When I was in jr. high and high school the last day was yearbook signing. You would pass your yearbook around and people would write nice things and sign their name. I am not sure if this is still a thing. I wish it were everywhere the way it was in my high school, because then, if ever you need a reminder of who you really are, you can go back to your high school yearbook and read what people wrote about you.
I don't know how I ever became as broken as I was when so many great people liked me as well as they did in high school.
"I love to talk to you because you are so thoughtful and sincere," were the exact words from one casual friend but also a common theme in many of the comments.
I am grateful for those friends and classmates.
I was also told, by boys, that I was attractive more times than I ever would have guessed... And this makes me also wonder why my perceptions of my attractiveness were so low.
Perceptions are weird. And how we perceive ourselves can be so distorted by so many factors. How we perceive others can also be.
...and maybe this is a segue into the thoughts I have had about TBI and the silver linings of it...
"You are very intuitive," says Dr. He, and I am, but I don't think he fully understood what was happening and why.
The very condition that brought me to him is what is catching him in his games, deception and/or the mistakes of a broken man who has lost objectivity.
I am intelligent. I always have been. I have really good genes for intellect. In elementary school I was invited to be in a "gifted and talented" class for accelerated learners. I felt like it was a good thing for me because school was very easy and I was rarely challenged in the regular classroom. The program I attended was from 4th to 6th grade, after that we were are dispersed back into our regular boundary junior high schools.
Midway through my 7th grade year is when I took that first blow to my head. The one that we know bled about the size of a quarter on the left side as seen by CT scan.
The rest of that school year I struggled in school. Truthfully, I was a bit too out of it to even know that I was struggling. However I do know school most certainly became more challenging in ways and more than I realized then. However, since I still had above average intelligence, after that school year, people did not catch on to my issues and I was not given any form of added assistance. I had to figure out a lot of things on my own. Good thing I am smart.
Actually I am not sure what it is in me that helped me figure things out as well as I did on my own but according to the documented observations of my peers as found in my yearbooks, I was "determined." Which is so cool that they noticed that about me because I didn't. It is just how I was. I also earned the nickname of Tenacious at one point, so I must have been.
So being determined and tenacious I learned some pretty good tricks and one of those was intuition.
A theory: After TBI my brain did not work the same. It couldn't since part of it was gone. So I had to adapt and my brain had to find and establish new neuro-pathways. I believe intuition was one of those. I often could not remember what I needed when I needed it -like on tests- but I found that if I relaxed my mind and went with my gut, more often than not I would get the correct answer. So even though I could not recall the information the same I could trust my intuition to help me. I am not sure when exactly it clicked but it is something that I realized and then utilized. And I still do.
Another silver lining to my broken brain:
Remember that I have said, "I know what it is like to be me and not me at the same time" And that TBI has effected mood stability.
I also learned from sources like the book, "A Parents Guide to Gifted Children" that highly intelligent people can be more sensitive to nuances and injustices. I was in that boat even before the TBI.
Add that to TBI locations that effect mood stability, language recall, impulse control, and other such things, and you get a person who can be rather psychologically sensitive.
I'll try to explain.
We are all influenced by our surroundings and situations. We are influenced by all that we are exposed and subjected to. Whether it be school, television, family, whatever. Sometimes we call it "culture" sometimes we call it "entertainment" or "religion" etc. Sometimes we want to believe that we are not effected at all. But I am effected much more obviously due to those areas of my brain being damaged. Thus my polarity is much more obvious. I also have a healthy imagination and I may be a bit of a visionary idealist. So when I watch a feel good movie I can be moved to mania, or rather hypo-mania. And if I am subjected to bad things it is very clear, very fast, how bad they really are because of how they effect me. My mind and body will rebel and repel and/or I will go dark real fast. It is then very easy for me to see that things like pornography are not just wrong but evil.
Because I have to be so much more careful about what I allow in, in order to maintain balance, I actually have a huge advantage to understanding and knowing when external things are out of balance and unhealthy.
-I believe this is why I am so frequently regarded as perceptive and intuitive. -
It is much easier for me to avoid "slippery slopes" and the sneaky subliminals that we are bombarded with everyday. Ulterior motives, smoke in the glass, contradictions, hypocrisies, and conspiracies become much easier to spot simply because of how my body very obviously responds. I'll spot them and point them out before I even know I am.
Yet, because I know what it is like to be me and not me at the same time, I think I am much more forgiving than people understand. I am also much more open to conversation about it, and not nearly as intimidating as my emotions might project. I can be passionately angry or excited and that seems to scare people, yet I am so often the bridge spanning the gap because I can calm and connect both sides with forgiveness and compassion. Maybe because I know how desperately we all need that.
Dear Intermountain Neuroscience Institute,
Try me.
Step out onto this bridge. You have built and prepared your defenses well so you are already anchored with ropes and harnesses. You have the wings and the power to use them, you have the safety nets, emergency parachutes, and life preservers in the event that a bridge is not solid and falls out beneath you. You have nothing to fear except fear itself so stop hiding, stop shaming, and step out. Be what you proclaim and profess to be.
There are so many people that need someone like you to be the heroes people like you are not being because of irrational fears and misconceptions. Please be the heroes you are meant to be not the cowards and deceivers too many in your positions of power currently are.
You have nothing to lose
but all of us have a whole lot to gain.
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