I am in a bit of an obsessive cycle, trying not to "solve this" while trying to solve this mess. Why did I break and why do I want so desperately to talk to my Dr. Perri Cherie? this may just turn into a very disjointed connected post but I'll let it be whatever it decides to be and whatever it turns itself into. I wasn't going to mention Dr. Cherie, I meant to focus on the repeats of patterns I am seeing as I have been reading through some previous posts.
I was going to come on here to say I think it is very likely that the head injury I suffered really is what has effected my mood stability so much. It took me a very long time to figure out how to stabilize my moods, how to utilize my neuroplasticity, and how to concurrently cope with the variety of other atypicals of my life, and over all I had reached a balance. It was maybe not the most healthy balance and there were definitely problems with the craftsmanship but I had at very least stabilized the major mood and insanity issues. Until I took another blow to the head.
It upset my stability. Knocked it out of balance again.
But this time, being older and wiser, having the luxury of a little more time on my hands, knowing the trials I had faced far too alone the first time and the major time, I was determined to put myself back to together with correctly guided professional help. So I sought out the best, which is more challenging than you realize when your brain is a mess and your emotions are out of whack. The very reason I needed good help are exact problems that make it challenging to find good help. But with some help, and exhausted determination (which means it takes more time) I found and continue to find good help. My vestibular therapist was amazing and I was seriously sad to leave her when it was time to be done. My chiropractor did such a good job with me and offered some emotional support so I likely stayed there too long but moved on easily, shutting that door when I realized this. But still they were the support I needed. I tried a few places that weren't a good fit. I had a few doctors that blew me off or just didn't want to be involved. Those likely contributed to my overlooking of symptoms, like my ankle that will actually require surgery if I ever hope to have it heal. Sometimes it was discouraging but I kept on looking as I knew I wasn't put back together right and I want to be. Along the way I was directed to not only a good psychologist but the best neuropsychologist in the area for head trauma related issues. Maybe I am bias, but I quickly saw how knowledgable he is and how good he really is at his job. He had the ability to help me; not only to help me put myself back together but to put myself together better then I had ever been. He was a dream come true, the reward to much effort, and the answer to many years of prayers. But something happened... I was too much and not enough at the same time. Too much crafted over too many years maybe, not enough obvious injury maybe? I am not sure. Yet I am sure I could ramble on and on about the endless possibilities and because I can do that I will likely hit on some truths along the way but I really would rather not. But something happened and I am not sure what or why.
So I am searching myself for answers and I am finding some repeat patterns. I am glad I have this forgotten blog to refer back to. It is helpful. Yet, I also know that I am very different. I have grown and matured a lot from some things I read while others I am still very much the same, but mostly I had become more of a balanced version of all of it, except that I maybe had lost a bit too much of my insanity. Or I had believed that I had. There are parts of me that I just need to embrace and accept better. I need to be okay with my perfectly imperfect self. Dr. Perri Cherie was teaching me that and how to, and constructively. Or at least that is what I thought. I was blocked and stubborn at times I am sure, but I also was protecting. Not me so much as him. I feel I am repeating myself now and am losing track of where I intended to go with my writing today... But I committed to letting it be whatever it turned out to be so if I am ruminating I suppose that is what needs to be, for a moment... And I will accept that so that I can move on. I am at times a slow processor but on that note, why would I be hard on myself for that when repetition and practice is how we learn? But repetition in the lonely brain is rumination and "counterproductive." Is it? Buddha says to question everything, and as one who often does I know that this can be exhausting and you then can become a black hole of knowledge. SO... This is why I crave talking to Perri Cherie so desperately. He had answers and he knew how to work with me and how to work me. Even if he was playing with me, I didn't mind because I like play and good things happen when we are allowed to play... But I never really thought or felt that he was playing with me in any way that was "inappropriate" or whatever and I still don't think it because I am "very intuitive" and I do sense those things... though I tend to be naive too, as I don't see myself as a threat or temptation to anyones moral integrity.
So I am really rambling and letting my thoughts work there way out. It feels neutral and safe inside of me at the moment so I will believe it is healthy. When I keep too much inside that is when things go off in unhealthy directions, when my head starts really getting screwed up, and when I really get stuck. So I will let this nonsense continue to flow and foolishly publish for the whole world to see because I know they won't anyway and I am allowed to be human, I am allowed to make mistakes, I am allowed to be me, and I am allowed to be free.
Dr. Perri is not allowed to be free and I am sad for him. I wish he would talk to me because I know he can still help me and I know that I could help him also. But that does not matter as I am allowed no influence there. That is a restriction that really bothers me. But it is. It is that restriction that seems to cause my brain to repeat some of the unhealthy patterns. But maybe it is that restriction that protects us both? I am open to that idea but I think it is wrong. It will take some convincing before I can believe it. I think it is wrong because it undermines me and the progress I have made. I think it is wrong because there are often exceptions to the rules and there are so many things that make this feel like an exception, but I don't like where my thoughts are going now, because it causes pain, so I will redirect.
hmmm... what were my original intentions. Oh yeah. Why did I break? Because I was already broken. because I was working so hard to hold broken pieces together when a lovely person who was also working to hold his broken pieces together bumped into me, or did I bump into him?.. I don't know, probably doesn't matter. But as broken pieces fell I think some of his broken pieces got mixed into mine as I tried to pick them up.
Poor man, he was so kind as he tried to help and to make sure I left with all my pieces, but in his startled rush he sent me off with some of his as well. I wonder if he realizes that he hasn't got all of his broken pieces now?
(This makes me laugh.
But still this story wants to keep going)
And though he tried to help me collect all of my pieces some of my pieces likely scattered into the nooks and crannies of his office where they are now lost from me forever.
His cleaning people will likely clean my pieces from his space and they will be out with the trash, forever forgotten by all but me.
I hope I will not need them. I feel like I do. But maybe I can put me back together with out them. Or maybe I will throw all my pieces out and start over.
I will not throw his pieces out though. I like the way they shine and I will keep them just in case he ever decides he needs/wants them back. It might be best to lock them out of sight and mind because I find their colors so mesmerizing and I wish to duplicate them when I cannot because I don't have the full formula. ...and as I think this I realize that because he does, he likely won't even need his pieces back... Oh what a lovely mystery he is. But I will keep them anyway, maybe to study and see if I can figure out the formula.
...But if I'd like to study them I suppose I will need to go to school and become a wizard myself and then I can pull these sorcerer's stones out when I have the correct wizarding guidance to study them; otherwise they may just cause me trouble.
...well now, that ended far more strangely than I expected. But it makes me laugh so there you go. I'll edit later... So who then am I posting for? I ask myself. I don't know, myself and anyone who cares to read me? why not just leave it unposted? umm.. because whats the fun in that? and besides the only way to truly fail is it never try, or to never put yourself out there in the first place.
and this is out there
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