The Applied Math of Psychology

Countertransference in therapy. 

The following is the last learning objective listed from an APA approved course on counter transference for therapists. (see link below)"Discuss strategies to avoid unethical and/or unlawful practice regarding transference and countertransference love." 

Here's an idea: Lets include the other side of this equation in the conversation.

That is, after all, how you keep an equation balanced. What you do to one side you have to do to the other. If I subtract 10 from one side I must also subtract 10 from the other. Both sides have to keep their communication with the other open until the equation is solved for the intended solution. Otherwise very big problems can occur due to the faulty math.

Just imagine if engineers and even medical doctors ignored these basic fundamental laws of math? Bridges would not stand and medications would be administered carelessly in ways that could result in terrifying consequences.

No wonder I went manic. The equation was out of balance and all the powers to "solve" were extremely disproportionate... like maniacally disproportionate.  My body was simply trying to balance out the equation I had become a part of. 

Now there's a theory therapists might want to try applying to their practice. 

https://www.continuingedcourses.net/active/courses/course084.php

From the above mentioned course for therapists, I find this information particularly interesting: 

"Body Language, Complex Movement, and Somatization

Other well-documented manifestations of transference love are body language or simple movement, complex movement, and somatization. They are universal, transcultural means by which the unconscious mind of one person speaks to its conscious mind as well as to the unconscious mind of another person through the body. Indeed, “the basic units of experience are [not words but] bodily interactions between self and others” (Fast, 1992, 449). The bodily action of both clients and therapists contains key information about what they are trying to convey to each other (Scaer, 2005). Details of posture, gaze, changes in skin color, and even respiration are noticed and unconsciously recorded by both therapy participants (Meares, 2005).

Moreover, because the body cannot lie, it is the richest, most accurate source of truth about what is going on in the present and what aspects of the past have been embodied in memories. The body has an uncanny “ability to tune in to the psyche: to listen to its subtle voice, hear its silent music and search into its darkness of meaning” (Mathew, 1998, 185). It has the ability to do so and seemingly cannot resist doing so." (Schauffer, 2019)

flashback: I could hardly look at him as I played the song intended to help me explain my transference affection for him.  When I did, I noticed he was rubbing his right eye with his right middle finger... an "f* you for making me feel this way" I wondered. Latter in my reoccurring dreams and memories my heart burned as my returning adulthood drew another possible conclusion from this body language... 

Too Bias or Not Too Bias? That is [the variable to] the question.

 Biases are funny. We all have them and they are impossible to avoid but somehow too often we think we are free from them as we try to help others see their own.

I got to meet with my professor, via phone conference, which I hate because I can hear the exacerbated sighs but I cannot see the facial expressions or read the body language to know if they are as exacerbated as they sound or even more exacerbated than they sound. 

It all went about how I thought it would. I overwhelm people. I have too much too soon and I care too much about it. Which is a "problem" in science, because it is perceived as a bias... and it probably is. But here are some things I picked up on:

As I was giving background story my professor pretty quickly labeled the previous therapist as "just a creep" a statement that followed, "was it countertransference or was he..." Professor offered his opinion: he does not think it was countertransference, he does not think the therapist had developed feelings for me. 

Now I sense a bias. Is it against the therapist or is it against me? Or both?

He makes comments about how the client is ostracized and blamed and shamed, so he picked up on that; this part of the conversation was when we were speaking about the generalized problem. But then at one point he makes a comment about how it takes two to tango, and this when the focus had gotten a little more specific to me again. Well, good thing no tango-ing took place. But is this a bias or did I say something that acknowledged patients taking responsibility that he may be reflecting back... Yet it feels like there is a bias, similar to those I read in the research articles and comments on Quora that say it is not the clients fault and they should not be blamed but then proceeds with subtly and not so subtly blaming, shaming and ostracizing them?.. what is really happening here?

...He compares it to sexual harassment and to the #me too Movement, yes. But I can't quite explain that maybe it is not a good guy bad guy scenario, rather maybe the problem is in the rules and regulations, and taboo nature in which the problems are being handled. The hole and the flaw in the middle that is kind of being talked about but is not being very well addressed in regards to how the handling of such situations effects the client. 

But mostly I have too much I want to solve and I am struggling with figuring out where to start... how to break it into manageable chunks and steps that might actually constructively help people. 

My professors is concerned that the topic is to personal for me to be objective about and thus may not be a good topic for me... But it just does not make sense to me at all to choose a topic that isn't important to me. Could I be objective? sure... But also being objective is what has helped me through that mess. ...and it likely hurt me too, in trying to be fair and not wanting to cause any harm... So objectivity, it's a double edged sword. And the lack of concern or personal experience with a situation, I doubt leads to better or more objectivity, rather a person probably just has different and likely less noticeable, but still present, biases about the topic. ...and, really, which is better? A bias that is easily recognizable, identifiable and distinguishable or a bias that is not so easy to spot by the objective observer who cares little about spotting it and does not have enough experience with the topic to recognize it or where it is coming from?

And isn't it funny how, in the malpracticing of me, the attempts to maintain and restore objectivity were not reciprocated by those who have supposedly been trained to do that and that are supposedly governed by ethics on the topic?... 

Is that where I start? By questioning the ethics?

I don't know... I suppose it makes some sense that Dr. He told me not to try and solve this... There are far too many problems to solve.... but is it a good idea for me to unbias myself in this situation??? maybe the start or end is about when bias is necessary?... blah... this is not helping anymore. Time to write on paper and see if I can whittle down my ideas and ideals into a workable research topic for a class that is not an all encompassing end all. 

4:00pm...and really it is just too bad that I have become so entirely socially inept. It is really causing problems for me and I don't know how to find my way back, which just further isolates, which leads to increased social retardation. Such a vicious cycle. I know what I need, friends and/or regular social interactions. Yet I can't meet that need and the harder I try the worse off I am... but I can tell you here, my invisible friends.

4:30pm..and as I persevere, determined to do what I can... I want to curse... because I am to damn connected to this topic...

So I think to change my topic to TBI stuff... and damnit, that feels even worse, because in that arena there is really no valid or justifiable reason that I was mistreated and ostracized and that literature can be even harder to handle emotionally, can feel just as, if not more, hopeless. AND I risk stumbling across research that is written by the misdiagnosers themselves. 

How about mania? That one is fascinating. Like why the hell did I go manic, what is physiologically happening to the body and stuff like that... but again, painful, and actually solved pretty quick when the correlation was established to the exact damaged regions in my brain... 

maybe I'll just research how video games effect test performance ...insert green faced puking emoji!

... maybe I'll go back to being an artist and keep painting instead. 

9:00pm And I'm back again... after conversation with the man (the one that I am married to). Talking through some of what I feel and listening to his feedback. I know I am expecting too much of myself. Maybe trying too hard to fix what cannot be fixed... Knowing it cannot be fixed for me, I want to at least try and fix it for others. Maybe I am simply trying to attach meaning to my suffering. Maybe I am trying to end my suffering by trying to relieve the suffering of others. 

hmm. that's not such a bad thing. I think that is a better way to end suffering than to heed the voices that suggest I end it by ending me or sacrificing myself for the gods of IHC.  

And I am glad that my man reminded me, this is not my only shot and it does not need to make or break me. It's just a step. 

Though I walk through the valleys ...

