the travel back from Italy and time changes have our family so tired we came home and were in bed by 10 pm this New Years Eve. I have to work tomorrow too. Teaching snowboarding to preschoolers so I need the sleep. But now here I am awake again. unable sleep. This time it was the furnace that woke me but it is my predicament that is keeping me awake... too long awake, this time with tears... too many.. so I am trying the writing again.
I'm cycling through dangerous grounds now.
as my mind toys with the feelings of worthlessness and realizing how much of a burden I really am...
it's dangerous territory...
[should I post some no trespassing signs and stay out? or walk through it in order to face whatever creature is there?... the one that may be slowly and slyly wrapping its soft and familiar tentacles around me and pulling me in anyway]
...Obviously I did something wrong, or many things wrong. Where this mentor and mistaken friend is a licensed and trained therapist I am somehow supposed to be able to avoid self blame, but seriously, that is a ridiculous and ludicrous notion to believe that somehow it was all the therapist and not me that screwed up when I am obviously screwed up or I wouldn't have been there in the first place.
So this leads me into remembering that at one point I was able to find that empowering. Can I do that again? but the empowering fed a more severe reaction that likely screwed things up even more so is it best to avoid that?
I suppose what does it matter if it does lead to mania again, that would be nice to feel again... except without the heart pain. But I know better, I rarely come out of those episodes with out causing irreparable damage. It's not like in the movies, where people forgive and everyone is better for it, it is more, people are terrified of you for whatever reason and no longer want anything to do with you. Maybe they are not terrified at all but annoyed and needing to preserve themselves. I don't know what it is, because they don't/won't tell me and I am not on the other side. The most likely answer I have been given as of yet is that my pushing of boundaries makes people feel uncomfortable and/or angry.
Okay.
But why then do I also loose people when I am not in those crazy manic-like places? or am I there [or perceived there] more than I realize because I am more intense or extreme or whatever it is that I am?
Loosing people is a natural part of life?
that sucks
I hate that
And as abandoned as I feel why is it I want to do some abandoning myself?
I want to leave all that I have worked to build over the past 20 years. I had decided about a year ago that I was not going to think about leaving anymore because I had invested too much and my wavering mental commitment may be causing harm itself. But I am aware again and I am tired of feeling like a burden and I feel [again] so aware of how core values have been and continue to be compromised ... wondering if I am or have lost too much of me or if it is selfish to think that way at all especially since through it all I have also found and created new bits and pieces of me.
...it is a predicament.
I start with a new therapist tomorrow. and I'll try a different one next week... just to ensure "a good match." But I really don't want to find someone new at all. I like my old one, if that is all he can ever be for me... so its a predicament.
It hurts
and I guess thats life
but why does it have to be that way?
I am glad he has people looking out for him and "protecting" him but I am mad at those people too. I am mad at the ones he works with that will look out for him so completely at my expense. And maybe I am mad at him too for giving them all the credit and trust while I am left alone to figure this out all over again but now more complicated... I am not mad at him for looking out for himself just mad at the system for abandoning when they are supposed to be the ones to help people fix those issues, to protect... or at very least do no harm.**
and my anger only reinforces their fear of my being a liability, which I was not and am not.
...but I suppose I could become in order to live up to there expectations. (a topic I have found very fascinating, especially in the education world)
I don't think I will, but usually we don't know how we will react to life stressors until we are faced with them. Often we are very surprised by our feelings and reactions, and [like it or not] the expectations we put on each other can be a driving voodoo force.
You know this and I know that you do. "Please be careful with me... I am sensitive and I would like to stay that way"
To whom am I speaking to? Your guess is as good as mine
...but I do hope (and expect) that my awareness of it will keep me from becoming any kind of feared "liability."
I do wish more people would face their fears.
We are not so scary once we are faced.
Profoundly strengthening really. :)
Good night again morning.
**posted 7/11/20: At that point I felt like others were telling him how to handle me and that he needed to get rid of me. I felt as though some of the things he said and his good riddance email to me were likely influenced by those at his institution and/or flawed policies. I felt that some of the "tricks" he had tried with me were things he was told to do by others at his institution i.e. when he he looked at me and forcefully commanded me to, "stop emailing" him. He also had said things about how others needed him more, they had to turn people away, I didn't know the other side of things, and he questioned my "ability to pay." He had in a previous appointment also expressed some disappointment or disagreement with the expectations his institution had of him.
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