No escape

I'm tired of being tired.
Medication game or just the residual effects of TBI... or is it residual effects of trauma.
I am still loosing sleep.
It is just so wrong
How I was treated.
My friend says "the worst part is how they vilified you"
And they did.
I never even received any kind of apology from Office Director or evidence of their "escalated concerns" for her denying me my medical records or yelling at me in front of my kids when I was telling her I didn't want them to keep trying to send me other places, that it made sense to me to be kept in house so I did not have to keep trying to explain and thus relive the trauma every time I tried to find new therapists and doctors and I was asking why I could not be seen by a different neuropsychologist there.
They only thing I received form her was that final letter terminating me from the entire facility. A slap in the face or knife to the heart with an added twist.
From the one accessible place in my world that has the different providers I need that are supposedly trained to know how to treat and handle me because of my TBI's... The people I have needed since I was 12.
I can't escape this.
My brain isn't letting me...
I have no idea how to handle it.
But I know there is something very very wrong about this and my conscience will not let it go...
so here I am again writing.
I am and have been slow and trying to be careful and fair even when I was mentally unstable. I do  not want to cause undo harm but there needs to be some accountability or if they are frauds they need to be exposed. I don't want this job, that is why I keep coming here to this silly blog and the rumination continues... I don't want this job, but it is the job I have to do because my conscience and my injuries won't let me out of it...
and garbage cans taking a beating don't take it away, neither do all of the gazillion of other things I have tried. They only time it is subsiding is when I am working to fix it... working to hold them accountable.
If the mistakes that lead to this mess were accidental then there is no reason for me to have been treated that way and for me to be so stonewalled and ostracized so vehemently.
Is it stigmatizing of the "mentally ill?" Is that all this is evidence of?
If so that angers me too.
This kind of stigmatizing does not help anyone but it does feed and encourage the negative nature in people. If people are alienated, ostracized and treated like criminals for seeking help with their mental illness and "inappropriate" behaviors than what the hell do you think is going to happen? It is so plainly stupid.
And I am tired
tired of this stupidity and my malfunctioning brain that now is functioning much better but I know will keep pushing back if I don't make the necessary external changes to support the positive internal changes.
no editing. I want to sleep and I have very limited time right now
*back, I have come, to edit and I am certain, even in my rational sanity, that there is a higher power that works on us as individuals and as a collective whole as I just happened upon this video and choose to watch it even though it was simply out of curiosity and a distraction from my task at hand. J.K. Rowling speaks at a Harvard Graduation
What an incredible woman, what an incredible speech and what a brave human to give such a speech at a Harvard graduation.
And in my own voiceless vulnerable life I can feel proud that I came across this speech while I was working to plan lessons I had volunteered to plan for a teacher I will be substituting for that is an overworked and underpaid single mom, who cares and works hard for others with so very much on her own plate. Normally as a sub you do not lesson plan, but I volunteered to help relieve just a smidgeon of the burden from this beautiful person.
I want these things to be known because people with mental illnesses and TBI's can also be kind, caring, helpful citizens. We deserve fair treatment. We are not worthless or disposable, nor are we helpless but too often a person with problems such as mine will become that because they are not given a chance, they are not respected, they are not heard, and they are treated as though they are helpless, worthless, and to be feared and ostracized. Or simply a real pain in the ass.
This is my battle, that I am very much not alone in but those that I represent really are at such huge disadvantages, so often isolated,  and very often their voices go unheard and disrespected or they are shamed and humiliated.
So no escape... this is my battle, I suppose, and as my beautiful friend Renée reminds me, "We chose to be tough."