Fires and flowers.

This is hard... I forgot to leave myself the 20% reserve today... I forgot or just had too much to do.

Over all it was an amazing day. I got to teach my daughters friend how to snowboard. I got to comfort her through a tear-filled melt down when she got frustrated with how hard it was and was putting too much pressure on herself to live up to her dad's percieved expectations. Then I even had the privilege of opening the door for a bonding moment with her dad by having a talk with him about what were realistic expectations in this new learning experience. Her dad was great. I was pleased with the outcome and that I had the privilege of being involved.

Then on my way out I somehow got talking with a coworker who opened up about some similar issues. She was intrigued by how I had embraced my insanity. I admitted to her that up until very recently I thought I didn't really have a laugh. My laugh had been missing for so long I thought I genuinely didn't have one. Not that I never laughed but it was just a silent inside kind of laugh that was easily missed. We talked about anxiety and we bonded and though I had plenty to get home for it was a very good place to be and it felt good to have that bonding moment and once again be thanked for my insight. There was plenty more in the day, but those were major highlights.

And then to top it all off we got to go to my parents for dinner...

But I had spent over 80% of my energy... well over,

and I started to unravel a bit, far too early into the evening and I found myself awkwardly fighting back tears for no apparent reason at all while passively participating in pleasantries with my husband and my parents.

How do I phase out what is reminding me to take care of myself? It is so hard sometimes. And it hurts. I am sure I will cycle through this a few times before I make it out okay

but tonight I am wondering why I reacted so extremely to the breakup my therapist said I should have seen coming. Why do I feel he was careless with me? I am so sad that I have to let him go and that I am no longer allowed to utilize him when I know he has answers and knowledge I am missing. When I know he can help if he would. I am so sad that he will not be my... anything.

I feel sorry for "overreacting" or what ever I did wrong to mess this up.

I am sure it is for the best if he says so and truly I don't want to be a complication or liability to him... ...but maybe I do. and maybe he is wrong.

It just doesn't feel fair.

and I don't feel up to grieving this lose right now.

But as my thoughts try to turn to my old ways of tough love and negative self take for being so pathetic, I am now consciously making the decision "ta not ta;" not to put myself down for feeling down and once again confused by this. So I will keep my pathetic self pity here in print and embrace that for what it is too... a sadness and grieving that I have every right to feel and even to express. I won't wallow in it and I'll get some sleep and get it turned around again, but I believe it is okay to feel the sad and to allow myself to hurt. And I think it is okay for me to be patient with myself. It is not easy to separate the fires... and it hurts, which is not terribly surprising since fire is hot and separating them will inevitably lead to a few burn scars.

"Your mind is a garden

Where you decide which ideas to grow

and which thoughts to weed out."