It's all coming back to me now. there and back again. and the life of tao

I felt your pain and I felt your attraction and I protected you.
I am sorry I am not what you thought I was.
I tried to tell you.
I tried to tell you I was breaking but you didn't see it.
Maybe I didn't realize it until it was too late.
I think that somehow using the word "counter-transference" in an email got me exiled
You did nothing wrong, I did nothing wrong. But the rules and guidelines are wrong.
You can fix this
I can help you help me.
But I didn't get here alone and I need help getting out.
I thought I was stronger and could. I maybe could have been. but conditions are not right for me to do it alone.
My mind has been trying to protect me and you at the same time and I believe you are trying to follow your rules do the same but it's not working. and as I stumble I am making mistakes and making a mess. I am not trying to. I don't want to hurt you and I am trying my best.
But I need you to be real again. I need you out of my head and out of my heart and just real.
You have excellent control and you are not reading this. for your own sake. so I speak to myself and I know it. which is why it hurts so much. You said things you cannot take back and I don't wish for you too. but reality aftermath is haunting and it is one too many punches to roll with. my complicated plate just got more so.
Now I have to tell myself it is was all in my head. I am making it all up and none of it was or is real.
If that is true than I guess that is a good thing to tell myself and I do need to get psychiatric care. But if it is not true than it is a messed up system that is first creating the thief then punishing them for it.
... If you ever decide to check in on me please talk to me.
and in the event that you do not, I stay exiled and forgotten, well I guess then I am sad for you because you are missing out. You are missing out on the beauty and adventure of me. You are missing out on the spark of life I bring to you. You are missing out on playfulness and conversations that intrigue you. You are missing out on Neverland and me. I am worth loving. I am worth the risk. I could have given you my beautiful world and you could have shared your burdens. I am not a bad place to be and  you are always welcome to contact me but I'm taking back my power now.
And I will be okay. thank you for your time and what you have given me and given me back I will always love you for it. But I'd rather embrace my insanity and grieve the loss. You will be proud but you will also be hurt, but I can't save you from that nor will I try any longer. Sorry I am a slow processor
(you taught me that)
This is my story and this is how it goes.
I can get back on track.
I hope that this is not a regular part of your job and you don't become attached like this often because really not many people can handle it. Not everyone is as strong a fallen angel.
Yay.
my happy insanity is back. and somehow that makes me sane again.
My heart will heal. I'll come through this grieving process okay, and reprocess without falling back into the traps. I am strong and I am good again.
and just as soon as I start sleeping normal my mood will be more consistent... my brain will level out again and I don't need to put my life on hold waiting for doctors who rarely figure it out before I do anyway.
I got this