Nagging Dilemmas

 I have this ever present nagging dilemma... Sometimes it causes real pain in my heart; it physically hurts. Other times it causes a pit in my stomach with an ever so slight nauseous feeling. While others times it is a knot in my throat. It can make my head feel heavy and tired. Sometimes this dilemma causes all of these.

"I need to report..."

but truth be told, I still don't want to...

and that is when I start to feel all of those feelings... as tears well up... 

Tenacious

I am rather tenacious in my faith and confidence in people. 

And I felt things. I know things. About that man that I know I need to report. 

Why do I need to report? Because he crossed boundaries, he absolutely did play with me when I was very vulnerable and trusting him to help and care for me, when I was reliant on him and paying for his services. He has lied about what happened and my condition. He missed and/or intentionally dismissed very serious conditions (mania and even TBI) to cover up his mistakes and/or deviance. He said things and there is evidence that implies that he has done things like this before. He knew too well how to protect himself from his deviance. He was suggestive in a scenario where he absolutely should not have been. He planted ideas and then he set things up to make me look bad. He was slanderous. He lied about me saying that I behaved inappropriately... and other lies... He blamed me for his boundary violations and deviance and when I was in a very child like position with him. He will go to any length, no matter the cost to me, to cover up what happened. 

All these things.. You would think it would not be hard to report him. Clearly I need too.... Cleary I have a duty to especially since that is the path they pushed me down and I was even told to... I was told to, but then repeatedly punished for doing it by himself and his institution. That is important. I was told to and then severely punished for doing so. Even though I tried to do so in a way that would not cause any harm to him or any of them. I tried to explain every time that I was just trying to figure out what was going on with my head... Only to have the manic fed fantasy reinforced with denials and dismissals of the reality of my physiology and conditions.  

SO why the hell is this so hard to report?...

...Because (and here is where I want to verbally chastise myself but I will try to refrain) I still genuinely care for the bastard. I still see the good in him and potential. Because I know that if he would be open to it he and I could help each other in profoundly powerful ways that could then be used to help other TBI survivors ...and possibly help transform how transference is understood and how countertransference is so poorly handled across the board in the US. I am the expert from the other side of the couch that validates his career and life's work AND some talents and skills he has that TBI survivors need. Skills I know he has that others (maybe even including himself) likely don't fully understand the value of, and why they are are so valuable specifically and especially for TBI survivors. 

Because I know [or believe] that working things out directly with him would be far more beneficial (to at very least me) than reporting and going through all that nonsense which may just result in creating a better liar of this man who then would know the degree to which he can get away with his games and using of patients for his own self-serving purposes. 

... there is more

More in me that is resistant to reporting... Maybe not more but rather extensions of what I have explained. Tenacious hopes and desires to reconcile and work with the man I thought he was... But with the intensity of what was, and what was not, cleared up through the simplicity of reality (specifically referring to the transference and countertransference that were manic fed) 

...Resistant to report because then all potential is surely lost forever... 

Which in reality, everyone else seems to know clearly already is...

Due to their pride, ego's, arrogance, and irrational fears?

And yet I hold out with idealistic hope... Praying for an alternative... 

When I know, considering how it was all handled and the very clear misdiagnosing and malpractice, I need to report...

to the governing bodies whom they work for and with whom they pay their licensing fees to

... that don't give a shit about no-name nobodies like me... So I guess there is that too. I have lost a lot, if not all, faith in the institutions and organizations who claim to be there to protect us and hold accountable those in power... who pay their wages and govern their boards... 

But then their is also the recognition of their accusations and the level to which they are willing to take their lies... and I know I probably need to report to protect myself from them and their fraudulent accusations against me... They threatened me with legal and criminal actions... Using false allegations and accusations and scenarios they have carefully set up to make them appear real to some degree. Traps I walked into again and again, loving them, trusting them...needing them. 

As badly has they have handled and treated me you would think reporting would be easy.  And that is the deep psychology that is most intriguing and most unsettling... 

Sigh...

and the dilemma...

the nauseating, heart crushing, weighty burden...

 the ever present nagging dilemma...

"you should have seen me before head injury," I joke as he tells me, according to his testing of me, I am still "one smart cookie" and [he thinks] I have not lost any intelligence from the TBI's. 

A broken brain that is still intelligent. A blessing and a curse. 

...And so much potential to help others, if only they would open their eyes and get over their irrational fears. 

Celebrating The Long Lonely Highway

I wrote this post while driving on Sunday 8/23:

"A lot can happen in a year." 
This is what I am thinking about as we are driving home from Saint George.
As I am contently riding with my husband, two kids, and the dog along the long lonely highway I am reminded of the drive I did alone, from Saint George to Provo for the Brain Injury Alliance Conference almost one year ago. As we pass a particular exit, I remember how I had to pull off and pull over to prevent my foot from turning into lead

in an effort to quiet the noise that was in my head.

…I remember, in desperation, knowing that I was not safe in that moment that I had to do something. But aside from pulling over, I didn’t know what to do. I turned off the car and got out of the sleek silver bullet -weapon of self-destruction- I was no longer safe enough to be operating. Tears streaming, I started walking away and into the hills of cedar and sage.

Now, as we drive pass that spot I tear up a bit as I remember this and I recognize just how far I have come. My heart swells and the tears well up higher as I remember CP’s sweet and sincere response to me as I walked through the shrubs talking with her on the phone. It was a wise decision, to phone a friend, and I feel especially blessed to have a friend like CP who knows me well enough and loves me enough to respond with so much love and such sincere concern.

She talked me down and she reigned me in. She reminded me of who I really am and that I matter. She loved me enough to know that I was in real trouble and stayed with me for as long as I needed.
Which, ironically, is always so much less time than one might expect when the love and concern is sincere.
…and I am in full tears now as I remember this and as I am so keenly aware of how far I have come and how well I am doing now.

I am so very grateful
That I am here
Alive and well
And So eternally grateful
For all the beautiful angels that have helped me get here:
CP
Dr. She
Psychiatric PA
My husband
My kids
My sister
Another sister
Physical Therapist Doug
Renee
Oriant Coach J
CS from Quora
Neighbor friend J
A few other neighbors
Neighbor friend’s mother-in-law
Bob
M
R
D
Ski friends
Little angels here and there

And I am meeting more.
…And myself. I need to credit myself as well because, as Dr. She has pointed out, I never gave up, I kept trying and working to find the right help very much on my own when I should not have been left alone with that task… and she is right, I did save my own live by doing this. I loved me enough to keep fighting for me even when I was losing me and losing with me. That is why I needed to find and recruit others, I was losing against me and I needed back up.
And that is how it works 

that is how you win in the fight against Suicide.
You keep fighting and you get back up.
That is how you beat mania and the crashes that follows.
You keep fighting and you find the right help.
And that is how you get ahead of your TBI
You keep going, you keep trying, and you find the people you need to help you figure it out

…and if the first group fails you or, even worse, betrays you,
you keep trying, you keep fighting, you keep getting back up and
You do it all again… and again 
Choosing to trust again even when you don’t
…Maybe this time trusting yourself more than those that you are entrusting yourself with, and trusting a bit more carefully, but choosing to trust none-the-less.

