Just don't say anything about it. That is what you are supposed to do, or at least expected to do when you are have been hurt by others.
And you are especially expected to do this if you have any known cognitive or mental health issues
That literally makes it harder for you to do just that.
"Dear God,
please take this pain. I need you to carry it for me.
or help me carry it.
Or teach me what I am supposed to do with it
So I can heal and move on."
What are we supposed to do with our pain?
The answer is probably not so simple and probably not so singular, but plural. Plural because there are so many types of pain, so many reasons for it, and so many things that are done with it.
And not so simple because if it were we wouldn't be feeling it -our bodies would not be trying to warn us about the something and whatever -it-is that is causing the pain.
Some people think it is best to keep it inside and hide it- but too often that kind of pain comes out in very unintentional ways that causes even more pain to ourselves and/or those we love
or at least think we love
or just pretend we love.
Not caring is one way a lot of people deal with pain. Self-centered focus is a way to deal with pain. does it work? I am not sure.
Others try to deal by pacifying and "being at peace with everything," which I also distrust.
I suppose right now I am dealing with my pain through writing and blogging in a place that feels safe to me but also has at least some potential to reach others who may also be suffering...
...Although the sad-side-note-truth that I recognize is that it is most likely my enemies who have literally followed this blog with the intent to cause harm to me, who are most likely to read this. So maybe this is not such a safe place to share my pain...
but alas I am fading in all the ways they want me to and they can find their sick and twisted joy in knowing they have contributed in every way they can to my demise.
Lashing out, that's another common way that people deal with their pain... But my pain focus changing- I will ask you -you sick followers Courtney, Sean, Lance and crew, who intend and are literally paid by IHC, Intermountain Healthcare, to keep causing harm and pain to me and my family- who in this situation is the one lashing out? Am I now lashing out at them because I am in pain, or are they the whipsmen who have made careers of lashing out to hide the pain they do not want to themselves feel and face?
Or are they just sadists?
I don't know. But oddly, my redirection to anger towards them and expressing my genuine disrespect for what they do, does some how seem to mitigate the pain I have been feeling from other sources.
Or is that a mask?
Honestly, I don't know- but they are being paid well to cause my pain so I might as well make use of that redirection of emotions that offers a form of relief. So Fuck You Nelson and Naegle for fighting for both figurative and literal F.U.C.K-ers and repeatedly and intentionally fucking me over.
And you welcome for keeping you on Intermountain Healthcare's derelict payroll by refusing to be silenced by assholes like them and you.
Today
I do not refrain
-at least not from using the words that unfortunately fit best.
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