Covert Narcissists

 I have made some new friends through this very bizarre journey. Friends that are far away and friends that I have not met in person, but friends non-the-less. 

Some have uncanny similarities to my malpractice situation that are shocking and appalling. One such friend mentioned covert narcissism to me. This friend wonders if my ex-therapist, Dr. He, might be a covert narcissist... I know enough about narcissism but I am not super familiar with the term "covert narcissist." I can assume a general idea. At friend's suggestion I look up the term and find this article: covert-narcissist  . I immediately find myself laughing out loud at this:

 "Covert narcissist is a term to describe a person who has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) but does not display the grandiose sense of self-importance that psychologists associate with the condition. They may appear shy or modest."

 ...because it fits so well right off the bat. 

Now, I really don't know if Dr. He is a diagnosable narcissist but so much of the article really does fit. His voice starts replaying: 

"I told you not to try and solve this." 

"You only see what I allow you to see."

"I don't care about the problems on the other side of the world."

"I don't believe in forever anymore."

"You wanted the best," he teases when I go back to him and ask him to be my therapist.

"I don't do well with blurred boundaries." An attempt to blame me for the boundaries he blurred?

"I've tested your brain in ways you don't even know." 

"This is gold."

"You don't know the other side of things."

"I'm going to let it burn out and I suggest you do the same."

"We don't want to encourage dependance" said with apathy as I tried to answer how I felt about him "breaking up with me." Barely able to eke out through my tears that I was "not sure if I am going miss talking to you, or if I am just not ready to go it alone." 

His apathy as he wrote "mourn losses" and flatly suggested, "you are going to have to mourn that loss," in response to my concern that I may not be able to return to teaching. 

... and other things. 

Back to the article. 

I read this: "The term comes from the Ancient Greek myth of Narcissus, a young man who fell in love with his reflection."

I remember this story but as I read this a plethora of puzzle pieces light up in my brain.... mirrored masks, projection, reflection, deflection, transference, countertransference, "It was never about you," (said by Dr. She) I needed to learn to love myself, His words: "only what I allow you to see" "you wanted the best" "because of how easily we connected" "my life is very complex" "I connect easily with people but it's never been a sexual thing" "blurred boundaries" "you love me?" "why are you a stalker?"...  my attempts to clarify that were not received. The accusations that I behaved "inappropriately" and of twisting words. The continued assumption that I was there pursuing him when I was not... the slander and defamation in my records, the denials of all mistakes and the unwillingness to even apologize. The lie "I would always want to protect you." and even his death sentence of "I will never have anything to do with your outside of therapy because I could see myself falling in love with you." 

He was in love with his own reflection. 

Not with me. 

Nor I with he? That is a question... I know and openly admit that part of my transference was learning to love myself through loving him. So he was a mirror for me. Therapists often are. So I know that some of what I loved about him was simply my own reflection. It was how I was learning to love and accept myself. 

So was I the Narcissus in this story? Was he? Or were we both? 

I was trying to protect him even at expense to me. ...And my heart hurt, until I was back to him. I asked Dr. She about this: Why it was? How this was possible? 

"because you did genuinely care for him," she tells me. 

The article suggests, "Anyone can behave in a narcissistic way at times. However, someone who displays highly narcissistic traits consistently across all situations may have NPD." So I think I am not likely a narcissist and I most certainly did not behave narcissistically in my trusting them, loving them, forgiving them, and asking for their help, clarification, and expertise with figuring out was going on with my head. 

But what about Dr. He?

Is he a covert narcissist?

OR

Does the industry create covert narcissists? Do the rules, attitudes, and current policies turn good people, good therapists, into covert narcissists? 

Or was I lucky enough to find a man who already was and has found his perfect place to play and practice, to exercise his dominance and superior intellect?