Celebrating The Long Lonely Highway

I wrote this post while driving on Sunday 8/23:

"A lot can happen in a year." 
This is what I am thinking about as we are driving home from Saint George.
As I am contently riding with my husband, two kids, and the dog along the long lonely highway I am reminded of the drive I did alone, from Saint George to Provo for the Brain Injury Alliance Conference almost one year ago. As we pass a particular exit, I remember how I had to pull off and pull over to prevent my foot from turning into lead

in an effort to quiet the noise that was in my head.

…I remember, in desperation, knowing that I was not safe in that moment that I had to do something. But aside from pulling over, I didn’t know what to do. I turned off the car and got out of the sleek silver bullet -weapon of self-destruction- I was no longer safe enough to be operating. Tears streaming, I started walking away and into the hills of cedar and sage.

Now, as we drive pass that spot I tear up a bit as I remember this and I recognize just how far I have come. My heart swells and the tears well up higher as I remember CP’s sweet and sincere response to me as I walked through the shrubs talking with her on the phone. It was a wise decision, to phone a friend, and I feel especially blessed to have a friend like CP who knows me well enough and loves me enough to respond with so much love and such sincere concern.

She talked me down and she reigned me in. She reminded me of who I really am and that I matter. She loved me enough to know that I was in real trouble and stayed with me for as long as I needed.
Which, ironically, is always so much less time than one might expect when the love and concern is sincere.
…and I am in full tears now as I remember this and as I am so keenly aware of how far I have come and how well I am doing now.

I am so very grateful
That I am here
Alive and well
And So eternally grateful
For all the beautiful angels that have helped me get here:
CP
Dr. She
Psychiatric PA
My husband
My kids
My sister
Another sister
Physical Therapist Doug
Renee
Oriant Coach J
CS from Quora
Neighbor friend J
A few other neighbors
Neighbor friend’s mother-in-law
Bob
M
R
D
Ski friends
Little angels here and there

And I am meeting more.
…And myself. I need to credit myself as well because, as Dr. She has pointed out, I never gave up, I kept trying and working to find the right help very much on my own when I should not have been left alone with that task… and she is right, I did save my own live by doing this. I loved me enough to keep fighting for me even when I was losing me and losing with me. That is why I needed to find and recruit others, I was losing against me and I needed back up.
And that is how it works 

that is how you win in the fight against Suicide.
You keep fighting and you get back up.
That is how you beat mania and the crashes that follows.
You keep fighting and you find the right help.
And that is how you get ahead of your TBI
You keep going, you keep trying, and you find the people you need to help you figure it out

…and if the first group fails you or, even worse, betrays you,
you keep trying, you keep fighting, you keep getting back up and
You do it all again… and again 
Choosing to trust again even when you don’t
…Maybe this time trusting yourself more than those that you are entrusting yourself with, and trusting a bit more carefully, but choosing to trust none-the-less.

And I would end there but I feel it so important to point out that the first and critical ingredient needed for this recipe of success is: recognizing that suicidal thoughts are a symptom -not the problem nor the solution, but a symptom.

Once you recognize suicidal thoughts, feelings, ideations, surges, short circuits, or however it is manifesting, as a symptom, then you can start getting to the bottom of what is causing the symptom and what you can do to change the underlying problems.