"don't try to solve this" echos in my head as I read about the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems in my psy 1010 book...
but even more interesting is the echo of, "I have tested your brain in ways you don't even know."
and my automatic reply of, "I know. You have even tested how I feel about you."
How did I know this? and what did he really mean?
As I try to piece together my learning about the Autonomic Nervous Systems and it's jobs and functions...
I am even more curious about how "he tested me in ways I don't even know" that may be linked to his research on the ANS and how it is effected by concussion...
He knows
is the problem.
He knows what he was doing and the fire he was playing with. The fire he then suggested I let burn out.
Here are some other things I have learned about the industry and the reality of just how atrocious their disservices are in situations like mine.
- There are laws that protect medical providers from their apologies and admitting mistakes and working to resolve them from being used against them in a court of law. So if your medical provider makes a mistake, admits it, and tries to correct it as best he/she can then they are protected from lawsuits and legal action being taken against them for it.
- In my readings these little snippets have stood out to me:
-this one really gets me:
Circular explanation or tautology: It is the type of reasoning they/he used to first claim I was something I was not and then, after be treated as something I was not, my behaviors that followed were used to justify the false labels, claims, and accusations. A fine art of using the the very pitfalls they warn psychologists about to ones advantage. And sadly this is a rather common occurrence within the field.
- My sisters, the prison guards words, "those are classic player's moves/phrases."
- On paper (clearly not in reality!) I was a prime target for grooming. Why?
- TBI in locations that effect impulse control
- Low self-esteem
- lack of family and social support
- negligent/oblivious husband
- intelligent but functioning with deficits and low confidence
- recent job loss and other painful social rejections
- need for love and support
- attractive enough but not too attractive
- highly vulnerable
- puts others needs ahead of self
- submissive-ish
- etc
But all of these things, and other serious red flags, were very much ignored... Especially disturbing because these things also make it that much more devastating and unlikely I will take legal action. Plus I have a mental health history and ailments that are easy for people to use against me -that I am stigmatized and discriminated against for anyway. By and large, on paper, I represent some voiceless and powerless demographics.
- And my ANS was such a mess. My whole nervous and neurological systems were. As I read I can associate the physiology I am learning about with the haywire chemistry I could feel surging through my many systems and my curiosity is peaked all the more. It is so curious to be able to feel all of those chemical and biological responses happening inside oneself. It is so curious how they effected my thinking and thoughts. It is so curious how it was possible that he had so much power/influence over me...
The chemistry and physiology the book explains we all feel it at times, the books give many lovely little examples, but what I was going through is next level stuff. When people experience that it has to be testable and measurable in some way... It is too significant to not be...
But back to the therapist who was testing me in ways I was not supposed to know and who told me I only see what he allows me to see...
Considering the reality of the very significant imbalance of power and how illogical, irrational, and obviously unfair it was for them to continue down their paths of clear and definite malpractice with me it is not terribly surprising my very astute manic mind found itself fighting to reject and free itself form the notion that he wanted me to pursue and win a malpractice lawsuit.
So many things that were and are so curious... and here is yet another possibility -or if I am using my more sophisticated science language I might call it: an alternative explanation for the observed phenomenon/problem:
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