tired broken brains

Blah blah wah wah

I hate this shit here on this page and I am tired of being second class. Why am I still nice to lousy friend that is shameless in replacing me and I know will say shit about me to relieve her own conscience? I am nice because that is who I want to be and even though she is a shitty friend to me I know that she is mostly a good person and I do know she has a lot of her own shit and baggage. I reminded myself of that, so that I can be nice and not so hurt.

But it still hurts.

and I don't know how to expect to be treated better by people. 

And I am crying and fighting damned suicidal thinking again and it is pissing me off because that is not what I want and not what I am going to do. 

SO I get that out of my head ...

but somehow find myself pushing into reckless.  

And WHY???

What the hell is going on with me now?

WHY???

I am stable 

I say 

but I am also tired, physically and mentally after teaching snowboarding and being around so many people and having it in my face how much of an outsider I am. 

And my stupid ribs hurt. The damn ribs that cover my heart. 

because I had an oh so graceful endo onto a box slide when a divot caught my snowboard just before mounting the railed box. 

Oddly while driving home the pain in the region of my heart brings back memories to my tired dejected brain of a time when my heart hurt like hell until I got back in... and it catches me off guard

When will this hell end?

I think

as my the tears start to stream.

It's annoying as hell

but I also know that I was not in hell a few hours ago and that I am still very enthusiastic about life, really. So I remind myself that my broken brain will wear out a bit faster than others and faster than it used to. I remind myself that it was fragile before anyway. And I remind myself - nope, I stop on that one- don't remind yourself there. But I know my emotions go when I do too much or push too hard and I know that is an unfortunate reality of my injuries. So I can cut me some slack and allow the tired and know I will be okay again after some rest. 

Yet there is still a truth: It is so damn frustrating to have this low of cognitive stamina- I am tougher than this-

and yet I am not.

SO that makes me kind of mad and the cycle starts all over again

Except for this time it doesn't because I am writing it out and in doing so I see the comedy of it and my tired brain laughs. 

Good night.

Time to rest this heavy burdened head.