I journaled these thoughts back in August, long before (at least it feels a bit like forever too me) my recent "break through" and self studying journalling experience started. After my conversation with the lovely lady yesterday I think this could be helpful information to some.
8/29/18
A friend told me about a book she read. Part of it talked about the forbidden emotions in dysfunctional families. How there is one forbidden emotion.
I think my forbidden emotion-my own- is anger. I don’t handle it from others well and I don’t handle it well from myself.
So I avoid it.
And I’m not too sure how that affects me, my decision making, and my relationships.
It seems that anger is part of the emotional process of coping. It is part of the grieving processes. Maybe I need to stop looking at it as “bad”
Anger, In my opinion, is masking an underlying problem or emotion and is almost never fully justified, or if it is justified maybe I don’t view it as constructive.
But maybe it is or can be constructive?… maybe... when it is embraced as a valid and justifiable emotion that deserves a spot in the counsel of the ego?
Right now I feel angry
...because I don’t want to deal with all the bills and insurance and lawyer stuff from the car accident.
I feel angry that it was already hard to organize and structure my mental energy and time and now it seems immensely harder
… all because that lady didn’t stop, didn’t signal, and didn’t wait her turn or turn and check again and then didn’t maneuver her left turn correctly.
But then I feel angry with myself too because I was hurrying across the intersection. I went the way that made me more nervous in the first place and I don’t remember being aware of her before I started into the intersection (though that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t, I took a hard blow to the head, I may have been) but I wasn’t more aware of her… Just saying it I feel that my anger with myself for those things is somewhat unjustified, I feel that I would never be angry with someone else for those things, and if I were it would only because I feel scared and worried for them (like when I get mad at my kids for getting hurt. I’m not mad, I’m scared and worried) I think it is okay to forgive myself those offenses.
But what about the anger I feel for myself because it wasn’t even that bad of an accident and it’s been such a hassle and a hold up. Am I just using it as an excuse and I am angry at myself for using it as an excuse? Or am I angry because it really has tipped an already delicate scale and I AM angry about it (writing the latter makes me cry). And I am angry that the scale was already delicate and damaged.
Is the anger I am feeling keeping me from taking care of what I need to. Is the suppressed anger what is causing the avoidance, the embarrassment, and compounding the problem, etc?
I think I may be afraid to be angry because anger has hurt me and others in the past. My anger has hurt me and others.
Maybe I am afraid that if I embrace it even a little all the other anger I have will come out and I will be so angry. A raging angry maniac
Or I will just cry… but I do that anyway, shut in, cry, retract…
So I am not so angry at the moment.
Maybe anger comes in waves?
Maybe anger passes quickly when you decide to face it, embrace it, accept it, or even just allow yourself to feel it and analyze it?
I think I have written out what I need to today.
But can I face the medical bills? Can I bring myself to call my lawyer that used to be my friend in school years?
Or is that maybe it is embarrassment and shame?
But I’ll save that for another day.
...and now I am tired.
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