My daughter says "sometimes how you say things is not what you mean" and she is concerned I will get myself into trouble because of how others will use what I say against me.
I feel a lot of things hearing my daughter talk about this. She says, "I hate feeling powerless and I hate that there is nothing I can do." She is referring to standing up for me or helping with the mess that broke me and caused significant harm to me and my family.
How sad is that, that my daughter is afraid for me and our family for my trying to stand up for myself and she feels powerless because she has seen that my efforts to find out what was going on with my head and to have the TBI, PTSD, and Bipolar troubles that were happening acknowledged, discussed and treated have resulted in blaming, shaming, stigmatizing, victimizing and re-victimizing, and straight up abuse and ill intent by those in power.
** she is why I removed the names from the previous post of those that absolutely should be named; because she is correct; they will use it against me if they can. She does not know about this action and reaction of mine but I want readers to understand that they only reason I am allowing myself to be bullied and silenced by this institution is because I don't want my family to suffer any more than they already have.
....but this is also where I start to feel really conflicted and extremely angry. It should not be this way and my fighting alone, trying to save others from the pain it indirectly and/or directly causes them has likely been a major contributor to this mess. I don't want to be a burden, I am willing to own my own, and I am trying to handle something too big and not solely my problem on my own. Part of why is because the rejection of being denied help or ignored when I ask for help is extremely painful. But that may be exactly why the Intermountain Neuroscience Institute has treated me the way they have. ..."Untied we stand, divided we fall" ...because if it seems nobody really gives a shit about me then why should they? For all intents and purposes it appears their bottom line is $ and alone I do not offer a significant source of that. In fact, for my families sake, I asked them to refund my bills because they were refusing me my patient rights (according to their patient bill of rights) and they were refusing me services while not referring me out appropriately. My husband did get involved in that one. But they would offer none and no apology. They missed and misdiagnosed and would not discuss or change their inaccuracies and for this I am punished again and again, while the stress of it is hurting my family and very possibly literally burning me out physically.
But I can do nothing.
and my kids are learning this very harsh life lesson, that I strongly disagree with; That we are powerless against corporations and people in power who are abusive, dishonest, corrupt, and/or whatever they are.
So then a part of me says something to the effect of "what if MLK went along with this kind of thinking?"
And I think I will fight. For now I will take the names off for my daughters sake as I take her advice to be careful in how I proceed, but I will not stop fighting for the injustices and straight up abuses I have endured at the hands of those who were in power and had an ethical, moral, and most likely legal obligation to treat me fairly. It is not right for them to vilify and try to criminalize me for their mistakes. It is not right for them to stigmatize, slander, and manipulate things to try and make it appear that I am things that I am not, to cover up their mistakes, or to protect their egos, pride and pocketbooks. It is not right for them to cause harm and then continue to perpetuate the harm once they know they are causing harm just because they either fear the repercussions, they are lazy, or, again, they simply want to protect their own ego's and/or pocketbooks. It is not right that I was so incredibly vulnerable and they knew it and they twisted and manipulated my vulnerabilities anyway they could to work it in their favor.
Alone or not
I will fight.
And if they really want to turn me into a criminal for trying to take care of me and my family while trying to protect the very therapist that made serious mistakes and acknowledged breaking me, and for standing up for myself, for trying to understand, for seeking clarification and for trusting and loving them, then I so be it.
I would rather go to jail unjustly than allow this kind of warped bullying and abuse. If I am allowing it to happen to me I am also turning a blind eye to others that are suffering and being abused by the same systems.
AND THIS IS NOT OKAY
No comments:
Post a Comment