I feel a bit discouraged... the mountain I intend to climb scoffs at me and reminds me of all my deficiencies while concurrently flaunting all it's majestic glory. It points out how ill equipped I am to attempt the climb. No matter that I have climbed more rugged and less refined mountains alone. I do not have the refined gear this prestigious mountain believes I need.
So I think I will come onto this her blog and pretend that I have an endearing fan base that values me in some way. That's positive right? Or is it delusional?
And somehow I have to keep convincing myself that eventually someday, someone will actually give me a chance. Will actually listen and I will make a difference in the ways other tender little people hope I will and I know I could if only those in power would give me a chance. Or if only I could figure out how to build a big a enough of a following that I could reach more people...
...perhaps I am losing sight of what is truly important; the little things and the the people that I can help in small ways in small moments whenever the situations arise...
I think I would be more satisfied with that if I had a better established support network, because I get awful lonely in this isolated world of mine.
Now to why it can be such an isolating world and why I may not be satisfied with the little things; it is stuff like this this little gem (sarcasm should be obvious) of an article I came across in my researching for school:
https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/view/breaking-hard-do-terminating-therapy-things-get-out-hand
I am real reluctant to read any of the works this article cited.
I am absolutely blown away at how flagrantly bias this article is. How condescending, degrading and offensive it is to pretty much any person who has ever been to a therapist or who has had any kind of behavioral or mental health issues.
I will be honest I could not read the thing in it's complete entirety, I had to skim through some, because it seems to generalize the absolute worst onto the client and is so degrading to the client position while the air of nobility of the therapist is ever prevalent even in the critique of some pretty horrific traits they might posses. It also strongly alludes to the therapist being something of the victim and a prey to the client. And while I am sure these anecdotes apply at times I am very doubtful it is as prevalent as this article seems to want the reader to believe it is.
And it is especially disturbing and bothersome to me because this bullshit affirms my suspicions and it is easy to see why I would have been treated the way I was if this is the meat of what the literature and expectations in scenarios of termination and countertransference looks like. This article is by far the worst I have read but the subtle and not so subtle undertones of protect the therapist, blame the client, the clients voice is what the therapists determines it to be, and the therapist is always right and ethical, are common in the literature on countertransference. They all have such noble ambitions. Most peer review articles I have read do not address the termination but rather just leaves the reader hanging offering no solutions on what to do if the boundaries are blurred by the therapist and it harms the client....
Now my TBI side of me wants to curse and lash out. I'm trying to keep that in check because I really do want to scale that mountain... though I am questioning Why right now?
Really...why on earth do I want to waste my time on an arrogant overly geared mountain that is reserved for elitists?
...Because unlike the elitists whose eyes are only focused on the top, I have been dropped into some of the valleys, and I know what lies there. I can see in those valleys and perched on rugged isolated ledges the casualties of their carelessly cut ropes. I can see the excessive gear they have left and just how many people are still attached to those now abandoned routes, hanging on for dear life, and hoping to find a way up or down without having to jump.
I want to climb their disastrous mountain to help free and guide those tender souls who are barely hanging on, confused and vulnerable, wondering what they hell they did wrong and what to do now, novices in gear climbing, abandoned and isolated on the same prestigious mountain only without proper gear, training, or guidance.
Do I keep climbing? Feeling a sense of responsibility for these souls that I now see and understand the plight of?
sigh.... coming from so many disadvantages... in territory I honestly don't know how to navigate... because what I know how to do is disappoint.
redirect. keep climbing. keep believing, even against all odds. because somehow, I can still love and accept my perfectly imperfect even if it was all just a lie... and take the risk for the sake of those I might be able to help off the ledges they have been abandoned on.
AND there it is, the not-a-lie that I do know but that so many therapists still have not quite figured out. Change is slow, progress is slow, people are difficult and we make so many mistakes. We will fail a million times. We have underlying conditions. But we keep getting up and we keep persevering. and if we have just a little help, a little support, a little faith placed in us and something more, we are capable of changing. We are capable of healing. We are capable of contributing in very rich and valuable ways. But we do need others. And really, the therapists hardest job is not all that hard at all, they just might be as stubborn and narrow-minded as the clients they label as such, because really all they have to do, is keep believing in their patient/client even when they don't believe in themselves. Just keep believing in them. Be fair and trust them to eventually turn it around and eventually they will.
maybe that is an overgeneralization,
but I think I would rather live that way
and I have all sorts of anecdotal evidence to support that theory over the opposite.
What we focus on we get more of and people will often live up to your expectations, so what do you expect from them?
turning myself around and keeping my feet on the ground, Hi ho, hi ho, its back to work I go.
Enjoy this listen to (it's way less pretentious than Hilliard and Gutheil):
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