And I would end there but I feel it so important to point out that the first and critical ingredient needed for this recipe of success is: recognizing that suicidal thoughts are a symptom -not the problem nor the solution, but a symptom.

Once you recognize suicidal thoughts, feelings, ideations, surges, short circuits, or however it is manifesting, as a symptom, then you can start getting to the bottom of what is causing the symptom and what you can do to change the underlying problems.

Some things are worse than COVID

Last week I cried for the first time about all of the COVID 19 crap. I am so tired of all the nonsense and fear mongering. I am so annoyed with how our kids are being treated and how blown out of proportion this virus is. 

I am tired of being treated and people being treated with so much aggressive malice if you differ from the fear driven expectations of the mainstream media. I am so tired of people saying crap about "protecting their loved ones" and how you don't care about peoples lives if you try to point out that we cannot stop the spread and we need to develop herd immunity. I am so tired of the hate and fear. I am so tired of the lack of common sense and abuses being justified and excused in the name of COVID. 

It is starting to wear on me.

I am now powerless to stand up for my children rights to attend school and be treated fairly. 

I am not keeping a calm demeanor in talking to ignorant and irrational facilitators of their educational facilities. I am tired of people, "just following guidelines" and orders...

We are no different than the Nazi's... 

and I felt that when I read Viktor Frankl's book before this whole COVID nonsense. It is becoming more clear how true this is.

I don't want to go into how my daughter is being expected to quarantine and not allowed to participate in school activities because on of the girls on her Pom team tested positive for COVID even though my daughter does not actually meet the criteria for coming in contact with someone who has tested positive. I don't want to write about how the coaches that decided all of the girls should be quarantined, that had the same or greater contact with the virus, are NOT being quarantined and are, and have been, participating in and attending the school events they are not allowing our children to attend... Activities that these girls have been getting up at 5 am and working hard to prepare for through out the summer. 

I am angry. 

and it is wearing on me...

my ability to self modulate this anger when talking with these ignorant and irrational lemmings is feeling very compromised...

I know how this whole COVID crap is being handled is not good and is very unhealthy. I know this because it is starting to interfere with my stability... it is causing symptoms that I know mean something is off and unbalanced. It is even surprising me with the creeping in of suicidal feelings and responses. 

... so what do I do about that?

I'll not join the fear of the masses. Then I die for sure. In life or livelihood, very possibly both. 

Maybe we need a resistance army 

Tough putty?

 My head is feeling somewhat heavy and tired. The weight of worlds is pushing me into the ground...

"You are not making it up," says Dr. Sweet when I tell her I feel so delicately balanced.

I am so very grateful that I am doing so well and the weight I am feeling right now I am certain all would and/or are feeling. Some of it is from all the insanity surrounding this whole novel COVID 19 and trying to parent through this madness, while another portion of it is from the weight of change I feel resting on my shoulders as I try to navigate the path that has been placed in front of me. 

I am trying to take classes in psychology this up coming semester to help me down the path that can ultimately lead to the big changes I know are needed within the industry of psychology. The changes to policies and practices that are meant to address and handle situations of countertransference. 

I wish this idea had solidified itself a bit sooner since school starts in just a few days so I am now scrambling to see what I can make happen. I am feeling the heavy weight and wondering if it means I am trying to bite off too much too soon... 

And I am not sure if the sense of urgency I feel is helping me, or hindering by magnifying the weight. 

Life

Such a nonstop adventure and such a wild ride.

I am sure glad I have the one that I have

because even when things are boring

I am not bored.

And I am so very lucky to have the heavy burdens that I have. Heavy, but interesting, and not nearly as devastatingly destructive as those that I know of that far too many sweet soles have had to endure. 

Renée says, "we chose tough." But I know I am only as tough as spun glass in comparison to her and I am not so sure I chose any of this at all. ... but I suppose I choose tough on a regular basis too even if, right now, as my body is feeling the weight of my head pressing it down into the ground like it's putty, I might just choose sleep...

Dr. Tangled vs. Dr. Sweet

 Sometimes I wish to leave some blog entries up, as the most recent, longer. But then some new develop begs to be written about or written out, then the last just does not stay in that position as long as I'd like it too...

This morning I had the follow up with neurologist #3. This is the one whose company does not take my insurance so I will have to pay significantly more for her because she is out of network. But Dr. Odd does not treat TBI and does not want to and Dr. Tangled was a complete jerk.  

Where she kept repeating, "you have to untangle that mess before you even start climbing the mountain," and "you haven't even started doing anything," new neurologist was saying, "you are probably misunderstood a lot."  And where Dr. Tangled, proclaiming that it was due to the location of my brain injuries, proceeded with condescendingly lecture me for at least 5 of the 20 minute appointment about how I did not respect time boundaries; while on the other hand, Dr. New Neurologist told her receptionist that the 15 minute slot they scheduled me for was not enough, it needed to be a 45 minute slot and she was sorry the next patient will have to wait but she needed to allow that amount of time for me. 

She did not lecture me for her or her office staff's shortsightedness and she recognized that I needed more time due to my injuries and the mess of misdiagnosis that followed.  

Then to top it all off, after actually pulling up and looking at my MRI with me she praises me for how well I am doing considering the location and extent of my injuries. She tell me I am doing so well and explains very briefly how bad of shape so many people are with injuries like this. 

She sees me and I feel validated. I am so grateful for this lille bit of praise because deep down I know I have done well, but unfortunately I have to often been discredited for doing well, as if I were making it up... Though I did not tell her this I suspect this may be why, unprompted, she told me a few times "you are not making this up."  I suppose it like I have stated before, "you know someone is really good at something if they make it look easy." She can see that. She gets that. 

Obviously she is the one who is worth paying for. 

...and she needs a better/shorter name than Dr. New Neurologist... Maybe Dr. Sweetie because that is what she referred to me as so many times and she is very kind herself... But that does not fit quite right... Dr. Sweet? Dr. Kind? Dr. Hallelujah-Praise-the-Lord-finally-someone-who-is-actually-listening-and-cares.... 

I think Dr. Sweet. I am really glad to have found her. She is helping me untangle. Finally I have a neurologist who has taken the time to explain the TBI and whose professional opinion and treatment is not being swayed by the mistakes and intentional defamations strategically placed in my medical records by my ex-providers at the Neuroscience Institute. 

It was never a concussion. That is now confirmed -Dr. Tangled in the first follow up looked at me as if I were crazy for even asking if it had been a concussion, stating very clearly that it has never been a concussion, but then in the next appointment lectured me for getting hung up on semantics when I ask for clarification about it again because, for some reason, she started referring to it as concussion in that appointment. I have this recorded, I'm not joking. My husband recorded both sessions to help me with comprehension and remembering. He said, "I am so glad I have that recorded because that was unbelievable." 

It is sad how hard it is to find good providers to help you understand and navigate brain injury. It is terribly sad and rather disturbing that too many providers who claim to be experts on the subject or claim to know how to help are bias, discriminatory, and judgmental themselves toward us...

