How do you sleep at night?

 They know it. And they are likely following me here to see if they are succeeding in waiting me out. Waiting to see if I can follow through with this very difficult task of filing a claim against them.

They know as I review all the bullshit they put me through it will trigger and exhaust. 

They know it will cause a physical burden to my body and that in reality I am not likely physically capable of fighting this fight long enough to outlast them and all of their resources 

and their fully functional brains....

And I know it to 

and it's disgusting. 

So I will not succumb until my body fails me and I can no longer stand up and take their beatings every time I try to speak out and seek the resolution the medical industry needs and that other patients deserve as well....

SO if my vulnerabilities amuse you and feed your egos, fine. Be fed knowing that you will eventually succeed in burning me down and burning me out 

But someday it will all catch up to you and you will be held accountable for it. 

You make me sick.

literally. 

But, I now understand that that is literally what you want. 

So I'll keep fighting 

to end your sick and twisted games. 

And Ms. Attorney, You are such a liar! Straight up lies. And so brazen and confident in your presenting  them that even I questioned myself... 

But, I have so much of it in writing 

so there is that. 

You're Somebody Else

 People tend to talk about what is going on in their lives, what they are going or currently working on and towards, their interests etc.

These are things my kids talk about. 

That is what I talk about too.

To be clear, I am careful not to share too much with my kids about all this. They know what I am doing and they wholeheartedly support it. In fact my son has more then once stood up for me to people questioning my decision to pursue a legal medical malpractice claim. He even told his grandpa that I have to do this. Sometimes my kids surprise me. 

So yesterday I shared with my son one of the poems I found on this here blog as I was searching for dates and details to include in my claim against IHC.  It was one I figured my kids might appreciate and my son did. 

Then he shared with me and experience he had recently had. He told me he is doing well and has really moved past all of that trauma so it took him by surprise when he was very affected by a song that came on at his work. He said it took right back to all of that and it made him really emotional. He shared the song with me: Flora Cash: You're Somebody Else

It made me cry as I felt what he and my daughter had to endure and how profoundly the whole mess had affected him. 

It made me realize just how much my son really loved and appreciated me and how much he still does. I was a really good mom before all of this and he lost that for a long time, almost lost it completely and he knows it; whether we talk about it or not, he knows it. 

It is no wonder he made the intimidating Karma call to the discriminating professor that triggered a med-mal-related post traumatic stress response in me... It's no surprise a kid who had been through what my son had would react to that situation in such away. 

Whether we talk about it or not, my kids know because they had to live through it too.  

So occasionally we talk about it and that seems to work best for all of us.

Talk is cheap. Avoidance is not.

Screams that go unheard

 As I continue to write my medical malpractice claim sometimes my insides start screaming, "ARE YOU INSANE?!?! HOW IN THE HELL COULD YOU IGNORE, DISMISS, DISREGARD AND THEN DENY THE MANIA I WAS EXPERIENCING UNDER YOUR CARE???" 

It is screaming so loud inside of me that it slips out of my now very stable and very level self as I audibly question the emails in a normal curious tone. 

It is mind boggling. And disturbing. 

Embarrassing.

EMBARRASSING

and not just for me. But (and really even more so) for Dr. He and IHC.  Really? "No evidence of mania, except for in the emails?" That evidence alone being over-the-top and so extreme that

It makes my insides scream 

at them and everyone who has played a part in the misdiagnosing and dismissing of dangerous conditions

of me and the reckless disregard for me 

and the disregard for every other person in the world around me 

because that is one of the very scary realities of mania when one does not know or believe they have it. 

The PANEL, from DOPL. I won't but I want to disclose their names now too because of what they have dismissed and condoned. It is very, very scary to society to know that these types of acts and omissions are so common and or excused that they would so easily dismiss, condone, and turn a blind eye. 

It is so so so so disturbing the more you dig into this medical malpractice world. It is very very scary how IHC has used laws to create and hide, beyond what is discoverable, entire fraudulent departments and practices that literally oppress, abuse, and distress faithful and trusting patients who have been the "victims" of mistakes made by their false gods with PhD's. 

My plight, I am finding, is likely going to have to rise to the level of challenging the Unconstitutionality of what is really going on in the medical malpractice world, laws, and the Courts who too frequently solely protect the attorneys of the providers- To be clear, it is NOT the medical providers being protected, it is their attorneys' paycheck that is exclusively and shamelessly protected. 

It benefits neither providers nor patients for medical and psychological providers to 1st misdiagnose, then deny misdiagnosis and then to arrogantly/stubbornly/ ignorantly/ shamelessly/maliciously/or-whatever-it-is-ly continue down a path with a patent that deprives them of dignity and their rights and refuses to address the providers obligations to improve the practices of medical and psychological care for others and society in general -and according to the Medical Practice Act and their Associations' codes of conduct and ethics. 

My insides still demand, "What the hell is wrong with all of you? I was such a mess and you claim I 'just didn't like what you decided.'"

Do I really have to explain that you do not actually get to decide if a person is sick, injured, or ill? NOPE you really don't. Your job is to diagnose, not to decide, but to recognize and then treat. Really, it's true, your decision does not change the condition of the patient. Your treatment does. So if your decision contradicts reality and you refuse to change your mind then you are a threat to your profession and your patients. 

Screaming. My insides are still screaming. 

My condition was so so -resisting-the-urge-to-curse- bad that it is egregious just how vehemently they deny it and their responsibilities associated. 

I meant for this to be a very short post- a quick shout-out- to validate and relieve the screaming inside of me and reasons for it... but my insides are still screaming... screaming to be let out and heard knowing the danger I was and will always be in without proper and adequate care and the danger others are in because our medical institutions are not what they claim to be.

...maybe...Screaming to be free of the danger I am in when and/if others likewise "decide" that I, and my kind, are not worth treating, listening to etc, again. 

Their decision was to invalidate me, degrade me, dismiss me and continue with practices and policies that perpetuate harm; and thus they are correct, I did not like their decision. Do you? 

The screams of bad dreams that no one can hear when you are in desperate need of help... 

The screams then turns into pleadings, because they hold all the power and their decisions had such a significant impact on me and their decisions will continue to have significant impacts on the lives, health, safety and livelihood of others and society in general.  

Neutralize, compartmentalize, rinse and repeat.

To be honest, I don't hate what I am doing right now, which is writing the very lengthy claim of medical malpractice against IHC. Even though often what I am learning is disturbing and shocking, it has been and continues to be very interesting and fascinating learning process. I am learning a ton about the law and the realities about how our legal and justice systems work. In addition to that I have gained a lifetime of experience and side information as well. So I do not regret my decision and I am happy with my progress. In fact I finding increasing enjoyment of the process and it is proving to be a very worthwhile investment in myself.  

However, it has not been an easy journey to get this far and, albeit less in frequency and intensity,  I still find myself repeating my sustaining and self-fulfilling mantra of "That which we persist in doing becomes easier. Not that the task itself has changed but that our ability to do it has increased." I am glad this mantra is working. And so well as each step in this heavy laden and often stressful process is transforming into such a welcomed pride invoking accomplishment as I choose to appreciate and celebrate them instead of allowing them to weigh me down. 

Of course I still have to be careful and realistic, and I am which is why I came here for a bit of reprieve from my current task... 

The task you ask?  Well, I am intentionally trying to recall all of those confusing and conflicting memories that were on vivid detail repeat in my brain for so long. So long that I feared they would never go away and I'd be torture for eternity by them if I did not solve precisely what they were, what they meant, and what to do about them... For sooo long...

For so long I worked to solve them so I could escape them. For so long I was torn apart a thousand times a day by them. For so long those memories and words of Dr. He plagued and haunted me. ... and indirectly my family. 

And the harder I tried to solve the more they tore me down and every relationship for or with me.  

What a strange irony that now I am struggling to bring those memories back to my conscious recollection; asking my brain to remember them as precisely as they used to replay in me. 

