Thanksgiving

A lot can happen in a year.
Last Thanksgiving we were on the southern side of our state where animals, in general, are more scarce but spirit animals were still showing up -at least for me. Two lizards were especially interesting. Running to disappear faster then they usually do this time of year. They ran because I reached out to touch them, uncertain if they were real or visions.  They were too fast so in all honestly I don't know. https://trustedpsychicmediums.com/spirit-animals/lizard-spirit-animal/ . The parallel is uncanny.
On thanksgiving day last year I wrote out whatever returning memories or processing was in my head in the wee hours of the night because my body would not and did not need sleep. I ran a mile or two (maybe more) on my broken tendon ankle. I made a flock of adorable paper turkeys and then hide them with prizes for the kids in a an incredible spot by the river. I laughed and helped with the meal anyway I could. I ate very little even of the dinner and pies. I was not really trying to but rather food had little appeal and need for it was laking. I was getting close to the 10 lbs dropped in 2 weeks without any effort.
I fed and walked the dog and played with the little ones. I laughed with and educated the olders on spirit animals. My own kids were a touch (or a lot) embarrassed. I lived at least 1000 lives that day and my mind was working so fast and was so sharp I could have landed a rocket on the moon single handed.
We went swimming by the full moon light that night or the next and I could feel every water molecule of the perfectly temperatured water. I could do more and better pull ups on the diving board than anyone, including the military vet that is much stronger and younger than I.
And all with my heart hurting constantly; likely from the cortisol and/or endorphins I would feel regularly surging through it.
I was higher than a kite.
I was manic.

Within the next year it would be dismissed and denied.
and my body, mind and heart, would not handle it well.
Reckless endangerment on at least 9 counts by the medical providers that were supposed to be looking out for me and protecting me. The ones who are supposed to know about TBI and PTSD and how those things can effect ones mood stability.

This year I am 3 months into the stabilization after the very long battle to understand and figure out my head and know who and what to trust while trying to figure out where to go.
After too long of trying to handle it mostly on my own.
Too long in the battle for my sanity, my safety, my stability and my life in which I was:

So confused by the views of the those who were the professionals.
So confused by the chemistry of me and the treachery of my heart.
So confused by the swinging and the surging of emotions and physiology.
So confused by the story and the words that were said when I was broken in my head.

This year we were supposed to be with my family. But I am being triggered lately. Angry. Hurt. Betrayed again and again. Alone. Shushed and Shunned.
They do not understand.
It is too much for them.
my trauma
and I am alone again.
with TBI
only this time extra screwed up by this one guy
and I don't quite know why
but people will reply
"just let it die"
but "it" is I
And I WILL NOT DIE
so
play it safe.
Don't want to explode
One sister is already too offended
and she needs a safe place too
she needs her family
she has had so much trauma herself
...not fair for me to be triggered
not fair for me to be mad
... and yet it absolutely is.
So respect her need for space from me
seems the right or at least safe and kind choice.
So, with the husband's side again -only this time on the Northern End.
And I am dull and boring. A shadow of what I was a year ago.
... A shadow...
that is a bit how I feel these days.
A lot can happen in a year.

And while I have a lot to be thankful for I also have a lot that really angers me because people have no idea and they are often asses because of it.
The other day I texted my friend who has endured abuses in the medical system when she had a TBI and has endured more than any human should ever have to. I texted her "sometimes the rejection hurts"
She replied "OH, I do understand all too well, my friend...big part of overall message...for me the pain/aguish of the aftermath... judgments...
Cold betrayals...far surpassed the actual terror/physical beating where I was left to die..."

I am so very thankful for this beautiful lady who has endured so much and who keeps getting back up, not just for herself but for others, even for me. I love her and I get back up for her too. 

So this Thanksgiving I am thankful, so incredibly and immensely thankful, for those friends and family members who have been so kind and patient. Who have listened and know me well enough to know, right now I need to be kept safe.

And I am so immensely grateful for my new neuropsychologist who literally saved my life by making sure I got put on the right medication and quick. And she keeps doing it and keeps helping me get back up every time I take another hit. Dr. She, who understands, and has made sure I know, that my safety should not have been and should not be compromised for others I have been too soft on and have cared too much for to the detriment of my self.