I am glad to have found Dr. Sweet and I am glad to finally know what happened and what was and is really going on with my head. It was not a concussion, the location of the injury explains a lot, and a lot of what was being denied by the the Intermountain Neuroscience Institute. the Neuroscience Institute, brain specialists, who never even ordered an MRI or anything else when they absolutely should have considering my history, my job as a snowboard instructor, and the evidence of symptoms that were manifesting so many times while I was under their care. 

... and some words repeat in my head "do good to those that spitefully use you" 

Nothing comes from the malpractice path they push you down so maybe I will have to find some other way to educate and inform those that spitefully used me there. They absolutely deserve to loose licenses; and not because of me, but because of how they treated and handled me, because of their actions. They absolutely should be shut down for handling any patient the way the handled me... But I see this is not going to happen. So, then, how does one help them see what they absolutely need to see in order to help and not harm other people like me?

Covert Narcissists

 I have made some new friends through this very bizarre journey. Friends that are far away and friends that I have not met in person, but friends non-the-less. 

Some have uncanny similarities to my malpractice situation that are shocking and appalling. One such friend mentioned covert narcissism to me. This friend wonders if my ex-therapist, Dr. He, might be a covert narcissist... I know enough about narcissism but I am not super familiar with the term "covert narcissist." I can assume a general idea. At friend's suggestion I look up the term and find this article: covert-narcissist  . I immediately find myself laughing out loud at this:

 "Covert narcissist is a term to describe a person who has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) but does not display the grandiose sense of self-importance that psychologists associate with the condition. They may appear shy or modest."

 ...because it fits so well right off the bat. 

Now, I really don't know if Dr. He is a diagnosable narcissist but so much of the article really does fit. His voice starts replaying: 

"I told you not to try and solve this." 

"You only see what I allow you to see."

"I don't care about the problems on the other side of the world."

"I don't believe in forever anymore."

"You wanted the best," he teases when I go back to him and ask him to be my therapist.

"I don't do well with blurred boundaries." An attempt to blame me for the boundaries he blurred?

"I've tested your brain in ways you don't even know." 

"This is gold."

"You don't know the other side of things."

"I'm going to let it burn out and I suggest you do the same."

"We don't want to encourage dependance" said with apathy as I tried to answer how I felt about him "breaking up with me." Barely able to eke out through my tears that I was "not sure if I am going miss talking to you, or if I am just not ready to go it alone." 

His apathy as he wrote "mourn losses" and flatly suggested, "you are going to have to mourn that loss," in response to my concern that I may not be able to return to teaching. 

... and other things. 

Back to the article. 

I read this: "The term comes from the Ancient Greek myth of Narcissus, a young man who fell in love with his reflection."

I remember this story but as I read this a plethora of puzzle pieces light up in my brain.... mirrored masks, projection, reflection, deflection, transference, countertransference, "It was never about you," (said by Dr. She) I needed to learn to love myself, His words: "only what I allow you to see" "you wanted the best" "because of how easily we connected" "my life is very complex" "I connect easily with people but it's never been a sexual thing" "blurred boundaries" "you love me?" "why are you a stalker?"...  my attempts to clarify that were not received. The accusations that I behaved "inappropriately" and of twisting words. The continued assumption that I was there pursuing him when I was not... the slander and defamation in my records, the denials of all mistakes and the unwillingness to even apologize. The lie "I would always want to protect you." and even his death sentence of "I will never have anything to do with your outside of therapy because I could see myself falling in love with you." 

He was in love with his own reflection. 

Not with me. 

Nor I with he? That is a question... I know and openly admit that part of my transference was learning to love myself through loving him. So he was a mirror for me. Therapists often are. So I know that some of what I loved about him was simply my own reflection. It was how I was learning to love and accept myself. 

So was I the Narcissus in this story? Was he? Or were we both? 

I was trying to protect him even at expense to me. ...And my heart hurt, until I was back to him. I asked Dr. She about this: Why it was? How this was possible? 

"because you did genuinely care for him," she tells me. 

The article suggests, "Anyone can behave in a narcissistic way at times. However, someone who displays highly narcissistic traits consistently across all situations may have NPD." So I think I am not likely a narcissist and I most certainly did not behave narcissistically in my trusting them, loving them, forgiving them, and asking for their help, clarification, and expertise with figuring out was going on with my head. 

But what about Dr. He?

Is he a covert narcissist?

OR

Does the industry create covert narcissists? Do the rules, attitudes, and current policies turn good people, good therapists, into covert narcissists? 

Or was I lucky enough to find a man who already was and has found his perfect place to play and practice, to exercise his dominance and superior intellect?

  

Hold on tight, it's a wild ride, that we all would rather hide... which is exactly why we should not!

 Time to blah blah blog again. Vomit. Of mental processing and emotions. 

Vomit because that is what I feel like doing whenever I go back and read My Self Discovery Report, written in the days of my manic probation... 

I want to vomit because I was sick. Literally sick. Broken brain in more ways than none as my previous diagnosis suggested. Broken and crying for help again and again while my symptoms were being disregarded, dismissed, downplayed, and ignored all because Dr. He, the man who either caused it, contributed to it, and/or (at very least) should have caught it and helped me get appropriate help and care, was worried about covering his ass because he had made mistakes and/or he just might be a grooming psychologist. At very least, "he played with fire" according to most, if not all, of the professionals I have spoken with since.  

He plays with his patients. 

and the result is shit like this taken from My Self Discovery Report, written on 11/20/2018: 

 "7:36 am: I had to take olanzapine. Because this surging of chemistry is becoming too much to bare and I am feeling as though we are either a deeply connected soul mates who will only suffer if we deny the connection or that I am truly mentally ill, on the verge of a break, and I am working hard to keep it in check."

Can you see why I feel like vomiting? Can you see Why it is so damn disturbing that they dismissed and denied the mania? 

I even tried to share these insane processings with him. I had it all printed so he would not miss it. I had sent emails because I needed it to not be missed. 

This kind of breaking is hard to manage PERIOD. Imagine then if the professionals, the ones who are trained to know, are telling you that you did not break, you were not manic... then that means they are saying that intensely deep connection is real...>insert vomiting emoji<

It is no surprise to me that Lori Vallow Daybell went crazy enough to do, and be party to, all the insane things she did after she was documented to be "just fine" by the psychologist that evaluated her after her ex-husband fought to have her evaluated. The ex husband -who she later had her brother kill- the brother who then later died of a "heart attack" though he was in his thirties. No doubt she was diagnosed as "fine" because the assessing providers do not recognize their own bias and ignorance. 

Our providers need to stop with their stigmatizing and biases. Smart, attractive people can become mentally ill. Mental illness is not exclusive nor is it a respecter of status, intelligence, success, etc. And people who have mental illnesses are not immediately, obviously, or completely out of control. We can manage through a lot and for a very long time. But beware of what is being fed in the mentally ill mind. With stigmas, prejudice, judgements and misconceptions being what they are, more often than not the immortal manic minds are being fed an overwhelmingly negative and detrimental diet of ideas and treatments. 