Mania and the after effects. TBI as well. Such interesting and fascinating phenomena; especially from the 1st person perspective. 

The preciseness and heightened senses that keep things so exact in your brain while compromising your ability to act precisely and logically at all. So fascinating and I don't hate that I have experienced it. I just hate how you are treated for it. But now I am rambling, a bit tangential, and maybe avoiding a bit...

Because really, there is a cautious part of me that does not want to bring those memories back at all. Let them stay buried? Nope. I won't. They will be exposed because this is how I keep moving forward and how I keep moving on. Dig them out and keep digging until every root of the problem is out of the ground; too dried and sunbaked to ever grow again so matter the ground it is sown in. 

 I do find it quite helpful that I have so much written down because then I don't have to rely on memory and the emotions that digging can bring to the surface. Reading and then re-writing is much easier to neutralize and compartmentalize.  

Place Holder for Good People and Things

 I wish I had more time to post the good things that have been happening and things that are helping to restore some faith in humanity as I fight this fight... But learning how to go pro se in 60 days is very time consuming. I am learning how to be an attorney in a very short period of time and with very little help and resources. But I am doing it and I feel sad for the defendants because their stubborn and ill advised continuance to deny any responsibility fault etc. is not in any parties best interest and just the filed claim is going to be embarrassing to them -Which it rightfully should be but it is sad how unnecessary it has been for them to try and conceal and to perpetuate harm. It all could have been so easily avoided and even still can if they would just admit their mistakes and make efforts to improve -the way the are expected to by law and by the standards of basic human decency. 

Anyway, enough about that (another plea to those who may be following to please be reasonable) what I really would like to do is make a place holder for some stories that are worth sharing later. Those stories include:

• My birthday, the Sur Ron, and 
• the appointment on my birthday with the surgeon who fixed my hip. This appointment was about the numbness that still remains in my inner thigh. It was another "unexpected outcome" from a medical procedure only this one has been handled in stark contrast to how INI and IHC has handled the "unexpected outcomes" that happened when I was under their care and in direct correlation to their care, practices, procedures, etc. Standard of care in response to "unexpected outcomes" should be consistent with the common sense, ethical, fair, compassionate, and decent way that Dr. Hip-Surgeon responded.
• How the DOPL Division Director handled my concerns and complaints about how the DOPL hearing and disability related accommodations were handled. The interactions started not so good but this director did not simply write me off with condescension and degradation. Initially it felt like he was trying to but I knew there was likely some misinterpreting on both our parts when he agreed to meet with me and listen; and that was so refreshing. He even agreed to address some of the issues I brought up with his staff and to make changes to better serve the public. He learned, I learned, our support people learned, and together we addressed issues and made improvements that benefitted everyone. I left feeling not only validated but grateful and very appreciative. It was such a simple and appropriate way to handle the situation. 
• The growth and development that comes from tackling the hard stuff. 
• This one is not a good thing but I wish I had more time to blog about the sudden death of my husbands dear lifelong friend who died of a heart attack at the cardiologist's/doctor's office during a stress test. Such a good guy. Such a sweet wife and an incredible well adjusted blended family despite their many challenges... Gone so quickly. My husband feeling like he lost a piece of himself is angry with the entire medical industry, angry with the doctors. The growth in my husband to be able to express his feelings about this is significant. It is also surprisingly validating to me that my husband feels he now knows too much to think that the medical providers present were not in some way at fault for this. I am not sure how to explain this one and I don't think I am explaining it well so be advised that you may be misinterpreting what I am trying to articulate, but ultimately, my husbands supports is greatly appreciated while our hearts break for his family and for the devastating loss of this friend, especially knowing the nasty battle they face on top of it if they try to pursue filing a medical malpractice claim. A claim that common sense says should be paid on but that will first be reviewed by attorneys who will most likely do all in their power to collect as much as they can on the insurance payout that should be going to our friend's family. And that is very sad. 

... There are many things, especially good things in my life that I wish I had more time to write about but right now I have to stay focused on the hard tasks in order to meet those deadlines. 

Upgrading to Marginalized

 Marginalize: verb [with object] treat (a person, group or concept) as insignificant or peripheral: (as adjective marginalized).

Synonyms to marginalize(d) include: sideline, trivialize, isolate, cut off, shut out, disenfranchise, alienate, estrange, and discriminate against.

The definition alone of marginalized is not adequate to describe those two demographics I belong to, TBI survivor and Bipolar. Two demographics that it is currently socially and culturally acceptable to discriminate against. If we include the synonyms to marginalize we get closer to our status within society, but we are still not quit there. Marginalized is still a higher status then we are so often given and the term is just not adequate enough to describe our plight.

So in conjunction with the term marginalized, the demographics of TBI survivor and bipolar also need these terms to be included to describe our societal status: dismissed, degraded, devalued, dehumanized, misconstrued, misrepresented, stigmatized,...

Let me explain some of the harsh realities you face when have bipolar and/or have had a TBI and people know it. 

If you are normal (or if people don't know about your conditions) when you reach out to someone or entity for some legitimate purpose it is perceived to be for the purpose that you are reaching out. If you do not hear back and you follow up, this is considered to be a positive trait. You may be heralded as being persistent (in a good way), motivated, resolute, purposeful, resolved etc and you are more likely to get some form of response back. To which you will then reply according to the response which will most likely take the form of an invitation or thoughtfully given rejection. If it is an invitation you are further rewarded for future correspondence. If it is a rejection you will often still be praised for response that is equal to thank-you-for-your-time-and-feedback or a one-more-hard-sale attempt. 

However, if you have one of those other aforementioned titles attached and people know about it far, FAR TOO OFTEN, for following the EXACT same model as outlined above or less, you will be entirely ignored. If you dare to follow up then it is highly likely to be misconstrued to be harassing, and you will be treated with all manner of degradation. You may even be threatened for it. It is degrading, demoralizing and dehumanizing. But still, YOU, the person with known mood altering disabilities, are required to respond with graciousness and dignity as if the perpetrator of the dehumanizing is noble for even giving you any of their precious time. And it does not matter how calm, nice or stable you actually are, if you exhibit any form of impatience or frustration you are immediately shut down, shot down, and shut out. It does not matter the circumstances or the fact that such circumstances would increase stress and seriously try the patience of EVERY persons and if you are behaving better then most people, if you have one of those labels, and they know it, you will be condemned for any show of weakness.  It is far worse than being marginalized. 

When you ask for clarification, for your rights to be honored, for the same/equivalent treatment or if you continue fighting for the ending of such treatment you are only further misrepresented, chastised, ostracized, criticized, dehumanized, etc and given all manner of degrading labels, like: crazy, pain in the ass, delusional, waste of time, of no consequence, etc. 

People fear you because of their own misconceptions, biases, prejudices, etc. But if you try to clear those up, you are often treated in similar fashions as those described above.

If you ask for help you are shunned and shamed. 

And you get to listen to people casually talk about "crazy" people and "bipolar" in the most degrading ways. Nice people, good people, will say things  "that demon child has got to be bipolar or something." Or  like the therapist who asked my sister "so when are you going to leave him?" when she went to her for help and to learn how to cope with and handle her husband's bipolar illness.

Can you imagine if a person went to counseling for help handling the realities of life and issues associated with their spouses illness of cancer, diabetes, etc (like they so often do) and the therapist asked them, "So when are you going to leave them?" because they had been diagnosed with a tragic illness? 

We would be, as a society, absolutely appalled. We might even say it is "outrageous and intolerable."

If certain people are chastised, dismissed, degraded, devalued etc for expecting people they have paid, to treat them according to their paid professionals obligations to them (example doctors and professors) is that acceptable in a civilized community?

Is it acceptable to dismiss, degrade, ostracize, chastise, punish, etc. highly vulnerable and marginalized people for being highly vulnerable and marginalized? 

This is a small and severely understated example of what people like me are facing. It is why it is hard for us to get appropriate care or to admit to anyone, including and even especially ourselves, that we need the help and care we do.

