Innocent and Debatable

Innocent
Unfortunately their is nothing innocent about how I was handled.
And the worst part is I have to constantly remember this. It is the battle my little brain and heart have to constantly duke out.
I cannot allow the tempting thoughts of innocence to creep back in
Because it breaks me in so many ways
that people just cannot understand unless they have experienced it.
There are a couple of haunting thoughts that are lingering.
1: this idea of it being a somewhat innocent flirting scenario. Sometimes I am so naive that I forget what this suggests about me; that I was there flirting and playing with that man. This subject can be debatable. I am playful and maybe I flirt more than I realize. My Peruvian friend had a name for this that I can't recall but that is given to women who are either really bad at flirting when they try to flirt and/or are super flirtatious without realizing they are. It was suggested that I may be the latter. Considering some of the things I was appalled to learn that my husband thought about me and my motives prior to marriage, I suppose I just might be that Peruvian slang term that sounds something like Gila monster but I don't remember.
However that, in a therapeutic relationship, is where the innocence ends. With me.
Therapists are not supposed to flirt. That is against their training and ethics. They are also supposed to be able to identify the different types of flirting and reasons for it if it is coming from their clients. I wonder how good the training and information on this is? Or if their training is heavily bias and it is something more akin to my previous blog entry titled "the Seductress" resulting in therapists mainly believing that a client is up to no good if they think the client is flirting. This may be the main interpretation within the industry, which in all reality, (and I will speak my opinion as if it were fact) is stupid.
To me, I thought of that man as a friend. Once upon a time I knew better, and fundamentally I knew better, but my brokenness and vulnerability had him pegged as that to me. I also did not consider myself to be any sort of threat or temptation. It was not until I broke, after he put distance between us after I spoke of how our work together had helped me in my relationship with my husband and he left me heartbroken and in tears with "unfortunately their is still a human element to all of this"  that I ever even considered there might be something more there for him than a therapeutic relationship. I knew I was getting attached but I also knew (or thought I knew) that it ended there, being only reflective of my own feelings, his previous "flirtations" or suggestions nothing more than innocent playfulness or his professional testing of my feelings toward him. It never occurred to me that he may have actually been flirting or planting suggestions.
That moment that broke me was a beautiful and tragic moment that altered the course of everything. Now I realize that even in spite of ones training and expertise people do make mistakes, and I was genuinely okay with that. For this reason, even though he was trained to know and behave better I did believe it may have had some level of innocence and sincerity
but
I cannot now accept it as that because of how I was treated and handled. Even in that very moment. He was breaking me and he saw that I was hurting but he proceeded down that path. It may have been anger, fear, jealousy, self-preservation, or some other emotion that he was acting on, but ultimately I was being punished for his pain and suffering and that is where any innocence ends.
ESPECIALLY when that person is a medical provider and/or in a position of power over another. And his position of power over me was compounded and compounding as I was breaking. I was highly vulnerable in more than just one way, I loved and trusted him, he was a professional paid for service, he has a PhD - is trained and regarded as a specialist in his field, and the specialist that was especially relevant to me. He also is with an institution that has significant power and influence. IHC power within our state just may be to the degree of "absolute power corrupts absolutely." Therefore, flirting from his position with me was not innocent. And he knows it or he'd not have ever been concerned that he could loose his license because of me.
This is working out to be longer than I thought I needed it to be.
This means these thoughts and my innocent affections for him are wanting to be reinstated and entertained again and I am fighting to keep them at bay, because, as we have already established, they are neither wise nor healthy.
So I'll let this blog entry processing be. Even when so stable I have to keep fighting to keep my heart together and my mind free of the hauntings of He.
I will move onto haunting thought #2:
Attorney Friend said something about how the mania I experienced is debatable. Now I understand his point was that in a court and legal settings the Neuroscience Institute would bring in their own "experts" and make it debatable, but in reality people believing that mania is debatable is so completely stupid. I know because I was thinking along those same lines while I was living it. The reason I was thinking along those same lines was because Dear Dr. He missed or dismissed it and then in their "investigation" (to be read/said with the utmost sarcasm) they made it debatable.
AND there in lies the problem, trying to make an actual physiological and physical conditions debatable.
I was so jacked up. And I knew I was too much. I could physically feel my body chemistry surging. I was not sleeping, I was all kinds of crazy. It was fun, exciting, exhilarating, and beautiful at times, but those same things that made it feel like all of that were also very dangerous and bodies cannot maintain those kind of highs; whether they are happening biologically or as a response to artificially introduced chemicals, your body will burn up and burn out. Mine was not drug induced, it was biological broken brain and possibly careless therapist induced and insanely intense or intensely insane. But ask my husband and my kids and they can tell you it was not debatable.
It is stupid and obnoxious that people will try to label it as such. It is like saying diabetes is debatable, or even childbirth. Childbirth, I know, seems like a incompatible comparison here because childbirth results in the very-solid-evidence-form of a child, but I don't think it is so irrelevant because my mania resulted in the birth of a whole lot of physical evidence too... emails, this blog, some videos, the books worth of obsessive processing and writing that I brought with me to my last appointment with Dear Perri Cherie, to make sure "it," whatever "it" was, was not missed, my art, an expensive yellow Italian leather purse, Italian traffic tickets etc... There is physical evidence that was not there before and that does not come with or from a stable me. I mean really, who gives a crap about an Italian leather purse made in Italy? Maybe a lot of people do but I really don't, at least not at that price.
So while you or others may think it is debatable I know that it is not. I do not have the luxury of thinking or believing it is. To do so puts me in a very bad place.
In fact I believe making that kind of shit debatable is what leads to things like Laurie Vallow.
Just because a person is intelligent and can visibly manage the insanity of TBI, mania and/or other brain dysfunctions does not mean that the actual physiological problem does not exist or is debatable. If we are having psychological problems/symptoms don't try to make it debatable, Look into it and TREAT US. That is what an innocent man and institution would do.
Is that debatable too?
Maybe if we stopped making it so, then people would start listening and treating honestly.