 I feel a bit discouraged... the mountain I intend to climb scoffs at me and reminds me of all my deficiencies while concurrently flaunting all it's majestic glory. It points out how ill equipped I am to attempt the climb.  No matter that I have climbed more rugged and less refined mountains alone. I do not have the refined gear this prestigious mountain believes I need. 

So I think I will come onto this her blog and pretend that I have an endearing fan base that values me in some way. That's positive right? Or is it delusional?

And somehow I have to keep convincing myself that eventually someday, someone will actually give me a chance. Will actually listen and I will make a difference in the ways other tender little people hope I will and I know I could if only those in power would give me a chance. Or if only I could figure out how to build a big a enough of a following that I could reach more people... 

...perhaps I am losing sight of what is truly important; the little things and the the people that I can help in small ways in small moments whenever the situations arise... 

I think I would be more satisfied with that if I had a better established support network, because I get awful lonely in this isolated world of mine. 

Now to why it can be such an isolating world and why I may not be satisfied with the little things; it is stuff like this this little gem (sarcasm should be obvious) of an article I came across in my researching for school: 

https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/view/breaking-hard-do-terminating-therapy-things-get-out-hand

I am real reluctant to read any of the works this article cited. 

I am absolutely blown away at how flagrantly bias this article is. How condescending, degrading and offensive it is to pretty much any person who has ever been to a therapist or who has had any kind of behavioral or mental health issues. 

I will be honest I could not read the thing in it's complete entirety, I had to skim through some, because it seems to generalize the absolute worst onto the client and is so degrading to the client position while the air of nobility of the therapist is ever prevalent even in the critique of some pretty horrific traits they might posses. It also strongly alludes to the therapist being something of the victim and a prey to the client. And while I am sure these anecdotes apply at times I am very doubtful it is as prevalent as this article seems to want the reader to believe it is.

And it is especially disturbing and bothersome to me because this bullshit affirms my suspicions and it is easy to see why I would have been treated the way I was if this is the meat of what the literature and expectations in scenarios of termination and countertransference looks like. This article is by far the worst I have read but the subtle and not so subtle undertones of protect the therapist, blame the client, the clients voice is what the therapists determines it to be, and the therapist is always right and ethical, are common in the literature on countertransference. They all have such noble ambitions. Most peer review articles I have read do not address the termination but rather just leaves the reader hanging offering no solutions on what to do if the boundaries are blurred by the therapist and it harms the client.... 

Now my TBI side of me wants to curse and lash out. I'm trying to keep that in check because I really do want to scale that mountain... though I am questioning Why right now? 

Really...why on earth do I want to waste my time on an arrogant overly geared mountain that is reserved for elitists? 

...Because unlike the elitists whose eyes are only focused on the top, I have been dropped into some of the valleys, and I know what lies there. I can see in those valleys and perched on rugged isolated ledges the casualties of their carelessly cut ropes. I can see the excessive gear they have left and just how many people are still attached to those now abandoned routes, hanging on for dear life, and hoping to find a way up or down without having to jump. 

I want to climb their disastrous mountain to help free and guide those tender souls who are barely hanging on, confused and vulnerable, wondering what they hell they did wrong and what to do now, novices in gear climbing, abandoned and isolated on the same prestigious mountain only without proper gear, training, or guidance.  

Do I keep climbing? Feeling a sense of responsibility for these souls that I now see and understand the plight of?

sigh.... coming from so many disadvantages... in territory I honestly don't know how to navigate... because what I know how to do is disappoint. 

redirect. keep climbing. keep believing, even against all odds. because somehow, I can still love and accept my perfectly imperfect even if it was all just a lie... and take the risk for the sake of those I might be able to help off the ledges they have been abandoned on. 

AND there it is, the not-a-lie that I do know but that so many therapists still have not quite figured out. Change is slow, progress is slow, people are difficult and we make so many mistakes. We will fail a million times. We have underlying conditions. But we keep getting up and we keep persevering. and if we have just a little help, a little support, a little faith placed in us and something more, we are capable of changing. We are capable of healing. We are capable of contributing in very rich and valuable ways. But we do need others. And really, the therapists hardest job is not all that hard at all, they just might be as stubborn and narrow-minded as the clients they label as such, because really all they have to do, is keep believing in their patient/client even when they don't believe in themselves. Just keep believing in them. Be fair and trust them to eventually turn it around and eventually they will. 

maybe that is an overgeneralization, 

but I think I would rather live that way

 and I have all sorts of anecdotal evidence to support that theory over the opposite. 

What we focus on we get more of and people will often live up to your expectations, so what do you expect from them?

turning myself around and keeping my feet on the ground, Hi ho, hi ho, its back to work I go. 

Enjoy this listen to (it's way less pretentious than Hilliard and Gutheil):

Gangstas Paradise

Good Night Good Morning

 4:47 am... Not asleep. After lying wide awake for some time I decided to work on school instead. I have been awake since at least 3 am.

Though a touch concerned, I am not terribly surprised, especially after the experiences of the previous day as discussed in my previous blog entry. 

And I took the opioid just before bed, because the nurse suggested I do. Also, I was a bit nervous because, unlike the ankle, I am actually feeling pain this time, even before the nerve block has worn off. 

But alas, though I am not feeling the pushing-into-happy-high manic-like stuff, the way I did when I was unstable and not properly medicated (or diagnosed) with the ankle surgery, I think I will try to avoid those drugs again.

And while I still feel more awake than I'd like, I hope turning off this screen I might help me fall asleep again since I am at least a little more tired. 

So good night good morning. 

Surgery, What a Rush!

I had this kind of fun today

and now I have one of these! Yay

Waking up from surgery was really weird this time. They did not put whatever happy drugs into my IV as the ankle doctors did. That was a happy fun waking up.

This time I was so shaky and not because I was cold. My emotions were unstable. I needed to know everything. I tried to relax my mind but it was misfiring all over the place and I 'd shake and cry...

But the interesting and kind of cool thing was I knew exactly why. 

"my right prefrontal cortex is damaged and that's what is happening" I told the nurse. 

"My Autonomic Nervous System is all out of whack and firing fight flight signals." I ask her if it is normal for people to get shaky like this. She says it is. But I know something about this is not normal or okay. It is uncontrollable and I feel like my body is experiencing a form of shock. I am telling the nurse what the prefrontal cortex does and why my reactions are related to that. 

And even though I have a spinal block I can feel that my very low damaged disk in my back is unhappy. It usually gets that way if I lie flat on my back for too long.  The nurse leaves for a moment. I have to adjust my body position to settle that disk, knowing that could help settle some of the nervous system stuff that is firing like crazy.

When the nurse returns she tells me I need to get back on my back and she helps me do that but also makes sure I have a pillow to support and she adjusts my bed to sit me up more. 

I tell the nurse my brain is not handling this well and that we need to get it to settle down. The crying and shaking is out of control and it is scary. I try to calm it, and while that works on my psyche it just seems to send new shock waves through my physiological systems. I need something to calm it. My impulse control and mouth not up to par, I actually tell her this mess of my body is due to "jackass Dr. He" and "stupid Dr. Concussion" I feel this because they potentially caused more harm to the locations of my damaged brain by ignoring and denying what was happening and thus perpetually feeding these very responses, things similar to what is happening now; a broken system that is struggling to regulate, especially under stress. And they kept it going for far too long...* (see end note)  I think I may have used the "f" word once or twice. But at least I did not rip out any IV's or try to get out of bed. 