It is also a HUGE factor in the suicide epidemic that is rising instead of declining. 

And this is all very frustrating. 

So I am asking our medical and mental health providers to please, at least, upgrade us -those with TBI, Bipolar and other mental illnesses- to marginalized. Marginalized is at least recognized in policies, are a bit more protected, and there are many grants and programs to help de-marginalize the marginalized. 

...I decided to post this to FB and after I did I started reading others posts. About the third post down was a heartfelt and beautiful tribute a friends young adult son who was just diagnosed with cancer. It is sad and I hurt for them... but I also have to admit I felt a bit of jealousy. Jealousy because they are dealing with an acceptable illness and an acceptable trauma and for it, they have very visible and compassionate support....

Wouldn't it be nice if all of us with serious life altering medical conditions were treated with the same level of support and compassion. We'd never allow the same degrading treatment to happen to this young man and his family because of his illness... so while my heart hurts for him and his family I am also grateful for them that his form is considered acute and has a good survival rate and I am grateful they are not dealing with an illness that they would be shamed, shunned and even vilified for in addition to and while they are dealing with the immensely difficult trials they will be as they try to stabilize and beat this illness/disease. 

Burden of Conscience

 To many things are going through my head about what I need write, document, cross-reference etc. that it is keeping me from sleeping. So I think, "Maybe I should just get it done right now since it is keeping me from sleeping. 

And this makes me nervous. Maybe in a PTS(D) kind of way... Because I still know and remember too well what happened last time things started keeping me up and preventing me from sleeping. 

I think I will be okay this go around because I have weathered many storms and I am NOT feeling the accompanying chemistry surgings but it is still a bit scary AND I need to sleep. 

So I opted to write out a few things that are keeping me up right now. 

1st: Their attorney. Blah. I need to respond to her last email in which she denied being deceptive as she was being deceptive. It was comical. And she went off about the evidence she presented to the Panel as if I had complained about things I had not complained about. I am baffled about why she went off about that and exactly what she thought my complaint was that she was addressing. What I think I am likely NOT baffled about is what her going off on that tangent suggests since my complaint was about her and IHC people being deceptive. 

She also claims she has been professional with me, or something like that. What gets me here is how I knew and she knows that she has done everything she can to cause stress to me. Apparently, I have learned these last few years, that is how attorneys "play the game" and crap like that. So they engage regularly and frequently in intentional inflictions of emotional distress and this is considered normal and acceptable among  attorneys. BUT intentionally inflicting emotional distress IS unscrupulous and illegal and thus a violation of the Attorney's Code of Ethic. Just because it is commonly practiced does not make it legal, ethical, or appropriate. It is beyond me how these practices are so widely accepted and excused. This is also part of why I will keep fighting. 

The other thing on my brain is how full of fallacies and inaccuracies the Panel's decision, facts, and opinions were. And what do I do about that? For the sake of patients and society it genuinely scares me  how much they dismissed, turned blind eyes to and excused. It is disturbing and unsettling that they so easily bought into the lies, deception and the slander and defamation of me. 

It's hard to know what to do. Do I try to offer corrections i.e. like by pointing out that there is no evidence to support IHC's claim that I had been told from the beginning that Dr. He would be limiting his therapy to 10 visits AND that the form and format he had started and was following with me would not be responsible to start with such a restrictive number of appointments AND this is well known by therapists... Do I try to stand up for myself i.e. by pointing out that I had NEVER been diagnosed with bipolar prior to seeing them and was not diagnosed with it until months after I had left their facility.

There is a lot of insanity and delusions in that write up directed to me about my experiences and what really happened but the insanity and delusions in it are not mine...

And just one more thing I'd like to say that is in my brain: Forgiveness does not relieve one of the obligation to report. I really wish it did, but it does not and the burden of conscience will not let you sleep when you know something and/or some people need to be reported and stopped.  

Medical Malpractice and how it's handled

Here are a few things I have learned (please correct me if I am wrong): 

Medical malpractice insurance is expensive and costs continue to increase. 

Medical malpractice insurance only covers the medical providers attorney fees. It does NOTHING to protect or pay for damages to the patient. So it only pays to fight having to pay for damages to the victim of malpractice.

"Frivolous" lawsuit are NOT common but they are spoken of and perceived to be both within the medical communities and without. 

Very few people pursue legal action for legitimate medical malpractice and of those who do even less win.

As a victim of medical mistakes you will be vilified for the mistakes made against you. 

Medical providers are regularly making medical decisions about your medical care and even diagnosis based on advice from attorney's who do not have the credentials to be giving medical advice. 

Large medical institutions put into place entire departments, policies and procedures to conceal their malpractice and even illegal acts. They give them names like "risk management" or "Office of Patient Experiences."  

Medical providers will protect their own PERIOD. 

Our systems are NOT fair and we do NOT all have equal access to justice or fair treatment from medical providers.

Attorney's are the biggest bullies and even though they have ethical guidelines they are supposed to follow, NOT following them is so commonplace that it is perceived and enforced that it is entirely acceptable for them to break their rules. 

"Standard of care" is far too subjective.

...There is a lot I have learned to include here but mostly I just wanted to write out how badly medical mistakes are handled and that THIS is what creates malpractice... 

And I want to share the analogy that is forming in my head: 

If a medical provider accidentally cuts off your arm, the pretty and professional box they wrapped your arm in does not negate the fact that they cut off your arm. But, at least here in Utah, that seems to be the standard of care when medical mistakes are made. 

And then, to top it all off, they and their attorneys will say, "See how pretty and professional this box is? See, we didn't do anything wrong. We don't know why the patient took their arm off and they did not disclose to us that their arm was removable before we carefully placed our knife on it with significant force. But even though they didn't disclose that we still put it in this nice pretty box for them. It's not our fault they don't like the box."

And then the panel, their peers, will say, "Their box is very pretty therefore they did not cut off your arm. Furthermore, your telling them that your arm was now missing, trying to figure out what happened to it and then trying to warn others was reason enough to misdiagnose you in the first place and then ostracize you for it." 

Yep. That about summarizes it and what you can expect in a DOPL pre-litigation hearing. And I am sorry to have to report this but the panels decisions literally and in all honesty makes about that much sense. (Really- They literally justified my immediate termination based on contact I had made with a third person over a year and a half after said termination. I know you are going to think you read this wrong or that I am being misleading in some way, but I'm not. You may refer to my previous blog entry for more information about that exact third person contact. It will not be hard to prove in court that this contact was made LONG after termination and was NOT what it was misrepresented to be during the pre-litigation hearing) 

It reminded my husband of a scene from Oh Brother Where Art Thou: "So I borrowed it until I did know."

hmmm, now why did the Utah Supreme Court rule that process as unconstitutional? At least that. 

Reaching out vs Calling out

 It is shocking just how bad the medical malpractice really is and how much people can and will deny. 

Today I find myself repeating what seems to have become a necessary mantra: "That which I persist in doing becomes easier. Not that the task itself has changed but that my power to do so has increased."

But still it is hard which is why I am here... choosing to say all the things I want to say here. 

1st it is shocking what people with titles will condone from their peers and others with titles. Shocking. And how they will condone all of it. They will not even acknowledge that, yes, maybe somethings could have been done differently or better or that there were some mistakes made. It is shocking that they won't even give you that... And disappointing too because then you know you really have to fight because it is far worse than you knew and want to believe... Which again confirms that you are not the only one. 

How in the hell can positive advances be made in treating and diagnosing patients if when medical and psychological providers make mistakes they deny everything and refuse to look at what could have been done differently? 

With IHC, they directly contradicted themselves, distorted evidence, faulted me for believing them and trying to protect them, and they straight up lied about things. They straight up lied about things that made NO sense to lie about. Like 10 minutes to reiterate. Why would they lie about an appointment only being 10 minutes long? and if Dr. He really did only spend 10 minutes talking to me at that last appointment, then HOLY SHIT the mania I was experiencing was MUCH MUCH worse than I knew. And the SUPPER POWERS were REAL!

