Knowing when to fight and when to sleep

 It was so nice to get away and be able to entirely focus on my book. Coming back I went straight to substitute teaching for next three days for a teacher that appreciates me and recognizes my value as a teacher and a person. The kids are great and I have good report with them as well. So that was nice. The weekend I spent with my husband and son and that was nice. 

But now it is back to all the realities looming. Including those that are still unresolved in regards to my academic potential...

I have insurance companies to deal with, attorneys to talk to and to try to talk to and even to take back to court to collet against. I have issues to report in regards to the looming and increasingly perpetuated problems of discrimination, bias, and "intentional infliction of emotional distress" by Utah State University, etc. 

Now really I don't have to try to keep fighting to be heard and treated fairly by USU, I can just move on... But then I have to grieve the loss of my potential, accept/allow egregious forms of prejudice and discrimination, and so much more...

No matter what I do it is hard and not okay and this is all causing me to feel sad and low. I am sad and low and I find myself struggling to do anything... Too many heavy burdens that people don't care to care about.

Discrimination is stifling and so degrading. It is why blacks are still fighting against it. Because they are still be psychologically, socially, emotionally, crushed by it. Sure it might not be as bad and as obvious as it used to be, but it is still there and still too prevalent. It can be messy and hard to discern when it is discrimination or just people being jack asses. It is a far heavier burden and psychological mess to navigate than you will ever know if you haven't experienced it. I feel for the other minorities and marginalized populations.

I feel for me too. I have to. Because it's not fair to expect myself to be okay with all the shit that has and continues to go on and I will never be okay by accepting that I am the shit people are treating me to be. Because I am not. I am more and I know it. 

And this is how I turn it around. How I stay okay and how I keep moving forward no matter how slow and heavy my feet and legs are; no matter how much my brain begs me to allow it to go back to sleep. I will keep moving and I will keep going, even when tears are streaming or just blurring my vision, I won't give in and give up. I will not accept what I have been degraded to and how I have been misrepresented and miss-presented. 

I fight. 

Even if sleep wins again.