 Nice Nurse gives me some sort of sedative, maybe Diprivan. She starts with a half dose. But has me take the second half about 10-15 minutes later as my bodies response is starting to look more and more like shock or a full blown panic attack. I keep asking questions. She tells me she will go over it later because I won't remember now.  

But I remember. Second dose in, she allows me time to settle. The medication starts to work it's magic and my body and emotions start to come back to center. I'm leveling and when she thought I was sleeping, I was mostly not. I was settling and allowing the medication to work and allowing my body to settle. Your brain is part of your body too. 

These mind altering medications are absolutely fascinating. And this was another rather fascinating experience. 

I tell the nurse, "I really should be a case study."

I am not in a drugged like state after the medication. I am not sedated. I am simply settled, and back to the more accurate version of me. I am stable again and my nervous systems are settled. My mind is able to work in a calm and rational way again. 

Home now, my husband observes once again, "You are so alert and fine." After both of his surgeries he was groggy and out of it. For days.

I don't seem to work that way. Even after giving birth to my two kids I was like, "okay, when can I go home," while my husband was wiped out- asleep in my hospital bed with the baby.

I am guessing I will get tired and my emotions will start to get to me again. But this little incident, so heightened and bizarre, yet I knew what was happening, I was able to identify it, communicate it, and I knew what I needed. The medication, amazing, brought me back to level rather quickly. Not sedated, but level.

I am so grateful for a nurse that listened and cared. 

...I suppose it is not too surprising to find out that she has a daughter that suffered a stroke at age 18 and has endured some similar effects due to the lasting effects of the damage it caused. 

...So once again, this is why I talk about it. :)

*A little later I ask her to send a report of this to the Neuroscience Institute, even though I know it is highly unlikely she will. But I want her to because of how it correlates with what I had tried to tell them and even with their own research -which according to them somehow did not apply to me, probably because they had opted to make me taboo instead.

Another note on this: while I am certain many may think, and I do to, "just get over it, quite tying it back to them."  I sometimes can and I sometimes do, however, I live with the realities they denied everyday. I live with the rejection from the one place in the world where I really do belong and really could be a valuable asset. While I know, "the one place in the world" is not entirely true -there are others- they have actually done enough harm and sufficiently tainted my name and my records enough that I am now, something like blacklisted by other institutions and organizations that could otherwise easily be home to me. 

The lady from the BIAU conference last year, -the one who claimed my attempts to converse with her, in ways that could help me understand were unethical- she is on the board. My attempts at conversation with her were not unethical, rather, to her, it was taboo. Which, we all know, is what is truly unethical. But no matter, she holds the power and all the cards and I am irrationally "unsafe" to her and the off vibes I have caught from others who have connections to her, my intuition suggests are related. I could be wrong, and I keep trying. But over the years I have gotten rather good at knowing when people are talking about me behind my back

... And I can tell you, it sure makes them uncomfortable when you try to address it directly with them. Which to me seems most reasonable, logical, and mature. But somehow, even if you think you have it cleared up, very often you don't. They even like to use the fact that you brought it up to further fuel fires... sheesh, I thought we were supposed to move past this kind of communication after junior and high school... but even the most elite among us can't handle it, heck they may even be the worst at it.. Or is it just doctors and educators? The most schooled among us. hmmm...That actually makes some sense since elementary and secondary schools seems to be where these problems would mostly lie and are rather developmentally appropriate,  and most teachers go straight from high school into college, coming from highly flawed systems which they were successful in. Thus, they are very likely to repeat the same patterns. While doctors also usually go straight from high school to college and then stay in these education systems for many years being educated by educators who have never actually survived outside of these systems...

hmmm...

 

When the person becomes the Taboo

It's so hard to channel my thoughts right now. To limit to one area of research. I want to know and understand everything. 

Like Taboos

I am pretty sure therapists developing certain feelings for their clients is pretty taboo for them. 

And as I am reading about taboos I am realizing that the aforementioned often results in the actual object of affection, who is also coincidentally a person, becoming the taboo. 

I am a taboo. 

It's not my problems or conditions that are taboo. It is not how I behaved or even the misdiagnosis that is the taboo. It is me. I am the taboo and I have become a taboo for a bunch of people. They even want me to taboo myself. I'm not supposed to talk about it. 

It is not unethical for me to talk to people about my experience and yet I have been told it is. But ethics is not why they don't want to talk to me about it. In fact if it were about ethics the opposite would be happening. They would be talking to me about it. It is not a matter of ethics at all. It is a matter of taboo. And I am the taboo... 

No wonder I feel so powerless. Even thinking about me is wrong and forbidden and punishable. Especially thinking of me with any kind of positive regard. 

And I am unjustly and unfairly put into the same category as things like: incest, so many sins against children, cannidbolism, and all sorts of other terrible things that are so taboo I don't even want to mention them. 

 https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/199801/dont-even-think-about-it

It's an old article, and long so I did not read it in its entirety, but it is interesting. I just wish someone would cover the very taboo topic of how some, often irrational, taboos are turning victims into taboos. 

I know others who are also taboo. Voiceless, powerless, vulnerable and broken by the very people who were supposed to be protecting them. The people that were supposed to be loving and nurturing them. Their abusers are not taboo. They still have plenty of life and voice and people are aloud to talk then and about them. They are allowed to accept them and even love them. But that is not how the victim is treated. They, and most who knew the person who is actually the victim, will not talk to them and won't even allow themselves to think about them. And if you try to talk about them to get them help, you will quickly see what I am talking about here. 

If you try to file a complaint on my behalf or try to talk to anyone at the Neuroscience Institute about me, or others who have made the "it's unethical for me to talk about this" claims, or if you try to contact a lawyer on my behalf or the media -and I both give permission and encourage you to do so- you will quickly see just how taboo I am. 

"Anyone who has violated a taboo becomes taboo himself because he possesses the dangerous quality of tempting others to follow his example."

-Sigmund Frued form: Totem and Taboo:Some Points of Agreement between the Mental Lives of Savages and Neurotics

Heaven forbid others may follow my example of wanting to talk about problems, address them, and work to correct them in ways that are fair to all parties and could even benefit many more people to come and even their own business. Heaven forbid we treat people with TBI and mental health issues as intelligent, respectable, and equally human. Sheesh, what a horrible heathen I am!

...and have you ever dared read studies related to any condition you have? You find yourself being equated to mice and your condition the biomarker of you as a human... or something like that. It is not so easy. They rhetoric is very one-sided and dehumanizing. And I think my brain is starting to shut down because of it...

anger. sadness. fatigue. all rearing their UR's (unconditioned responses) to a CS (conditioned stimulus).

Or would my reactions be considered conditioned because they are directly related to effects of TBI and the hopelessness I have been conditioned to feel? 

And maybe the real reason I am struggling to decide and stick to one research topic is because they are all quite painful to study... It's hard to be reduced to statistics and structural abnormalities. It's hard to be the empty and missing voice, all words relating to you and those claiming to represent you and account for your voice coming from the same type of professionals that have used and abused you, refused to listen, and/or discriminated against you... It's hard to be reduced to mere representation by the side that has assaulted you. And made you taboo.

The Forrest for the Trees.