...which also means Dr. He really did engage in very reckless endangerment and/or, especially considering all of his highly acclaimed credentials, is either shockingly stupid or did something really bad and VERY inappropriate. 

It's scary really. Damn scary... and I wish I didn't know this first hand...

2nd: How the hell do they all sleep at night? or are they really that delusional in their beliefs, values, practices, egos whatever? How the hell do their attorneys sleep at night? Do they actually and literally enjoy bullying victims AND lying to the medical providers? It sure seems and appears that way. And do these attorneys really believe their lies? Do the providers really believe their lies? This is very scary... because the scariest liars are those who believe their own lies...

Since I am saying here what I wish to say, but know I am expected not to, I think I might also let them know I have every right to reach out to people who might know just how bad a person is and how far I need to take this fight. 

Yes, I DID reach out to Dr. He's ex-wife and I am not sure how that all got brought up to him; if she used it against him or if she just let him know that it had happened. If I were to guess based on things Dr. He had said to me I would guess that she used it against him. However, since I now know that He is not honest, cannot be trusted, AND that he said somethings to manipulate me, I might more safely assume that she may have just brought it to his attention. Or she was scared of loosing part of her income (in the form of alimony/child support) if he were exposed for what she knew him to be... Who really knows? Not me because I am not allowed to talk with anyone who could answers these questions. Which brings me back to my point in contacting his ex-wife at all; which can be easily summarized into "seek first to understand." 

When I reached out to her the ONE and ONLY time I did, via Facebook, I did so because I had been put into this situation where I knew things were wrong, that Dr. He had been deceptive and deviant on some level, but I was not sure how deceptive and deviant he was. I DID NOT want to go after him at all. I did not want to file complaints and lawsuits etc. BUT I also knew, especially because of how things were handled and continued to be ignored, dismissed, condoned, etc by IHC, that this guy could be/is a REALLY bad guy. I knew there was/is a chance he really is a grooming psychologist who very cleverly set himself up in the PERFECT position with a very prime demographic of patients, and that he was so good at it, so subtle, calculating, and charming in a self-effacing way, that he may never be caught regardless of how much harm he causes to those of us he chose/chooses to groom. I also know that others aren't as strong as I am. They don't have the experiences, background, etc I do and after knowing how his manipulative practices effected me, I can't even imagine how much worse off other victims would be... I had/have an obligation to protect. But again, I don't want it and I did not want to take on the burden of trying to stop this man. It's a very difficult predicament to be in. But I figured I had to ask and that it was better to ask then to not. Especially if his ex-wife knew he needed to be stopped but was powerless to do so herself. 

So am I bad for that? Is that inappropriate on my part? It is debatable and I, myself, can debate both sides. But if we look at my intentions and reasons for reaching out to her, AND the fact that I tried only once, I will firmly argue that this should not be used against me and it most certainly should not be used to dismiss the malpractice and misconduct that were the reason for my reaching out to her. Especially since it was over a year after I had left his Neuroscience Institute. 

And just in case you want to see that message for yourself here it is: 

"I am sorry to bother you, or I hope that I am not, but I am in a very difficult predicament and moral dilemma that I am struggling to resolve that involves your ex-husband ***. He was my therapist almost 2 years ago. From what he has told me it was when you were going through your divorce. This may have been what lead to his mistakes with me, but I am also aware that he may be far more deviant than I ever wanted to believe. Would you mind talking to me about him? He, or his institution, now have me pegged as something I am not and it has caused significant problems. I am not sure if he intentionally misdiagnosed me to protect himself or if it really was an accident and they, as an institution, just handled insanely poorly but things need to be reported and I am really tired of waiting on lawyers. Plus I don't want to, and never wanted to, be the enemy they seem to think I am or have tried to make me out to be to cover up their mistakes with me. I know if you ask him he will try to keep you from talking with me, as he has done with the people at the Neuroscience Institute and others. He will also try to use it against me. I am not sure why, but even as I type this out I am seeing more and more that I have an obligation to report him... I suppose I really just want to know, and I figure you of all people will know best, just how deviant/manipulative he is? Does he need to be stopped?"

The only thing that was changed was the omission of Dr. He's name as indicated by ***.

Conviction

 Pre-litigation was Wednesday

Something that is very interesting about the medical malpractice DOPL pre-litigation hearing is how top secret they want you to keep them. I had to sign a paper. Having gone through one I can tell you that it is definitely interesting how "private" and "protected" they are. 

It is no surprise and very apparent why the Utah Supreme Court ruled the requirement of obtaining a "meritorious" ruling in order to bring the claim to court as unconstitutional. It is. 

But I am not aloud to take about it. hmmm

What I can say is I went through the process so I could learn and I learned A LOT. One of the most important things I learned was how my brain handled it... Which was not very good. I cannot do what I used to be able to do as far as presenting AND unexpected surprised took a bigger toll than I anticipated. 

I can also say that it strengthened my resolve to keep fighting this and clarified my reasons for fighting. 

Now I am going to get tangential. Or am I?

Yesterday I got to work at my resort teaching snowboarding. I was a bit tired and was willing to be cut if all of us instructors weren't needed. But I was needed. I agreed to take the first time kids. I ended up with 5 boys ages 9-11. 4 of 5 were surfers visiting from Hawaii. Three were related and there together. 

Funny thing about surfing and snowboarding is how similar people think they are. While there are some similarities, the mechanics of how they work are opposite in many ways. For example surfing is back foot weighted and steering while snowboarding is front foot steering and, when you are learning, you have to intentionally weight the front foot in order to make up for the laws of physic that make your body try to stay at rest while gravity and snow pull your snowboard into motion. 

Also edges. Surfers do not feel edges like you do on a snowboard. And on a snowboard you have to feel and use those edges. 

These lively boys were definitely surfers and initially it was a bit of a disaster because of their surfing background -a common occurrence, which is really why it is funny comparison. Needless to say, it was an absolutely exhausting lesson. But I made the best of it, was glad for the chance to practice my compartmentalizing, and we had fun. 

So much fun in fact that the three related boys guardians' tipped me. Very well. 

Then they asked me if I'd be there today and if they could request me. I was not scheduled and I had an appointment. I was also not sure if I had the energy for another day with this rag tag team of snowboarders... But they were great kids and their grandpa and dad were so kind and grateful. I knew I could not do a full day of a kids group lesson, my brain would be far too exhausted, but a private with just the three of them, at only 3-4 hours I could handle. Especially since I get paid significantly better for private requests. So when dad and Grandpa asked to book me I happily obliged.

Today we had even more fun and the boys made amazing progress! I was beaming proud. Then to top it all of I got twice the tip I did the day before. Yes! Such a rewarding day.

But then the day got even better. I got to take my dear sweet TBI survivor friend to pick up a car that some very good people donated to her. It was so awesome to see a company that is part of a large corporation do something so generous. -It's kind of ironic that I am not allowed to publicly talk about that either. At least I am not allowed to tell who donated it, but this time it is not because they are hiding anything or trying to be deceptive, but only because, sadly, they know they cannot help everyone who needs it and deserves help.

In conversing with my dear TBI friend, who was so grateful for the car and so proud of me for standing up for myself and speaking out against the TBI related medical malpractice, I realized that the extra amount I earned from teaching snowboarding these last two days is precisely the amount it will cost to file the medical malpractice claim with the courts.  

Sometimes our paths are made clear. 

And sometimes our tangential is not so tangential after all. 

I may have a lot of work to do. A lot. But I am not afraid of it. I was put here for a reason and I will do my very best to expose what is going on at IHC and the attorney/legal malpractice that we are ALL victims of- patients and medical providers (at least the honest ones) alike. 

Dear Magnificent Masterminds of the Medical Malpractice Model,

 Trying to make this as difficult and stressful as possible on me is in fact accomplishing your purpose of causing increased physical harm. 

Which just spurs me on and reminds me why I cannot give up. 