...sigh...

And I will expose what I was, because what I was, was not okay but striving to be... and doing so with a whole lot of opposition and outright betrayal from those that had been sanctioned to be my champions!

Maybe I am more intelligent than doctors and maybe I actually know better than they do.... At very least I deserve to be commended because I actually made it through that shit! 

Without any suicide attempts

 or hospitalizations

 and family still in tact.

 No small feat, thank you very much!

 In all honesty and humility, I find the statement from my writings extremely embarrassing and I would rather keep that sh*# hidden, but I am not going to. I am rebelling and I am speaking out, because this kind of crap, that I endured, I am learning more and more is FAR TOO COMMON and happening to sweet and tender people that have endured far worse than I have. And that is NOT OKAY. 

I will not hide. I will not be quiet about it. I will keep getting back up and I will keep speaking. I will work and I will fight and I will not quit until real changes that actually help and protect patients happen.  

I will keep working to be the change I wish to see in the world. 

The Perceptive Intuit

When I was in jr. high and high school the last day was yearbook signing. You would pass your yearbook around and people would write nice things and sign their name. I am not sure if this is still a thing. I wish it were everywhere the way it was in my high school, because then, if ever you need a reminder of who you really are, you can go back to your high school yearbook and read what people wrote about you. 

I don't know how I ever became as broken as I was when so many great people liked me as well as they did in high school. 

"I love to talk to you because you are so thoughtful and sincere," were the exact words from one casual friend but also a common theme in many of the comments. 

I am grateful for those friends and classmates.

I was also told, by boys, that I was attractive more times than I ever would have guessed... And this makes me also wonder why my perceptions of my attractiveness were so low. 

Perceptions are weird. And how we perceive ourselves can be so distorted by so many factors. How we perceive others can also be. 

...and maybe this is a segue into the thoughts I have had about TBI and the silver linings of it...

"You are very intuitive," says Dr. He, and I am, but I don't think he fully understood what was happening and why. 

The very condition that brought me to him is what is catching him in his games, deception and/or the mistakes of a broken man who has lost objectivity. 

I am intelligent. I always have been. I have really good genes for intellect. In elementary school I was invited to be in a "gifted and talented" class for accelerated learners. I felt like it was a good thing for me because school was very easy and I was rarely challenged in the regular classroom. The program I attended was from 4th to 6th grade, after that we were are dispersed back into our regular boundary junior high schools. 

Midway through my 7th grade year is when I took that first blow to my head. The one that we know bled about the size of a quarter on the left side as seen by CT scan. 

The rest of that school year I struggled in school. Truthfully, I was a bit too out of it to even know that I was struggling. However I do know school most certainly became more challenging in ways and more than I realized then. However, since I still had above average intelligence, after that school year, people did not catch on to my issues and I was not given any form of added assistance. I had to figure out a lot of things on my own. Good thing I am smart.

Actually I am not sure what it is in me that helped me figure things out as well as I did on my own but according to the documented observations of my peers as found in my yearbooks, I was "determined." Which is so cool that they noticed that about me because I didn't. It is just how I was. I also earned the nickname of Tenacious at one point, so I must have been.

So being determined and tenacious I learned some pretty good tricks and one of those was intuition.

A theory: After TBI my brain did not work the same. It couldn't since part of it was gone. So I had to adapt and my brain had to find and establish new neuro-pathways. I believe intuition was one of those.  I often could not remember what I needed when I needed it -like on tests- but I found that if I relaxed my mind and went with my gut, more often than not I would get the correct answer. So even though I could not recall the information the same I could trust my intuition to help me. I am not sure when exactly it clicked but it is something that I realized and then utilized. And I still do.

Another silver lining to my broken brain: 

Remember that I have said, "I know what it is like to be me and not me at the same time" And that TBI has effected mood stability. 

I also learned from sources like the book, "A Parents Guide to Gifted Children" that highly intelligent people can be more sensitive to nuances and injustices. I was in that boat even before the TBI. 

Add that to TBI locations that effect mood stability, language recall, impulse control, and other such things, and you get a person who can be rather psychologically sensitive. 

I'll try to explain.

We are all influenced by our surroundings and situations. We are influenced by all that we are exposed and subjected to. Whether it be school, television, family, whatever. Sometimes we call it "culture" sometimes we call it "entertainment" or "religion" etc. Sometimes we want to believe that we are not effected at all. But I am effected much more obviously due to those areas of my brain being damaged. Thus my polarity is much more obvious. I also have a healthy imagination and I may be a bit of a visionary idealist. So when I watch a feel good movie I can be moved to mania, or rather hypo-mania. And if I am subjected to bad things it is very clear, very fast, how bad they really are because of how they effect me. My mind and body will rebel and repel and/or I will go dark real fast. It is then very easy for me to see that things like pornography are not just wrong but evil. 

Because I have to be so much more careful about what I allow in, in order to maintain balance, I actually have a huge advantage to understanding and knowing when external things are out of balance and unhealthy. 

-I believe this is why I am so frequently regarded as perceptive and intuitive. -

It is much easier for me to avoid "slippery slopes" and the sneaky subliminals that we are bombarded with everyday. Ulterior motives, smoke in the glass, contradictions, hypocrisies, and conspiracies become much easier to spot simply because of how my body very obviously responds. I'll spot them and point them out before I even know I am. 

Yet, because I know what it is like to be me and not me at the same time, I think I am much more forgiving than people understand. I am also much more open to conversation about it, and not nearly as intimidating as my emotions might project. I can be passionately angry or excited and that seems to scare people, yet I am so often the bridge spanning the gap because I can calm and connect both sides with forgiveness and compassion. Maybe because I know how desperately we all need that. 

Dear Intermountain Neuroscience Institute,

Try me. 

Step out onto this bridge. You have built and prepared your defenses well so you are already anchored with ropes and harnesses. You have the wings and the power to use them, you have the safety nets, emergency parachutes, and life preservers in the event that a bridge is not solid and falls out beneath you. You have nothing to fear except fear itself so stop hiding, stop shaming, and step out. Be what you proclaim and profess to be. 

There are so many people that need someone like you to be the heroes people like you are not being because of irrational fears and misconceptions. Please be the heroes you are meant to be not the cowards and deceivers too many in your positions of power currently are. 

You have nothing to lose 

but all of us have a whole lot to gain.