 One summer when I was in my early twenties I nannied two boys. One was 5 and the other 2 almost 3. The two year old boy was almost as tall as his 5 year old brother. He was a fun, sweet, energetic and intelligent 2 year old. 

I enjoyed taking the boys places. Especially the 2 year old. However, on these outings, I noticed something that bothered me a bit. For some reason people were not as warm and friendly to my 2 year old client as they were to his 5 year old brother. It was especially curious to me because the 2 year old was, baseline personality wise, much nicer than his brother. In fact, (and I almost hate to admit this because, especially with kids, this happens very rarely with me) his brother often rubbed me the wrong way. He was kind of sneaky and conniving by nature. He was often moody and brooding and not super pleasant to be around and often he would do things to intentionally hurt his younger brother. He was much harder to deal with and yet when we were out, people would dote on him much more than they would his younger brother. 

It was a strange phenomenon to me so I started really paying attention and I am fairly certain I figured out the discrepancy. Younger brother was tall and broad in a very athletic looking way and if you didn't know he was only two you would think he was much closer in age to his thin and average height brother than he was. People seemed to think he was older than he was, so when he would talk or act like a two-year-old they were immediately be put off by his actions. 

 I have since observed this phenomenon and similar happening with other children. My own daughter was not tall when she was 3 but she was very articulate and highly intelligent, to the point that one of her baby-sitters thought she was 5 or 6. In this scenario people would extra dote because of her high intelligence but the flip side is when she would act her age it was harder to be patient with her and even I would often expect her to understand things better than her physiological development would allow her. 

I have a nephew who is prodigy level intelligent, -he knew his numbers up to 20, his colors better than most adults, like magenta, indigo, etc, all of his letters by name, sight, and sound, and much more all by age 2- he knew all his states and a significant number of countries by name, shape, and their capitols by age 4. Egypt was his favorite which is what he decided to be for Halloween that year. He even knew more about the country than most adults, like who it's ruler was and what type or government he ruled in. Now he is big into elements, but he is also still just a little boy who has tons of energy and behaves in ways that are developmentally normal and appropriate for his age. However, because of his ridiculous capacity to learn and understand significantly above what is normal at that age he is often perceived as manipulative and deviant. Which to some extent is accurate but may simply be due to his very advanced intellect being stuck in a now 6 year old body. He is not developmentally capable of the expectations people have of him while he far exceeds others. 

Kids like this confuse people. 

And this is kind of how both TBI and "mental illnesses" can be. I have noticed that the more intelligent, resourceful, adaptive, and even attractive a person is, it seems they are less likely to get accurate diagnosis. Or even diagnosis at all. 

Couple that with symptoms that are considered shameful, inappropriate, embarrassing, etc and those who really do need help have been conditioned to hide the very symptoms that would alert providers to their need for help and medical intervention. 

It is hurting my heart seeing how common this is and how deep the stigmas go. 

I hardly ever used to talk about my TBI. Very off and on would I ever talk about things like depression and anxiety. I rarely would admit the hypomania. But I did learn how to navigate them and manage all of it. I had it so well managed I had even forgot some pretty significant parts of my life. 

But the second hit to my head made me realize just how profoundly that first TBI had effected me and even how I was perceived by others. 

I confuse people. 

I even used to confuse myself. But knowledge is power and so is accurate diagnosis. 

Now I talk about TBI all the time. I talk about what happened to me at and because of the Neuroscience Institute. I share far too much far too soon and I know this is risky because people will often judge. They usually have some form of prejudice, preconceived notions, and fallacies of thinking toward my conditions and people with my conditions. It is a huge societal problem. 

Which is exactly why I do talk about it too much too soon now.

 In so doing I have found surprising forms of validation, especially in finding how much more common some of the TBI problems I have had are. AND I have been able to help so many people already, sometimes in small ways and other times in big and meaningful ways. Last week a girl I had a conversation with in the park over and year ago and some followup text conversations, sent me an out of the blue thank you for a simple tip that has helped her significantly. I am so grateful for moments like that. I want to keep helping people who are struggling with problems that can be often rather easily treated if we, as a society, would shift our thinking, expectations and how we treat people who are struggling with very real physical health problems that effect behavior. 

TBI is being treated far too carelessly and unfairly and it is far too misunderstood even, and maybe especially, by the medical providers. 

People with mental illnesses or behavior problems are being treated with far too much skepticism, pessimism, and distrust which ultimately feeds those traits in the person who is struggling (Zootopia illustrates this nicely) and people far too often have nowhere truly constructive to turn to. Tests are not being done by providers, to often simply labeled, medicated and released. So when I talk if it happens to be a person who has or has had a friend or family member in one of my boats or similar, even if they will label and judge me, they usually find some solace, validation, and/or informational/educational value to our conversation. Those who find none of that usually at least find some entertainment value and even that, to me, is a bonus I am willing to give. 

So I'll keep compromising myself and keep talking and I'll keep hoping...

And now that this off my chest maybe I can settle on just one topic for my psy 3500 research project... 

Gestalt psychology; It's only partially true.

 "In perception, the whole may exceed the sum of its parts," say Gestalt psychologists according to my textbook.

The perception of the whole may exceed the sum of its parts...  I know this. It sounds like mania and situations interpreted when one is manic. 

It sounds like suspected perception errors that I was asking for help correcting. 

It also sounds like ignorance of providers and thinking errors on their parts. 

They wanted to Occam's razor me- simplify it into mere attraction and/or obsession?  And then use that to justify and excuse their not looking further into things that were affecting my health, safety, moods and behavior maybe believing that the whole of me was exceeding the sum of my broken parts.

But their job is to look. Their job is to first do no harm and their job is to be thorough.

They needed to look at the parts and add them up. They needed to check for alternative explanations. 

They needed to LOOK.

The sum of my broken parts, so far have far exceeded the perception of the whole.... What is the term for that? 

Consciousness? Neuroplasticity? Discipline? Success? Intelligence? Toughness? Misunderstood? Discredited? 

We interpret things based on our own experience, perception, depth, complexity... Their whole may be exceeding the sum of their parts... They project a whole that definitely exceeds the sum of their parts. If you have heard any IHC advertisement, especially those about how they care about individuals, then you know what I am talking about. 

And Dr. He, Dr. Concusion, and Patient Advocate too? Are they simply more ignorant, and narrow/small-minded than I am capable of believing them to be? 

Linear thinkers who dare not wander beyond the paths they have been conditioned and trained to think on. Prone to error simply because they cannot see beyond the paths and boxes they are confined to but that we are not? 

"In perception, the whole may exceed the sum of its parts." Degrees and the Prestige we tie to them just may be another example of this, because, after all, an ability to conform and do as told is a very large part of gaining that Prestige. 

And today, during class, one student asked a question. Some bias was sensed in the way she stated it. But is the bias in the student asking the question or is it in the in the person trying to perceive the question? 

...and as I study, determined to solve and fix the systems that break the people they are supposed to be fixing AND in doing so may be breaking the fixers themselves, I often wish to send him links to the scholarly articles of research... the profound madness of his very profession. I think I already have it very well solved, but how to quantify and qualify, that is the challenge. 

I am sorry dear friend that your profession must end at least in the form that it is. 

Love in the therapeutic relationship is both simple and profound and the perceptions of the whole are greater than the sum of its parts while quite the opposite at the exact same time and when the love is real it is twisted too much and lost may be all that he was. 

