I am grateful that I am so much stronger now. I am immensely grateful that I have a good medical/psychological team that I have been able to turn to and rely on. And though I wish I didn't need it I am beyond grateful for modern medicine and how effective it has been for me. I am glad to be strong again. I am glad to be past and over so many things...
but I am still broken. My brain is broken and that is not repairable or reversible. I have made peace with it and I have found many strengths and silver linings from and through it. But that does not fix what cannot be fixed and it does not change the past and circumstances that never should have occurred that created many other delicate scars.
and it is time to blog it out again.
I am working on organizing all of the documents and crap associated with the medical and psychological malpracticing of me. There is a lot. I felt strong and confident going into the task... but that fades as I go and it very literally hurts again.
It hurts to see and read all the mishandlings, mislabelings, and degradations of me by those in the medical industry that I loved, trusted and needed so much. As strong and confident as I am, it still pulls me down and I start to feel week, sad and tired again.
I will have to take my time. I will have to pace myself. The giant tears that are now rolling down my face confirm this. They are tears that have not spilled like this for a decent amount of time now. So slow I will have to go, with many breaks, to manage organizing all the many messes that were made of me by IHC.
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