A page from my book: waking from death

12/2/18 10:28 pm


He doesn’t seem to notice that I am in some sort of trance. I see the rice crispy treats and see him and somehow instinctively know that I need to eat one and give up on the new me, give up on the me staying sane and safe.

This feels important

Important to add to my story even in spite of the internet not working.

I am not sure why it is but I am awake now. I feel a little funny. Still a little detached but here and present.

I woke up about 10:18pm.

I woke up from the abyss of nothingness. From death or nonexistence. I have been here before. I used to wake up from death in depression and it is a very unpleasant feeling. This time is different, “I am dying” My body is fighting to hold on. To wake me up. I don’t understand it as I come to but I keep fighting to wake up. My throat is dry and scratchy feeling. It wants to keep me from breathing. I notice that Kelby is still not in bed and that I hear noises. I am pushing hard to come back to life. I don’t want to give up. As I wake I somehow instinctively start to check on things. I feel so strange as I leave my bed and walk into the hall. I am still hearing the voice saying that I am dying, except I am not; I can’t be because I am walking and seeing and hearing again even if It is the sound of the blood pumping through my head. I go down stairs to the sameness. I ask Kelby about the kids being in bed. As he is watching television he doesn’t seem to notice that Joe is not and that I am asking from a different state of existence.

This is proving a bit more challenging to write and explain and I may still be waking as I hear the white background noises inside my head. But I am mostly wide awake.

I took 2 nighttime Ibuprofen pm tablets before bed and I may have forgot my escitalopram because I was so tired and my throat was starting to hurt so bad thus I was merely focused on getting a good night's sleep. This alone may account for whatever happened, the death waking

As I looked up and down the stairs feeling so weird and out of it, knowing that I needed sleep but also afraid to die, I had to make a decision. I decided I had to return to “normal” so I took a rice crispy treat then went and curled up next to Kelby with my head on his shoulder to watch the show “Schitt’s Creek” It was funny but I was lost so I asked a few questions from the other side. Much like usual Kelby barely noticed me and I started to wax and wane comfortably in and out of sleep. I then knew I needed to write about this although I wasn’t sure why. Add it to my story and with that I fully woke and I left.

Now I am sitting in bed wondering what it all means. Wondering if I will be okay leaving in one week and a day. I will because I have to be… But is that enough to keep me there? I need sleep so badly that my body is starting to get sick and yet I still can’t seem to sleep and to do so now offers death?

I have cold water and Ricola’s with me now and yet I question taking the Lexapro (generic)

A little unsure if I had already taken one.

43 lexapro left after I just took one, or one more, but at least now if I forget again, I have it written down.