Lost with me and lost in me, a lost soul myself, who had thought she had finally found home.

Fantasies of Fair and Ethical treatment

 the hardest and most frustrating part... the isolation and ostracizing one feels when one has been through things similar to mine (things like mania, TBI, malpractice, and mistreatment from a psychologist)...

It is lonely. 

And also immensely frustrating because you are a victim but there is nothing you can do and nobody who can change things to stop the victimizing of you and others is listening. 

Very likely part of why they are not listening are the exact same reasons you are the prime target for victimization which then keeps you repressed, voiceless and powerless...

My heart aches for the victims of child abuse and neglect, and victims of rape, sexual assault and domestic violence. It brings tears to my eyes knowing how hopeless their plight must feel and in reality be, when mine, so obvious and from those that things like this should never happen with and that supposedly have many systems in place to protect me, has been completely disregarded and impossible to find help or even justice for. 

Money talks and victims don't usually have enough of that... at least not enough to stand up to their perpetrators. And mine, IHC, I definitely don't have the resources to fight. 

"I believe people are fundamentally fair," says Glen Beck who happens to be on the radio when I get into the car.

After seeing what I have and experiencing what I have, after how family and friends have handled and treated me, I beg to differ. It is easy to believe that people are fundamentally fair when you have money, power, and prestige. You will feel an innate drive to believe that just to justify your own hypocrisies of your unfair treatment of others, like your employees who work just as hard, and often much harder, but make less than a tenth of what you do. Is that fair? By the most basic definitions of fair the answer is no, but your money and power will justify your delusions of what is fair and equitable payment.

IHC will justify their delusions of fair and ethical treatment. 

Anyway... Sad and angry as I learn more and understand better, and as I still know the reality of the impossible tasks of competing for fair and ethical treatment... 

People are not fundamentally fair, they are fundamentally self-centered and delusional about their fairness and it seem to me the more power, influence, and money one has the more self-centered and delusional  they are about their own fairness. 

To be or not to be; so studious and as boring as a tree *

 I am really liking my psychology classes. They are full of fascinating hardly new information. The research class is surprisingly more engaging but probably just because we actually have scheduled class times... so even though it is online, at least I get to interact with real people!

But sometimes I read and I am like: just more blah blah bull shit only with the added pretentiousness of elitist academia and scientific sanctities. Wait, that later is not a possible combination right? And yet some how, maybe in Tau, it is.  

I probably need to be careful not to offend those sophisticated intellectuals... because I somehow have to convince them to invest their confidence in me and give me the chance to enter their prestigious PhD granting programs. 

A heathen and a commoner, the voice from the other side... And with brain damage and other indicators of inferiority

Insert green-faced-puking-emoji

puking at my plight and my empathetic feelings for how dull, monotonous and tedious those professionals' lives must become at times. Losing all sense of creativity, imagination and fun in their insatiable desire to advance perceptions of their very linear intellect and prestigious eliteness...

Yeah, sometimes the mood of the readings are bit heavy like that...

poor buggers. They should let me in just for the comedic relief of my plight if for nothing else!

*So to be or not to be; so studious and as boring as a tree? not that I think trees are boring. I find them very beautiful, majestic and interesting, but their very sedentary lives do seem rather boring. And it rhymes. 

Whose up to bat?

 4 for 4. Or is it 5 for 5? And then some added bonus findings.

Car accident of 2017 my 1st concern was my head. A possible concussion had me concerned. The first doctor I saw dismissed this concern with, "we don't do anything for concussion anyway." He did not test for it. 

Shoulder and left arm were x-rayed and found okay... So I suppose that may change it to 5 out of 6, because it hurt so bad I was certain something was broken... It was the only test ordered by a doctor to look inside immediately following the accident. 

The next test that looked inside was ordered shortly after the car accident by a chiropractor. He wanted to see the neck. MRI showed injury in the form of a hairline fracture in a vertebrae in the neck. Chiropractor is also the one who picked up on the concussion. At least they were concerned. 

Next was the ENT doctor, a few months after the accident. He ordered a CT scan because I kept getting sinus infections after the accident and my nose was runny a lot. That showed abnormalities but nothing in the sinuses that seemed to be accident related. I'd knock my average down on this because I was certain there was something wrong from the car accident that was causing these problems, but keep following and you will see why I'm still batting 5 of 6.

The next look inside was the ankle. It had been bugging me since the accident. 14 months after, when my head was starting to improve, I wondered why the heck I had not had the ankle looked at. It was only getting worse so I went to the orthopedic doctor. MRI; it needed surgery. Had it been caught when the injury had been sustained then it is possible surgery could have been avoided. This much later? No. But still 3 surgeons and a PA all impressed by my stability and strength considering the extent of the injury; especially once they got inside.

Ankle turning out to not be nothing coincided with the questionable #5 injury. Mania. Was that due to injury of car accident or insult of neuropsychologist? Not sure, but certainly mania and not so much a transference- countertransference issue.  That would have resolved much quicker and easier and would have followed a much more linear path of healing.. (or maybe not. That relationship is intense. Others I know have also been significantly injured by the mishandling of countertransference.) But mania, was a definite yes and I was right about it... Too bad I, like they, really did not want that to be what it was. Too bad they are governed more by their fear and/or egos than by honesty, integrity, medical knowledge, and logic. 

After ankle and knowing I was broken more than was previously thought -something I had tried to tell many doctors already but was shy and timid, not assertive, when they failed to listen- I decide to have the 2 other things that had been bothering me looked into: my hip and my wrist. 

The hip doctor decided to take the conservative approach and it was hypothesized the discomfort there was linked to my gate being off from the ankle. Which turned out not to be the case. But then it was supposed that it was the back and not the hip... Which turned out it was the back; MRI showed a bulging disk. Another injury I had not even thought to mention because I was associating the back pain and troubles to the hip. Physical therapy helped the back. 

But not the hip. 

Back to MRI and, yep the hip was also injured. Progressed or lit up by car accident, that much I know because prior to the car accident it had never bothered me. Not once. This injury has taken the longest to find, because we were being conservative in an effort to avoid chalking up unnecessary expenses... which, in reality, turned out to be chalking up a lot of unnecessary expenses and wasted time. I go in for surgery next week. This should prevent a full hip replacement down the road. 

So ankle, hip, back, mania, all initially missed... oh and the wrist.

Orthopedic found nothing wrong with the wrist. But there was clearly a tremor. "You might want to see a neurologist about it" says he. And Dr. Reddy, she suggests that too, but fails to refer and of course I want to believe that this means it is nothing. 

...but I know better... deep inside I know better. I had the whole time.

Finally, after the mania and that nonsense is actually being treated, I follow the directions of new psychiatric PA and I get into a neurologist. She wants me to go for head injury, I only want to see what this tremor might be tied to... But I already know. I did not have it before and I knew it as soon as wrist orthopedic mentioned it with concern all over his face. 

Yep. MRI shows TBI. Not concussion at all... so maybe I am batting lower because I first thought concussion and it was actually worse.... but truthfully, "I think I might be manifesting better than I am," said to at least 3 providers who diagnosed concussion, reminds me, that I knew... Deep down inside, I knew this was another TBI. It is why I woke up so quickly, I knew I could not let anyone move me and risk greater injury to my brain the it had been with the first TBI. After that snow tubing collision with a tree I had been loaded into a sled and bounced unconscious across a field... So the second time, something deep in my psyche or biology knew I had to walk up. 

