To solve or not to solve... there really is no question

 To solve?

Or not to solve?

That is the question.

And yet I think I lack the ability to to not to and probably that stems from the silly little fact that I would not have survived if I had chosen not to. 

Too much is happening in a brain that is damaged and whose chemistry is so far out of whack and I am confident that, if what I was experiencing was bipolar, than bipolar is terminal if left untreated. 

Your body just cannot sustain.

and I am so very curious about it now and curious about how it ties to TBI. So curious about what was happening to me because something very strange was happening that I am certain science has got to be able to account for. 

by-the-way

So far I have been correct on that and here is some further evidence form Oxford Academics, Brain; A Journal on Neurology: "Manic changes are related to changes in the frontal cortex"  

I will confess I have not read the entire study but I read enough to know that they found a of reduction in grey brain matter in the prefrontal cortex of patients who had experienced manic episode(s) in comparison to those who had not. All patients tested had been diagnosed with bipolar and they did an initial MRI and then one somewhere around 6 years later. Some had had manic episodes and some had not. The reduction in grey matter was only observed in patients who had had manic episodes. It was not observed in those who had not. 

Hmmm, maybe this is why Psychiatric PA said mania is hard on your brain? 

And here is the very important, fascinating and also devastatingly sad part of this: Dr. Sweet (new neurologist) reviewed my MRI image with me at my last appointment I had with her a couple of weeks ago and the area we were looking at that had a decrease in grey matter matches the area/images of that study... The biggest difference, to my understanding, is that the patients in the study had it more uniform across the two hemispheres, right and left lobe. 

Now we do know that correlation does not equate to causation so it could mean something like mania in these patient caused the damage/changes. Or it could mean something like some forms of bipolar are degenerative and lead to a decrease/deterioration of the brain in that specific area which then leads to more manic episodes. Or their could be alternative explanations and other variables causing or contributing, some that I considered (ie. medication) the study factored in and suggests are highly unlikely to be the cause. But what we do know: mania can be positively tied to damage in that portion of the brain. That same portion that I have damage to. 

So what does this suggest to you? 

To me it suggests that initial insult was likely due to auto accident injury, and that location of injury made me much more susceptible to have a manic reaction/episode... I am also fairly certain that some the intense fight flight surging of chemicals that go along with mania are linked to the limbic and nervous systems- specifically the ANS. We also know the stress and other factors can trigger a manic episode. Thus it is evidently conclusive (to me) that my trying to solve really was literally necessary to save my brain and in turn my life from the harm that was (if not caused at very least) perpetuated and very likely worsened and exacerbated by the negligent and indifferent Intermountain Neuroscience Institute who absolutely should have caught and treated these injuries and ailments. They are, after all, The Neuroscience Institute. 

And even Dr. Reddy suggested it had been a "perfect storm" scenario. 

They could and probably should be utilizing me as a case study 

but alas doctors sure do hate when their patients turn out to be smarter than they are. ESPECIALLY when they have brain damage. 

...Is that possibly all this boils down to, they can't handle being wrong to, and corrected, by a person with brain damage?

Ah, living the glorious life of a TBI survivor. When we need people the most we are ostracized the most and when we manage well we are discredited, bullied and shamed by those who claim to be the experts. Tautology; the ever-present naysayer dictating our diagnosis, prognosis, and relationships. 

Even still

Dear Intermountain Neuroscience Institute,

 The offer is still on the table: use me as a case study because if you are what you profess to be. I could help you help so many people. Because that is what really matters and that is what is really important. 

.... insert sad sigh from the fading hope of the altruist in me.