Time to blah blah blog again. Vomit. Of mental processing and emotions.
Vomit because that is what I feel like doing whenever I go back and read My Self Discovery Report, written in the days of my manic probation...
I want to vomit because I was sick. Literally sick. Broken brain in more ways than none as my previous diagnosis suggested. Broken and crying for help again and again while my symptoms were being disregarded, dismissed, downplayed, and ignored all because Dr. He, the man who either caused it, contributed to it, and/or (at very least) should have caught it and helped me get appropriate help and care, was worried about covering his ass because he had made mistakes and/or he just might be a grooming psychologist. At very least, "he played with fire" according to most, if not all, of the professionals I have spoken with since.
He plays with his patients.
and the result is shit like this taken from My Self Discovery Report, written on 11/20/2018:
"7:36 am: I had to take olanzapine. Because this surging of chemistry is becoming too much to bare and I am feeling as though we are either a deeply connected soul mates who will only suffer if we deny the connection or that I am truly mentally ill, on the verge of a break, and I am working hard to keep it in check."
Can you see why I feel like vomiting? Can you see Why it is so damn disturbing that they dismissed and denied the mania?
I even tried to share these insane processings with him. I had it all printed so he would not miss it. I had sent emails because I needed it to not be missed.
This kind of breaking is hard to manage PERIOD. Imagine then if the professionals, the ones who are trained to know, are telling you that you did not break, you were not manic... then that means they are saying that intensely deep connection is real...>insert vomiting emoji<
It is no surprise to me that Lori Vallow Daybell went crazy enough to do, and be party to, all the insane things she did after she was documented to be "just fine" by the psychologist that evaluated her after her ex-husband fought to have her evaluated. The ex husband -who she later had her brother kill- the brother who then later died of a "heart attack" though he was in his thirties. No doubt she was diagnosed as "fine" because the assessing providers do not recognize their own bias and ignorance.
Our providers need to stop with their stigmatizing and biases. Smart, attractive people can become mentally ill. Mental illness is not exclusive nor is it a respecter of status, intelligence, success, etc. And people who have mental illnesses are not immediately, obviously, or completely out of control. We can manage through a lot and for a very long time. But beware of what is being fed in the mentally ill mind. With stigmas, prejudice, judgements and misconceptions being what they are, more often than not the immortal manic minds are being fed an overwhelmingly negative and detrimental diet of ideas and treatments.
...sigh...
And I will expose what I was, because what I was, was not okay but striving to be... and doing so with a whole lot of opposition and outright betrayal from those that had been sanctioned to be my champions!
Maybe I am more intelligent than doctors and maybe I actually know better than they do.... At very least I deserve to be commended because I actually made it through that shit!
Without any suicide attempts
or hospitalizations
and family still in tact.
No small feat, thank you very much!
In all honesty and humility, I find the statement from my writings extremely embarrassing and I would rather keep that sh*# hidden, but I am not going to. I am rebelling and I am speaking out, because this kind of crap, that I endured, I am learning more and more is FAR TOO COMMON and happening to sweet and tender people that have endured far worse than I have. And that is NOT OKAY.
I will not hide. I will not be quiet about it. I will keep getting back up and I will keep speaking. I will work and I will fight and I will not quit until real changes that actually help and protect patients happen.
I will keep working to be the change I wish to see in the world.
No comments:
Post a Comment