The medication game

I had another follow up with my psychiatric PA. She is pleased to see the difference. It is becoming increasingly obvious and I am increasingly stable. In fact the other day I listened to a lady talk at an event for my daughter and I didn't even cry. I have been able to share things and I don't even cry. When people ask me how I am I say rather automatically at times, "Fine" or "Good, how are you" instead of "interesting." Sometimes I still say that when I am feeling a little interesting for one reason or another or just because it is funny and it makes people laugh or at least smile.
Talking to psychiatric PA I tell her this I'm moving into the hard part of taking medication. Initially it was just such a relief and Godsend that no side effects were noticeable or worse then what I had been going through.  I needed increases a couple of times as push back was pretty strong. But in the past week or so I have not felt the physical sensations of manic-style pushback and I am even still finding my mind calming and becoming more "rationally" level. Now we are to the point of fine-tuning the medication. I am not falling asleep as well, my brain has been a bit busy at night, and then I am struggling to wake up in the morning. This is annoying. I remember PA say, about my medication quetiapine, that lower doses can make you more tired and I wonder if maybe, even though I am not having the manic feeling pushback anymore, if the dose might still be a bit too low because my thoughts may still be running a bit too fast at night.
PA suggests this very thing also. We agree that I should try taking it earlier consistently and then she adds 50 more only I will take the extra 50 in the non-extended release. This is our game plane and it sounds like a good one.
But...
Not really but,
but it is a bit tricky, this phase. I am now worried a bit about becoming zombie like, as crazy and... umm... messed up, as it has been I have learned to enjoy it some and embracing my crazy can be fun too.... which ironically I can more fully embrace and enjoy better from my more level place, but I am a bit concerned about loosing that completely. I will miss me if I do.
Then there is the part of feeling normal.
It is amazing how quickly I can forget how high I can go. Have buried this very effectively before and I feel myself doing it again... Probably not so wise. That has caused significant confusion and problems, but actually it was this buried stuff coming out that really caused the problem, so maybe I should burry it even better... but alas silly rabbit whole, I know, there is no going back this time, you broke to big. As much as I want to just be fine without medication I know I will need it for some time to counteract the months of insanity I have endured. So it is silly to me that there is even an inkling of that idea of being fine with out it. But that is part of the nature of this bipolar beast that resides within me.
PA asks me how neuropsychologist is helping. I tell her she is helping immensely. PA is surprised I am able to trust after the last. I explain, that is hard, especially when she says similar stuff, naturally she will but it still causes a distrust reaction... funny, I hide it from her.  I also am working to cut myself off before I get to attached, I told Dr. She that at my last appointment, I don't want to become too dependent on her, so even though I still greatly appreciate the frequent appointments I am cutting back as I feel more stable. I also don't ask her many questions, even though I like to hear about her and I would love to know more about her as a person, I don't allow myself to ask or be interested. I make sure it is about me... I don't love that part. It makes me sad, because I love Dr. She, but I cannot let myself make a similar mistake. Dr. She says, "You will never feel like you are my therapist," and I am grateful, but I am leery, because never is a black magic kind of word.
See, it can be quite interesting to be "crazy" so I allow it and I am thinking I can own some of it and enjoy some of it too. This is why I am writing now. This "crazy" that people are so damn terrified of is really not so scary. In it I can make sense of so much because I can see the insanities that so many people are so very blind too. I am aware of how profoundly even seemingly simple things can effect us, and I have experiences under my belt that look like typical aging problems so I am way better prepared for that. Plus I get the luxury of doing silly things like this blog. Of course I am very fortunate in my circumstances, but and I mean BUT in a big, standing upright, and speaking out kind of way, I have also worked very hard to manage and understand my mental deficiencies, my mood instabilities and my TBI related problems. I know this because I read and reread various self-help books and books on psychology I see so many things I have done and I can see the huge progress I have made. Viktor Frankl,  Man's Search For Meaning, I have not read before but it resonates and I see the same message in Change Your Brain Change Your Life,  by Daniel Amen MD that I have read before. Change your ANTs; Automatic Negative Thoughts. I am quite good at this really. And I am pleased with how Frankl resonates with me because truly I only made it through this crazy messed up manic cycling chemistry because I was looking at my suffering scientifically and I also was able to fight through by attaching meaning to it... Of course this has been ridiculously tricky since the damned people who were supposed to help with that were telling me I was not worth listening to or helping and denying the crazy I was telling them I was managing. There are a lot of things that I am really becoming more fully aware of the stupidity of, like how Dr. Concussion had told me Dr. He had said I had behaved inappropriately, to which I was like "I did, but I didn't. and I did and that is what I am trying to tell you" but also "so did he." Yet these things were ignored. And when she said, "There is something pathological to that," and I said "Thank you for acknowledging that." I am sorry to be rude but it makes me think they are kind of stupid. Or something.
but alas my new dose of drugs are kicking in and I am thinking I may have gone off track in my documenting this here insanity and the path to sanity (an illusion)... and now I shall retire to my bed, to edit maybe later , so lucky you are if you read this before because then you get to really see into the mind and reality of the rational crazy... goodnight.