And maybe that is your goal, because my guess, dear Attorney, is that the longer you have me engaged in this fight the more money YOU make-

Does not matter to you the expense or the toll it will have on EVERYONE ELSE. 

Whatever your game, I see through you and I won't be quitting just because you know how to be a mean and nasty bully. 

I'd rather DIE fighting then give in to your malicious-intent. 

Sincerely, 

Defending All Parties from you

Finding my ground.

 It's starting to come together, all of the evidence, lined up with all of the stories being told that don't quite line up. 

And I am feeling good about that. Feeling good about what I am doing and why. Connecting with Renee's inspiration for me for the day:

...but as I work the sneaky devil still connives and I am aware that his hooks planted so deeply inside inside still tear at me just a little. 

It feels a bit like push back of previous phases in the medication balancing act. I feel it in the regions that ignite and excite and I am shocked that there is still some semblance of him associating with the igniting. 

So strange. Humans. Psychology. Chemistry. all of it so very strange. 

But I am also excited to see so much progress and to know how much better I am

Because I did NOT give up and I do not give in when the imbalance of powers are crushing me to maintain and increase their own imbalance. 

 Feeling very subjugated and slot-rattled. 

And I just want to scream at those records: ITS NOT ABOUT HOW THINGS ENDED WITH J F*ING P IT'S ABOUT HOW MY BODY RESPONDED 

ITS ABOUT TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH MY BRAIN AND WHY!

ITS ABOUT GETTING APPROPRIATE HELP AND CARE

with something I continued to NOT be allowed to talk about or address... with those who could actually help me figure it out. Because talking it out with others and trying to do all they told me to as far as going elsewhere was getting me nowhere and worse. They needed to correct their mistakes so that others knew how to help me correctly. 

subjugated and slot-rattled in so many ways. 

That was my buried story. 

and that is my dominant story

that they reinforce and dictate with gas powered lanterns and iron-clad fists 

cold calling

 Money and power

those are what win 

and those are the people we listen too

No right and wrong

no standing up for whats right

no defending and protecting 

even your friends.

Money and power

that is who we trust 

and that is who defend .

There are no impartial panels or juries or individuals

We are all partial to

a title

money

power

and ego

and for it

we all lose

at least 

those of us who do not process

the appropriate amounts of 

money and power.

We even lose to ourselves 

as our own financial peers

and even lower rankings

whose job it is

will only "investigate" 

those who transgress 

if they do not possess

the appropriate amount of 

money and power.

Turning a blind eye

to the high

ranking 

titles,

individuals,

and institutions.

Claiming we are

"protecting our interests"

we abandon

our friends

our truths

and our values

as we talk about the atrocities

of other cities.

And then to top it all off

we are expected to graciously thank

for taking the time to so thoughtfully reject us

and making us wrong for asking at all.

Oh thank you

you noble 

deceiver of self

Quote for the day

“If I focused on the portrait of the family I wanted to be, I could pretend the bad parts weren’t real; like this life was a temporary state of being, not a new existence,” Land wrote.

Heartbreaking Netflix Series 'Maid' Based on True Story of Single Mom Stephanie Land (today.com) 

my disagreeable position

"We disagree with your position," says the attorney who is refusing to provide records which means when I do take this to court I will have to go through the process of getting a court ordered subpoena. 

Whatever. I figured as much but I had to try and I wanted to test the sincerity of her "look forward to working with you," statement. 

But "We disagree with your position." Really?

And I just have to reply:

"Yeah, so do I, which is why am filing a suit at all."  

In other words

Yes, I also disagree with my position which is the position this attorney's clients have put me in and precisely why I am pursuing this course of action at all. 

Persistence

“That which we persist in doing becomes easier,
not that the nature of the task has changed,
but our ability to do has increased.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Discovery

 So if you ever have the misfortune of going through any legal proceedings you will learn about "the discovery process." 

And that there, I believe, might be the real reason people hire attorneys -because finding out just how badly people really have been lying about you and treating you is genuinely painful and frustrating. Especially when you are in a situation like mine and the ONLY reason you are taking the legal route is because of how truly terribly things have been handled against you that creates the daunting weight of responsibility and obligation to protect others and humanity from these kinds of pointless abuses. The burden of reporting, speaking out, and standing up for what is right can weigh on you with suffocating pressure. 

When turning a blind eye and giving the benefit of the doubt is no longer an option because of how frequently and unjustly you have been abused by systems and people in positions of power, trust, and responsibility, when you have learned just how truly terrible these systems are treating not just you but others who have it so much worse than you, then you will know just how painful the discovery process can be. 

But fortunately for me I am much stronger and my emotional resiliance is ever increasing as I take the punches and resist the urge to throw deserved blows back when I am encircled by bullies and there henchmen. 

Yes, we all have our breaking point, But I already know mine and I know it's pretty damn high. It takes A LOT to break me. 

And here is the thing those warped narcissists, that keep throwing punches and low blows at people, need to understand; The target of their abuses will eventually reach a level of strength and stature that they will never be capable of achieving and then they will not stand a chance when it comes to throwing blows at you or anyone you choose to protect from them.  

Of course that is only true if they don't succeed in completely destroying you, but that leaves your blood all over their hands. 

And they will eventually be held accountable for it, in this life or the next. 

“That which we persist in doing becomes easier,
not that the nature of the task has changed,
but our ability to do has increased.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

(and just to be clear to any attorneys looking to use this blog against me this blog entry is referencing USU and Cache County Prosecutor's Office) 

Wind Rivers

 "She's a fighter, so no matter how far you think she ran, she ran farther." 

It's a line (or proximate) from the movie wind river. I am watching and 30 minutes in I have already researched and read information about the true story that this movie was "inspired by" and I am already choking back tears. 

It is not inspired by one true story but thousands of heartbreaking and disturbing true stories of horrific abuses and murders of Native American women. 

But it is representative of so much more than that and that becomes obvious right off the bat when the FBI agent expresses her concern with the being able to do anything legally if the coroner does not label the death of the girl as a murder, something he legally can't do because the technical cause of death was due to her lungs bursting because she was running away from her abusers in negative degree weather. Now we see some of the incredibly stupid problems with our government institutions. How hands are tied of those who really want to help and politics, fear, and crony relationships prevent others from doing the "right thing" and/or holding each other accountable. 

Then we see some of the problems related to extreme poverty, generations of discriminatory practices, and intergenerational trauma. (Specifically suffered by the Native American's which is significant and atrocious). 

Many problems.

And yet our law enforcement agencies spend time and resources filing charges against innocent people who are the actual "victims." Our systems are messed up and perpetuating the discrimination is NOT the answer.

Which is why I cannot personally tolerate it. But unlike in the movies and just like so many women and vulnerable people, I am far too alone in my fight and there are no hero's standing up to the bad guys for us. Especially the bad guys in power and the bad guys within the "good guys." Or are they simply cowards inside of "good' old boys?"

Driven to fight because I know my situation is representative of atrocities far worse than mine. 

Zero tolerance. 

It's the only way to end these truly atrocious global epidemics that are far worse than any viruses. So, even if I have to take on the government and the whole world alone, I will keep fighting until I have made enough noise that my fight is heard and I become powerful enough to stand up for and fight for others. 

 "She's a fighter, so no matter how far you think she ran, she ran farther."

And for those who keep dismissing the discrimination and acting as if there is not sufficient evidence to prove it please stop lying to yourselves. A person being criminally charged because a professor does not like them and because they had zero representation in the investigation against them for a potential (and only potential) threat (not even a criminal act) that it was known the accused did not commit is a pretty obvious form of discrimination and bias. Especially when the accuser, who is a person in a position of power over the person they are accusing, and the police fabricate evidence and claim the person to be guilty based solely on their assumptions about specific traits of the person -like gender, race, or, as in my case, ADA qualifying disabilities.  No crime was investigated by Officer Christensen or any other police officer at USU, but they did talk a lot about my mental health and made some very inaccurate, libel, and slanderous accusations against me based on solely on made up stories by a person with a title and their own misconceptions, biases and fears and/or ignorance. It's textbook discrimination.  