In the Arms of an Angel

Sometimes still, emotions overwhelm me. I try not to burden my kids with them but I also don't try to hide them and pretend like I am okay. That burdens them in an entirely different way that they don't understand and may blame themselves for. So when I am hit they often see it.
Sometimes we talk about it. And sometimes that is good because they are so sweet, they have insight, and it helps them knowing they are helping someone else.
Today, I was once again hit hard by the realities... and I swear they have hit me a thousand times in a thousand different ways ...leading me to believe I've already got it solved and have worked through all the possible emotions, yet I am still being hit in knew ways even by old revelations. Part of the reason for this is that now I am actually strong enough to see and accept the truths and realities of what was happening and how I was being handled.
Today I had a conversation with my son. I am so sorry and sickened by the feelings I had for a man that broke me and then set me up.
I am sickened by the reality that I was trying to protect him when he was actually doing things to intentionally set me up and make me look bad. When he held all the cards and had all the power he built a fictitious illusion of me and then made sure to document it in my medical records so that later he could accuse me of stalking when I was actually trying to get help while trying to protect him...
My son.
My 14 year old son.
What a beautiful person.
I share a bit of why I am breaking into tears, again, today after having to look through my records in an attempt to get things sorted and fixed -which is proving to be an impossible task because they hold all of the card and they have all of the power.
My son calmly and intelligently tells me about how power hungry and corrupt people can be. He is 14.
We are not overly religious and have stepped back from religion lately. But I am spiritual and I feel concern that I may not be doing a very good job of helping my kids connect with their higher selves, a higher power, and a higher purpose. I mention something about why it is so important to live a Christ centered life, or at least keep him in our hearts.
My son surprises me as he tells me about heaven. He tells me that I will go there automatically because of how I loved and tried to protect those that were causing me harm. He says I have proved myself.
What a beautiful thing to say and the way he did; which was much better then I can and am reiterating. I am so grateful for him. I don't know if he is right and I likely still have plenty of time to progress or digress into either side of my own duality, but on some level I know that he is correct and my very tender heart is taking comfort in knowing that my tenderhearted human peers that have been heartbroken and betrayed by those they love, forgive and try to protect will ultimately find peace and reprieve in the company of the angels that are looking over us and helping us even when we have forgotten them. And in the company of true angels that we already know here, like my son, my daughter, Renée, CP, and so many others...
And today I thank God and Christ for their redeeming grace and for sending Their love to and through my son. And I hope that others may feel that same love coming to and through me because it is meant for them as well.
"Alone we can do so little. Together we can do so much"
-Helen Keller
In the Arms of an Angel - Sarah McLachlan

Ringing Reminders

Sometimes I just wish the ringing in my ear would stop.
Sometimes it does, but only for about 25% of my awake time. I usually can ignore it, but that does not make it go away. I have not been able to associate anything to the times when it stops, like sleep, exercise, etc. it seems to be very random.
And at times when I would like to believe that I am fine and healed, it is like the nagging internal voice of reason constantly reminding me "see, I told you so, I told you there was more going on with your brain than just a concussion."
It annoys me. I want to punch it.
But I'm sure you see why that would not be very helpful.

Isolation

Isolation is really bad for mental health and yet that is exactly how our communities, society, culture and individuals (and even ourselves) seem to respond to people when they are having mental health problems. 
When will we ever learn? Will we ever learn?
The people of Brazil, at least communities we encountered in Rio, handle it differently and it seems to be much more effective and fair:
https://amicrazy2.blogspot.com/2020/02/redefining-crazy.html

Arguing Both sides part 2

I am fighting my brain today.
And my emotions.
This is why I am saying goodbye to arguing both sides. The laws are stacked too heavily in favor of the medical institutions and providers for the way I was treated to ever be okay.
Especially because the reality of my condition was very difficult to manage and the realities of my decreased abilities are extremely difficult to accept.
Limitations that are so discouraging.
Losses I have to grieve.
...
Maybe that is what today is; grieving.
I'm battling my brain...that feels survivor guilt and the realities of limitations and losses.

"Life is Pain" Says the Dread Pirate Roberts, who happens to be Wesley.

Grief is not a straight path. It is never over when we think it is.
But worse than that is the TBI consequences. The reality of mood instability. The new and added difficulties with focussing. The impatience and irritability even when I am not irritable or impatient. The expectations that I just can't meet. How hard it can be to process new information. How reading has become difficult. Aging beyond my years.
"You do require more sleep" and "even something as simple as bonking your head on the refrigerator door will cause you significant problems"
There is great power in knowing. There is validation and hope that comes with proper diagnosis. But I suppose that does not entirely take away the reality of the problems you face and the losses you have to grieve.
And no-one who has not been through it themselves can ever fully understand the powerful, profound, and unfair effects being terminated and discarded by a therapist due to countertransference has on a person., especially when you are experiencing transference. If this is simply how it is  handled then that is terrible, abusive, and the system needs to be changed.
Follow that with what happened to me and, Nope, there is no more arguing for the other side.  Doing so I am not being fair or kind to myself.
I am a victim whether I like it or not... and I do not like it, nor do I want to accept it. But
Justifying and excusing them only further victimizes me. There was no good reason for it, especially since they were paid to help and protect me.
I will be strong again and I will keep fighting.
But today I am grieving.
And giving credit where credit is due. To me and my kids and my husband
and to others that have helped me out of that bottomless abyss.

Keep on Keeping on

Yesterday was an easy rough day.

I had physical therapy for my hand at 8:30 am which meant I had to get up at a reasonable time. That is difficult due to medication. Also I did not get to bed early enough nor did I sleep well enough and that did not help. 

Hand physical therapy is always surprisingly exhausting. The myofascial release techniques that Hand Whisperer uses are especially interesting in how I can feel it in my brain. Often my eyelids and head feel heavy and droopy from it. 

Then I got to talk with a parent of a student I work with. It was a good conversation, nothing stressful. 

After that I took my son to his physical therapy appointment. I have developed a casual friendship with one of the ladies that works there so we chatted for a bit. Then I went for a walk/run, while my son was busy with therapy. 

I have not been running as regularly. Mainly because my hip acts up when I do and it bums me out. But yesterday I ran, tackling some hills and while it did feel good the hip did not like it.

Upon returning to collect my son, his therapist gave me an updated and we chatted about that for a bit.

Then it was home and I had intention to get stuff done. 

However, by then, my head was starting to low hurt which means my brain needed a break. 

I debated on what to do for a brain break to settle my head. I considered a nap because that seems to be the most effective but I really don't want to be so reliant on naps and painting sounded satisfying. Knowing that head aches usually require the more effective break to turn things around most efficiently I figured I'd laid down. But I did not fall asleep instantly so I decided it meant I needed to paint.

Unfortunately the mild headache never went away. 

I managed to get things done, chat with a friend and update a sister over the phone, but the more difficult tasks, once again, went undone. 

This is one of the effects of TBI that really bothers me. I cognitively tire out so quickly. And then it becomes even more difficult to process reading, new information, what people are saying, etc. 

I am extremely lucky that I do not have to work a regular job and that I have been able to take time to heal. I am very grateful for how my husband provides for our family. He has carried us in so many ways lately. I feel bad for those who do not have these same luxuries. Yet, it is still quite disgruntling to be faced with just how much of a deficit I am running on these days and is can make it extremely difficult to find the motivation to keep working towards goals and aspirations especially when your efforts now require so much more effort and yet have gone largely unnoticed, very misunderstood, unsupported, and you feel powerless to make changes where you know they really need to happen.

Sooo... here I am again, blogging it out... Or am I procrastinating?

So much in my head, so much that I know, with nowhere to go with it but here. 

And of course this (the last statement) is not entirely true and I will keep working toward changes I wish to see in this weird wild world that we live in. 