But I wanted to believe those providers who were the experts ... experts who were very wrong. I wanted to believe their wrong diagnosis's too. 

Mania. That is what the result of believing misdiagnosis can lead to... Or was that mania from the pituitary tumor the MRI also found? We don't know, and may never know, because it was not diagnosed appropriately at the height of it or for months after amidst the chaotic cycling that ensued and I will do all I can to prevent another manic episode.

But we could have known, had those whose care I was under, when the mania presented, taken it for the evidence it was -that more was in fact going on with my brain- and ordered the tests to be done then. 

And today I am glad and sad

Sad about the insanity of the journey and the mess that it has been 

Sad that my experience is being shunned and shushed instead of used to help others (and me)

Others who are also being shunned and shushed and treated badly inside and out of the medical institutions that should know and behave better.

Glad that I have the husband I do and we have made the progress we have. I have support here.

Glad that I have been fortunate to get the medical help I need even if it took far longer than it should have and the journey was not a direct route. 

...and nervous 

because today I just scheduled surgery for the hip. I will get it fixed next week. 

nervous... but also glad

glad that I will finally be done with the finding and diagnosing of injuries from the car accident of 2017. 

TBI has compounding effects. It leads to behaviors and symptoms that can look quite different than what is expected. And for those of us that are coming in with a second TBI, providers need to be aware of the effects of years of conditioning to hide and be ashamed of our symptoms and associated problems. Providers need to not add to the shame, shunning, isolation and ostracism. It even effects our ANS: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/324431877_Concussion_and_the_autonomic_nervous_system_An_introduction_to_the_field_and_the_results_of_a_systematic_review 

(yes, that article by my ex-neuropsychologist, is about concussion, but I am fairly certain more severe TBI's are likely to effect the autonomic nervous system as well... but that is just a guess) 

So in the end what am I batting here? I lost track... and I'll leave it that.

Cognitive Dissonance

 Cognitive dissonance. It's a theory. And a condition?

basically it says if your thoughts/beliefs and behaviors (what you think/believe and what you do) are not in alignment with each other you will experience dissonance "a tension or clash resulting from the combination of two disharmonious or unsuitable elements" within your cognition.. 

So like, if you feel morally obligated to report something but it is emotionally challenging to do so and you have a stupid (or intelligent, not sure which it really is) brain that considers far too many possibilities far too much, then your are going to be in a state of imbalance until you bring those conflicting variables into some sort of alignment with each other...

Stupid human experience.

Actually it is not and it is possible I am not so dissonant as I might be making it sound, rather just a tad annoyed with myself for letting my day get away from me once again in avoidance of continued attempts to straighten things out. Procrastination, distractibility, even loss of memory all seem to increase dramatically when I decide I am going to again work to tackle those rotten issues that day... 

Why?

Porque? 

It is so very annoying and now I feel bad at having wasted my day and I may even feel a tad guilty for coming here to process and confess... Oooh lovely blogger.com, my confessional and my redeemer...

Blasphemy! now what am I up to? 😬 delightful irreverent distractions of minimal comedic/artistic value... 

But why the dissonance of belief, knowledge and action? 

because we are creatures of habit?

and even when we know it is the right thing to do we still seek community over isolation and we hate to have our value, insight, and experiences invalidated ...again and again...

Hopeless?

No. I still don't and won't believe it and if that is stubborn then, in this situation, I will accept the label.

and my confessional, tipped over, turns into my soapbox...

Now off box and off to work I go to 

try and catch some portion of my day that got away...

To solve or not to solve... there really is no question

 To solve?

Or not to solve?

That is the question.

And yet I think I lack the ability to to not to and probably that stems from the silly little fact that I would not have survived if I had chosen not to. 

Too much is happening in a brain that is damaged and whose chemistry is so far out of whack and I am confident that, if what I was experiencing was bipolar, than bipolar is terminal if left untreated. 

Your body just cannot sustain.

and I am so very curious about it now and curious about how it ties to TBI. So curious about what was happening to me because something very strange was happening that I am certain science has got to be able to account for. 

by-the-way

So far I have been correct on that and here is some further evidence form Oxford Academics, Brain; A Journal on Neurology: "Manic changes are related to changes in the frontal cortex"  

I will confess I have not read the entire study but I read enough to know that they found a of reduction in grey brain matter in the prefrontal cortex of patients who had experienced manic episode(s) in comparison to those who had not. All patients tested had been diagnosed with bipolar and they did an initial MRI and then one somewhere around 6 years later. Some had had manic episodes and some had not. The reduction in grey matter was only observed in patients who had had manic episodes. It was not observed in those who had not. 

Hmmm, maybe this is why Psychiatric PA said mania is hard on your brain? 

And here is the very important, fascinating and also devastatingly sad part of this: Dr. Sweet (new neurologist) reviewed my MRI image with me at my last appointment I had with her a couple of weeks ago and the area we were looking at that had a decrease in grey matter matches the area/images of that study... The biggest difference, to my understanding, is that the patients in the study had it more uniform across the two hemispheres, right and left lobe. 

Now we do know that correlation does not equate to causation so it could mean something like mania in these patient caused the damage/changes. Or it could mean something like some forms of bipolar are degenerative and lead to a decrease/deterioration of the brain in that specific area which then leads to more manic episodes. Or their could be alternative explanations and other variables causing or contributing, some that I considered (ie. medication) the study factored in and suggests are highly unlikely to be the cause. But what we do know: mania can be positively tied to damage in that portion of the brain. That same portion that I have damage to. 

So what does this suggest to you? 

To me it suggests that initial insult was likely due to auto accident injury, and that location of injury made me much more susceptible to have a manic reaction/episode... I am also fairly certain that some the intense fight flight surging of chemicals that go along with mania are linked to the limbic and nervous systems- specifically the ANS. We also know the stress and other factors can trigger a manic episode. Thus it is evidently conclusive (to me) that my trying to solve really was literally necessary to save my brain and in turn my life from the harm that was (if not caused at very least) perpetuated and very likely worsened and exacerbated by the negligent and indifferent Intermountain Neuroscience Institute who absolutely should have caught and treated these injuries and ailments. They are, after all, The Neuroscience Institute. 

And even Dr. Reddy suggested it had been a "perfect storm" scenario. 

They could and probably should be utilizing me as a case study 

but alas doctors sure do hate when their patients turn out to be smarter than they are. ESPECIALLY when they have brain damage. 

...Is that possibly all this boils down to, they can't handle being wrong to, and corrected, by a person with brain damage?

Ah, living the glorious life of a TBI survivor. When we need people the most we are ostracized the most and when we manage well we are discredited, bullied and shamed by those who claim to be the experts. Tautology; the ever-present naysayer dictating our diagnosis, prognosis, and relationships. 

Even still

Dear Intermountain Neuroscience Institute,

 The offer is still on the table: use me as a case study because if you are what you profess to be. I could help you help so many people. Because that is what really matters and that is what is really important. 

.... insert sad sigh from the fading hope of the altruist in me. 

The automatic nervous system and how your therapist might be testing it

 "don't try to solve this" echos in my head as I read about the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems in my psy 1010 book... 

but even more interesting is the echo of, "I have tested your brain in ways you don't even know."

and my automatic reply of, "I know. You have even tested how I feel about you."

