A Success Story

Sometimes I have so much in my head I can't get any one thing done. Right now is like that but FORTUNATELY it is not the racing manic variety. Right now it is a matter of where to start and how to accomplish those things I feel are my life's purpose.
It is trying to keep straight all that I need to get back to, all that I need to start, and all that I have to do regularly everyday.
I have a lot to sort and make decisions about.
I need to prioritize and maybe even let go of some of my dreams and previous goals.
And sometimes that can be a bit overwhelming
especially for a brain that is inclined to be deficient in "executive functioning"
and that has lower cognitive stamina
but a whole lot of good ideas, hope, and passion etc.
blah blah blah...
So ramble, I will, because this free flow format is often more productive for me than my structured plans.
Dr. She
I like her.
Sometimes I am not sure if I can really trust her, but I keep choosing to anyway and that still seems to be most effective. Monday we covered a lot. I told her how I felt a bit betrayed by some of the wording in her  neuropsychological evaluation of me. I told her how I felt a little betrayed by how she responded to the idea of me going back to school that day. I told her how I decided to handle and work through these issues in my mind. I told her how it is possible because medication is working and because I am not the negative stereotypes reported in the whatever test that has the negative wording. I told her how I realized some of my feelings of betrayal were exactly what she warned me about in regards to the wording of that one test report. We had some very good conversation. There were moments where I think she was a little nervous and concerned that I was misinterpreting her and her intentions. Their were moments I was worried she would misinterpret me and my intentions.  But you know what? We worked through it.
Ahhh and big sigh of extra satisfied relief.
Now on to this idea of going back to get a masters or, preferably, a PHD in the field of psychology:
Dr. She has said so many things that have encouraged me and I was under the impression that she really liked this idea and even thought I could really make a difference, have an impact. This is why I felt a bit betrayed when she put so much emphasis on how hard it would be for me because of my deficits. It stung a bit. I had to make a choice.
My choice to trust her suggested to me the idea that maybe she just wanted to make sure I understood the reality.
She confirmed this in our conversation on Monday. She does not want me to go into it blind or with unrealistic expectations of myself because she fears how that might effect me. I am glad. And I am glad that her doubt was expressed because it also lit a bit of a fire as my internal dialogue boldly demanded, "well what the hell else am I going to do?"
You see, no matter what I do it is going to wear me out. That is the reality of my new norm. Any full time job is pretty unrealistic if I care to have any emotional stability or energy left for anything else. So I might as well do something I am passionate about, have a lot of experience with and knowledge about, and that I want to do.
I explained to Dr. She what I know and how I feel I will need to play to my strengths of experience. I reassured her that if that does not work then I don't want to be in the industry anyway.
She liked this idea of me utilizing and playing to my strength of experience and said something about how the industry loves a success story...
... and that there is what makes me smile
even tear up a little.
because
I AM a success story.
I have succeeded at managing and/or overcoming TBI, suicidal drives, depression, anxiety, a whole lot of negative thinking patterns, hypomania, PTSD, and mania -to name a few. None of those are small feats but the last, mania, that's an especially big deal that I am pretty proud of. Especially considering the context, circumstances and opposition I had.
And the suicidal stuff, I am pretty proud of that too because I have overcome and beat a significant many forms of that creature. Some very powerful.
And I am happy. I am grateful. I have a beautiful life, a sense of meaning, purpose, satisfaction and self.
So I am a success story!
I could end there, and maybe I should because the next point I would like to make merits its own venue and series,
but I will not end there because this next point is so important to my success I feel it should never be left out.
Over the last few days I have reflected on why and how I am a success story and I have come to find that I love my success story and how truly beautiful it is because it is not just me and my story;
My success story is a tapestry of so many people and influences.
I am only a success because of the help I have had from others.
Even when I was so very alone, I was not without assistance and I was not completely alone. I could have easily continued down the progressive path of isolation. I could have easily become absolutely alone, but I did not. Instead I continued to choose to let people in and to trust even when I knew I could not. I continued to fight to recognize the positives I had from other people past and present. As safe guarded as I was, and needed to be, I continued to reach out and I continued to try to connect with other people in positive ways. And fortunately enough people responded with enough positive regard. Fortunately I had built enough of a foundation of positive personal development with the help of others. Fortunately I had chosen to let into my mind and heart enough influence from professionals and people from so many walks of life that when I was at rock bottom I did have a solid foundation to build on, even if in that moment I really was completely alone.
There really is no such thing as an entirely self-made man.
Success is impossible to achieve entirely alone -unless being entirely alone and entirely self sufficient is a persons definition of success.
Ultimately we ARE all in this together and we need other people.
Ultimately my success is your success and that is exactly why I am a success story.
And what a truly beautiful story we are.
💕