And I will keep hoping I might help others in some small way through my honest blogging of the realities we face as we sort our tragedies and traumas in an effort to gain better psychological health.  

Arguing Both Sides: Part 1 The Magnificent Masterminds of the Medical Malpractice Model

Even still my solving brain continues. I may be slower than I used to be and maybe others have already figured this out from my story but my stable processing brain -that is still trying to figure out what my responsibilities are, how hard I want to keep working to solve in a way that eases my mind and consciences and helps in an overarching way- and my mind that now craves some level of justice [preferably through reform] has recently had an epiphany.

An epiphany, that looks more like a puzzle that is finally coming together to reveal the secret of the whole picture that was hidden in plain sight within all of the small and scattered individual puzzle pieces.

The epiphany that came when I considered writing a letter myself to the attorney that claims to be representing a few of the IHC individuals and the Neuroscience Institute. 

The Epiphany that told me this would be a bad idea 

and here is why:

That lawyer does not care about me. He, very likely, does not care about them either. He most likely cares about his pay check and probably his ego too, and listening to me in a way that will help me (and them) is not in the best interest of his paycheck. Not only that but -and I may be going out on a limb here- I’m guessing he makes more $ the harder he has to work to defend the medical providers he works for. …

… ?!?!!!!

Flashbacks:

•   "I could loose my license because of you," says Dr. He but I do not understand because I know I had done nothing to make that true and I know the threat is not coming from me. He could not loose it because of me unless I pursued some serious actions to make that happen and I had not desire or intention to do that ever. It did not make sense. So my possible fallacy was thinking the threat must be from IHC. After all he had also said "you don't know the other side of things."

• Friend who has been a nurse for IHC for years is explaining their policies and how they are trained, [or conditioned] to handle mistakes if they make them, “If we make a mistake we are not supposed to talk to the person. We have to deny it because of all of the frivolous lawsuits...”

• Another friend who has worked at a non IHC hospital for years, “… they can’t admit they made a mistake and they are especially not allowed to talk to the patient about it if they did because of all the frivolous lawsuits.”
• Others who have repeated similar reports of how they are expected to handle mistakes.
• My discoveries time and time again and being told by attorneys and others about "Torte Reform" and how "the laws are stacked in their favor." Reading the Utah Malpractice Act and seeing just how heavily they really are stacked in their favor and how heavy our politicians have made the Burden of Proof on patients and their families - patients that are already suffering physically and psychologically from conditions that led them to the medical providers in the first place and that the medical providers have then made worse.
• The many conversations with my Attorney friend in which he has explained that there has been significant studies and research that proves there are significantly less lawsuits when doctors admit they made a mistake and work with the patient to correct the problem.
• This information, found here https://www.dkowlaw.com/practice-areas/medical-malpractice, that states:

“The American Association for Justice summarizes the findings from key peer-reviewed sources on the extent of medical malpractice and medical errors:
-Some 440,000 patients die every year from preventable medical errors. [Journal of Patient Safety]
-Preventable medical errors cost our country tens of billions of dollars a year. [Institute of Medicine]
-One in three patients who are admitted to the hospital will experience a medical error. [Health Affairs]
-Studies of wrong site, wrong surgery, wrong patient procedures show that “never events” are happening at an alarming rate of up to 40 times per week in U.S. hospitals. [Archives of Surgery]
-Medical negligence lawsuits amount to just one-half of one percent of all health care costs. [Congressional Budget Office]
-Medical negligence cases represent well under 2 percent of all civil cases. [National Center for State Courts]
-Researchers at Harvard University found that 97 percent of cases were meritorious, concluding, “Portraits of a malpractice system that is stricken with frivolous litigation are overblown.” [New England Journal of Medicine]”  I wonder, of those 3% of non-meritorious lawsuits how many won? And how many of the meritorious medical negligence cases how many of those actually won?

• My thoughts time and time again of, “What exactly have I stumbled onto here?” as the cover ups, mistreatment, and refusals to clarify and talk with me continued despite my best efforts to help them understand I was “just trying to figure out what was going on with my head.”
•  "they are setting you up" pointed out to me, by family members that work within/for two of The Systems.
• The warnings Dr. She has given me about “what they will put you through” coupled with her observations of them and me, and her hope that I am strong enough to fight this battle and to seek justice, but her careful and very limited encouragement for going the "legal route."
• "I have the power to check that box," said by a medical provider as a threat to my friend who had been abused and betrayed and who had already lost so much and not been protected by the Legal System.
• How people are terrified to be on the wrong side of IHC.
• Dr. Tangled, who was, "not afraid to report," until it came right down to it and coincidentally after she "poured over my medical records." It is worth noting that one of her own had also misdiagnosed me, even before the Neuroscience Institute had.
• this article: The Missing Victims of Healthcare Fraud
• https://amicrazy2.blogspot.com/2019/01/my-scarlet-letter.html

...
Sooo many pieces to this perplexing puzzle….

And I see, very clearly, a very significant part of what was and has been happening to the other side of this story that has led to such a debacle of me.

The attorneys. The high powered, best of the best, clever and articulate, well paid attorneys that work for the hospitals and medical powerhouses.

The attorneys that know the Systems and how to work them best of all. The attorneys that know how to debate and know how to cunningly convince people to support their position regardless of right or wrong.

Is it they who have the medical providers eating out of their dirty little palms; seeking protection, from the fallacies of their own thinking that were inception style planted and then nurtured by those sneaky experts who imposingly and imperiously fed those fallacies to them in the first place? Those Medical providers, Now slaves, to their fictitious fears that are fed by the Masters from the fattened flesh of their own ever increasing attorney fabricated fallouts and fallacies.

Maybe I need to state this more clearly.

The attorneys that are paid significant amounts of money to protect medical providers are very likely the same people that train them on “how to protect yourself from malpractice suits,” when there really is no need for this or, at very least, training and policies need to drastically change because the laws are written to the degree of "no need to worry about malpractice suits.” It seems the actual medical providers do not know or understand how well the laws  are stacked so heavily in their favor that a suit against them is virtually impossible for a patient to win no matter how bad, frequent and obvious the malpractice is. Heck, nearly impossible to even find someone to try and represent you for arbitration.
Are their attorneys the the tale spinning masterminds that have your medical experts convinced that patients (you) are the enemy? Are they the reason providers are convinced that we, the patients, are completely unwilling to forgive or be reasonable in addressing mistakes when they are made? Are they the reasons practitioners and providers refuse to see or accept that they made a mistake? That last one may be sheer doctor ego, but I am guessing there is plenty artificial ego soothing and stroking done by their attorneys to keep them confident in their continued progression down the malpractice path.

I am certain they are The Ones that our providers consult when they have made a mistake. SO what advice do YOU think these Legal Experts are giving to our highly valued, beloved, and trusted providers that may have made a mistake with you?

Hmmm, When do they make money? When do they make the most? Whose best interest do they have in mind?