How did I know this? and what did he really mean?

As I try to piece together my learning about the Autonomic Nervous Systems and it's jobs and functions...

I am even more curious about how "he tested me in ways I don't even know" that may be linked to his research on the ANS and how it is effected by concussion... 

He knows

is the problem.

He knows what he was doing and the fire he was playing with. The fire he then suggested I let burn out. 

Here are some other things I have learned about the industry and the reality of just how atrocious their  disservices are in situations like mine. 

- There are laws that protect medical providers from their apologies and admitting mistakes and working to resolve them from being used against them in a court of law. So if your medical provider makes a mistake, admits it, and tries to correct it as best he/she can then they are protected from lawsuits and legal action being taken against them for it.

- In my readings these little snippets have stood out to me:

-this one really gets me:

Circular explanation or tautology: It is the type of reasoning they/he used to first claim I was something I was not and then, after be treated as something I was not, my behaviors that followed were used to justify the  false labels, claims, and accusations. A fine art of using the the very pitfalls they warn psychologists about to ones advantage. And sadly this is a rather common occurrence within the field. 

- My sisters, the prison guards words, "those are classic player's moves/phrases."

- On paper (clearly not in reality!) I was a prime target for grooming. Why? 

• TBI in locations that effect impulse control
• Low self-esteem
• lack of family and social support
• negligent/oblivious husband
• intelligent but functioning with deficits and low confidence
• recent job loss and other painful social rejections
• need for love and support
• attractive enough but not too attractive
• highly vulnerable
• puts others needs ahead of self
• submissive-ish
• etc

But all of these things, and other serious red flags, were very much ignored... Especially disturbing because these things also make it that much more devastating and unlikely I will take legal action. Plus I have a mental health history and ailments that are easy for people to use against me -that I am stigmatized and discriminated against for anyway.  By and large, on paper,  I represent some voiceless and powerless demographics.  

- And my ANS was such a mess. My whole nervous and neurological systems were. As I read I can associate the physiology I am learning about with the haywire chemistry I could feel surging through my many systems and my curiosity is peaked all the more. It is so curious to be able to feel all of those chemical and biological responses happening inside oneself. It is so curious how they effected my thinking and thoughts. It is so curious how it was possible that he had so much power/influence over me... 

The chemistry and physiology the book explains we all feel it at times, the books give many lovely little examples, but what I was going through is next level stuff. When people experience that it has to be testable and measurable in some way... It is too significant to not be... 

But back to the therapist who was testing me in ways I was not supposed to know and who told me I only see what he allows me to see... 

Considering the reality of the very significant imbalance of power and how illogical, irrational, and obviously unfair it was for them to continue down their paths of clear and definite malpractice with me it is not terribly surprising my very astute manic mind found itself fighting to reject and free itself form the notion that he wanted me to pursue and win a malpractice lawsuit. 

So many things that were and are so curious... and here is yet another possibility -or if I am using my more sophisticated science language I might call it: an alternative explanation for the observed phenomenon/problem:  

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201311/the-narcissistic-therapist

To the INSI, For the Unlawful Carnal KnowledgING of the minds that you do.

Sometimes I just need to complain, right now I will keep it here to refrain

from bothering and bringing it all up again.

Vomit in my mouth and anger pressing my skull as I am looking for the information on who I need to contact to request corrections to my medical records. Those records that are causing perpetual problems.

[9/10/20: after sleeping on it, I thought to pull this blog down... it is maybe too aggressively angry. But as I got on I remembered some of the evidence from Dr. He himself that shows just how dishonest they were being with me in the things they were both accusing me of, faulting me for and using to validate their actions against me. Also, upon reflection, I also feel it might be worthwhile to leave up because my anger and inhibition is, in fact, a very real by product of TBI and for so many people that can be very difficult to manage. As a teen it was an especially challenging struggle. It is a new challenge that we are struggling to overcome with the added burden of misconceptions, impatience, intolerance, and very little compassion or help. We will be faulted even when the anger is merited. So I think I will allow this to stay because coming on here was handling in a more constructive and less deconstructive way. Leaving this up allows others to see just how intense the battle can be. I also hope it helps others gain just a bit of appreciation for all of the things we don't do and say and just how much we are containing for their benefit when it is not easy and what has happened or is happening is not fair, civil, or humane to us.]

The exiling letter claims I was requesting Dr. He to treat me for things I had not previously disclosed...and claiming "The Neuroscience Institute Clinic is focused on neurology-based concerns and is not an appropriate setting to manage mental health issues, which was the primary reason for discharge." A lie and what Fucking idiots... I am sorry but those words are appropriate for how stupid those people must be. Apparently they do not understand the difference between requesting clarification and requesting treatment. Plus my mental health history, that was NOT undisclosed by-the-way, was directly related to my TBI which I am fairly confident falls within the realm of "neurology based concerns" ESPECIALLY since I was telling them there was more going on and I was just trying to figure out was going on with my brain.... They are really that stupid... It is unbelievable. And lets not forget this:

And:

"It is our clinical experience
that a holistic approach that takes all these vari-
ables into account in the treatment planning is
much more likely to lead to resolution of post-
concussive complaints than one that is narrowly
focused on any one of these variables." (pg, 417)

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/324431877_Concussion_and_the_autonomic_nervous_system_An_introduction_to_the_field_and_the_results_of_a_systematic_review 

If they had been competent and/or honest they would have known (once again) that an MRI needed to be ordered. Truly unbelievable, either the games that they played with me or how stupid, incompetent, deviant and/or corrupt they really are... Brain fucking manipulative masterminds with unfortunate power or just idiots with egos and irrational fears. 

Allowing my injuries some free reign of expression, I know I am harsh right now... But this report I am reading after I had yet another conversation with one who may have some sway in hopes that corrections could be made and resolution obtained in the nicest and most civil of ways... To benefit both parties with clarification and some form of civil reconciliation that, if done, would serve the greater good... 

A fool I am...and sorry (not sorry) for my language 

but

 it is merited... I'll have to think on if I should publish because I do not wish to offend

 but offense have been dished out in all forms of deceit and conceit by them so why do I worry at all...

So to this end I will publish and state very clearly the aforementioned conversation will be my final attempt and then it is fully devoted to exposing the brain fucking beasts that they are if that is what they continue to choose to be and at the ever increasing expenses of me* and who knows who else. 

They have access to the evidence of their deviance, misconduct and misdiagnoses. If they will continue to ignore, then blame, shame, defame and even threaten with legal action, then I say bring it on, and take me to court because then it will all be brought to light in the fight and even if they win -maybe especially if they win- people will start to see just how deviant and malicious they really are. Sacrifice me? Go for it. As a lamb to the slaughter I go? NO. I fight. 

I will not burn out. I will not die and I will not sit idly by when they treat patients with so much deceit, disregard and malice.   

(*some recent notes on the ever increasing expenses: I just got yet another ticket from Italy. $450. It's been almost 2 years, but another reminder of the misdiagnosed and manipulated condition I was carelessly driving in that is very out of character for me. And the bill from the neurologist who is well out of network because finding fair treatment is very difficult when your records are tainted with the black marks carefully placed the way that the offending institution has tainted mine) 

Ramblings and the common good

 I am just feeling a bit emotional... for whatever reason. And I feel like writing it out. freefloww whatever comes out comes out...

