pain in the...

I wish I was more okay than I am. I wish I was at least as okay as I appear to be most of the time. I wish my confidence was not so shot.

I am not fueled by revenge and and "stick it to them" attitude. It would be very helpful right now if I were. But instead I am more inclined to believe them and then I feel pretty shitty about me since I have learned from many thems that I am not worth standing up for or helping, and I am a "pain in the ass."

The "not worth standing up for" bit bothers me as this is the message I seem to be receiving. As long as my motives are about others, and not me, then it is okay for me to stand up and speak out, but even if it is agreed that I was "wronged" and treated poorly, too often the expectation is that I should just accept that and forget about it. Doesn't matter who or why or even that these were medical providers that should know and behave better and were morally, legally, ethically, and occupationally supposed to protect me and look out for my best interest. Doesn't matter how this has and continues to effect the treatment I receive from others including these friends and loved ones who are inclined and conditioned to highly value and trust the experts (just as I was and had).  Nope, it does not matter if it is about standing up for me or about fixing and resolving things for me. It somehow has to be about and for others. I am supposed to allow them to mistreat me. I am supposed to forget about it and move on, because it is just about me. 

I feel angry about that. 

I feel jealous of others who have friends and family who say, "that is not okay," and rally and defend. Mine say, "you were wronged, we care about you, you are not alone, now be quiet about it and get over it." 

That is not entirely the message and not from the entire family but the majority. 

This confession, to many, will simply prove that I must not be worth it. So I hope you understand why people in general might succumb to such messages of worthlessness. 

However, I hope it will also be considered that maybe it is ties like this that have contributed to the problem with the providers. 

I am an easy target.

On paper I am the prime target for grooming 

and/or an easy casualty to write off and forget about. 

And to me, that makes this situation of mine so much more wrong

And I find myself wanting to explode and lash out and at least do something to deserve the labels, stigmas, misconceptions, defamations, slanders, and write offs.

"If you can't beat them join them" comes to mind

and "going down in a blaze of glory"

I feel

therefore I am?

FUCK YOU JP AND YOUR MARIONETTES

FUCK YOU FRIENDS AND FAMILY WHO ROLE YOUR EYES AND SAY ONE THING BUT DO SOMETHING ELSE

AND WHO CALL ME A PAIN IN THE ASS.

Jaded

loosing my nice

and becoming jaded

sometimes it feels as though nothing really matters

And if I am not worth standing up for than I should at least get the most out of my insanity and show them just how much of a pain in the ass I have not been, but can be.

...yet I know that lashing out generally only hurts the ones that have actually been there, that have loved and supported as best they can. Lashing out hurts the ones we love most...
so I'll contain it to here
on this blog
and hope this will, once again, relieve the pressure that builds

"Duality" -Punished for being exposed and vulnerable, this lady confounds the educated but is understood by a child.