As long as your medical provider continues down the path of malpractice their attorneys keep getting paid. AND (my guess) the bigger, worse, or more obvious the malpractice is, the more the doctor will need the lawyer and the more $ the lawyer will make. I am sure it also strokes the egos of many to be able to say they won in an obvious case of malpractice. 

Plus IHC has the funds to outlast most of us in a court of law. 

Do you really think they are being given "legal advice" that is in the "best interest" of the patient or even in the best interest of the institution or medical providers that are currently so disproportionately protected by the laws?

So maybe, there was some innocence to my beloved betrayers after all? Maybe the manipulations were more significant elsewhere? 

And maybe our doctors are being indoctrinated to believe some very wrong and very harmful things about us, their patients, just so attorneys can collect the big bucks by preying on fears and fallacies that they, the attorneys, planted and then nurture.

Arguing Both sides: The other side part Intro

If you are following you know that I had a moment where I thought not to argue both sides, however I have learned so much through this wild ride that I would like to fully share what I have learned because I think it important for people to work together instead of against each other as much as we possibly can. I believe it a core value of mine and it is what I was trying for the entire time I was being malpractice on.
So I will argue both sides, which is really an understatement because there are likely far more than two sides to this story which may just be why it became so convoluted when both sides were trying to find a simple or overly simplified solution to a multifaceted problem that is far bigger than just me and my problems.
In other words: this arguing both sides will likely need to be a series (or a book because) there really are so many factors effecting both sides.
To start I would like to state, for the record, I want it to be clearly understood that I know my medical providers made mistakes with me. And not just one, but many.
I believe the providers at the Neuroscience Institute made the biggest and most dangerous mistakes and part of that is because they are considered the experts in the field, at very least they claim to be experts on concussion. Also they have all the providers I really needed there, but they did not refer me to the neurologist there. This is kind of a big deal. Especially with TBI and what I was experiencing and especially as I started manifesting even more significant evidence of possible misdiagnosis or under-diagnosis.
It is clear and their is sufficient evidence that they made mistakes early on and they made mistakes multiple times. Dr. Concussion made significant mistakes and Dr. He made significant mistakes. I first  did not think it, then I suspected it, then I came to know it. BUT even once I understood that they had in fact misdiagnosed me and made significant mistakes, I  did not feel or want either of them to loose their license or be punished for those early mistakes.
However, after going through what I have it would not be unreasonable, and honestly I believe they probably should, loose their licenses for how I was handled and treated as a result of their mistakes. I believe the entire facility should loose their licenses and credentials for continuing with malpractice, perpetuating numerous forms of harm, and working to cover things up and even to set me up to appear to be things I was not (like stalking), at any cost to me, all in the name of "protecting" themselves, which was never needed. Especially considering their positions of power over me,  how heavily the laws are stacked in their favor,  how they held all of the cards, AND especially considering how very vulnerable I was. 
The only person that needed protection was me.
The only institution that needed protection was my family.
But we did not matter.
....Now you might be thinking, "this does not seem like arguing the other side" and you are correct, so far I am not. In fact my emotions are starting to rise again as I try to reiterate what I tried to tell them a million times, that I had no interest in hiring a lawyer, I was not trying to get anyone into trouble, but that I was just trying to figure out what was going on with my head.
And I will be honest it is very difficult for me to argue the other side devoid of emotion. I will also be honest and tell you that when I try to, as I am now, I find the anger surge because the injustices are so clearly wrong and even so simplistically stupid that it becomes infuriating that these intelligent doctors and professionals are so indoctrinated in their fallacies and errors of thinking that they would act so malevolently toward a person as broken and vulnerable as I was.
Flashback: "I am okay with being wrong," he tells me after I proclaim rather cheerily "I think you are wrong." Myself referring to how things were ending as he was terminating and I was leaving, once again mistakenly empowered by his eluding to countertransference and the dismissing of mania. I did not fully understand what he was wrong about or how wrong he really was, but I knew something was wrong and I knew he was wrong about me in some way. The super powers of mania really are quite spectacular and real to some extent -which is part of why it can be so difficult for people who have experienced it to loose those and be okay with letting them go.
Flash forward again:  He was and is clearly wrong and it is not okay or fair to be so wrong about me and then spread those errors to a damaging and defamatory degree all while I really was dealing with so many things like PSTD, mania, and a physically broken brain.
... derailed now, I will confess in my effort to once again give them some sort of benefit of the doubt and show how the corrections could easily be made it is hard not to become triggered, to feel superior, or to loose increasing faith in humanity because they absolutely and stubbornly with no regard for me (their former patient, ally and advocate, even their former number one fan) refuse to even discuss the matter with me.
Sooo it seems, my first attempt to argue the other side, turned into something else. I do hope you can see and understand why. But staying true to letting it be, the processing, even when not so pretty, and rather honest and raw, I will let this be... and call it my Intro.

Inception - A Movie Review

A little while back my daughter wanted me to watch the movie  Inception with her. It’s been awhile and I’d forgotten that I had seen it before.
It’s an interesting concept; breaking into people’s brains to retrieve memories and information. There is a lot I could say about the movie but I’m going to keep this short.
My favorite observation about this move is how they plant the idea and convince the audience that the inception of ideas that can lead to desired outcomes (or different outcomes) is difficult. The creators of this move flatter their audiences into believing that humans are not so easily swayed and manipulated, which then makes their influence that much more powerful while being less detectable.
It’s very fascinating to me how easily influenced and deceived people are all the while believing that it’s their own unique thoughts, or that their perception is entirely their own and cannot be not easily changes.
From what I’ve observed it seems, if people are not aware of how fallible their thoughts and brains can be than their brains are much more easily influenced by others. And more often than not they are easily influenced by people who are looking to gain some form of power or control. Or money.
Inception is Hollywood’s super power.
And lawyers. They are very good at influencing people through the inception of ideas that greatly benefit them.

