I am just feeling a bit emotional... for whatever reason. And I feel like writing it out. freefloww whatever comes out comes out...
School. I love learning and I really enjoy interacting with others in that environment too, so all of this online stuff is not my favorite. But I still enjoy the learning aspect. I am slower though and keeping the correct word matched to the correct definition is more challenging. That is a bit discouraging. Yet kind of cool to because I get to see what it is like to utilize disability services. Not that this is necessarily cool by definition but to gain understanding and apathy I think is a gift that I can be grateful to obtain.
My mind is also... too... yes, maybe just too.
As I read I make connections and I see the flaws as I think like a scientist, so many errors exaggerated so often in the science of psychology.
and somehow, "don't try to solve this" is the command whose opposite is now my life's purpose... further nurtured by soooo many, "you will help so many people." and even more by the, "You already have"s Which I am immensely grateful for...
but also tearful because I know it is an almost impossible task, especially since I have no ins, no connections that will help me substantially with my goal. And I have lived enough and done enough within many environments to know that those ins and connections are especially crucial for lofty goals such as mine...
... tears well again.
and my heart and mind are in conflict again knowing how much I know and have lived through and how much I really could help others if only given the chance... But the very things that make me a valuable contributor to the world of psychology are the exact same things that I am discriminated and misjudged for... and it hurts so much... and my heart hurts so much for the so many people that have also been used and abused by the-rapists of their souls who hide behind their credentials and claim therapists.
And they don't care.
It is clearly evident that Dr. He does not care about the harm he caused me and the damage he did. He does not care that he recklessly endangered my life. He does not care that his games still haunt me and burden my soul.
And Ms. Reddy does not care. She does not care that she carelessly and/or ignorantly endangered my life from the beginning and multiple times along the way as she feigned care.
What exactly did I stumble across? Ms. Jodi, who was supposed to be my advocate, how the hell does she even sleep at night doing what she does? Evidence of greater deviance from within. It just does not make any sense at all what happened to me and why... I can give so many explanations, I can solve this a million times in a million different ways but ultimately the lack of humanity and human dignity and the complete disregard for me... that eats me up again and again.
Second class.
Prime target for grooming.
these things that put me there make it so much harder to take. At least now I am aware. Aware of how I made myself second class too often in my life and aware of how I have established too many relationships with people who reinforce my negative core misconceptions of myself. So I am purging... purging people from my life that do not value me, treat me as second class, and interpret their projections of their own flaws and shortcomings as my flaws and shortcomings... But this loss of relationships is hard and very lonely. And I have to leave family behind as I move forward in developing me...
Even though I still love
and I still want to believe in others and their ability to change their relationship and perceptions of me...
I still want to believe when they say that they care even when all evidence suggests otherwise...
It hurts and is lonely... and it becomes challenging to know how to proceed with making new connections.
And I hate him.... so much... because I really genuinely care for a person that values me at nothing...and I have to report.... or something... but still I want to believe and give him a chance because I am in love with the potential and the ideals that everyone else knows is never going to happen... Be very careful now, when I say this please do not misinterpret nor mistake what I mean, and to ensure that you don't I will clarify yet again: the ideals and potential that I am in love with are the validating and assisting in each others life work for the improvements of psychology, TBI treatment, and humanity in general. Just think how beneficial the outcomes could be if he would be honest and allow the conversations on countertransference, how it effected him, how he was expected to handle it, his fears, his realities, his handling. His honest reflections and honest feelings vocalized for me to process. His undoing of his misguided (or manipulative) words that keep something deeper in me locked in a constant battle. Just think how much the honesty of providers could help the clients they have cared (or feigned care) for instead of hurting through abandonment and isolation, blaming and shaming with no allowance of honest, fair playing field, discussions -reinforcements of the pain and shame of so many previous abandonments. Think of the benefits they could gain if I were allowed to explain what was really going on with me in light of head injury and how that effected everything, possibly even the feelings he had implied for me. Or even how we might turn tables of deviance by making him the hero of countertransference... Think how they could utilize the terms and tools of what has helped me be a success in handling so many aspects of TBI and mental illness... such a success that even they, the professionals, were unsure what I was and how to handle me because I was not manifesting according to data. Think of how much more we could help those with TBI if, instead of punishing me, they embraced -by utilizing me, the outlier to the statistics that suggest I should be much more worse off than I am.
But that is the ideal and not the real world that we live in and I am somehow supposed to give up and let go of those dreams...
when so much of cultural conditions says to hold tight and keep dreaming those dreams.
Cinderella, so sweet and never loosing her delusions of the life that realistically would never happen.
... and even in the first chapter of my book of psychology they celebrate Mary Whiton Calkins, the cinderella of psychology...
SO... what is a girl to do when she has a scientist's mind and a heart that wants to believe in the good of humanity and even of Goliath himself?
David will take him down in one shot with his slingshot, but Erica would try to make friends with him instead. She'd appreciate his stature, his talents and skills, and his commitment to his people. She'd communicate her hopes of reconciling the parties at war for the benefit of all instead of just those who have power over the others.
...Power, money and prestige... oh how people fight to defend those... All the way to the death even of the innocent who don't stand a chance and in reality could add to their power... if they were unified in a common purpose and goal.
... maybe that is really what it all boils down to. Do we have a common purpose and goal? Yes or no?
"you already have done insanely hard things to prove a point," says Dr. She to me just now after I tell her that Dr. He's voice commanding me, "I told you not to try and solve this," is now my motivation to do exactly that; solve this. Not just for me but for every other person who has been hurt by therapists in similar ways.
She says I will succeed and I am glad I have her vote of confidence. We all need someone to believe in us.
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