He and Heh

 I am facilitating an Emotional Resilience group meeting coarse for the next few months. During this time we have action partners that we check in with during the week. The facilitator is involved the same way as the rest of the group. Because we had an unbalanced mix of men and women we decided to make our action partners a trio instead of doubles. Initially the group wanted to switch partner-trios every week but after the first week they all wanted to stick with the same trio for longer. I am not surprised and was fine with the change. However we had to split the family dynamic of my group so we had to rearrange the groups... and I somehow landed in the group with the one person I absolutely did not want to be grouped with.

But it is only because his first name is the same as ex-neuropsych, Dr. He, and it is spelled the same. It seems so ridiculous that this would bother me and I think I am just being silly. It will be fine.

But I am pretty sure there is some PTS happening that may be Disordering me. He, in the group, started the text between me and the other lady. That's great, takes the pressure off of me. But Other Lady does not reciprocate the check in... She reports how she is doing but doesn't ask how we are doing.... It's silly and I know it, so I sit down to text, "and how are you doing with your goals this week He?" It makes me cry seeing "He" like this on my phone. Talking to He. 

I covered my bases by keeping it very impersonal by asking specifically about his goals, not about how he is doing or how his week is going. I feel like I have to direct the message at him to include him... But I can't do it. I can't send the message. So I delete his name and retype, intentionally misspelling it to the more commonly used and more benign form of the name. He with an h- Heh (ha). It's enough of a safeguard and I am then able to hit send. Can I keep this up? Is it okay to intentionally misspell his name to avoid that trigger? Should I tell He this? 

I don't know. But it kind of sucks just how much Dr. He, with the help of his Institution, screwed me up... 

I'm so much better and still improving but sometimes it is still too much... which is probably why I came here next. To process, publish, and move on again.