Back on Track

Back on track.
I really appreciate how I am able to get back on track so much more easily now. I am grateful and happy to say that it is much easier to turn my thinking around.
Today I had a follow up with psychiatric PA. It has been three "inadvertent" months, and I was happy to report that I am good and have been good. It was a bit bitter sweet though  because, I'll admit ,I have kind of missed seeing her so regularly. So while it is good I don't need to see her so frequently I am also sad I don't get to see her more frequently.
And even this makes me happy because I am just that, happy.
I take hits and I have found myself awkwardly responding to gestures of friendship, evidence of just how much I have been scarred by friends through this journey of mine. It surprises me because I think I am "recovered" only to find that I don't know how to have friends anymore.
Oh well.
I'll keep working on it.
And this is really why I am coming on here today at all, because my anger and hurt that fueled my triggered processing the other day threatened to isolate me again by allowing the pain of those that have been not so kind, not so fair, and not so available (at all) to override all the good that I have experienced from people.
I will be honest and say that the overwhelming response has been generally apathetic when I really did need help and support and some of the things people have said and done and ways I have been treated have been really shocking, but that (and they) matter far less than those that have helped.
Like my psychiatric PA. I am so grateful for her.
As part of her assessments she asked about things I am already forgetting about, like the suicidal thoughts. It felt so good to report that they are pretty much gone and I didn't even cry when I noted that occasionally they will try to gain an audience but they yield no power anymore.
I did, however, tear up as we talked about how I was before. It has been almost a year since I started seeing her. She comments on how she cannot believe they expected me and left me to try and schedule all these appointments on my own when I was in the mental state I was in and considering TBI. (they being those pesky previous providers at the Neuroscience Institute and even other doctors that I did not and do not think are pesky). She felt they should have done the type of referrals where the new facility or doctor calls you to schedule. They absolutely should have.
PA is impressed that I managed. I remember Dr. She saying something similar at a much earlier stage in our relationship; she said she was surprised and impressed that I would even return to a therapist at all.
With PA, I tear up when I once again realize that she and Dr. She very literally saved my life.
It is surprising and some will think that it means something like, "well maybe it wasn't really that bad," to which I will say, please remember I loved and trusted the people at the Neuroscience Institute and I wanted nothing more than to have things reconciled and to have them work with me to understand what the hell was going on with my head, and this is exactly why it was sooo bad, how they treated and betrayed me, but the real cold hard truth of the matter is I was in the most difficult and bizarre fight for my life and I was determined not to give up. I wanted to be better. I wanted to live. I knew that what I was experiencing was not right and my brain and body were fading and they were fading bad. It was progressing rather quickly and I did not have much time left. I was loosing ground. I would not have lasted much longer. Plain and simple.
I don't know how it would have ended. I really have no idea. But my light was dying, my energy was fading, insanity or whatever it was, was winning and I was dying.
I knew that. And I know that. And that is the only reason why I somehow managed to get those appointments set and to get there. People have no idea how hard it really was just to find the courage to call.
But those realities, and that truth, when your life is hanging in the limbs, that keeps you fighting harder than you really are capable of. If my state of health had not been as bad as it really was, I would not have done any of it. I very well might have turned bitter and jaded. I may have deteriorated more slowly. I don't know but I am confident that one of the great ironies or paradoxes of my situation was that I had to fight harder then I was capable of in oder to save my self.
And back to,
the following through
with giving credit where credit is due:
It was also likely due to the few who showed concern at all that I was able to keep at it. My kids. My husband. My aunt and uncle who were the only people to respond to my facebook plea, after my ankle surgery, when I said I needed visitors. My physical therapist, Doug, and a few people I had the pleasure to interact with there. My friend CP who, when I told her I was hurt but that I knew it was likely because I was extra sensitive to rejection at that time, she apologized and asked me what was going on. She made sure she was extra sensitive to me. My sister who, despite some misunderstandings, kept occasionally checking on me and actually asked how I was doing. Another sister who, though she is far and forgets often, actually called the patient advocate and tried to help me. Bob, who kept checking up on my blog and actually checked in on me occasionally, a few others I worked with, that have been continuously kind. My boss at the new job I had (and had to leave) at the time I was fading that kept believing in me in so many little ways. People on Quora that appreciated my answers and insight.
This is how I am a success, I appreciate the little things and see the good even when I am hurting and fading. I keep working to come back to those. And it gets easier and easier. Now I am getting better at letting go of "bad" friends and people who are not so healthy to be around. I can still hurt but I know it is not me and I don't have to accept being treated as second class.
So back to being a success story is fine by me.
A success because I define mine based on my own core values and realistic expectations.
To me I am a success if I can find joy and magic in life and if I can help others in some small way.
So I am a success pretty much everyday now. 😁 And I thank you for helping me by reading me.

Breaking, We all eventually do. Even You

So today has been rough as more harsh realities, that far too many people face, are hitting again.
I have people making me wrong again to ease their burden of conscience. I am getting very tired of that common and tragic human trait.
I am trying to gauge if some of the issues may be due to a pendulum swing in me. I am determined to be patient and kind to myself. I know I at least deserve that.
I think about being triggered yesterday and I think my emotions may be a bit heightened still from that. I have thought to delete, or "revert to draft," my post from yesterday. But I think I need to leave it to be true to the reality of wretched parts of this processing and progressing business.
I am entitled to have bad moments. My brain has to work extra hard at impulse control anyway soo I may have allowed it to not-have-to work so hard at it yesterday.
I did edit the facebook post and took off the link to the blog post... because I really do understand the harsh realities of judgments I will not escape.
As my pendulum swings, I may be too blunt and even without meaning to I am often calling people out on their shit so I probably do that too much.
Sigh...
sigh...
sigh...
I have learned so very much through this process and the harsh realities of life really are so harsh. I remember reading Viktor Frankls book and thinking, "but people are still just like this, only they mask it with their professions" and it is very disturbing.
People go along with abuse all of the time, people don't stand up or speak out when bad things are happening and the people in positions of power far too often do not care about anything other then themselves, money and power. It is very often how they got there. It sounds so cliche and we don't want to believe it but I am seeing it again and again. If you do not have significant wealth or influence you will never win no matter how wrongly you were treated and people will jump right on the bandwagon of perpetuating harm often simply because they want to align themselves with wealth and power.
I think I don't relate very well to this and it seems to cause me a lot of problems.
So when that one guy said, "I am okay with being wrong," I mostly interpreted based on my own perspective and my own innate character which is why I thought he meant something similar to things I have said about being okay with being wrong.
When I have said things like this I meant that it is okay to make mistakes and not beat yourself up over it. I have also said it in the form of, "I would rather say it and be wrong than not say it and be right," in attempt to help others from befalling a negative circumstance. Like warning others about a potential scam or like when I called my ex-brother-in-law out on his abuses and manipulations of my family member. I was right and my speaking up made a difference multiple times. I was okay with being wrong because helping someone else was more important than being comfortably right in my silence.
Renée, my sweet petite guardian angle, has said it so many times because she has lived it and seen it occurring so ridiculously frequently with TBI survivors, that "they [those who did not endure the tragedy] can't handle it [their own pain, your observations, the truth etc.] so they have to make you wrong."
Today, as I repeated what she has taught me about how people "have to make you wrong" Dr. He's words, "I am okay with being wrong," came back into my mind and I realized that he and I were not on the same page in the use of these words. Now I understood what he most likely meant - a thing that I just don't relate well enough to in order to have picked up on the very real threat he was making- that he would make me wrong, that he was okay with making mistakes and would do everything in his power to hide and cover those if he felt they threatened him and his livelihood in any way.
It seems that he meant something completely opposite of what I have used that phrase for.

Yin and Yang.
It is often so hard to see what we don't relate to.

...and I guess I do it too.
but probably far less than you do
because my brain has been cracked open
and so have I;
broken by
the realities of insanity.
I at least know the limitations of my stability
and the delusions of my illusions
Do you?
Not many do
when lateral, efficient, undisturbed, un-traumatized thinking has always worked for them.
It's a neuroplasticity thing, you wouldn't understand
...but you can learn too 😀

And I sincerely hope you do
Because someday you will break too.
Pray it does not get the best of you
because the breakings often do.
It even has a name
We call it Death.


And now I am going to make cookies
because it has been one of those days

...and I am learning
as I continue to work on changing my negative core perceptions of myself