When normal starts to return it is a little sad.
Losing your insanity is a bit sad.
Yes you read that correct if you read "losing your insanity"-let me explain:
When you start to return to normalcy you miss the sensations and the fun and excitement of it all, it is really quite intense. There can be a lot of pain and anxiety and maybe the mania I experience is just coping with those feelings with equivalent force.
I tell you, I would be fascinating to study... maybe that is why I have been studying my thoughts and analyzing myself so much through this... I bet there is some sort of disorder associated with that to (that makes me laugh)
which is probably why I have always avoided diagnosis... I'd get too many or not enough but mostly because I don't like the stigma's and discriminations attached to them.
And because I don't like how people use them as excuses.
And probably a whole lot of other reasons to that I don't really care about right now
so back to my point.
Coming back to reality is a bit sad. Maybe even -wait for it- depressing. Maybe that is why "depression always follows mania" according to Am I Bipolar on webbed.com.
It feels a bit silly that I find myself here again.
...The box he opened contained so much more than I remembered...
But anyway
Reality kind of sucks compared to spirit animals and omens; to feeling so full of energy and life that you might burst; to snowboarding being an almost orgasmic experience and floating in a pool at night is so other worldly that you never want to leave. I wish I were a better writer when I try to explain the intensity of joy, passion and pleasure my seemingly simple experiences bring when I am ... well.. I suppose I should call it what it is, manic.
Is that acceptance on my part? Am I allowed to say that? I do wish that I had my best therapist to help me answer these questions... But alas he is gone from me...I'll have to mourn that loss again and again and that really sucks but I have to put as many mournful realizations as I can off for now and because he promised not to close the door on me completely I can. ..."just don't look back to check" I tell myself. But there is a new sad to that loss with this new remembering/realizing/considering. It is sad to think that this may very well be what scared him away and that it is also very likely a contributing factor to the intensity of my feelings for him these past few weeks... It's another thing to mourn and to process. and it is sad and it can be embarrassing.
...But fortunately a great guru I once knew taught me that it is okay to make mistakes and that I am allowed to be human... to bad that guru is the same guy, do you see how there can be no clean break... pull the fuel, redirect, don't isolate and don't over think- so I move on again- as it slowly morphs into just my heart speaking and my mind is a garden where I choose which thoughts to grow and which to weed out...
Back again to the mania.
I can see how people can get addicted to drugs. I'd love to go back to mania -only without the equivalent level heartbreaking. Good thing I am smart and know what lies on the other side of drugs and I am not at all interested in that place.
Fortunately for me, during those pivotal years when people usually experiment with those things, I wouldn't touch it because I knew I was already screwed up enough; I didn't need help with that.
And I still think that is funny.
Right now I am not sure I am completely back to normal, I kind of hope I never am, but I am not crashed yet and I find myself thinking that maybe, just maybe, I will be able to curb the effects of the crash the way I was able to curb the effects of the mania. I hope so. And I think so and at least one person believes in me and that is enough for me.
*So it seems I am moving my book of thoughts, processing and reprocessing to my blog.
It feels like a worthwhile endeavor for me. And as I earlier read through some old comments I was glad that I had helped a couple of people along the way -by sharing. I do not advertise this blog and don't do anything to promote it so it is buried pretty deep, I'm sure, but on one occasion someone randomly came across it and thanked me for it. That is enough for me. They are worth it for me. and I am also worth it so I've already got one person I'm helping here :) Your welcome self.
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