Expunging the dishonest practices of Cache County Prosecuting Attorneys.

 Demoralizing and degrading. That is what it is and how it feels when I have to call and order and pay for, out of my own pocket, expungement certificates in order to expunge my records of the charges that were maliciously, dishonestly and even illegally filed against me by Cache County. 

It stirs emotions and anger is one of them. 

There are several names for this and one is "intentional infliction of emotional distress" and they are intentionally doing it to already vulnerable demographics of people. 

... and just like with just about every situation of abuse, you know you (and your kid) are never the only one.

Freaking dirt bags

Time to blog it out...

I am grateful that I am so much stronger now. I am immensely grateful that I have a good medical/psychological team that I have been able to turn to and rely on. And though I wish I didn't need it I am beyond grateful for modern medicine and how effective it has been for me. I am glad to be strong again. I am glad to be past and over so many things...

but I am still broken. My brain is broken and that is not repairable or reversible. I have made peace with it and I have found many strengths and silver linings from and through it. But that does not fix what cannot be fixed and it does not change the past and circumstances that never should have occurred that created many other delicate scars. 

and it is time to blog it out again. 

I am working on organizing all of the documents and crap associated with the medical and psychological malpracticing of me. There is a lot. I felt strong and confident going into the task... but that fades as I go and it very literally hurts again. 

It hurts to see and read all the mishandlings, mislabelings, and degradations of me by those in the medical industry that I loved, trusted and needed so much. As strong and confident as I am, it still pulls me down and I start to feel week, sad and tired again. 

I will have to take my time. I will have to pace myself. The giant tears that are now rolling down my face confirm this. They are tears that have not spilled like this for a decent amount of time now. So slow I will have to go, with many breaks, to manage organizing all the many messes that were made of me by IHC. 

This is my fight song.

 "So many things are so screwed up right now," says my new carpool companion, "but there is nothing we can do about it," she adds.

"I'm trying anyway," I respond.

And I am. 

And you know what? It feels really good to be trying to and to be standing up for myself and others. I am working hard to be the change I wish to see in the world. I will keep working to help change the misconceptions, stigmas, mistreatment, etc. of very vulnerable, underrepresented, and misrepresented demographics of people.

We deserve fair treatment, respect, and equal opportunities. We deserve appropriate medical care and representation. We deserve equal access to education and equal protection of government, laws and courts. 

And it feels so much better to fight for it than to accept the degradation, prejudices, unfair and unethical treatment, and discrimination. 

A Fighting Chance

 "I look forward to working with you on this matter," is how the attorney representing IHC closes her email to me. Is she patronizing?

-Left hand tremor especially prevalent, evidence of TBI misdiagnosis, that named parties dismissed and ignored- 

It makes me shaky inside and out as I know, from my experiences thus far, that this attorney is really saying, "I look forward to destroying you"

and she might just as well add, "while collecting every penny and then some that should be provided to as reparation for the careless and then malicious malpractice." 

Of course, me being me, I hope this is not so and I wish to give her the benefit of the doubt, but my insides know better 

and this attorney and her firm will make unknown times more than I finally asked IHC to refund me when it became evident that I could not trust the services I had paid them for and would need to pay significantly more to actually determine what really was going on with my brain that was the subject of their malpractice. 

That gut, that instinct, coming from my experiences with them, that is what makes me shaky and, yes, I'll admit it, a bit scared, because experience has taught me that she is going to come after me like a blood thirsty hyena with no regard for what is true, fair, just, or that will help me in anyway. My insides know she intends to contribute to and increase further harm caused by my ex-medical providers -that nearly cost me my life and caused many other forms of harm to me and my family. I do not want to assume, but I also know I need to be prepared both mentally and physically for the worst and I suspect she will be just as ruthless and possibly more so than those I am trying to stand up to. 

So why bother with proceeding, you may be asking? 

Because sometimes you have do what is hard because it is the right thing to do. It does not happen very often in life to be truly faced with the opportunity and/or responsibility to do the right thing, but when it does, you cannot escape it. 

I have learned that too. 

One way or another, you have to choose and if you choose to ignore it, avoid it, escape it, "just let it go" etc, it will eat at you like cancer, destroying you slowly until you either choose to stand up for yourself and/or what you know to be right or it destroys you and most, if not all, of what you care about. A cancer that will eventually take your life one way or another through death or by turning you into the cancer that you will then cause to spread to others in ways similar to how it was spread to you. So when you are faced with one of those rare opportunities to do the right thing you have to choose or decay and death will choose for you.  

This is also how you know when you are doing the right thing and if it really matters. 

And clearly I am not alone, or this law firm (that I have been warned intends to destroy me) would not be in business, especially considering just how stacked the laws are in favor of said medical providers. 

It's going to wear on me. It's going to take a toll and I know it. It's going to be harder than I know and I have been warned by other providers about how ruthless they will be... I have already experienced it.

But that is literally why I am fighting this. Causing harm, then hiding it, then deliberately trying to destroy a person to cover up mistakes you made that caused harm to that person is the exact opposite of fair/ethical treatment and justice that our systems are supposed to be offering and protecting. The form and level of bullying and dishonesty that is coming from our medical providers, educational institutions, and legal systems is egregious. The misrepresentation and unfair treatment of people like me is archaic and exhausting. It is exhausting to watch, it is exhausting to experience, and it is exhausting to see it ignored, excused, justified, dismissed, etc. again and again and again. 

It is also heartbreaking.

Which is where I end. Both literally and figuratively. 

This fight will eventually get the best of me and I know it. My heart will eventually fail me and I know it because I feel it. But that is also why I fight- it fails either way but at least fighting, I might just make a difference and help others along the way as well- and maybe, just maybe, they will listen and my heart will be spared, even saved. 

Or maybe it will be good strength training for my heart and I will build its strength up so well that I may live longer with a higher quality of life. 

Maybe, through this, I will strengthen it enough to be able to fight for others whose hearts are still broken and being broken.  Suicide is on the rise and it is no wonder why. We need stronger hearts and our systems that are supposed to be helping need to be fixed. 

So, Dear Attorney, I will not lie or patronize thus I admit, I do not look forward to working with you but I do look forward to working on this matter and I will offer the benefit of the doubt, hoping that your words are sincere instead of patronizing

-because TBI survivor lives matter, people with bipolar matter, patients matter, justice and fairness matter, honesty matters, ethical and fair treatment of all patients matters, mental health and protecting it matters,  and I matter too. 

Sincerely,

Me

At least, not without a Fight.

 So much to do in so little time. Statutes of limitations are rarely fair for the victim. 

There are many problems with our courts, laws, governing bodies, and people and institutions in power. 

Many.

What I don't like most about them right now is the effects it has on my physiology. 

The other day my husband told me that few people are genuinely brave and that I am one of those few people. 

It's not always true. I am not always strong enough to be brave. ...but overall, I suppose it is. 

How long bravery can hold is the real question. How many beatings can the boxer take before he cries out "in his anger and his shame 'I am leaving I am leaving...'" 

..."But the fighter 

Still remains..." 

and that's where I am at. The fighter knows what happened was as wrong as it can be and that the fight needs to be fought because of it. Not just for the sake of self....

It is very hard to be brave sometimes. It is very hard to know what to do and how to fight when the fight is not a straightforward clean fight...and sometimes you have to wait until you are physically and mentally strong enough to be brave again. Brave gets you nowhere when you are too week or too injured to withstand the blows of the offenders. 

It has been a very dirty fight, this has. Fraud used to cover misconduct. Which is why I know I have to settle this once and for all. I have to stand up for myself appropriately proportionate to the opposing levels of misconduct. I won't fight dirty like they have, but my conscience and body tells me I have to fight as much and as hard as I can because of how dirty they have fought me when there should not have been a fight at all; when the focus should have been on health and healing and improving knowledge and practices. 

