7:35am

Last night I only took melatonin to help me sleep. I still woke at 3:30 and wanted to write but went back to sleep fairly easily. Then didn’t wake until 6:00 and then 7:00 (went to bed at 10pm)

The night (or two nights) before I had taken melatonin and clonazipam which worked about the same but my emotions yesterday were so screwy I decided to avoid the clonazipam and I am glad the melatonin worked fine last night.

At my 3 am waking my thoughts went a bit deep. They wanted to go deep but fortunately I was able to redirect them well enough to sleep.

reciprocity

I reflect other's feelings. projection. the intensity of my reactions may be reflective of the intensity of emotions projected?

I was able to go back to sleep and only have slightly been interested in revisiting those thoughts. Not sure that they are productive. So I'll leave them and I did because now it is 12:50 pm two days later and I am only writing to finish this up because it was open on my screen when I came to accomplish some other task on my computer.

I am easily side-tracked and derailed these days. I want resolution and I want to understand what "test" results were as well as why it is some people feel so sure that I am, can be, or will be of no value to them. That I am not worth the investment of time and energy. I would really like this question answered. 

Maybe it is because I have not valued myself and truly when one does not believe in or value their self it is likely they won't be able to be of much value to others... but which came first the chicken or the egg? and why is it when I start to learn that or start to value myself that is when I will be turned on? What am I doing wrong?

At least I am of great superficial value still. I connect quickly and easily with people and they enjoy me for a moment I enjoy them and the moment is great. I am glad I can be that. I suppose I need to work on accepting that this is where it must end with me and I need to stay content with that through the times when I yearn for more. 

Is that what I am to learn from this?

I don't know if this is me trying to "solve" or not. I think it is me trying to understand. And to solve or not to solve doesn't matter really because either way I am living this. This is my beautiful crazy life and not a burden but an adventure. Sometimes I wish more people could see it that way and enjoy the journey with me. I often feel I have more to contribute than I am allowed to. Oh well I guess. I suppose that is ego maybe arrogance? I don't know you decide today because I don't want to.

Okay... back on track...

What did I come on here to do again?