they mask it with their professions" and it is very disturbing.
People go along with abuse all of the time, people don't stand up or speak out when bad things are happening and the people in positions of power far too often do not care about anything other then themselves, money and power. It is very often how they got there. It sounds so cliche and we don't want to believe it but I am seeing it again and again. If you do not have significant wealth or influence you will never win no matter how wrongly you were treated and people will jump right on the bandwagon of perpetuating harm often simply because they want to align themselves with wealth and power.
I think I don't relate very well to this and it seems to cause me a lot of problems.
So when that one guy said, "I am okay with being wrong," I mostly interpreted based on my own perspective and my own innate character which is why I thought he meant something similar to things I have said about being okay with being wrong.
When I have said things like this I meant that it is okay to make mistakes and not beat yourself up over it. I have also said it in the form of, "I would rather say it and be wrong than not say it and be right," in attempt to help others from befalling a negative circumstance. Like warning others about a potential scam or like when I called my ex-brother-in-law out on his abuses and manipulations of my family member. I was right and my speaking up made a difference multiple times. I was okay with being wrong because helping someone else was more important than being comfortably right in my silence.
Renée, my sweet petite guardian angle, has said it so many times because she has lived it and seen it occurring so ridiculously frequently with TBI survivors, that "they [those who did not endure the tragedy] can't handle it [their own pain, your observations, the truth etc.] so they have to make you wrong."
Today, as I repeated what she has taught me about how people "have to make you wrong" Dr. He's words, "I am okay with being wrong," came back into my mind and I realized that he and I were not on the same page in the use of these words. Now I understood what he most likely meant - a thing that I just don't relate well enough to in order to have picked up on the very real threat he was making- that he would make me wrong, that he was okay with making mistakes and would do everything in his power to hide and cover those if he felt they threatened him and his livelihood in any way.
It seems that he meant something completely opposite of what I have used that phrase for.
Yin and Yang.
It is often so hard to see what we don't relate to.
...and I guess I do it too.
but probably far less than you do
because my brain has been cracked open
and so have I;
broken by
the realities of insanity.
I at least know the limitations of my stability
and the delusions of my illusions
Do you?
Not many do
when lateral, efficient, undisturbed, un-traumatized thinking has always worked for them.
It's a neuroplasticity thing, you wouldn't understand
...but you can learn too 😀
And I sincerely hope you do
Because someday you will break too.
Pray it does not get the best of you
because the breakings often do.
It even has a name
We call it Death.
And now I am going to make cookies
because it has been one of those days
...and I am learning
as I continue to work on changing my negative core perceptions of myself
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