I also fight because I have to accept the reality of the situations that brought me here. I have to accept the reality of what happened to me and my body and the misconduct and bad practices, ethics, values, morals, etc. that broke me so horribly and then kept breaking me, again and again and again, with reckless disregard, every time I asked for no fight, but understanding and fair treatment....

I am letting whatever comes out come out right now as my body is struggling to maintain the stability we have worked so hard for... 

I do not like, at all, the way my body now responds to stresses and circumstances.

I do not like how it responds to problems that need to be faced, addressed, and fixed. 

I do not like the toll it takes to face Goliaths and groomers...

"I do not do well with blurred boundaries," he says as he breaks and blurs his boundaries and then accuses me for it. 

"I do not have blurred boundaries," I say, "They just look different than others. But they are solid and I know it because I check them and test them, much the same way a rancher tests their fences."

And when a boundary is broken, they fix it... to protect their assets? Or is it for the safety and wellbeing of all parties? Because cows wandering on highways is very dangerous... 

Breaking boundaries, brains, hearts, and souls. Getting other people to go along with it. Going along with the instructions to do and/or increase the breaking. Fraudulently covering misconduct... That is when people need to be stopped. 

I wish it weren't so, but it is. and I won't be sit by when I know there are parties that wage wars on humanity and bravery because they are too cowardice to admit they made mistakes or so deviant that they manipulate others into playing their Nazi-esque games -Followers then following the leader where ever they may go without knowing why or simply because they fear what will happen to them if they take a stand themselves by saying, "stop, there is something not right happening here and I won't go along with it."

Systems are supposed to be in place to prevent this in our civilized world but they are NOT functioning as they should. 

Brave.  

The thing that bothers me the most is how so many people treat this like a game. This is not a game. I am not their toy to play with how they wish. My health and wellbeing is not a game. I know TBI. I now more fully know and understand bipolar. I know what they are all pretending to understand, be experts on, and and to be working to figure out -what they have paid thousands and years to learn. This is not a game for those of us who live with the reality and affects of these conditions. 

Do not try to make me out to be, or into, things that I am not for your amusement, pride, pleasure, ego, fear, or fallacies. 

Learn from me and learn with me but do not try to define me by your limited understanding. Your universities, studies, PhD's and organizations are decades behind. Do not try to destroy me or silence me to hide this. 

Do not try to destroy me to hide your failures, ignorance, deviance, bigotry and misdeeds or to stroke your pride and your egos. 

I will not be your victim.

"Do you think I have been here playing games with you this whole time?" I ask. His silence confirming that he had.

 

Emotional Distress- now how do you calculate damages for that?

 I did it. Today I did it. I filed the Notices of Claims against USU and Cache County Prosecutor's office.

Because I am determined not to allow them to destroy me and I am determined to beat the harm, past present and perpetual, that it is causing me, I am learning a lot on this journey through our legal and judicial systems. For the most part it is not fun and it has been very stressful and distressing. The infliction of emotional distress is very real and it manifested itself today as I hand delivered the Notices Of Claims to the appropriate persons. I opted for that to ensure they were delivered and so I could obtain receipt of delivery immediately. I was not going to gamble with the mysteries and mishaps of electronic or mail deliveries. 

So first I took my notice to the county. It was not the office or department I am standing up to that I had to deliver to. Which is probably a good thing for both them and me because it was hard enough being nice to the non-offending receiving department. I did my best and overall I think it went well but they could clearly sense my tension and I felt as though I must have been staring daggers with how on edge they all seemed. It was comical when the man I am obligated to send the notice to was telling me the best way to ensure delivery is to submit it electronically as he was holding the notice in his hand. I tried to relieve the tension with comedy by commenting on my observation of that fact. I am not sure if it did or if it just made him embarrassed. He was nice though and I was glad for it. 

Next it was to the University. The Office of Legal Affairs/General Counsel. They were not as fun. The lady was sweet the whole time but the friendly bubbly young attorney was not as friendly as he was presenting and at one point he actually told me to chill out. Which was especially disrespectful and condescending considering how damn good of a job I was doing at maintaining my composure in this lions' den of the  Goliath I am trying to take on and that has been playing very nasty games with me and my life for the past year plus. I did not appreciate his comment. 

I did however appreciate that Utah Attorney General Assistant that issued the biased report was there so I could address him personally. I was told I would now have to go through various channels because I filed a Notice of Claim, but I at least got to say, "you assumed things about me that aren't true," ask him why he never bothered to consult with/interview me (when he said his decisions were based on what was presented to him), and I got to tell him that his report had many errors and misrepresentations. I told him to read the part of his report where he explains what the officers job was, because that was exactly my complaint: the officer did not do those things- "but then you dismissed my complaint" I reminded him. This attorney was much more professional and seemed more genuinely nice. I appreciated him for listening and explaining things politely, and even taking some time to respectfully listen. I was still mad at him for his part in all of this, but I felt some respect for him. 

Then I left and thought of all the things I wish I had said... but that's the thing about intentionally and/or negligently inflicted emotional distress; it comes out and can be hard to contain. I wish I had been on my game and been able to say in that moment to the snarky young attorney, "you see, that's one of the problems for us TBI survivors, its a lot harder to hide our emotional distress. Especially from those people and institutions who have caused it. Now how about you document your witnessing it. Thanks." 

I also wish I would have remembered to tell them that while it may be a game to them, they are messing with peoples lives and livelihoods. And USU has been screwing with mine (and my kids) in egregious ways for the past year plus. This is not a game to me. 

I maybe would have also liked to have said "Yes, I am and will be representing myself because despite so many University employees' false beliefs about me, I am competent and intelligent enough to do so." but my blood was boiling to much to reply so cleverly when the arrogant young attorney asked if I had an attorney.  

I hope they read this so they can hear those things that needed to be said.  But I did not beat myself up for not saying them. I won't let them have that power over me and when I left I was actually quite relieved and it felt good. A weight had lifted and I felt a soft tingling wave of pride, peace, and hope wash over me as I drove away and allowed myself to feel whatever it was that I needed to feel in that moment.  It was nice.

A confirmation that I am doing the right thing. 

So I fight because Goliath does not scare me and I am fighting for so much more than just me and for financial reparation. 

Keeping Busy

 I have been keeping busy by substitute teaching. I'm currently in the midst of a 3-4 week longterm sub job teaching a group of "challenging" 6th graders. It has been challenging, but teaching always is. 

Even when it is not. 

One of the reasons I accepted this job was to test my limits. I want to see if my now-deficient-brain is capable of handling teaching full time. So far the answer is yes and no. It is possible that I technically could do it... but thus far, two weeks in, it is not getting easier as far as my body is concerned. It is getting harder to get up in the morning when I hoped the consistency would make it easier. By the second half of the day the kids are loosing their steam and focus. Which leads to much more noise and off task-ness. In addition to that my brain is becoming more fatigued. It makes it very difficult to remember things and to teach math, which is what this teacher has scheduled for the second half of the day. I also find myself taking things more personally. I try not to let that show, because logically I know, their rowdy kid ways have little to do with me, but I have observed this internal struggle a bit. 

... These are few things I have noticed. I still know what I am doing and am often able to get through to the kids but the depletion is real and if I am being fully honest I do not think my body would be happy with me if I had the additional stresses and time demands of teaching full time...

Which is sad, because, overall, I am a good teacher.

But could I even get a job if I wanted to with that black mark on my record now? The black mark of being criminally charged for my son trying to stand up for me when I was being poorly treated by a disability-discriminating professor?

It's a major stressor. And I have emails about it waiting to be read that are coming from people and institutions I already know I cannot trust. It's more than I want to put my body through right now and it is very unfair. Yet I have their 10 day deadline I am obligated to meet. How convenient for them that they get drag things out for so long, cause so much stress and then put rigid and rather quick deadlines on things. 

I don't have the energy or stamina to read them right now. I don't want to push my body chemistry again when I have so many challenging kids to take care of... so I am instead on here trying to blog it out in order build my courage and strength to faces these things I need to keep fighting. 