School. I love learning and I really enjoy interacting with others in that environment too, so all of this online stuff is not my favorite. But I still enjoy the learning aspect. I am slower though and keeping the correct word matched to the correct definition is more challenging. That is a bit discouraging. Yet kind of cool to because I get to see what it is like to utilize disability services. Not that this is necessarily cool by definition but to gain understanding and apathy I think is a gift that I can be grateful to obtain. 

My mind is also... too... yes, maybe just too. 

As I read I make connections and I see the flaws as I think like a scientist, so many errors exaggerated so often in the science of psychology. 

and somehow, "don't try to solve this" is the command whose opposite is now my life's purpose... further nurtured by soooo many, "you will help so many people." and even more by the, "You already have"s Which I am immensely grateful for... 

but also tearful because I know it is an almost impossible task, especially since I have no ins, no connections that will help me substantially with my goal. And I have lived enough and done enough within many environments to know that those ins and connections are especially crucial for lofty goals such as mine...

... tears well again.

and my heart and mind are in conflict again knowing how much I know and have lived through and how much I really could help others if only given the chance... But the very things that make me a valuable contributor to the world of psychology are the exact same things that I am discriminated and misjudged for... and it hurts so much... and my heart hurts so much for the so many people that have also been used and abused by the-rapists of their souls who hide behind their credentials and claim therapists. 

And they don't care. 

It is clearly evident that Dr. He does not care about the harm he caused me and the damage he did. He does not care that he recklessly endangered my life. He does not care that his games still haunt me and burden my soul. 

And Ms. Reddy does not care. She does not care that she carelessly and/or ignorantly endangered my life from the beginning and multiple times along the way as she feigned care. 

What exactly did I stumble across?  Ms. Jodi, who was supposed to be my advocate, how the hell does she even sleep at night doing what she does? Evidence of greater deviance from within. It just does not make any sense at all what happened to me and why... I can give so many explanations, I can solve this a million times in a million different ways but ultimately the lack of humanity and human dignity and the complete disregard for me... that eats me up again and again.

Second class.

Prime target for grooming.

these things that put me there make it so much harder to take. At least now I am aware. Aware of how I made myself second class too often in my life and aware of how I have established too many relationships with people who reinforce my negative core misconceptions of myself. So I am purging... purging people from my life that do not value me, treat me as second class, and interpret their projections of their own flaws and shortcomings as my flaws and shortcomings... But this loss of relationships is hard and very lonely. And I have to leave family behind as I move forward in developing me... 

Even though I still love

and I still want to believe in others and their ability to change their relationship and perceptions of me...

I still want to believe when they say that they care even when all evidence suggests otherwise...

It hurts and is lonely... and it becomes challenging to know how to proceed with making new connections. 

And I hate him.... so much... because I really genuinely care for a person that values me at nothing...and I have to report.... or something... but still I want to believe and give him a chance because I am in love with the potential and the ideals that everyone else knows is never going to happen... Be very careful now, when I say this please do not misinterpret nor mistake what I mean, and to ensure that you don't I will clarify yet again: the ideals and potential that I am in love with are the validating and assisting in each others life work for the improvements of psychology, TBI treatment, and humanity in general. Just think how beneficial the outcomes could be if he would be honest and allow the conversations on countertransference, how it effected him, how he was expected to handle it, his fears, his realities, his handling. His honest reflections and honest feelings vocalized for me to process. His undoing of his misguided (or manipulative) words that keep something deeper in me locked in a constant battle. Just think how much the honesty of providers could help the clients they have cared (or feigned care) for instead of hurting through abandonment and isolation, blaming and shaming with no allowance of honest, fair playing field, discussions -reinforcements of the pain and shame of so many previous abandonments. Think of the benefits they could gain if I were allowed to explain what was really going on with me in light of head injury and how that effected everything, possibly even the feelings he had implied for me. Or even how we might turn tables of deviance by making him the hero of countertransference... Think how they could utilize the terms and tools of what has helped me be a success in handling so many aspects of TBI and mental illness... such a success that even they, the professionals, were unsure what I was and how to handle me because I was not manifesting according to data. Think of how much more we could help those with TBI if, instead of punishing me, they embraced -by utilizing me, the outlier to the statistics that suggest I should be much more worse off than I am.

But that is the ideal and not the real world that we live in and I am somehow supposed to give up and let go of those dreams... 

when so much of cultural conditions says to hold tight and keep dreaming those dreams. 

Cinderella, so sweet and never loosing her delusions of the life that realistically would never happen. 

... and even in the first chapter of my book of psychology they celebrate Mary Whiton Calkins, the cinderella of psychology... 

SO... what is a girl to do when she has a scientist's mind and a heart that wants to believe in the good of humanity and even of Goliath himself?  

David will take him down in one shot with his slingshot, but Erica would try to make friends with him instead. She'd appreciate his stature, his talents and skills, and his commitment to his people.  She'd communicate her hopes of reconciling the parties at war for the benefit of all instead of just those who have power over the others. 

...Power, money and prestige... oh how people fight to defend those... All the way to the death even of the innocent who don't stand a chance and in reality could add to their power... if they were unified in a common purpose and goal. 

... maybe that is really what it all boils down to. Do we have a common purpose and goal? Yes or no? 

"you already have done insanely hard things to prove a point," says Dr. She to me just now after I tell her that Dr. He's voice commanding me, "I told you not to try and solve this," is now my motivation to do exactly that; solve this. Not just for me but for every other person who has been hurt by therapists in similar ways.

She says I will succeed and I am glad I have her vote of confidence. We all need someone to believe in us. 

back in the saddle again...

 "You can do it but it's going to be really hard for you," says Dr. She.

"Well what the hell else am I going to do?" I say, "Everything is going to be hard for me. Any full time job is going to be hard for me. I'd think it will be easier to do something I really care about and feel like I need to do than just take some crappy easy job that will still make me just as tired." Or something to that effect.

Dr. She is telling me this because she wants me to be realistic and she does not want me going into only to be devastated due to unrealistic expectations of myself... 

I am already glad she warned me. My first pretest, you only get credit if you finish and I did not. I am too slow at reading and a lot of this is new or detailed information using semantics that I am not as familiar with. My head feels tight and tired. This is really hard. 

I know that some of it is just from being out of practice with this level of academia but some of it is new and exacerbated effects of TBI... it has never been quite like this...

This is hard. 

This is really hard...

Ethically Discarded; a Nightmare You Will Never Wake From

 I'm back in school.... coming in too hot on introductions and conversations in an attempt to make sure I have everything lined up as best I can for my student success.

... I am listening to lectures about peer reviewed articles, what they are and what that means... "the highest level of quality in science...'' blah blah or something like that and I feel a bit nauseous because these damn people who are supposed to have "the patients best interest" in mind at all times are so damn full of their own delusions of competency that they can't even see what is happening right in front of them when it is happening right in from of them... 

I guess thats what I am feeling that is making me slightly nauseated... because that is what came out. 

I might have to throw up to digest all this nonsense and I am just at the beginning...

But actually, what I think might really be happening... 

Triggering... blah. and where is the green-faced-about-to-puke emoji when you need it?

I think it is time to call it a night.

Damned manic intensified transference memories getting the best of me tonight... 

Bastard.