Redefining Crazy

I hate that I have all these stupid problems that make me more likely to commit suicide. I hate it because it is too damn real and I understand too well why that is true. I hate it because I want to quit and give up and in addition to that people treat you differently.
Maybe that is why people with bipolar, TBI and who have had a family member commit suicide are more likely to,
because people treat them different
And not usually in good ways.
In fact it is too often kind of crappy
so then I get scared of everybody and I isolate myself to protect,
which really does not work so well,
but the alternative can be so very painful.
Especially when people poke.
It's like the friends that have really been bad friends. They want out because they don't want to be burdened by the extra burden -or they don't know how to handle you now -or they are just plain ignorant and stigmatizing cowards. So they start doing things to push your buttons and then if you react they say "see" and feel fully justified in being a jerk to you.
Employers do this too.
If they find out you have any kind of mental health struggle they often start looking for reasons to fire you. Or they pass you over and avoid you, making it impossible to be promoted or get anywhere. And all this in addition to the isolation you already feel. Then if you say anything or react they say "see" and you will be let go for far lesser offenses than you have seen your unmarked peers make and are not even chastised for.
Even medical providers and psychologists will use it against you.
And the worst part: even if your reaction falls well within normal, you will be accused of overreacting. Even when your reaction is under-reactive. Then you might be accused of not reacting when you should have... and you are stuck in a lose lose scenario. If you react at all you lose, if you don't react you lose.
So, as if it is not hard enough, let's add all of that to it and then expect our genuinely psychologically challenged people to behave better than everyone else.
It is asinine and maddening and no wonder people behave so badly in this country.

My kids and I witnessed a contrast to this in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.
We decided to go shopping in a popular shopping area that was in a very tight part of the city. I am sorry I cannot remember the name. It is a very busy area and there are shops and people everywhere. When we got there a man noticed us and started talking to us. Our Portuguese was not great, so we were gleaning and using context clues. He seemed to be about my age and he seemed to be trying to help us. He was especially watchful of my son who was 10 at the time, although he looked to be no older than 8.
The man was trying to guide us to different places and was trying to tell us stuff but since our Portuguese was very limited we were not understanding him or his intentions very well. We did gather that he had a son and it seemed his son had passed away. He was with the angels; we understood that much. He brought us to a vendor that spoke English. We asked him who this man was and questions that would help us understand this man's intentions. The English speaking vender told us, "it's okay, he's just crazy." Another vendor told us the same thing. They both knew this man, were happy to see him, were kind to him, and they assured us we were in no danger; "he was just crazy."
I was not so assured and after visiting a few more places with the assistance of our happenstance escort the stress of the area was getting to me so we asked him where the subway station was and he took us there. I gave him some money thinking that was what he was really after. He looked at me, unsure of what to do. I was not sure if he was offended, hurt or just surprised by the offering. We thanked him and left to catch the sub-train as he stood there with his hand still half out, confused as he looked from me to the money and back. 
In the quiet and less chaotic spaces and in the places that we new better, where we felt safer and more comfortable, I had time to reflect on the series of events and this man.
It was then that I realized just how stigmatizing, ignorant, and fearful I was of mentally ill people.
In America when we say a person is "crazy" it is usually a condescending and degrading remark. Even in cases of true biological mental illness, here, it is a justifiable reason to treat the person labeled as such in any terrible way. Examples: "he divorced her because she was crazy," "OMG, he's crazy, don't even talk to him." We ostracize and easily excuse comments like "get away from me you crazy b*@#" etc.
Is it any wonder that some of our crazies end up doing horrible things?
Meanwhile in Brazil, they have a saying, "we don't have natural disasters so God gave us all the crazy people," or something to that effect. But they don't treat their crazy people like a natural disaster, at least they did not in that shopping district we went to.
We encountered other mentally ill people in  Rio and we saw how they were treated in contrast. It was really beautiful and refreshing.
That day, with the man that was really just being protective and helpful, when I had a chance to reflect, I felt pretty bad about being afraid of him and for not being nicer. Not that I was terrible to him but I was not as kind as I could have been nor as kind as I usually am.
Just imagine how much kinder a place our own country would be if we stopped treating "crazy" like it was a plague and people with mental illnesses as less than human. Especially since every one of us will face mental illness or psychological struggles at some time in our life. Depression is the common cold of mental illness and our culture breads and feeds so many different varieties of mental health problems; anxiety, gender confusion, depression, narcissism etc, what do we think is going to happen?
When we label crazy as "bad" and we stigmatize people for the traits that make them different; when we make their struggles taboo and forbidden to talk about; when we won't even give them a chance; we isolate and encourage the darker sides of people to come out.
So there are my two cents for the day.
I did not want to come on here at all
but when I found myself fighting to reset suicidal thoughts again, after once again having the stigmatizing and ostracizing a bit too in my face, and I could not go to sleep (often a great way to reset) I decided this might be a good option. And it is. Written out, I feel reset again.
Please have a lovely day and try to love the crazies in your life because when crazy is nurtured with love it can be a really beautiful thing. I mean seriously, think Disneyland, theater, and sports; those things are just crazy, and often created by people who are "crazy," yet it is obvious how truly beautiful, exciting and fun they can be.
XOXO