And why do I need to keep fighting? https://www.cbs58.com/news/10-year-old-utah-black-and-autistic-student-dies-by-suicide-weeks-after-scathing-doj-report-on-school-district

Bullying is a huge problem in Utah and this is exactly what has been happening with me; bullying. How can we expect kids to stop bullying when the adults in positions of power are bullying as much and as egregiously as they are and nobody that is supposed to does anything to stop it? 

When universities, professors, Office's of Equities, police, prosecuting attorneys/ our justice courts, and even Utah Attorney Generals are bullying and/or ignoring bullying, then how the hell can we expect our kids to stop bullying? 

When our medical providers and their institutions are bullying and ostracizing how can ever hope to end these issues?

It trickles down, all the way to kids. Suicidal thoughts are a symptom and sometimes they are a symptom of being ignored, disregarded, discriminated against, bullied, dismissed, and despised by those we are supposed to trust and those whose job it is to protect us and to educate. 

The story of the little girl breaks my heart on so many levels. 

He and Heh

 I am facilitating an Emotional Resilience group meeting coarse for the next few months. During this time we have action partners that we check in with during the week. The facilitator is involved the same way as the rest of the group. Because we had an unbalanced mix of men and women we decided to make our action partners a trio instead of doubles. Initially the group wanted to switch partner-trios every week but after the first week they all wanted to stick with the same trio for longer. I am not surprised and was fine with the change. However we had to split the family dynamic of my group so we had to rearrange the groups... and I somehow landed in the group with the one person I absolutely did not want to be grouped with.

But it is only because his first name is the same as ex-neuropsych, Dr. He, and it is spelled the same. It seems so ridiculous that this would bother me and I think I am just being silly. It will be fine.

But I am pretty sure there is some PTS happening that may be Disordering me. He, in the group, started the text between me and the other lady. That's great, takes the pressure off of me. But Other Lady does not reciprocate the check in... She reports how she is doing but doesn't ask how we are doing.... It's silly and I know it, so I sit down to text, "and how are you doing with your goals this week He?" It makes me cry seeing "He" like this on my phone. Talking to He. 

I covered my bases by keeping it very impersonal by asking specifically about his goals, not about how he is doing or how his week is going. I feel like I have to direct the message at him to include him... But I can't do it. I can't send the message. So I delete his name and retype, intentionally misspelling it to the more commonly used and more benign form of the name. He with an h- Heh (ha). It's enough of a safeguard and I am then able to hit send. Can I keep this up? Is it okay to intentionally misspell his name to avoid that trigger? Should I tell He this? 

I don't know. But it kind of sucks just how much Dr. He, with the help of his Institution, screwed me up... 

I'm so much better and still improving but sometimes it is still too much... which is probably why I came here next. To process, publish, and move on again. 

Knowing when to fight and when to sleep

 It was so nice to get away and be able to entirely focus on my book. Coming back I went straight to substitute teaching for next three days for a teacher that appreciates me and recognizes my value as a teacher and a person. The kids are great and I have good report with them as well. So that was nice. The weekend I spent with my husband and son and that was nice. 

But now it is back to all the realities looming. Including those that are still unresolved in regards to my academic potential...

I have insurance companies to deal with, attorneys to talk to and to try to talk to and even to take back to court to collet against. I have issues to report in regards to the looming and increasingly perpetuated problems of discrimination, bias, and "intentional infliction of emotional distress" by Utah State University, etc. 

Now really I don't have to try to keep fighting to be heard and treated fairly by USU, I can just move on... But then I have to grieve the loss of my potential, accept/allow egregious forms of prejudice and discrimination, and so much more...

No matter what I do it is hard and not okay and this is all causing me to feel sad and low. I am sad and low and I find myself struggling to do anything... Too many heavy burdens that people don't care to care about.

Discrimination is stifling and so degrading. It is why blacks are still fighting against it. Because they are still be psychologically, socially, emotionally, crushed by it. Sure it might not be as bad and as obvious as it used to be, but it is still there and still too prevalent. It can be messy and hard to discern when it is discrimination or just people being jack asses. It is a far heavier burden and psychological mess to navigate than you will ever know if you haven't experienced it. I feel for the other minorities and marginalized populations.

I feel for me too. I have to. Because it's not fair to expect myself to be okay with all the shit that has and continues to go on and I will never be okay by accepting that I am the shit people are treating me to be. Because I am not. I am more and I know it. 

And this is how I turn it around. How I stay okay and how I keep moving forward no matter how slow and heavy my feet and legs are; no matter how much my brain begs me to allow it to go back to sleep. I will keep moving and I will keep going, even when tears are streaming or just blurring my vision, I won't give in and give up. I will not accept what I have been degraded to and how I have been misrepresented and miss-presented. 

I fight. 

Even if sleep wins again. 

Happy Halloween from Utah State University

 "I will never check myself into a mental health hospital," I tell Dr. She after she reminds me of the option. 

This conversation took place more than a year ago. It was had when I was still stabilizing with the help of accurate diagnosis, medication and my new medical team. I was not entirely in the clear and would still feel push back from my chemistry that had been surging out of control for months. I will admit there were times when I wished to be hospitalized and it would have been wise for my medical providers to have suggested it, even demanded it, and I technically needed it. 

But, as I have said, I am not likely to ever willingly check myself into any kind of mental institution or hospital. Why?

Parable time: Insane Asylums do not have the place they have in creepy, terrifying US Halloween culture for no reason. There are plenty of reasons. But the cold, hard, truth of the matter is, it was not the mentally ill patients that made the asylums terrifying. They may have made them uncomfortable, weird, bizarre, interesting, etc. but not terrifying. What made Asylums and mental institutions truly terrifying is how the  medical providers and staff -those who were regarded as sane, trustworthy and responsible- treated the mentally ill patients. The terror is in how the "stable" and "sane" treated the vulnerable and marginalized people who were as inflicted and in need of help, compassion, and treatment as any person in any regular medical hospital.

The problem I have with "mental" or "behavioral" hospitals, is that I have heard far too many horror stories of how people are treated currently by those who are considered and even highly regarded as stable, sane, and ethical.  So many bad experiences from people when they are broken and at their most vulnerable, injured, and in need of help. I have a heard some good stories but those are few and far between and seem to only be coming from patients who have significant financial resources.

It is a very sad reality I have been reminded of this Halloween season. 

It's even more tragic knowing the horrors USU psychology department, police department, Students services, even the Office of Equities and Disability Resource Center, etc has so needlessly inflicted on my family; the exact people who should, can, and are even paid to know better. Tragic and terrifying that we still allow this kind of crap. 

 

Now let's review

In searching for my poem about Italy (for my book) I found this blog entry that creatively summarizes just how terribly things were handled by Intermountain Health Care and the Intermountain Neuroscience Institute in Murray Utah. It also gives some insight into how adversely that has effected me. 

To INSI For the Unlawfull Carnal Knowledging to the minds that you do

It was bad. It was really bad. 

But my title made me laugh. Do you get it? 

O what fun

 Taking a break from writing to write 😏

Oh what fun the writing of this story is... 

IT's so freaking crazy... 

I am so very glad that I am finally in a place where reading what I wrote is not triggering. It is so nice to replace Dr. He's name with the fictitious name I chose. It is so nice to be stable and not cycling through that horrible euphoria, those tragically beautiful moments, the relentless ruminations, and all that makes bipolar the fascinating beast of an illness that it is. 

Big Sigh. 

I am so grateful that I was not stuck there forever the way it felt I would be as the misdiagnosing continued and progressed from days to weeks and then into months while I was working so hard to navigate those waters, stay grounded in reality, and stay ahead of the unrelenting pull of manic insanity. 

Our professionals and their institutions still have so much to learn and so many improvements to make... I hope they will read my book when it is done and make those very easy and obvious changes that so desperately need to be made. 

I hope people will listen and hear. 

Now I better go take those miracle working medications that help me stay this way. 

Good night.