Nagging Dilemmas

 I have this ever present nagging dilemma... Sometimes it causes real pain in my heart; it physically hurts. Other times it causes a pit in my stomach with an ever so slight nauseous feeling. While others times it is a knot in my throat. It can make my head feel heavy and tired. Sometimes this dilemma causes all of these.

"I need to report..."

but truth be told, I still don't want to...

and that is when I start to feel all of those feelings... as tears well up... 

Tenacious

I am rather tenacious in my faith and confidence in people. 

And I felt things. I know things. About that man that I know I need to report. 

Why do I need to report? Because he crossed boundaries, he absolutely did play with me when I was very vulnerable and trusting him to help and care for me, when I was reliant on him and paying for his services. He has lied about what happened and my condition. He missed and/or intentionally dismissed very serious conditions (mania and even TBI) to cover up his mistakes and/or deviance. He said things and there is evidence that implies that he has done things like this before. He knew too well how to protect himself from his deviance. He was suggestive in a scenario where he absolutely should not have been. He planted ideas and then he set things up to make me look bad. He was slanderous. He lied about me saying that I behaved inappropriately... and other lies... He blamed me for his boundary violations and deviance and when I was in a very child like position with him. He will go to any length, no matter the cost to me, to cover up what happened. 

All these things.. You would think it would not be hard to report him. Clearly I need too.... Cleary I have a duty to especially since that is the path they pushed me down and I was even told to... I was told to, but then repeatedly punished for doing it by himself and his institution. That is important. I was told to and then severely punished for doing so. Even though I tried to do so in a way that would not cause any harm to him or any of them. I tried to explain every time that I was just trying to figure out what was going on with my head... Only to have the manic fed fantasy reinforced with denials and dismissals of the reality of my physiology and conditions.  

SO why the hell is this so hard to report?...

...Because (and here is where I want to verbally chastise myself but I will try to refrain) I still genuinely care for the bastard. I still see the good in him and potential. Because I know that if he would be open to it he and I could help each other in profoundly powerful ways that could then be used to help other TBI survivors ...and possibly help transform how transference is understood and how countertransference is so poorly handled across the board in the US. I am the expert from the other side of the couch that validates his career and life's work AND some talents and skills he has that TBI survivors need. Skills I know he has that others (maybe even including himself) likely don't fully understand the value of, and why they are are so valuable specifically and especially for TBI survivors. 

Because I know [or believe] that working things out directly with him would be far more beneficial (to at very least me) than reporting and going through all that nonsense which may just result in creating a better liar of this man who then would know the degree to which he can get away with his games and using of patients for his own self-serving purposes. 

... there is more

More in me that is resistant to reporting... Maybe not more but rather extensions of what I have explained. Tenacious hopes and desires to reconcile and work with the man I thought he was... But with the intensity of what was, and what was not, cleared up through the simplicity of reality (specifically referring to the transference and countertransference that were manic fed) 

...Resistant to report because then all potential is surely lost forever... 

Which in reality, everyone else seems to know clearly already is...

Due to their pride, ego's, arrogance, and irrational fears?

And yet I hold out with idealistic hope... Praying for an alternative... 

When I know, considering how it was all handled and the very clear misdiagnosing and malpractice, I need to report...

to the governing bodies whom they work for and with whom they pay their licensing fees to

... that don't give a shit about no-name nobodies like me... So I guess there is that too. I have lost a lot, if not all, faith in the institutions and organizations who claim to be there to protect us and hold accountable those in power... who pay their wages and govern their boards... 

But then their is also the recognition of their accusations and the level to which they are willing to take their lies... and I know I probably need to report to protect myself from them and their fraudulent accusations against me... They threatened me with legal and criminal actions... Using false allegations and accusations and scenarios they have carefully set up to make them appear real to some degree. Traps I walked into again and again, loving them, trusting them...needing them. 

As badly has they have handled and treated me you would think reporting would be easy.  And that is the deep psychology that is most intriguing and most unsettling... 

Sigh...

and the dilemma...

the nauseating, heart crushing, weighty burden...

 the ever present nagging dilemma...

"you should have seen me before head injury," I joke as he tells me, according to his testing of me, I am still "one smart cookie" and [he thinks] I have not lost any intelligence from the TBI's. 

A broken brain that is still intelligent. A blessing and a curse. 

...And so much potential to help others, if only they would open their eyes and get over their irrational fears.