Upcycling

The whole picture. I wrote about how I am cycling and it can be perceived as rumination. I have written about how I get stuck in my head sometimes. I talk about some of the same things and to others that may feel redundant. However, that is not the whole picture. I am not stuck in my head nearly as much as it could be perceived that I am.
I was reading this article this morning and reflected on my recent experiences I realized that this may be the image I am projecting...https://blogs.psychcentral.com/childhood-neglect/2019/01/trapped-in-a-circle-of-your-own-self-doubt-3-steps-out/ 
...and I paused to find and insert this article but got sidetracked by email.
I sent one to that Dr. that, in his carelessness or dabbling of the dark arts, had sent me spiraling into and exiled outer-space. I wanted to give him the chance to fix things before I pursued complaints against what I am now feeling and logically perceiving as "unethical treatment."
He decided I was a threat and liability so he called my treatment done, and because I have been documenting my "crazy," my thoughts and feelings, it can make it easy for him to turn things into just that. Write me off as "our treatment of that issue is done, you are healed of that," thus relieving him and his clinic of their obligations in treating me and making sure he or they had not accidentally or intentionally done harm.
I am at a huge disadvantage because they will definitely be bias toward protecting him. I have already been blamed as I look back frustrated that he wouldn't hear me when I cried and tried and fought desperately for him to understand and continue to provide or help me find the appropriate help.
I have surgery that I am facing that is directly related to the car injury.
I am reliving my trauma from my youth that is directly related to the car accident and head injury from that.
It is strange to be an adult and a child at the same time.
I am cycling through the intensities of the emotions one experiences with that.
The whole picture of me had been lost. I had forgotten and buried so much and when did that happen? Did it happen with the crash? Some of it feels like yes and some of it feels like no.
"So this is all part of the job" I asked Not really given answer, I think he responded with a question. "We have been working to uncover my buried story and now you are just going to take it all back?" I asked when I could finally get into see him after two weeks of ... I won't label...
But when I was just breaking through is precisely when he decided to drop me.
When he decided I was "cured" of needing him and his expertise. I needed to figure out again what I was really capable of occupationally. My relationships were a mess and TBI was a major factor in this. All of this was just coming to light, it had not been addressed.
He did not want to work with me anymore but that does not mean that his skillset was no longer needed. On the contrary his skillset is exactly what was needed. What a curse for him, if it really is true that no-one else in his practice could have taken me and there are no others with similar skillsets he could have referred me to.
This is very frustrating. It is a crazy, terrible and yet beautiful story that I can appreciate for many reasons and for what it is but it is also very frustrating. Other peoples methods of self preservation and justification are very frustrating to me.
so as I stay true to letting things come out and be what they are as I write (on my blog and on my ever increasing report on studying myself) I will let this one stay also.
...I will have to edit later since I need to go now.. But this feels important to me to publish now