I'm feeling things. Things that are really angering. I want to speak out. I want to stand up for myself... to people who don't want to hear, people who don't care. So I come here, to save myself from the pain I will inevitably feel in my rejected efforts to be heard.
Those friends that are being, and/or have been, kind of shitty friends through all this,... it is causing my brain to relive shit again.
Mainly the stupid comments of one friend with his narrowed suspicious eyes, "what are you up to?" he asks, wanting me to question my motives. I tried to explain, but he just kept at this weird suspicious therapist bs. Believe me, I have questioned my motives. It is why this is taking far too long. but since said conversation with x-friend
I have realized
#1 he had already decided whatever it was he had decided and no matter what I said he was not going to hear me
#2 I could not really address his concern very well because I actually have no freaking idea what it is he thinks I am up to that he claims is out of line with his "core values."
But I can tell you this; this questioning- that has led to reliving again- is shedding more light on the reality of the bullshit Dr. He fed me and how he manipulated me merely to protect himself.
It is not and was not me that people should be asking that question to. It is him. "What was Dr. He up to?"
What were the rest of them up to?
What are they up to?
It is extremely fishy and suspicious and Dr. He knew all to well how to manipulate things to his favor, how to get me into trouble for trying to protect him.
My middle fingers go up as I am once again reliving scenarios and hearing the words replay.
I know what your are up to... I did even when I was broken, even when I was fading, even when my heart loved him so very much that I could not and would not believe it. I caught him, in his trap, and he was terrified of me.
My guess
it was likely all three:
he played with me,
he broke me,
and he loved me
because I
could keep up
and maybe even stay ahead of him
and since he is a coward
he chooses to hate me for it
...because I just might be smarter than he -even broken-
and he wanted me
but he couldn’t have me.
At least not so easily
and not as the obedient toy he intended me to be
so he has to hate me
That is what I think just may be the reality
I don't want it to be. I want to be wrong. I hope I am wrong.
I don't think that highly of myself anyway
...but the evidence and behaviors, the way things were handled, the way they are still being handled
very strongly suggest otherwise. I don't want to be right... but I think it is more important to say these things and be wrong then to not say them and be right. If I am wrong we can talk and set the record straight... But they won't. Why?
If I am right... these things need to be brought to light and he needs to be stopped. The machine that is protecting him, the machine that may be frauds in the entirety, needs to be stopped and changed.
Sometimes I really hope I am wrong... but very often I am right.
...and sometimes I really hate when I am right...
The scrutiny
Where should it really be?
And yet I feel it doesn't really matter because they own the shoulds and hold all of the cards.
... I post this blog entry and then pull down at the slightest slight from a different source
...because I know some will think I need to be humbled
while others are just tired of hearing about it.
and yet others will most certainly use is against.
I am tired of thinking about it
I am tired of knowing what I know
but not knowing what to do about it and how to handle it
and feeling powerless.
I am not a victim
but yet I am
... yet so many others have been through so much worse
... so I should just shut up?
but my friend who has been through so sooo much more and so much worse is right;
others would not fair so well
they would not survive.
so it's back up it goes
so others who may be going through or have gone through similar may know
it is not you
it is them and
you too deserve to live too.
I'll keep speaking for the voiceless and those who have been abused by the systems and the people in them that they have trusted so completely.
https://qr.ae/TmRzyx
This problem is real and I am not an isolated incident, nor am I to blame. It is bigger than just this incident. it is bigger than just me...
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