alone again

and so it's been decided
again and again
I'm best off
stuck right where I am

Fine.
I hate all you all
and at least that makes me laugh
here alone
again
confused again
unsure of which way to turn
because somehow
I fuck everything up

and I don't even like that word
not one bit
but seems to be my talent

Go me
right now
fucking it up
any chances that ever could have potentially existed
don't worry
I'll screw the shit out of it
Maybe I should be prostitute

this is so horrible of me to type and I know I "shouldn't" publish it especially since it is very much out of character for me. But that maybe exactly why it is making me laugh.
To hell with trying to be what I am not
I am just one fucking screw up that despises that word and (being fully honest here) has a tendency to    be a bit "judgey" of the use and/or regular users of the word. It is not something I like the idea of at all. but at the same time
it is making me laugh as I am making an effort to get out of my "stuck"
Really
its bullshit
my stuck
is bullshit
I am stuck in the boxes that others place me in and I don't have any idea how to get out
After 40 years and I am here, maybe I am not capable of it?
Maybe I am just plain old bullshit and all the bad words I try to avoid and maybe I should embrace that
But I am supposed to be careful of the "shoulds"
but that was the golden mistake
so what the hell does that mean
what does it all mean?
Well, since its of no value where I thought it might be then
it is all just bullshit
so to hell with all ya all
 and this is my angry profane rant that I have kept inside for so fucking long that it makes me laugh and cry at the same time!
I never swore when they warned my parents I might.

...And I will keep you away
I will keep you safe
from me
because I am just a fucking load of bullshit that somehow preserves others from the liability of myself by fucking things up beyond repair.
Go ME!
At least I am really good at fucking things up. so good that half the time people think I've done my job before I've even started. I can fuck things up before the fucking has even started! Now that is a skill!
I feel very proud of myself now.
I am competent and skilled and nobody even knows it. which must mean that I am humble too, right?
... there you have it
my talents revealed
good day
Where am I even going with this

If any humans in the real world actually happen to stumble across this and read this
I am sorry (though it does make me laugh in this moment and I kind of need that)
I need people much more than they need me.
and I am sorry for that
but at least I am good at preserving them by making a mess of things early on
I don't know how I feel about that
I am not even sure what I mean by that
It is likely one of those things that I am supposed to keep inside and not reveal that I feel about myself because it reflects poorly on me. I am supposed to somehow work through that on my own without talking about it until I am strong and on the other side of it. I have not had much success with that. Maybe I am the Ghostrider ...what a stupid movie. Yep, that about fits. Stupid, overly dramatic without being overly dramatic, bad acting, but actually kind of intelligent on some level...
How dumb
... um these might be negative thought processes and I don't allow self-deprecation by my kids or their friends.. so I am being a really bad example here.
For what purpose?
I don't know?
No, I do, for the purpose of illustrating the realities and to help me move out of my stuck... moving from thinking [counterproductive] to doing.
I am sorry if I have warped advice and instructions
but when we are prematurely left to our own devices and/or are not valued enough to be worked with, befriended, played with, or loved, then we often go awry.
Humans are weird
Why do we self sabotage?
I think I am good now.
Time to start my day
...again
"oh man, it's already 10,"
"I don't even care"
"Yes I do, I've gotten my writing out. I feel better. Now what can I do to be the strongest version of me today?"